Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 13;

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: “If I just don’t drink, everything will be all right.” Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn’t happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God’s mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.

END OF QUOTE

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I have difficulty with an absolute statement like, “The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems.”  It is the ALL and the past tense of the statement.  All problems resolved.  I suppose if you take a snapshot in time, list the problems that are current for that time and place, it might be plausible that you could resolve them once and for all.  Maybe.

My approach to problem solving, which includes chemical bombardments into the landscape of my psyche, is the primary change that the Big Book provides for me.  Life is full of problems that wax and wane over the course of my interaction with this mortal world.  If I work to create a problem-free life, I will be like the dog chasing his tale.  It is me that has to change.  I am my own worst problem as long as I wear a victim’s badge.  “They hurt me and I need to confront them with the truth.”  “If only I had enough income everything would be serene.”  “Once I am clear of the court’s microscope, I can begin to truly live free.”  The useful truth for me is that once I have changed, I can fearlessly embrace the truth about myself, can find serenity, and live freely, regardless of the list of external problems that arise.

From the Daily Reflections of January 12;

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives.

Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.   (As Bill Sees It, page 44)

When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I turn to this passage and it relieves me of many an underlying fear regarding others, or situations life presents me. The thought allows me to be human and not perfect, and to regain my peace of mind.

END OF QUOTE

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How do we know what our present circumstances truly are? Is that just a matter of perspective? It seems that there are facts that can be gathered, and a true appraisal taken. For me, it seems that my alcoholic brain finds it more natural to lie to itself than to immediately grasp the truth of a situation. I know that if I am going to see myself as I am, that is a process that I may need help with, and it will take work. How do you know when you have seen people as they are and have not bought into some story they wish to sell? If I cannot be truthful about myself to myself, then my view of others and my self-story to others will inadvertently be skewed toward the false that I believe.

It takes practice, I think.

DCLXVI

From the Daily Reflections of January 11;

Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 68)

Long before I was able to obtain sobriety in A.A., I knew without a doubt that alcohol was killing me, yet even with this knowledge, I was unable to stop drinking. So, when faced with Step One, I found it easy to admit that I lacked the power to not drink. But was my life unmanageable? Never! Five months after coming into A.A., I was drinking again and wondered why.

Later on, back in A.A. and smarting from my wounds, I learned that Step One is the only Step that can be taken 100%. And that the only way to take it 100% is to take 100% of the Step. That was many twenty-four hours ago and I haven’t had to take Step One again.

END OF QUOTE

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To succeed at that which destroys my life and all that I love is no success at all.  My alcoholic life is one of steady debilitation and it cannot be managed. All my plans are designed for damage control and finding ways to endure the demands of steady intoxication. I can only seriously entertain ideas of empowerment and control during periods of abstinence. Once the liquor burns my gut, there is nothing to do but drink more to hide from this humiliating reality.

Outside my connection with Gomu (God of my understanding), I am powerless over alcohol which results in an unmanageable life.

Although I may begin with this knowing, let me not rest in this dark place. Don’t open my eyes and leave me here. If there is no solution, help me to return to the lie.

There is a solution, but it requires that I am completely aware of this reality of my life.

From the Daily Reflections of January 10;

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30).

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife’s complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn’t drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.

END OF QUOTE

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What does this delusion of being like other people look like?  Why would I, who value being unique, ever embrace the idea that I am one occurrence of human flesh out of many?  Why do I hide from the reality that my alcoholism makes me more vulnerable to certain self-deceptions than other citizens of the world have to endure?

The delusion to me, is like a cheat code in a computer game.  I observe how normal drinkers live. Inside I know that I am not one of them, but I live out a double life, my own “normal drinker” avatar that allows me to move about, hopefully undetected in the general population and working out a way to live life as both observer and controlled participate. If I am knocked out in the game, I recover enough to recreate myself and start over and over and over . . .until the plug is pulled on this fantasy, by intervention of will or consequence. The advantage of this game is that it is my alcoholic avatar that suffers. The reality is that I am in a self imposed mental vegetative state, a spiritual exile, and a coma of the heart.  The illusion is that there can be a double life at all.

The seduction of the double life and the self-deception is powerful.  It must be smashed to gain sanity and serenity.  This will take a group of real people in real life who understand this brand of insanity.

From the Daily Reflections of January 9;

It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 21)

My act of Providence, (a manifestation of divine care and direction), came as I experienced the total bankruptcy of active alcoholism — everything meaningful in my life was gone. I telephoned Alcoholics Anonymous and, from that instant, my life has never been the same. When I reflect on that very special moment, I know that God was working in my life long before I was able to acknowledge and accept spiritual concepts. The glass was put down through this one act of Providence and my journey into sobriety began. My life continues to unfold with divine care and direction. Step One, in which I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, takes on more meaning for me — one day at a time — in the life-saving, life-giving Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

END OF QUOTE

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A miracle is irrelevant until it happens.  There is no planning for the intervention of God in my behalf.  I believe that is because, I have been taught to look for external events as the manifestation of God’s power.  I am looking for some magical bail out provided by GOMU (God of my understanding).

The only miracle that is relevant to me and my working of the Twelve Steps of AA is the transformation that takes place within Me.  In my connection with God and others, I make a telephone call when every fiber of my alcoholic being wants to disappear into oblivion.  I open up when the craving screams for me to lie and protect my secret sinkhole.  The small transformations that I experience and capitalize on day by day are the only acts of providence that are truly relevant to me.  It is a series of little resurrections that I cannot explain, but rely on greatly.

