Archive for Life

Endigar 336

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 8, 2013 by endigar

My networking status as of June 3rd:

I have run into another obstacle, perhaps insurmountable, in obtaining qualification for the Chemical Specialist position. It may simply be time to leave military life. I am attempting to relax and hear the intuitive voice of the Infinite One in this matter. I have a pulmonary condition that prevents me from completing the 74D course. I went to Fort Leonard Wood, and as they in-processed me for Phase 2 of my training, they saw my medical profile and sent me home. There is no known cure for this ailment, but its progression has been put into remission. I might be able to go back into military intelligence, but is that wisdom? Would I be useful? When I get HRC to acknowledge my documented time in service, I will probably have enough time for retirement. Is it time for me to just let go?

So I drove to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri this week and got started with the first few days of the course, got sent home, with a long drive enveloped in solitude and disappointment. I have worked hard to get there. It is another situation outside of my control. Yet there is something in me that keeps fighting, wanting to push forward. Perhaps it is just another manifestation of my inability to accept life on life’s terms.

…………………

COMMENTS

My platoon sgt:  “Never give up on anything, it way around all thing just find it”

Comrade who supported me during and AFTER my alcoholic meltdown: “You could have stopped or called it quits a few years back. Like I mentioned to you then… If you have been going this long and still have some fight left. DON’T STOP!!!”

My brother:  “ I agree with the other post here, my brother. You have always been a warrior. While the time may come to set that part of your life to rest, this may not be that time.”

Endigar 335

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 27, 2013 by endigar

I am finding it difficult to get back into meetings.  I am finding it difficult to reconnect with the network.  I took a break from it all to accommodate the scholastic pursuit of excellence, or at least survival.  It has been a bit of a saving grace that I have been court ordered to attend 12 classes at Alethia House.  Now that I am out of school for the summer, I have focused on completing some military training.  I continue to fight pre-performance anxiety that reaches insane levels and produces almost catatonic depression.  It is not so bad now.  I am only fighting disorientation.  I will be leaving next week to attend to my military training in Missouri.

Things I can do today:  Call Sponsor and look up locations of meetings in Missouri – touch base maybe.  I will do that now.

FOLLOW-UP (1738) ~ Made contact with sponsor;  I love the fact that he hates staying on the phone as much as I do.  It was a good contact.

(1743) ~ http://www.aa.org/lang/en/central_offices.cfm?origpage=373&cmd=getgroups&state=Missouri&country=United%20States

http://www.eamo.org/

http://www.aadistrict9mo.com/

  (573) 364-5154 / Answering service goes dead.  I sent an email request for help in finding local meetings to [dist9@eamo.org].

Now I must return to my preparations for departure.

 

Endigar 334

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 26, 2013 by endigar

I have been confronted with my “acceptance issues” from the very beginning of my pursuit of recovery.  That voice which submits to my will, she that I call My very own, has expressed this reality in a way that is powerful to me.  I have read it many times over to soak in its resonate truth.

You know that i believe in magic, and having practiced magic for years, i know that it is a matter of reaction rather than proactive intrusion from some outside source. Magic reacts to what You are putting out there – Your intention, Your will, Your focus, Your priorities. i think that is why Your magic is so very chaotic. Your energy is unfocused. You are all over the place because You haven’t yet made peace with the reality that You can’t have it all, not in this life. You can’t even have most of it.

🙂

i think, also, that You do not truly believe that this is only one of many lives, infinite existence. If You truly believed that, You would be happy to live the best You are able to on this plane and make Your peace with accomplishing other goals in other lives. Infinite souls existing in such a finite time span makes no sense. Dreamers who dream so big and want so much are doomed to live in frustration until they come to the Acceptance that life goes on, not even after we die, but especially after we die. This existence is just a drop in the ocean of our potential, our eternal existence.

i suppose the point i’m trying to make is that You have eternity to do it all. You have This Life to do Something. And i believe that this incarnation, this life, is specifically formatted and designed to teach beings with limitless potential to focus on accomplishing limited things. Your job is to decide what those few goals will be, how they can be made to allow You to live comfortably, and how You will reach them. Once Your energy is focused, THEN the Great Whatever will be able to work with You. Until then, You will experience chaos in Your messages, in Your magic, in Your life.

Endigar 333

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 1, 2013 by endigar

We three are connected to Gomu; the Master, the slave, and the scholar.  We will work together to fulfill the work of Gomu as it is revealed.  Ecology test tomorrow.

