Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 19;

Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 16)

The essence of my spirituality, and my sobriety, rests on a round-the-clock faith in a Higher Power. I need to remember and rely on the God of my understanding as I pursue all of my daily activities. How comforting for me is the concept that God works in and through people. As I pause in my day, do I recall specific concrete examples of God’s presence? Am I amazed and uplifted by the number of times this power is evident? I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my God’s presence in my life of recovery. Without this omnipotent force in my every activity, I would again fall into the depths of my disease — and death.

END OF QUOTE

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At first, the concept of an “around-the-clock” faith was confusing to me. I must keep my faith active while I slumber? Is this a pursuit of religious perfection rather than spiritual progress? No, I don’t believe that is what is being referred to here. I believe that my initial experimentation with faith was based on emotional responses. I knew I was feeling faith when I was feeling good. That is why I thought it was important to make gratitude lists and other exercises designed to change my perspective to something useful in my life. It was all designed to make me feel good so I could feel faith.

The reality is that I must practice performing the works associated with faith regardless of my emotional state. My sponsor would often assign me to make a gratitude list when I was feeling rather negative and worthless. This was an act of faith among many that was to be accomplished at any and all times of my day, regardless of my emotional state. A faithful response not dependent on my emotions is a necessary survival skill in my recovery, and lays the groundwork for emotional stability.

From the Daily Reflections of January 18;

By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 23).

When I was still drinking, I couldn’t respond to any of life’s situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking — or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

END OF QUOTE

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What does it mean to be aware of my alcoholism?  To me, it means that I must be aware that the disease is constantly working in me, whether I feel it or not.  If I do nothing to explore and expand my spiritual life, the fatal progression of manifested short-comings and acidic fears will eat away at me until I drink again.  My Higher Power cannot be a concept to tickle my imagination from time to time.  I have to develop an interactive relationship with the God of my understanding (Gomu).

From the Daily Reflections of January 16;

Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.’s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 24).

Hitting bottom opened my mind and I became willing to try something different. What I tried was A.A. My new life in the Fellowship was a little like learning how to ride a bike for the first time: A.A. became my training wheels and my supporting hand. It’s not that I wanted the help so much at the time; I simply did not want to hurt like that again. My desire to avoid hitting bottom again was more powerful than my desire to drink. In the beginning that was what kept me sober. But after a while I found myself working the Steps to the best of my ability. I soon realized that my attitudes and actions were changing — if ever so slightly. One Day at a Time, I became comfortable with myself, and others, and my hurting started to heal. Thank God for the training wheels and supporting hand that I choose to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

END OF QUOTE

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Early in my life I devoted myself to God through the substitutionary atonement of Jesus Christ. Death and dissolution in my family stripped away the pillar of faith I had so thoroughly trusted. I lost any belief in God or the unseen worlds and that spiritual bankruptcy was when my heart truly hit bottom. Alone and betrayed I gave myself to alcohol. I have not experienced any consequence in my active alcoholism that comes close to the horror, pain, and humiliation of losing my faith. The death of loved ones to a God long gone was unbearable. The steady performance of duties and responsibilities were mockery, futility, and entrapment. I hit bottom before I gave myself to alcohol.

I relapsed often in the beginning of recovery because I did not want to invest in another spiritual pursuit only to have it boomerang around and rip me in pieces once more. Alcohol saved my life by giving me an alternative to suicide and by introducing me to the pragmatic morality and the inclusive, simple faith of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am grateful to the GOMU (God of my understanding) of AA that restored my faith that something out there loves us.

From the Daily Reflections of January 15;

With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 567-568).

From my first days in A.A., as I struggled for sobriety, I found hope in these words from our founders. I often pondered the phrase: “they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource.” How, I asked myself, can I find the Power within myself, since I am so powerless? In time, as the founders promised, it came to me: I have always had the choice between goodness and evil, between unselfishness and selfishness, between serenity and fear. That Power greater than myself is an original gift that I did not recognize until I achieved daily sobriety through living A.A.’s Twelve Steps.

END OF QUOTE

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Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 568).

The Higher Power is not me, at least not me in my present form. For me, it is an undetectable energy that is infinite and is a living entity. It is pervasive throughout all the visible and invisible structures of existence. My concept is bound to be wrong on so many levels and becomes more wrong the more exact I try to get. I am finite and cannot hold within my mind any infinite reality. And neither can any of my fellow human beings. We all create the most useful story of what is out there and what seems to care so much about us. It is the useful truth I grasp, and not the absolute pillars of religious arrogance. It is spiritual progress I pursue, not spiritual perfection.

The inner resource is the development of my connection with GOMU (God of my understanding).

From the Daily Reflections of January 14;

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

Once I became sober, I began to see how wasteful my life had been and I experienced overwhelming guilt and feelings of regret. The program’s Fourth and Fifth Steps assisted me enormously in healing those troubling regrets. I learned that my selfcenteredness and dishonesty stemmed largely from my drinking and that I drank because I was an alcoholic. Now I see how even my most distasteful past experiences can turn to gold because, as a sober alcoholic, I can share them to help my fellow alcoholics, particularly newcomers. Sober for several years in A.A., I no longer regret the past; I am simply grateful to be conscious of God’s love and of the help I can give to others in the Fellowship.