From the Daily Reflections of January 8;

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so- called will power becomes practically nonexistent.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 24).

My powerlessness over alcohol does not cease when I quit drinking. In sobriety I still have no choice — I can’t drink.

The choice I do have is to pick up and use the “kit of spiritual tools” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25). When I do that, my Higher Power relieves me of my lack of choice — and keeps me sober one more day. If I could choose not to pick up a drink today, where then would be my need for A.A. or a Higher Power?

END OF QUOTE

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If I could choose not to pick up a drink today without the aid of AA, I am not sure that I can then conclude that there would be no need for the Fellowship, or a Higher Power. The spiritual bankruptcy and social isolation that fed my alcoholism are problems that have also been addressed in AA. After decades of searching for such a solution through Churchianity, I have finally been able to develop a working faith with a loving God and an inclusive, never exclusive, permission to embrace the humanity of my fellows, mine included. Powerlessness can be a bridge from a dead world to a colony of hope.

From the Daily Reflections of January 7;

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59).

Every day I stand at turning points. My thoughts and actions can propel me toward growth or turn me down the road to old habits and to booze. Sometimes turning points are beginnings, as when I decide to start praising, instead of condemning someone. Or when I begin to ask for help instead of going it alone. At other times turning points are endings, such as when I see clearly the need to stop festering resentments or crippling self-seeking. Many shortcomings tempt me daily; therefore, I also have daily opportunities to become aware of them. In one form or another, many of my character defects appear daily: self-condemnation, anger, running away, being prideful, wanting to get even, or acting out of grandiosity.

Attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzes my efforts to change. It is only when I ask God for help, with complete abandon, that I become willing — and able — to change.

END OF QUOTE

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“. . . with complete abandon.”  What an amazing place to be.  Sexual release with someone that you absolutely trust is a comparable state of psyche.  Leaping out of a flying airplane into the rushing wind equipped with a parachute in which you have invested trust.  That requires such a moment which is the point of complete abandon.  Diving into the unknown ocean depths depending on the viability of the scuba gear embracing your body is another such event.

The elements to achieve this complete abandon are finding something greater than your isolated being such as sexual energy, wide open sky, or a deep mysterious ocean, or a combination of all these found in a loving God.  Then there is finding a place or system of protection that you are willing to trust, such as skill at intimate communication, or  a parachute that can turn a fall into a flight, or gear that can give you a reprieve from drowning. All of these trust provoking situations can be found in the recovery fellowship and the pragmatic moral development of the Steps.  Finally there is that  one profound decision to let go and let it happen.   That brings all the elements to life, and begins a lifestyle of realizing the reality of being connected with One Entity the desires to care for us.  And the God of my understanding does protect and care for me, with complete abandon.

From the Daily Reflections of January 6;

We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 21).

When alcohol influenced every facet of my life, when bottles became the symbol of all my self indulgence and permissiveness, when I came to realize that, by myself, I could do nothing to overcome the power of alcohol, I realized I had no recourse except surrender. In surrender I found victory — victory over my selfish self-indulgence, victory over my stubborn resistance to life as it was given to me. When I stopped fighting anybody or anything, I started on the path to sobriety, serenity and peace.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————————- In one of my early relapses, I went to a meeting intoxicated.  I was just concentrating on not falling out of my seat and keeping myself from speaking.  I had witnessed active alcoholics embarrass themselves in meetings by talking and having to be silenced. My face was a mixture of stupid grins and flowing tears.  After the meeting, I was leaving and someone caught up with me.  He told me that at some point, I am going to have to surrender.  That word just flew all over me.  “I am in the military!  You only surrender to an enemy!  Is God my enemy?  In the military we do not surrender!”  And with dramatic effect I punched the side of my pick up truck.  As I was leaving, my recovery friend said, “at least let me call you a cab.”

“I drive better when I’ve been drinking.”

That night, while sitting in  jail from my very first arrest, my first DUI, and a very sore set of knuckles, I wondered if I might need to reconsider my concept of surrender. Military forces do surrender to an overwhelming enemy when all other means of resistance have failed.  The hope is that we will live to fight another day.  Retreat is a legitimate military strategy.  It is not weakness, it is a life giving necessity to recognize when you are beaten and seek the most favorable terms of surrender.  The 12 Steps of AA offers some pretty damn favorable terms.

From the Daily Reflections of January 5;

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 152)

Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: “If I don’t get a drink I’m going to die,” competed with “If I continue drinking it’s going to kill me.” Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism — with no reservations whatsoever — and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.

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“He will wish for the end.” There is a sickening seduction in the call to Oblivion. I do not understand it.  Many of us sailed across oceans of alcohol only to find our own isles of Sirenum scopuli.

As mysterious as the siren song to our tragic end is the power of sanity found in “hitting bottom.” Some of us have a higher bottom than others, while some never lay hold of it at all. There is no spiritual bankruptcy like the bottom we find. It gives us a particular brand of loneliness that few know. There is no scientific formula for the first step. It is found in the capacity to be truthful with oneself.

I think one clue to the magic of hitting bottom is that the truthfulness that later translates to sanity comes when “we admit” that “we were” and see the problem of powerlessness in “our lives.”  WE do not have to face the shadow of death alone.