Endigar 347 ~ Today, It’s My Choice

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From Today’s Daily Reflection;

. . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

With the realization and acceptance that I had played a part in the way my life had turned out came a dramatic change in my outlook.  It was at this point that the A.A. program began to work for me.  In the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, for my circumstances.  I never felt that I had a choice in altering my life.  My decisions had been based on fear, pride, or ego.  As a result, those decisions led me down a path of self-destruction.  Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.  I am responsible for my action – or inaction – whatever the consequences may be.

END OF QUOTE

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The word SELF is a true bundle word in English, holding so many different denotations and connotations.  This is problematic for those of us who have a broken guilt-a-meter and deal with rabid shame roaming through our psyche.  I feel guilty for everything on some level, and yet feel no remorse for that which maybe I should.  When the above says that in the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, I can only partially relate.  When I came to 12 step recovery, I blamed God and myself.  I despised my own weaknesses and what I allowed to happen in my life.  There were very few people in my internal courtroom that were as guilty as I.

I believe that was because my Mother was an adult child of an alcoholic father who drank himself to a tragic death when she was 17.  Her parenting was filled with fear that she would be abandoned.  She would often tell me how much I looked like him.  I had an image of love and support that I had to fulfill and hated myself when I could not meet that standard.  Of course, how I responded to that was my side of the street.  As I became an adult, it was my fault that I continued to get lost in that image.  I did not need A.A. to show me that. I just needed them to help me release god-like responsibility for others and quit being afraid of changing.  It is all right to let the image die.

My SELF preservation was a good thing when it led me into recovery.  The program helps me to chisel away at images I created in my life that led me to become a God for other people in their sickness.  It provided a safe place where I could find the true SELF, my unique individuality that can truly be responsible.  God created the true SELF.  The fearful self protection created the false SELF.

The internal laundry list of ideals and desires I have created to protect my pinnacle of isolation is the SELF that must fall away if I am to recover, so that I can follow the mantra “to thine own self be true.”  This is how I resolve the paradox I hear when someone says, accurately I believe, that this is a selfish program and yet we must be rid of selfishness.

” Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.”

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