Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 29;

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

To know that each newcomer with whom I share has the opportunity to experience the relief that I have found in this Fellowship fills me with joy and gratitude. I feel that all the things described in A.A. will come to pass for them, as they have for me, if they seize the opportunity and embrace the program fully.

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When I was still involved with churchianity,  the promise book fad became very popular. The logic was that if God had an active hand in writing the scriptures, then any promise inspired and recorded in the Holy Books would have supernatural potential when combined with the believer’s faith. My former wife and I would quote them over our children and home and journeys and any external challenges we would face. I have no way of knowing empirically if this magic worked.

I think it is more important to experience internal changes that warrant external prosperity. When my life takes on a new meaning, it is because I have changed my perspectives. Although people are recovering around me and others are helping one another, unless I change what I focus on I will not see it.  I have to change to become someone others desire to connect with. I have to hold their best interests to my heart and trust my Higher Power as I take social risks. If I promise to foster persistence, patience, and courage, then I become the fulfillment of promises rather than the desperate consumer of them.

From the Daily Reflections of January 28;

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have — the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124).

What a gift it is for me to realize that all those seemingly useless years were not wasted. The most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. In knowing the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with a loving and compassionate hand, and know that the grace of God is available to me.

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I have heard that it is not good to write while depressed.  Under the influence of that dark cloud I have typed some of my most radioactive words.  Yet it is writing that seems to suck the venom from my invisible wounds.  So, if some darkness seeps through today’s post, forgive me.

I have some wasted time in my past that was the result both of my alcoholism and my co-dependence.  My goal is to recycle the pain and failures of experience into . . . what?  A higher, more potent version of myself?  Stronger, more realistic relationships?  Something desirable for my fellow sufferers to emulate?  If I can process refuse into raw material for others to build with, then I have become useful.  That seems like it would be a good way to live and die.

From the Daily Reflections of January 27;

Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word “blame” from our speech and thought.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 47).

When I become willing to accept my own powerlessness, I begin to realize that blaming myself for all the trouble in my life can be an ego trip back into hopelessness. Asking for help and listening deeply to the messages inherent in the Steps and Traditions of the program make it possible to change those attitudes which delay my recovery. Before joining A.A., I had such a desire for approval from people in powerful positions that I was willing to sacrifice myself, and others, to gain a foothold in the world. I invariably came to grief. In the program I find true friends who love, understand, and care to help me learn the truth about myself. With the help of the Twelve Steps, I am able to build a better life, free of guilt and the need for self-justification.

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What happens when my guilt-o-meter is broken? What if I take responsibility for situations I have no control over?   I can see two possible strategies for coping with this self-manufactured burden.   I can try to intervene and fix people’s lives or I can develop a reflexive tendency to blame others to distract from my personal feelings of being inadequate. I will usually do a combination of the two.

The main quest in AA for me is to know the truth about myself and address my short-comings. I must become honest and accept only what I am responsible for and what guilt is actually my burden. I cannot be responsible for the way someone responds to my transgressions, only the transgressions themselves. Likewise I am responsible for how I respond to the offenses I suffer from others. It is my goal to make guilt and blame events to address and not lifestyle burdens to carry.

Image Source:  Still from 1986 movie, The Mission.

From the Daily Reflections of January 26;

Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 24)

I am an alcoholic. If I drink I will die. My, what power, energy, and emotion this simple statement generates in me! But it’s really all I need to know for today. Am I willing to stay alive today? Am I willing to stay sober today? Am I willing to ask for help and am I willing to be a help to another suffering alcoholic today? Have I discovered the fatal nature of my situation? What must I do, today, to stay sober?

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Alone and caught in introspective darkness, I turn off the hologram of life’s complexities and take a peak at the basic gridwork of my organic life. My time here on planet Earth is a game I play without knowing the rules. I see three default parameters to this game; Self, Sex, and Death. No matter how I play, I am wired to respond to these three basics. The Self parameter explores the internal scribbling of the Universe in me. The more attune I am to the awareness of my true Self, the better I will play this game. The Sex parameter pushes me to connect. It is the essence of all social constructs and all binding relationships, both organic-physical and energy-spiritual. The Death parameter prunes life of the frivolous and reinforces what I see as truly important. When I play the game badly, Self becomes isolating weakness, Sex becomes a destructive predator, and Death becomes a haunting source of fear. Alcoholism is a self-defeating cheat to the game.  As an alcoholic, I have to train myself to play the game better.

There are two other parameters that are not defaults but are responsive to my will. They are Spirit and Work. It is prerequisite to respond to the three default parameters before actualizing these two will parameters. Spirit is the exploration of my eternal state that lives on past my organic structure. Work is my investment into the organic collective of my species. How well I have mastered the three defaults will decide the nature of my impact on the organic collective, this beautiful nest for our eternal community, the invisible cloud surrounding us.

I do not fear the questions of this program. I want to play the game to the best of my ability. The recovery program of AA has given me the opportunity to live without looking for a self-defeating cheat.

From the Daily Reflections of January 25;

. . . A.A. is really saying to every serious drinker, “You are an A.A. member if you say so . . . nobody can keep you out.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 139).

