Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of March 5;

When I first started working the Steps, the thought of having my character defects removed made me very nervous. I thought I would end up like a chunk of Swiss cheese, full of holes. But I wanted to get better and I was continually assured that the Steps were the key to my recovery, so I went forward in spite of my fears. I had to take the risk and act on faith before I could receive the gifts my Higher Power held out to me.

Nowhere in Steps Four through Seven do we ask God to add anything, but rather to take away the things we do not need. I found that every single defect that was removed had been hiding an asset. I didn’t lose myself at all. Instead, as I let go of the things I didn’t need, I made room for my strengths, skills, and feelings to become more fully a part of my life. I take comfort in this, because it reminds me that everything I need is already present. But I couldn’t be sure until I worked the Steps and found some relief from my shortcomings.

Today’s Reminder

God knows exactly what I need and has already given it to me. My job is to keep it simple and ask for God’s help in relieving me of the extra stuff –the shortcomings that keep me tied down.

“Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised.” ~ American Proverb

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What if an Alcoholic or an Adult Child of an Alcoholic in my life has helped indoctrinate me to believe that some aspect of normal living is offensive? What if I am taught never to trust “outsiders,” and that the family is different because we are the only ones on the planet that have any dammed sense at all. The result could be a blinding fog of guilt and betrayal in reaching out for help. On a Fourth Step inventory, I might list my lack of devotion to family as my short-coming. That is where my twisted guilt would guide me wrong. I would need an inventory that helps me understand what I need to keep (the ability to reach out) as well as what needs to be removed.

For me, I condemned myself for the weakness of letting love keep me from doing “what needs to be done.” I was proud of being able to harden my heart to attempt to control the chaos of self-will run riot in my family environment. I needed to be able to let go of this dubious skill and embrace my ability to love, even when it meant letting those close to me reap the consequences of their own agency. To love is not weakness. To violate another’s free will in the name of love is predatory enslavement. I cannot engage in this activity without myself becoming enslaved to parasitic spirits. I honor the free will of others, of my God, and of myself. The Steps have helped me pick off the parasites of my mind and heart and to get to know who I truly am; what to value and what to shun. This is never a solitary work for me. It is part of the adventure of building a relationship with my Higher Power and the network of the higher Self in recovery.

From Courage to Change of March 4;

The slogan, “Think” always puzzled me. Wasn’t it my “stinking thinking” that got me into trouble? The meaning of this slogan remained a mystery until I heard a neighbor’s child reciting some safety rules he’d learned in school: Stop, Look, and Listen.

Before I get into trouble, before I open my mouth to react, or get lost in obsessive analysis of another person’s behavior, or worrying about the future, I can Stop. Then I can Look at what is going on and my role in it. Then I can Listen for spiritual guidance that will remind me of my options and  help me find healthy words and actions.

So when  something unkind is said to me, I don’t automatically have to get into a loud and vicious argument. Instead,  I can take a moment to “Think.” I can  Stop, Look, and Listen. Then I might be able to engage calmly in discussion or simply walk away. If I do choose to enter the argument, at least I am now making this decision consciously, rather than letting life decide for me.

Today’s Reminder

This day is a beautiful room that’s never been seen  before. Let me cherish the seconds, minutes, and hours I spend here. Help me to think before I speak and pray before I act.

“The program helps me gain the freedom to make wise choices that are good for me. I choose to put that freedom to work in my life today”

~ Alateen —  a day at a time

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My thinking moves on a spectrum between impulse and rumination. Between those two there is a pause turned to reflection, prayer, and ultimately, action. This thinking that happens in the middle is the place where my free will is cultivated. When I operate in isolated self-will I tend toward reactionary thinking and later retreat to a depressive paralysis. Self-will run riot is not the true expression of my free will. So the between thinking is where I want to be, as much as possible.

From Courage to Change of March 3;

A recent searching and fearless moral inventory of myself (Step Four) gave me a clear message: Much of my behavior was extremely immature.  But what is mature behavior? Obviously the answer is different for each  of us, but exploring the question can help me to identify my goals and apply the Al-Anon program as I seek to change this behavior. To me, maturity includes:

Knowing myself.

Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don’t.

Admitting when I’m wrong and making amends.

Accepting love from others, even if I’m having a tough time loving myself.

Recognizing that I always have choices, and taking responsibility for the ones I make.

Seeing that life is a blessing.

Having an opinion without insisting that others share it.

Forgiving myself and others.

Recognizing my shortcomings and my strengths.

Having the courage to live one day at a time.

Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility.

Caring for people without having to take care of them.

Accepting that I’ll never be finished – I’ll always be a work-in-progress.

 

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I like the list from this reflection. I would add a few of my own.

The ability to function effectively, set goals and accomplish them with diminished rumination.

Resist the indoctrinated guilt of my past, with prayer that one day it is removed entirely.

Know the “me” that hides the most and coax him into the open for some quality time and assurance.

