Daily Reprieve

Alright.  I realize this is not a good place to be.  I do not underestimate this obsession.  I find myself not wanting to talk to my sponsor.  This disease is like a computer virus for the brain.  It has a negative programing that seems to key into vulnerabilities.  I know the work I have done is buying me time, but that will run out.  I was going to write that my phone is screwing up, which is slightly true.  Thus I am unable to talk to my sponsor.  Then I remembered that I just got off the phone with Sponsee One.  I confessed to my 14 year old daughter that my obsession has kicked in.  She gave some interesting advise about trying on different personas that you enjoy and whichever one feels enjoyable is closer to being the real you.  But, I know that I have to do something to catch this disease, which might even key into her advise to get me to do what is “natural” to do.  Ok, I am going to go ahead and call the sponsor.

Honesty.  Being real.  I am in a strange place.  I am two weeks away from picking up my year chip.  And I have had thoughts of returning to a chemical dependency.  Why?  I don’t want to be a good man.  I like living on the edge and being dangerous.  I hate what being good has done to me over the course of my life.  It has robbed me of so much living.  Yet I know the reality of releasing this demon once more.  I may be able to practice some controlled usage in the beginning, make certain promises to myself, but I KNOW what will happen.  Why then does this insanity return to the doorstep of my soul?

There are certain things that help restrain me for now.  But I know the ability of this insanity to circumvent restraints built by reason and sentiment, fortified by powerful resolve and intentions.  Ultimately the disease will break through.

Restraint One:  I have goals I want to achieve in recovery.  I would like to finish the amends, pick up this one year chip.  I would like to give it my best shot.  I have many close ended goals that I would like to see completed.

Restraint Two:  My Father still lives with me, and I would like for him to pass to the other side seeing my continued sobriety.  He is in His 80’s.  How long until I have to see this treasured relationship pass into memory?

Restraint Three:  There is a vague hope that I can find a way to manifest that darker side of my nature and still remain sober.  Why do I have such empathy for others?  What true benefit has this ever produced for me or those who depend on me?  My slave has suggested Nordic Shamanism.  I will look into that.  But if I remain corrupted with this sticky, syrupy goodness, no outside pursuit will be of lasting aid.  I don’t want to be a good guy.  I love being a Master of slaves, a soldier willing to kill, a man who leaps out of the plane into the unknown to conquer whatever he touches.  Maybe I shouldn’t have seen Batman 2 or 3 times in the theatre.  Maybe I should take up quilting.  Sigh.

Restraint Four:  I would like to take advantage of an educational opportunity to retool for the final years of my worklife.  I definitely need to be working with my brain rather than my body.  I would like to keep a clear head until I graduate and start working as a Micro Biologist or something along those lines, in medical research.  Maybe I would be able to keep the job long enough to get a retirement.

Restraint Five:  I would like to get all the projects done that are associated with my amends, most especially the clear explanation of my expectations for My beautiful slave.  Although, once I return to the chemical seduction, I will probably lose that relationship.  But my love will grow cold, I will cease to care, and I will become the harsh thing I so desire to see in the mirror.

Restraint Six:  I would like to give magic a chance to work.  I made a covenant with my Higher Power.  I would like to see it through.  But I do not have much patience with invisible entities.  I have to be able to hold tangible evidence to trust in intangible interventions. 

Restraint Seven:  I would like to finish the Right of Passage for my son, and the Coming of Age for my daughter.  I love them more than life itself. 

I am buying time.  I will talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow.  None of these restraints are powerful enough to resist the obsession.  I have been doing so good.  But my life is becoming too much like ministry, too sweet and nice.

I have added a little more to the “Explore 164” page.  Now back to the questions based on the 9th step promises:

7.  Tell us Rick, have you lost interest in selfish things?  Have you gained interest in your fellows?  Has self-seeking slipped away?

This particular aspect of the promises feels like a Churchian agenda has been slipped in.  But that may be my own paranoia.

“selfish:  1640, from self (q.v.). Said in Hacket’s life of Archbishop Williams (1693) to have been coined by Presbyterians. In the 17c., synonyms included self-seeking (1628), self-ended and self-ful.”  Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

Or maybe not.  But I will try not to judge prior to investigation.  What is the actual definition of this word, selfish:

“devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.”

“characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself.”

“concerned chiefly or only with yourself and your advantage to the exclusion of others“

“thinking of one’s own pleasure or good and not considering other people“

For me, when self concern is protected by cutting yourself off from others, from hardening yourself to them, and devoting your energy to protecting your own self-indulgence, the fortress you build becomes a prison.  In the program of recovery, I have learned that our concern for others actually saves us.  We keep what we are able to give away.  This recovery paradox allows me to be selfishly altruistic.  It is the isolated form of self-seeking that has slipped away for me.  I can connect with others without having to control them, or without having to surrender control to them.  I am an unapologetic sobriety vampire.  Past entanglements in webs of codependency cause me to withdraw from mindless self-sacrifice.  I do not acknowledge such martyrdom as virtue.  Everyone’s boundaries must be in tact for anyone to truly benefit from the connection. 

So to answer the question now that the terms are defined, I have gained interest in my fellows and isolated self-seeking has slipped away.  I never really desired such a lonely existence anyway.  So my interests in preserving it has indeed faded.

I am now officially over half way complete with the amends process, weighing in at 52% accomplished.  Sponsee One is out of the hospital, and we went to the meeting together tonight.  It was a 12 & 12 meeting, based on the book 12 steps and 12 traditions.  We talked about the 1st step, about powerlessness.  I really need to get a clear way of understanding and expressing myself on this one issue, because it is so essential to get the program.

Well Rick, since you have crossed over the halfway point let me ask you a few questions based on the 12 promises associated with the amends process:

1.  Were you amazed before you were halfway through? 

I would have to say yes, and maybe qualify that with the word surprised.  The changes that have taken place as a result of this program took me by surprise, and I find that amazing, because I am very self-absorbed, or so I have been told.  How did this happen?  What happened to make this program so very real for me?  Does the program have its own set of Keebler Elves that work while we are otherwise occupied?  I have been amazed.  yes, I have.

2.  Do you know a new freedom and happiness?

Yes, definitely.  I know a new freedom in my spiritual life.  The program did not give me a Higher Power, but gave me the freedom to seek one without all the religious pretense and bondage of second-guessing and need to appease a disinterested Deity.  As a result, I feel, not continually, but more and more often, the happiness of a child’s heart that can see and enjoy magic again.  Today, on my off day, I went out to Oak Mountain in the misty rains given to us by the storm front affectionately known as Fay.  The voice of the waters was loud and beautiful, and for the first time in many decades I fell into an ecstasy.  I made a new covenant with my Higher Power just prior to this event, and felt it confirmed in this manner.  I could see every leaf and rock in a new and powerful way.  The high was more intense then any chemically induced variety I personally know.  I am overwhelmed by it all.

3.  Do you not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it?

Courage.  Self-confidence.  Experience that connects me to my fellows, a powerful humility that resists that disease-activating arrogance.  This program has taken my most embarrassing, humiliating, ignoble performance in life and helped me find a way to transform it into the strength of heart found through integrity.   It has given me skills to correct the way I relate to others.   I really like me.  In fact, I think I am following in love with me…is it abnormal to enjoy your own body odor?  Anyway, I digress. 

4.  Do you comprehend the word serenity, and do you know peace?

Hmmm.  To be truthful, this one is a bit up and down.  I had “acceptance issues” from the very beginning.  Page 417 of the Big Book was prescribed to me in my first treatment.  I cannot claim full comprehension of the word serenity.  I have developed a greater appreciation for the word serenity, and a desire to know peace more often than I do.  This is probably the most difficult aspect of my sobriety to date.  I am working on it. 

