Endigar 58

I am really tired of this “recovery” job.  I am very interested in moving into a medical research position.  Microbiology maybe.  Takes time and money to do that.  But maybe if I take it like I did with recovery, and eat the bear one bite at a time.  I live so close to UAB and they are known for their medical emphasis. 

What have I done for my recovery today?  I immediately sought contact with my Higher Power this morning.  It was difficult to achieve, because of my dread for going into work.  I am impatient and find myself resenting life.  Nothing has come from the congressional I put in a month or so ago.  What could possibly be so difficult for Senator Session’s office to resolve?  Did I do something really bad while in active alcoholism?  It makes me sick inside to think about it.  All those years I proudly served my country, and now I am to be defined by . . . what?  I am both curious and afraid to know.  Anyway, back to the question.  Recovery.  I prayed, and have had to work to filter out my personal fears.  Fear has its own still quiet voice. 

How has my disease tried to kill me today?  I guess by getting me in conscience contact with my Lower Power – fear.  Makes me unable to accept or wait.  Robs me of serenity. 

Have I done anything else for recovery?  I talked to one of my sponsees.  I came home and got plenty of rest.  I considered my slave, and that almost always gives me a feeling of gratitude to the Web of the Universe.  If you think a wife catches hell being married to an alcoholic, imagine being a slave.  There just is not an alonon group out there to deal with their issues.  Tough Love is not  in her toolbox.  And I am thankful for that.  Gratitude.

I kept my word to a customer today and put up information at Wal-Mart meat department to show her where to find the Sirloin cut on Pork the next time she comes in.  I went out of my way to do that, even though she may never actually know it.  It made me feel good about myself.

I have much self-assigned homework to get done.  I really would like to get the guiding questions completed for the study of the first 164 pages of the Big Book.  See “Explore 164.”  I have made it to page 18, plus the forwards and the Dr.’s Opinion.  I also would like to load the rest of the Big Book promises on the page “Prayers & Promises.”  I feel like that is a form of service work.  Doing something for someone else.  Service to others is another way of supporting my recovery.  And it gets me into the book.

I guess I will retire to the solitude of the night and enjoy another day off.

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