END OF QUOTES

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Recovery opened the door to a world without polarized thinking for me.  Polarized thinking is where all knowledge and experience is divided into “Good and Evil.”  The logical conclusion of this kind of thinking is that people are also defined as good or evil, and I develop an “us and them” approach to those around me.  It feeds my isolated selfishness, my disconnected self glorification.

Rather than seeing the world as Good and Evil, I am being taught to see it as an opportunity for a Useful Change in Perspective or Wasteful Embrace of Futility.  In this new paradigm, even my ugliest past can become something beautifully useful.  And rather than identify other’s in my life as “evil,” I search for a more useful idea and called them sick like me.  My approach to others is to seek ways to connect and be useful or helpful.

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67).

From the Daily Reflections of January 13;

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: “If I just don’t drink, everything will be all right.” Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn’t happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God’s mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.

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I have difficulty with an absolute statement like, “The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems.”  It is the ALL and the past tense of the statement.  All problems resolved.  I suppose if you take a snapshot in time, list the problems that are current for that time and place, it might be plausible that you could resolve them once and for all.  Maybe.

My approach to problem solving, which includes chemical bombardments into the landscape of my psyche, is the primary change that the Big Book provides for me.  Life is full of problems that wax and wane over the course of my interaction with this mortal world.  If I work to create a problem-free life, I will be like the dog chasing his tale.  It is me that has to change.  I am my own worst problem as long as I wear a victim’s badge.  “They hurt me and I need to confront them with the truth.”  “If only I had enough income everything would be serene.”  “Once I am clear of the court’s microscope, I can begin to truly live free.”  The useful truth for me is that once I have changed, I can fearlessly embrace the truth about myself, can find serenity, and live freely, regardless of the list of external problems that arise.

From the Daily Reflections of January 12;

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives.

Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.   (As Bill Sees It, page 44)

When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I turn to this passage and it relieves me of many an underlying fear regarding others, or situations life presents me. The thought allows me to be human and not perfect, and to regain my peace of mind.

END OF QUOTE

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How do we know what our present circumstances truly are? Is that just a matter of perspective? It seems that there are facts that can be gathered, and a true appraisal taken. For me, it seems that my alcoholic brain finds it more natural to lie to itself than to immediately grasp the truth of a situation. I know that if I am going to see myself as I am, that is a process that I may need help with, and it will take work. How do you know when you have seen people as they are and have not bought into some story they wish to sell? If I cannot be truthful about myself to myself, then my view of others and my self-story to others will inadvertently be skewed toward the false that I believe.

It takes practice, I think.

DCLXVI

From the Daily Reflections of January 11;

Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 68)

Long before I was able to obtain sobriety in A.A., I knew without a doubt that alcohol was killing me, yet even with this knowledge, I was unable to stop drinking. So, when faced with Step One, I found it easy to admit that I lacked the power to not drink. But was my life unmanageable? Never! Five months after coming into A.A., I was drinking again and wondered why.

Later on, back in A.A. and smarting from my wounds, I learned that Step One is the only Step that can be taken 100%. And that the only way to take it 100% is to take 100% of the Step. That was many twenty-four hours ago and I haven’t had to take Step One again.

END OF QUOTE

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To succeed at that which destroys my life and all that I love is no success at all.  My alcoholic life is one of steady debilitation and it cannot be managed. All my plans are designed for damage control and finding ways to endure the demands of steady intoxication. I can only seriously entertain ideas of empowerment and control during periods of abstinence. Once the liquor burns my gut, there is nothing to do but drink more to hide from this humiliating reality.

Outside my connection with Gomu (God of my understanding), I am powerless over alcohol which results in an unmanageable life.

Although I may begin with this knowing, let me not rest in this dark place. Don’t open my eyes and leave me here. If there is no solution, help me to return to the lie.

There is a solution, but it requires that I am completely aware of this reality of my life.

From the Daily Reflections of January 10;

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30).

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife’s complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn’t drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.

END OF QUOTE

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What does this delusion of being like other people look like?  Why would I, who value being unique, ever embrace the idea that I am one occurrence of human flesh out of many?  Why do I hide from the reality that my alcoholism makes me more vulnerable to certain self-deceptions than other citizens of the world have to endure?

The delusion to me, is like a cheat code in a computer game.  I observe how normal drinkers live. Inside I know that I am not one of them, but I live out a double life, my own “normal drinker” avatar that allows me to move about, hopefully undetected in the general population and working out a way to live life as both observer and controlled participate. If I am knocked out in the game, I recover enough to recreate myself and start over and over and over . . .until the plug is pulled on this fantasy, by intervention of will or consequence. The advantage of this game is that it is my alcoholic avatar that suffers. The reality is that I am in a self imposed mental vegetative state, a spiritual exile, and a coma of the heart.  The illusion is that there can be a double life at all.

The seduction of the double life and the self-deception is powerful.  It must be smashed to gain sanity and serenity.  This will take a group of real people in real life who understand this brand of insanity.