Feel the infinite warmth of the God of my understanding regardless of present circumstances, a perpetual serenity.

 

I am not sure that I can reach any of these be listing them. The list exists within me. I suppose I could use it as a morning mantra or maybe turn it into a song that I sing to myself throughout the day. Memorization. Repetition. This is the kind of good brain-washing techniques I would do when I was younger and the pulpit left me with laundry lists of sins to correct. I am willing. But I am not young; I do not possess that inspiring delusion that behaving right will be accompanied by super hero type powers. Life will lick me like a happy dog from time to time, but struggling and relaxing in the right balance seems to be what living life on life’s terms is about. Who knows, it might be fun to attempt a country song quilted with these assertion for positive change. Hmm.

From Courage to Change of March 2;

One of the most helpful tools I’ve found in Al-Anon is Conference Approved Literature (CAL). It took me a long time to be willing to open up to other people, but from my first meeting, this wonderful literature has helped me learn to replace a long-established, negative way of thinking with a new, healthier, more positive approach to life  and to love.

At first I used it only when I was in pain. Now I start every day off on a positive note by reading some piece of CAL with  breakfast.

It  has been especially  helpful to me  to “Think” about what I read and condense it into a sentence or two. I write this sentence on a 3 x 5 card and carry it with me throughout the day. Whenever I remember, I take out  my card and read it. You wouldn’t believe how many times it has brought a difficult situation into perspective, or offered me a different approach to a project or  conversation I’m about to begin.

Today’s Reminder

I have a wealth of information available to me which can help me grow ever freer from the effects of alcoholism on my thinking. Today I will make CAL a part of my  routine by listening to a tape or by reading a  pamphlet or chapter of a book.

“Daily reading of Al-Anon books and pamphlets opens our minds to the certainty of a better, more rewarding way of life.” ~ This  is Al-Anon

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Extracted from the following website 7 February 2018 (www.aa.org/pages/en_US/aa-literature), defining CAL for AA:

General Service Conference-approved literature reflects the group conscience of the Fellowship of A.A. and includes the book Alcoholics Anonymous (affectionately known by members as the Big Book); Daily Reflections, a compilation of spiritual reflections contributed by members; books written by one of A.A.’s co-founders (such as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and As Bill Sees It); and a wide variety of pamphlets and booklets that deal with the Three Legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous: Recovery, Unity and Service.

Extracted from the following website 7 February 2018 (www.alanonla.org/literature.html), helping define CAL for Al-Anon:

Since its founding in 1951, Al-Anon Family Groups has published more than 100 books and pamphlets that share a single purpose: to help family and friends recover from the effects of someone else’s drinking. This literature supplements the face-to-face meetings where Al-Anon members share their insights and experiences with each other. It is only one tool of the Al-Anon/Alateen program.

Extracted from the following website 7 February  2018 (https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/literature/feature-publications/) to direct reader to the Al-Anon site for the purchase of CAL.

I had a Sponsor in AA who said that he got much out of reading Courage to Change from the Al-Anon meetings he would attend. A subsequent Sponsor suggested I read Daily Reflections to help catch my mind each day and offer it another thought path to live out. I thought that the only way I was going to keep such a practice going was to read and blog my reflections. That gave this site a better direction. I did that for the Daily Reflections and now I am on a slow but steady journey through Courage to Change. It is taking some time, but I am following the suggestions of my Sponsors.

From Courage to Change of March 1;

Sometimes knowledge isn’t all it’s cracked up tp be. Naturally it can be helpful to look at past experiences for information about ourselves and our relationships. There is much to be learned from inventories, memories, and reasoning things out with others. But waiting for insight can become an excuse to avoid action.

For example, some of us fall into the trap of trying to analyze alcoholism. We don’t want to accept the reality of our circumstances because we haven’t yet figured out the rhyme and reason of it. The fact is that alcoholism is an illogical disease; we may never fully comprehend it. Nevertheless we have an obligation to ourselves to accept the reality in which we live and to act accordingly.

Others want to ignore the spiritual nature of the Al-Anon program, waiting for a clear and comfortable understanding of a Higher Power. Many of us never attain that clarity, yet we manage to develop rewarding relationships with a Power greater than ourselves by taking the action and praying anyway.

Today’s Reminder

Information can be wonderfully enlightening, but it is not the answer  to every problem. I will be honest about my motives today.

“If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.” ~ Zen proverb

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My sponsor would warn me of giving way to the “paralysis of analysis.” In subsequent readings I also discovered that those who suffer from chronic depression have a life-long habit of rumination. They would spend a great deal of time rotating thoughts over and over in their cranial caverns led by some vague hope of acquiring knowledge; mental nuggets that would prevent the reoccurrence of pain and impotence in their lives. This I have been all too familiar with. The first few hours of my day have always been devoted to this quest forged in hell. This was the source of my procrastination in breathing, the source of my tardiness to fulfill awaiting duties, and the risk of taking the inventory of the 12 Step program and turning it into morbid self-reflection.

