Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of October 16;

This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

During my early years in A.A. I saw Step Ten as a suggestion that I periodically look at my behavior and reactions. If there was something wrong, I should admit it; if an apology was necessary, I should give one. After a few years of sobriety I felt I should undertake a self-examination more frequently. Not until several more years of sobriety had elapsed did I realize the full meaning of Step Ten, and the word “continued.” “Continued” does not mean occasionally, or frequently. It means each day.

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I have worked the steps four or five times and each time I have gone deeper and found something I missed before.  This last time, I actually finished my ninth step completely.  I realized that because I viewed the last three steps as maintenance steps, I did not believe them to be mission essential.  They were good ideas that I approached with the mindless performance of brushing my teeth or cooking or laundry.   They were chores that required discipline and consistency but would do nothing to improve life, just maintain it.  This has been particularly true of the tenth step.  Now that I have actually developed a system for working it, I am making more discoveries about myself and using the subsequent transformations to live life more powerfully.   The maintenance of step ten is to keep climbing upward in the way I live my life.  It is not the maintenance of the flat line ritualistic performance I accepted in active alcoholism as my highest achievement.   Devotion to step ten is easier when I realize positive growth one day at a time.

From the Daily Reflections of October 15;

Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 67)

Sometimes I don’t realize that I gossiped about someone until the end of the day, when I take an inventory of the day’s activities, and then, my gossiping appears like a blemish in my beautiful day. How could I have said something like that? Gossip shows its ugly head during a coffee break or lunch with business associates, or I may gossip during the evening, when I’m tired from the day’s activities, and feel justified in bolstering my ego at the expense of someone else.

Character defects like gossip sneak into my life when I am not making a constant effort to work the Twelve Steps of recovery. I need to remind myself that my uniqueness is the blessing of my being, and that applies equally to everyone who crosses my path in life’s journey. Today the only inventory I need to take is my own. I’ll leave judgment of others to the Final Judge — Divine Providence.

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There are two individual attributes that are discussed in this contribution that, when I perceive them threatened, I might react with gossip; my righteousness and my uniqueness.  If I am righteous, I am justified in the power placed in my hands.  If I am unique in this culture of mass production, I have demonstrated the value of my individuality.  I can lift myself higher than my peers as more righteous and unique by seeking personal excellence or by attacking those who threaten my current claims.  I say ‘or’ because I believe they are mutually exclusive propositions.  Those who pursue excellence give others the permission and encouragement to do the same.  They are inclusive in their upward climb.  The treacherous gossiper cannot build long term trust in relationships and his exclusiveness pushes him toward isolating selfishness.  The tenth step can allow me to see the logical conclusion of my current actions and alter course before the painful tragedy ensnares my life.  The path of inclusive empowerment requires a personal inventory rather that overrides a personal hit-list.

From the Daily Reflections of October 14;

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. . . . On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. . . . Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

I lacked serenity. With more to do than seemed possible, I fell further behind, no matter how hard I tried. Worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow’s deadlines denied me the calm I needed to be effective each day. Before taking Steps Ten and Eleven, I began to read passages like the one cited above. I tried to focus on God’s will, not my problems, and to trust that He would manage my day. It worked! Slowly, but it worked!

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It is really pathetic when I try to manage the results of life.  I am filled with stress and I view people as things to be managed and manipulated.  I am filled with self-judgment in failing to express the unquestionable authority and infinite power necessary to fulfill such expectations.  My designated area of living is to perform tasks as revealed through my connection with God and other life representatives.  I do tasks.  Gomu (God of my understanding) does results.  I perform tasks effectively when I stay connected.  This is simple enough for me to hook in.  It does work.  I need this simple vigilance to embrace the task and release the results.

(Unable to locate artist for image – viral on internet with no credit)

From the Daily Reflections of October 13;

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The immediate admission of wrong thoughts or actions is a tough task for most human beings, but for recovering alcoholics like me it is difficult because of my propensity toward ego, fear and pride. The freedom the A.A. program offers me becomes more abundant when, through unremitting inventories of myself, I admit, acknowledge and accept responsibility for my wrong-doing. It is possible then for me to grow into a deeper and better understanding of humility. My willingness to admit when the fault is mine facilitates the progression of my growth and helps me to become more understanding and helpful to others.