For years, whenever I reflected on Tradition Three (“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking”), I thought it valuable only to newcomers. It was their guarantee that no one could bar them from A.A. Today I feel enduring gratitude for the spiritual development the Tradition has brought me. I don’t seek out people obviously different from myself. Tradition Three, concentrating on the one way I am similar to others, brought me to know and help every kind of alcoholic, just as they have helped me. Charlotte, the atheist, showed me higher standards of ethics and honor; Clay, of another race, taught me patience; Winslow, who is gay, led me by example into true compassion; Young Megan says that seeing me at meetings, sober thirty years, keeps her coming back. Tradition Three insured that we would get what we need — each other.

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I love this contribution to the Daily Reflections.  Tradition three gives me an ideal of spiritual freedom that moves away from the “us and them” dogma of my churchian days.  I too have gained much from individuals who would be damned and discarded by religious fear.  This is heresy to what I used to believe, but it is a saving heresy which has allowed me to connect with others.

From the Daily Reflections of January 24;

There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” . . . To be helpful is our only aim.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 88-89)

I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, “What can I do?” Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I’m involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who’s best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account — yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before.

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My ability to work is the most practical and helpful expression of my faith-filled connection with my Higher Power.  Once connected and guided through prayer and meditation, I see what form my work will take.  After it is offered into the Fellowship, I become aware of an interdependence in my human connection.  Our various forms of work responds to the various needs of the Fellowship.

There is a saying I picked up from my churchian days that I think is applicable here.  You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow.  It seems the trick is to develop a lifestyle of sowing or investing in others if you want to live in an environment that is giving and abundant.

From the Daily Reflections of January 23;

. . . we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132).

When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped from the guilt and remorse that cloaked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I’m taking myself too seriously — and finding it difficult to admit that I’ve strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program — a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate — are well worth the effort.

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The phrase from this contribution that grabs me is, “I am free to assume my proper role in the universe.”  This is both a statement of humility and faith. I like it.

I asked myself several questions this morning:  Am I thinking about how to construct my life, or how to construct my day? I find that when I am trying to control the outcome of my life, I begin to suffer from the paralysis of analysis. Developing a habit of living the best day I can establishes a foundation for a better life. Am I lost in complexity or moving in simplicity? This is usually a measure of how well I have done in trusting God and not surrendering to my fears. The acidic anxiety of my gut is the birthplace of complicated, confused thoughts.  Are my long term plans conducted in isolation or in counsel with the significant others in my life?  This is key in identifying whether I am clinging to isolated selfishness that will kill me as an alcoholic, or if I am able to connect and consider others in the developments of my life.  And is it possible for me to have fun yet?  This question probes my ability to relax and surrender to the reality of the God of my understanding (GOMU) and our union in life.

From the Daily Reflections of January 22;

A few hours later I took my leave of Dr. Bob. . . . The wonderful, old, broad smile was on his face as he said almost jokingly, “Remember, Bill, let’s not louse this thing up. Let’s keep it simple!” I turned away, unable to say a word. That was the last time I ever saw him.  (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 214).

After years of sobriety I occasionally ask myself: “Can it be this simple?” Then, at meetings, I see former cynics and skeptics who have walked the A.A. path out of hell by packaging their lives, without alcohol, into twenty-four hour segments, during which they practice a few principles to the best of their individual abilities. And then I know again that, while it isn’t always easy, if I keep it simple, it works.

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Simplicity has not been my strong suit.  I think most of my complexity finds it origins in the gurgling anxiety in my gut.  Simplicity is usually the result of trust in my Higher Power.  I don’t have to know everything, only what I am sure is the intuitive guidance of the God of my understanding (Gomu).

“In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86).

From the Daily Reflections of January 21;

The member talks to the newcomer not in a spirit of power but in a spirit of humility and weakness.  (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 279).

As the days pass in A.A., I ask God to guide my thoughts and the words that I speak. In this labor of continuous participation in the Fellowship, I have numerous opportunities to speak. So I frequently ask God to help me watch over my thoughts and my words, that they may be the true and proper reflections of our program; to focus my aspirations once again to seek His guidance; to help me be truly kind and loving, helpful and healing, yet always filled with humility, and free from any trace of arrogance.

Today I may very well have to deal with disagreeable attitudes or utterances-the typical stock-in-trade attitude of the still-suffering alcoholic. If this should happen, I will take a moment to center myself in God, so that I will be able to respond from a perspective of composure, strength and sensibility.

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I hear interesting ideals in this contribution to the Daily Reflections such as “labor of continuous participation in the Fellowship” or that my thoughts and words should be “the true and proper reflections of our program.”

All the ideals expressed in the program start with the realization that I am powerless over alcohol, and in this weakness of my isolation I become strong in my connection to God and others.

From the Daily Reflections of January 20;

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87).

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend.

I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills — it is the unsuspected Inner Resource.

I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

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“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.” – Victor Frankl

My rush of anxiety that surges from time to time throughout my day is now an opportunity to pursue a new power.  I am able to connect to an inner resource.  My anxiety can be transformed into the capacity to hear or observe the expressions of GOMU (God of my understanding) to me.  When periodic trust in this ability grows into a daily reliance, life’s agitations becoming stepping stones on my quest to understand God’s will for me and to grasp the power to carry that out.  Is it possible that my deepest desires are a subset of the will of my Higher Power?  I suspect it is so.