Endigar 332

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 31, 2013 by endigar

TOS2x04

It is 19:48 and there is an impossible backlog of academic activities.  Why am I called upon so very late in the game?  I need to be rid of all internal and external interruptions.  If I could be here on a daily basis, I would not be dealing with this.  Maybe this is a Kobayashi Maru test.

Endigar 331

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 31, 2013 by endigar

male-slave-1

The council calls for me to accomplish and to deal with life on life’s terms.  i move forward, for i know it will serve Mission, and honor the Mistress who is the voice of my Goddess.  i go forward.  Down seven, up eight.

1652:  Shower – shave – breathing meds –

1810:  Leftovers cooked, Father and self fed – disposed of garbage – purchased cell minutes –

This body is short of breath and full of fatigue.  Academic emergency.  Must find the scholar.

Endigar 330

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 31, 2013 by endigar

bookcover01

I want to find My Gor-inspired life.  And I realize that as the days progress, I grow impatient with the oppressive environment of today’s earth culture.  I grow angry when I feel social control mechanisms sculpting Me into a dreary cog in Tharna.  I welcome a world that would call for My masculine expression, and if I had too little to answer, My life would be forfeit.  I know how I want to live.  I just have to find and manifest that reality.  One of the major Priest-Kings here on Earth appears to be Gomu.

I used Alcohol so that I could endure the perversity this life on Earth requires Me to embrace.  Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit.  Recovery is a method of being true to who I am.

Deh-Shay Deh-Shay Bah-Sah-Rah, Bah-Sah-Rah!

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nreyvSkjbvM]

[http://pagelady.wordpress.com/2012/07/16/the-bat-chant/]

The important thing on this Resurrection Day, for Me, is not that He is Risen, but that we likewise experience our Rising.  I think the Christian Priest-King Y’shua would agree.

Endigar 329 ~ The Mask I Wear

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by endigar

The Mask

The red terms within the Mask is what I would like to convey.  The blue terms surrounding it are the why I should wear it.  The black writing are two trains of thought where the Mask proves helpful.  The term Trush is one I created to express the fact that people give you about 5 minutes to express the truth of who you are before they lose interest and begin to use  interactive disengagement strategies.  Trush = truth (as you know it) + rush.   It is a very rare occasion when it is helpful to remove the Mask, because communication is a fragile thing.

Blue Terms Explained:

WORTHY – I think Jesus said it best in Matthew 7.   “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”  True and open conversation belongs in the temple of mutual respect.

PROTECTION – Sometimes, when you reveal too much, you make others complicit in you life ambitions and assertions.  You may have come to peace with whatever you conspire to do in order to survive and thrive, but to pull others into your confidence and assume that they will be at peace with it as well, without establishing a history of mutual trust and respect, could create unnecessary dilemmas in your associations.

TEMPORARY – There are some relationships that are clearly temporary in nature.  The association is based on the completion of a common goal.  The Mask prevents the accomplishment of the mission from hitting roadblocks of intimate expectations.  Do not invest yourself in a relationship that does not have the ability or need for long term commitment.  Finish the job.  Get in and get out.  The Mask will help you focus.

TRUSH – This term has been explained above.  It’s application to the Mask is that you develop a quick summary story or hint about yourself in introductory interactions, and then disengage.  The Mask fights the need to become intimate with the masses.  You should become sensitive to those who probe for greater connection after they have received your trush.

DISCRETION – This is the practice of respecting the bubble of tolerance that surrounds other people.  There are religious and security and privacy sensitivities that we all have.  I resist talking about my sexual life in public.  I also cover my sneezes and hide my farts while out and about.  I do not pick my nose, scratch my balls, dig in my ass, or perform coitus or sexual groping while in casual display to the passers-by of daily living.  Cursing or explicit language within the hearing of young children, and adults who are repulsed by it, is another such unacceptable situation.  I am sure you can think of other incidents where you would like to have seen some discretion exercised out of respect for your own sensitivities.  If you claim to have no such sensitivities, then I would assert that you are also lacking in self-respect and need to work that out with your Higher Power, your sponsor, and / or your spiritual – psychological counselor(s).

 

These are guiding terms I use and I acknowledge that there are exceptions to every rule.