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Humility is something that I can easily associate with being a beaten, sad, servant to the harsh voices of self-loathing.  That is the state of humiliation given me in my active alcoholism.  Humility does not come from the inward duress of self-hatred.   The recovery program begins to feed me the confidence that my life can change as demonstrated in the abstinence of alcohol and the mysterious state of neutrality towards it that is given to us in the process.  I then gain realizations that I am so much more when I have a character worth sharing.  I see that all that I desire to have in my own life is made truly possible in the respect of other lives.  My greatest force for my personal empowerment comes from recognizing my part in a disturbing situation and using that as a seed of spiritual transformation in unity with the Fellowship and Gomu (God of my understanding).

[Image by Dan Saunders via Bioglow]

From the Daily Reflections of October 12;

When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 91)

Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me.

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This contribution reminded me of a book I read when I was a much younger man called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen Covey.  Time has eroded much I gained from that first read, but it has been marked in my mind’s archives as an excellent resource.  Maybe I will return for a second encounter.  One story and the seed idea it relayed has stayed with me and seems quite appropriate with this daily reflection.  I will share it with you now.

BETWEEN STIMULUS AND RESPONSE

Frankl was a determinist raised in the tradition of Freudian psychology, which postulates that whatever happens to you as a child shapes your character and personality and basically governs your whole life. The limits and parameters of your life are set, and, basically, you can’t do much about it.

Frankl was also a psychiatrist and a Jew. He was imprisoned in the death camps of Nazi Germany, where he experienced things that were so repugnant to our sense of decency that we shudder to even repeat them.

His parents, his brother, and his wife died in the camps or were sent to the gas ovens. Except for his sister, his entire family perished. Frankl himself suffered torture and innumerable indignities, never knowing from one moment to the next if his path would lead to the ovens or if he would be among the “saved” who would remove the bodies or shovel out the ashes of those so fated.

One day, naked and alone in a small room, he began to become aware of what he later called “the last of the human freedoms” — the freedom his Nazi captors could not take away. They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body, but Viktor Frankl himself was a self-aware being who could look as an observer at his very involvement. His basic identity was intact.

He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him. Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.

In the midst of his experiences, Frankl would project himself into different circumstances, such as lecturing to his students after his release from the death camps. He would describe himself in the classroom, in his mind’s eye, and give his students the lessons he was learning during his very torture.

Through a series of such disciplines — mental, emotional, and moral, principally using memory and imagination — he exercised his small, embryonic freedom until it grew larger and larger, until he had more freedom than his Nazi captors. They had more liberty, more options to choose from in their environment; but he had more freedom, more internal power to exercise his options. He became an inspiration to those around him, even to some of the guards. He helped others find meaning in their suffering and dignity in their prison existence.

In the midst of the most degrading circumstances imaginable, Frankl used the human endowment of self-awareness to discover a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.

 (Image is of Viktor Frankl)

From the Daily Reflections of October 11;

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 91)

My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting.

I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and to others. I returned to my work station, determined to make the day a productive one, thanking God for the chance to make progress that day.

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This is almost exactly what has happened to me today, except I had no desire to fight back.  I instead was filled with an “all is futility” rumination.  I made the same retreat and came to the same conclusions.  Gomu (God of my understanding) is giving me confirmation of the better path I am able to chose because of my training in AA.  And I am ready to get back to work with a more trusting perspective of this recovery process.  It all works out, if you work at it.

(Unable to locate artist for image – viral on internet with no credit)

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I posted the above comment seven years ago on Halloween of 2014. I went to a meeting today that used this Daily Reflections on Self-Restraint as the topic. Here is what I learned as I quietly attended. Emotional reaction often supercedes intelligent response. I have often recognized that emotions make powerful slaves to our carefully understood intent but horrible masters in guiding one’s life choices. The skill to pause and reflect allows me the valuable opportunity to hold my self accountable internally without having to later make an amends outwardly. It empowers me to attain a higher standard of self-expression. It also provides me with a more flexible world of mercy while I am embracing progress rather than perfection in sobriety. It also helps me to become an active listener to the reality of other’s lives in which I discover it is “not about what it’s about.” I also heard a saying that I shall collect and add to this blog:

From the Daily Reflections of October 10;

If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.