5.  Considering how far down the scale you have gone, can you see how your experience will benefit others? 

I can.  I have been afraid that my experience is too “high bottom” to be of any real help.  But I have seen that the disease provided me with many points of being able to relate with others.  I relate to the alcoholic Father who loves his children more than life itself, and yet knows that will not stop the insanity.  I relate to having your workplace credibility sullied, destroyed.  I relate to being preached to by those who have no clue what its like to be powerless.  I relate to the bringing of horror and frustration into an extended family.  I relate to becoming a devil in my church, where my devotion to religion was inadequate.  I relate to waking up and experiencing the possibility of being isolated, spiritually.  No god.  No magic.  No hope.  So many bankruptcies I have felt.  Although I can re-emphasize them all with greater and more overwhelming tragedies, it is all the same.  It is not necessary for me to totally trash my life to be of use here, in these rooms. 

I really need to get to bed.  I have to get up in the morning for work.  Can we continue this interview tomorrow?

How about just one more question before you go?

Alright.  shoot.

6.  Did that feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappear?

Do you mean that suicidal, morbid paranoia and feelings of futility that haunted me?  That made me fantasize of how nice it would be to cut myself, bleed out while I drank into a mindless stupor.  Is that the feeling you mean.  I am no longer a victim.  My usefulness to myself and others increases on a regular basis.  Emphatically yes, they have not only disappeared, they have absolutely vaporized.  I have no real clue as to how that transformation took place.  I guess because the disease affects me on so many different levels, that when it recedes, it is hard to identify the path of its retreat. 

Now really, I have got to get some sleep.  I’ll do my best to be back tomorrow.  Good night.

I have passed through some difficult self-appraisal, and did so without self-medication.  We talked about our initial reactions to the spiritual aspect of this program of recovery, and how we resolved our objections or obstacles.  For me, this program did not give me a Higher Power.  It gave me the freedom to seek a Higher Power, without religious pretense and judgements.  I am so very happy to have a faith that is closely akin to what I experienced as a child, before I learned to “do it right.”

NOTE:  I updated the page about me with a few pix.

He said, “Rick, always be able to walk away.”  She said, “I need to run away.”  I envy them both, because everywhere I go, I am there.  You just can’t get away from … you.

Hardened.  A resurrected defiance against religious appeasement.  I continue to do the next right thing.  Sponsee 1 and I went to the Hut tonight.  Struggled through a sponsorship workshop.  It was good, and the panel was three men with a lot of sobriety behind them.  But my mind, my heart wandered.  I talked to a new friend tonight.  Somethings die while others are born.  Life goes on.

If I am vague in this communication, forgive me.  I do not wish to break the confidence of others.  But there are situations with significant people in my life that cause me great concern.  I am experiencing emotional pain tonight.  I didn’t realize it until I went to the meeting.  It surfaced, and I damn sure didn’t want to get publicly emotional.  Everything in me just wants to run, to squash the ability to feel.  But I know where that leads me.  I almost drove away from the meeting without talking to someone.  I turned around and returned to the Hut, and found one individual not otherwise involved in conversation.  I pulled him inside and let it out.  I talked and he listened.  No rose garden promises.  Just an understanding ear.  Something to shine a light on the horrors that haunt my mind. 

Alanon was mentioned again.  Probably something I should look into.

I have finished the Promises and Prayers document.  If anyone has anything they think would be good to add to it, let me know. 

As of August 16th, I have made it to 50% on the amends process.

There is a balance between setting boundaries, and making time to include others in my life.  Too much of a fortress can become a life-starving prison.  Demolition of the walls altogether allows life to loot the market of my soul.  It is hard being a father on a part time basis.  I love them some deeply.  But this balance is hard to maintain as they are here and then gone and then back again. 

I am re-learning to connect with others, to have and enjoy relationships while also learning to love and respect myself.  I have the two greatest offspring in the universe.  I have time with my father, to get to know the man who endured much in life to do what needed to be done.  And I have my consensual slave, who has come to know her Master like no other person on this planet. 

And I have this Entity, this friend and guide in life, the Higher Power.  “Just call Me John.”  Sometimes male, sometimes female, always a great help and comfort to me.  It is far superior to what I had among the churchians.  It is akin to the freedom of my childhood experiences with the early magic of Christmas as the practice of intuitive interaction allows me to unwrap one gift after another.  And none of these gifts or insights cause me to lose this new-found freedom in the pursuit of spiritual development.  For this one reason alone, I am thankful that I am an alcoholic who was forced to find recovery to stay alive.