Endigar 328

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 28, 2013 by endigar

New Republic: Victims Of Addiction, Not Their Art

by SACHA Z. SCOBLIC

July 26, 2011 8:45 AM

partner content from:The New Republic

In this July 4, 2008 file photo, singer Amy Winehouse of England performs during the Rock in Rio music festival in Arganda del Rey, on the outskirts of Madrid. British police say singer Amy Winehouse was found dead at her home in London on Saturday, July 23, 2011. The singer was 27 years old.

Victor R. Caivano/AP

Sacha Z. Scoblic is a contributing editor for The New Republic and author of the new book Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety.

To the surprise of no one with the slightest sense of irony, singer Amy Winehouse, who earned a spot on iPods everywhere for saying no, no, no to rehab, died last weekend of an apparent overdose. Earlier this year, two other (less famous) celebrities, alumni of Dr. Drew Pinsky’s “Celebrity Rehab,” also died unsurprisingly from presumed overdoses: Mike Starr and Jeff Conway. Starr, formerly of the band Alice in Chains, had at one point achieved six months clean— an eternity in sobriety; but, then, it’s an insidious thing, this disease. And, lately, so is the response to it.

Over on The Huffington Post, Charles Karel Bouley (“KGO Radio and Syndicated Host, Stand Up, Entertainer, Author, Actor, Dog Walker”— who doesn’t blog for HuffPo?) spends many thousands of words pondering the cruelty of the “general public” who “pass judgment on Winehouse, or any of the other host of celebrities that left too soon because of drugs, alcohol, fast cars or a myriad of other ways to die.” Let’s break that down: We, the general public, are chastised for our— un-cited— judgments of Winehouse and those other celebrities who died in, well, myriad other ways. “Those critics are not artists,” he huffs. How perfectly annoying. It’s bad enough that Bouley cannot produce one example of this supposed mass intolerance of fast cars (?!) and the like, but then he has the gall to be callous toward the “general public”— none of whom, apparently, are artists. Talk about passing judgment. “What we really should be asking,” Bouley declares, “is, why artists?”

Really? Not: Why is it so easy to score drugs? Not: Why do we put addicts in jail for minor possession instead of rehab? Not: Why aren’t we doing anything about a disease that costs the United States alone more than $400 billion a year? No, no, no. We should be asking, Whyartists?— as though artists have a unique monopoly on addiction. According to Bouley, “being an artist hurts,” and he knows: He surrounds himself with “many very, very famous” artists. I don’t surround myself with many very, very famous artists (I live in D.C.), but I do surround myself with addicts. And, it turns out, they are pretty easy to come by in just about every profession. Heck, I can’t walk near Capitol Hill without bumping into a dozen addicted lawyers.

So, for once and for all, let’s give the lie to this silly notion that artists must suffer for their work via drugs and alcohol. Or that artists are so innately tortured that they must use drugs and alcohol to tolerate the injustices of the world (especially if they are rich and very, very famous). Or that creativity is solely derived from this artist-addict round-robin. “If Jim Morrison was sent to a 30-day program with Dr. Drew, would he have lasted, and if so, would he have created the same music?” wonders Bouley— in a wildly discordant epic pop-culture sophistry— as if Morrision’s music were worth losing his life over. Why doesn’t anyone ever wonder if his art— or Janice Joplin’s or Jimi Hendrix’s or Kurt Cobain’s or Heath Ledger’s or Jim Belushi’s— would have actually become even better with sobriety? Because, for every died-too-young artist, I can name ten got-it-together artists who went on to do even greater things in recovery: Robert Downey Jr., James Hetfield, Johnny Cash, Mickey Rourke, Betty Ford, Stephen King, Rob Lowe, Stevie Nicks, Craig Fergusen, Steven Tyler, Russell Brand, Ewan MacGregor, Robin Williams … I could go on. I bet they are all glad they didn’t die young for their art.

And guess what? Once you get sober— surprise!— pain still exists. You need not plumb the abyss of a heroin addiction to experience soul-sucking distress for the sake of art. Life happens, folks, and it’s not a guaranteed perfect ride. This notion that art must be accompanied by addiction is not just insidious; it’s enabling.

I think Mike Starr knew that; I think he knew his creativity, talent, and motivation would only come back if he went a different way, if he got sober. While Charlie Sheen willingly plays addicted jester to our wicked delight (I myself feasted on the ignobility of Sheen around the water-cooler at work only to feel like scum immediately afterward) and Winehouse dies and will be lionized, Starr did the hard work of attempting to bridge the insurmountable chasm between the way things started and the way they ended up.