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This is not a call to become a Vulcan (Live Long and Prosper) by purging ourselves of all emotional responses.  Anger is natural and may serve a purpose to warn us of changes that need to take place in our approach to life.  I think what the 12 & 12 is identifying as wrong is a seething, festering anger that corrodes the resistance to impulsive, reactive living.  When anger comes, I need to use the steps to process it.  I must insure that it is an event and not a lifestyle.

From the Daily Reflections of October 9;

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

I never truly understood the Tenth Step’s spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors’ disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs will bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person’s spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside,not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.

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It is dangerous to stay in my head when I am disturbed.  Ruminating over my depressive feelings entraps me.  The alcoholic disease wraps around the paralysis of analysis.  I hope that I can let the disturbance signal that action needs to be taken.   I embrace the pragmatic and progressive morality of AA rather than the damning pursuit of perfectionism.  Recognizing that my disturbance is a warning flag for internal issues is a very useful spiritual axiom.

IMAGE FROM: [ http://www.thehorrordome.com/ ]

From the Daily Reflections of October 8;

. . . and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

I was beginning to approach my new life of sobriety with unaccustomed enthusiasm. New friends were cropping up and some of my battered friendships had begun to be repaired. Life was exciting, and I even began to enjoy my work, becoming so bold as to issue a report on the lack of proper care for some of our clients. One day a co-worker informed me that my boss was really sore because a complaint, submitted over his head, had caused him much discomfort at the hands of his superiors. I knew that my report had created the problem, and began to feel responsible for my boss’s difficulty. In discussing the affair, my co-worker tried to reassure me that an apology was not necessary, but I soon became convinced that I had to do something, regardless of how it might turn out. When I approached my boss and owned up to my hand in his difficulties, he was surprised. But unexpected things came out of our encounter, and my boss and I were able to agree to interact more directly and effectively in the future.

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I have some problems with the contributor’s story.  I do not see anything about him talking to others in the recovery network, nor do I read anything about talking to his sponsor, nor anything about prayer and meditation.  It sounds like he made the decision to issue the report and the decision to apologize both in isolation.  If he has a problem with a broken guilt-a-meter from co-dependence or some sort of family abuse, his apology might have been a fear response.  The one person he did talk to, a co-worker, advised him not to apologize.  His boss was taking heat probably because there was some validity to the report.  There was a lack of proper care for some of their clients.  If the boss was part of the problem, going to him to interact directly might not be the best course of action.

I think this points out that we need to talk to Gomu (God of our understanding) and others in the recovery network when we are considering the need for an amends as a result of our daily inventory.  I think to “promptly admit” our confirmed wrong does not mean to impulsively take action without counsel.  It simply means to be proactive in facing the issue.

From the Daily Reflections of October 7;

Continued to take personal inventory. . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

The spiritual axiom referred to in the Tenth Step—”every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us“—also tells me that there are no exceptions to it. No matter how unreasonable others may seem, I am responsible for not reacting negatively. Regardless of what is happening around me I will always have the prerogative, and the responsibility, of choosing what happens within me. I am the creator of my own reality.

When I take my daily inventory, I know that I must stop judging others. If I judge others, I am probably judging myself. Whoever is upsetting me most is my best teacher. I have much to learn from him or her, and in my heart, I should thank that person.

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This may help me establish a more effective 10th step inventory.  If I carry with me a notepad, and write down every time I am disturbed in any way, from inner anxiety to  outward judgement, I can have a memory back-up and begin a specific analysis of my internal struggle and where I need change.  If something goes really well, I can also write that down as something to sustain.  I now have some spiritual meat hooks which is a metaphor for a pragmatic expression of spiritual encouragement.