Not all artists will, like Amy Winehouse, become enshrined as the young, sad, beautiful victims of art, fame, depression, and drugs— martyrs to their craft, like Bouley would have them. Chris Norris got it right when he wrote in New York Magazine‘s Vulture blog: “[A]s Mike Starr has shown, the reality behind this reality narrative is usually a much longer, downward arc, with few twists and turns, and a very predictable ending.” In other words, we who use to excess are all just addicts. Not artist addicts. Not special addicts. Not entitled-to-use addicts.

Indeed, even very, very famous addicts are just plain-old addicts. So let’s stop giving them a creativity pass.

[http://www.npr.org/2011/07/26/138697293/new-republic-victims-of-addiction-not-their-art]

Endigar 327

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 27, 2013 by endigar

I like the fact that this is post 327 on 3/27.

I wanted to use this post to republish an article given to me be a very close…well, for discretion’s sake, a very close friend.

The Artist and the Addict

By STEVEN PRESSFIELD | Published: MAY 18, 2011

The artist and the addict are not very far apart, are they? Often they’re one and the same. A blues musician or a painter can be an addict one minute and an artist the next. He can be an artist and an addict at the same time. On Tuesday you’re rocking the casbah; on Wednesday you’re checking in to Betty Ford. Why is that?

Bob Dylan

“It may be the devil or it may be the Lord,

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”

If Bob Dylan is right in Gotta Serve Somebody (and I think he is), we all do have to pick our masters. The question is whom.

The artist and the addict (or the artist/addict) both face the same dilemma each morning. Will they serve their higher nature or their lower? Between the two stands Resistance. Like gravity, Resistance exerts a pull back to earth. Its object is inertia. Resistance doesn’t want you to do something evil. It wants you to donothing.

Resistance wants you to go back to sleep, meaning remain unconscious. Resistance is always selling the easy way, the shortcut, the cheap shot. Resistance urges the artist/addict to slack off from, to sidestep, to avoid, to run away from, to not do. It wants you and me to stay shallow, to remain superficial, to continue unfocussed and uncommitted; to accept mediocrity, to avoid pain, to back away from the fight.

The addictive substance is Resistance’s ally. The addictive substance wants the same thing Resistance does. The addictive substance is the free ride to unconsciousness and to surcease from pain.

We’re all human, and the human condition hurts. How do we make that pain go away? How do we get to that place where we can set down our burden, close our eyes, draw an easy breath?

I’m no expert; I could be wrong. But it seems to me that the road turns two ways. If you serve the devil, the ride is free. Serve the Lord and you have to work.

The thing about the Muse is, when she gifts you with inspiration—the idea for a new album, a ballet, the impetus for an act of love or commitment—she dumps the job in your lap and says, “Jane, take over.” The Muse doesn’t do the work for you. She can’t; she’s not here in this material dimension.

You and I are the only ones here. We have to work. That’s the sign. That’s how we know the inspiration is real.

But to say we have to work is only half of it. Not only do we have to work, but we have to perform that work in the teeth of fear, isolation, self-doubt and self-sabotage. Often we have to labor in the face of opposition—fierce opposition—from the people closest to us, who love us the most and whom we love and whose approval we seek. We have to fight our bosses, our mentors, our religions, our pasts and our beliefs about ourselves and what we’re capable of.

The addictive substance is different. When we take that airline, we fly for free. Not only is no work required (other than the labor of acquiring the addictive substance itself), but there’s no imperative to wake up or to elevate our consciousness. On the contrary, the payoff is lack of consciousness. Oblivion is quick, visceral and gratifying. The pain goes away.

We’ve all done it. We can be addicted to crack cocaine or Haagen-Dazs, to love or hate, to our husband, our cause, ourselves. It all works. It’s all easy.

The addict and the artist are both struggling to emancipate themselves from the tyranny of the ego. The petty, piss-ant ego that devalues and undercuts and holds us earthbound. The addict gets off one way, the artist another. The addict/artist yo-yo’s back and forth. When she’s an artist (or reaching by any means toward her higher self) she somehow finds the courage to take the slow, hard, unglamorous path. When she’s an addict she grabs the EZ-Pass.

We all bounce from one form of service to the other, don’t we? I know I do. And none of us is really fooling himself. It may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but we all know which master we’re in servitude to—and we can’t hide from the knowledge that no one has made the choice but us.

[http://www.stevenpressfield.com/2011/05/the-artist-and-the-addict/]