I have not been able to stop doing this, but I have been able to limit it long enough to experience the advantage of taking action and getting away from my solitude when I realize that I am in a self-imposed coma. In fact, the continued participation in the 12 Step program these days serves to counter this old nemesis as much as it is to counter my co-dependence and addiction. It is getting better. One day at a time.

From Courage to Change of February 29;

I am told that the automatic pilot in an airplane does not work by locking onto a course and sticking to it. Instead, it steers back and forth over the path of an assigned course and makes the necessary corrections when it sense that it has started.

In reality, the auto pilot is on course only 5 to 10 percent of the time. The 90 or 95 percent of the time it is off course and correcting for its deviation.

I, too, must make continuous adjustments. I am much more willing  to do so today because I have stopped  expecting myself to be perfectly on course. I am bound to make plenty of mistakes, but with the help of the Al-Anon program, I am learning to accept mistakes as an inevitable part of the adventure of living.

Today’s Reminder

I can learn to steer the course my Higher Power sets by relying on a process of trial and error that includes  a willingness to continually make adjustments.

“A person who makes no mistakes usually does not make anything.” ~ Alcoholism, the Family Disease

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My paraphrase of the famous Star Trek into:

FEAR;  my Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the mindship Endigar. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds of thought, to seek out a new life and new networks of advancement, to boldly go where no Me has gone before.

Cue the epic music and move forward with the day…

From Courage to Change of February 28;

Turning over my will and my life to the care of a Higher Power (the Third Step) is an ongoing process. At first I surrendered only the big problems. I felt I had no choice — I was clearly powerless, and my best efforts had let me down. There was nowhere left to turn except to a Power greater than myself who could accomplish what I could not.

As my recovery progressed, I came to trust this Higher Power. Today I am pursuing a deeper relationship by improving my conscious contact with my Higher Power. When I face a  decision, whether it involves dealing with an alcoholic, accepting a job offer,  or making plans for the evening, I ask for guidance. When I pick up the phone to speak with an Al-Anon friend, I ask that I might serve as a channel for my Higher Power. I can’t always know my Higher Power’s will, but I can seek greater spiritual awareness every day by becoming willing to receive guidance.

Today’s Reminder

Faith take practice. I will include my Higher Power in more of my actions and decisions today.

“Step Three suggests I teach myself, from this moment on, to be receptive, to open myself to help from my Higher Power.” ~ Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

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I have begun to suspect that the primary point to this temporary stage of an eternal life is to develop a relationship with the Infinite One, as I sometimes call my Higher Power. The Eternal Father at other times. I have many names in the development of this relationship. Back when I was still resentful of God and myself, I referred to this Great Spirit as the Godfather who makes you an offer you cannot refuse. I saw the Spirit use alcohol as a Guido who came to beat me into a “state of reasonableness” (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 48). I have come a long way since then.

I think the point of problems large and small may be to provide opportunities to grow close to the God of my understanding, to appreciate that there is more to this spiritual journey than just being talked off the jumper’s ledge. I have grown up dealing with problems in human relationships because of the warped intimacy that co-dependency and addiction foster. I am paranoid of manipulation and abandonment which is a hard internal landscape to farm crops of trust. Step Three is the most “ongoing” process in my life. I have come to believe that it is possibly the most essential process in the 12-Step program.

My paraphrase of the Third Step Prayer from the Big Book; “GOMU  (God of my understanding), I offer myself to You, to develop and direct as I, by personal consent, follow Your revealed will. Relieve me of the bondage of isolated self, that I may be more effective in discovering and fulfilling Your will. Let the overcoming of my difficulties be a witness of the power of walking closely with You, so that others can see and trust the true democracy of Your caring direction. Let the impact of our united path encourage those You want to help in my environment to also seek Your power, love, and lifestyle enhancement in their own journey.  May the accomplishing of Your will become as habitual as breathing!”

From Courage to Change of February 27;

It is not necessary for me to map out a master plan for my recovery – my Higher Power has  already done that. It is only necessary to humbly ask for God’s guidance and for the willingness to follow that guidance today. I know that I am not alone: I will receive all the help I need along the way. After praying for recovery, I can let go, knowing I will walk serenely in the right direction.

But I can make some choices that will help to speed up my progress. I can take good care  of myself more consistently. I can attend Al-Anon meetings, call my Sponsor, try some new kind of service work. I can relax, meditate, exercise, read Al-Anon literature, play, eat a healthy meal. I find that when I put forth the effort to do what I can each day, I gradually get stronger.

Today’s Reminder

I cannot control my recovery. I can’t force myself to let go any faster, nor insist upon serenity. But I can take small actions to remind myself that I am a willing participant in this process. I have every reason to be hopeful, for each step I take is a step toward living life more fully. Today I will do something nice for myself  that  I haven’t made time for until now.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

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“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” ~ John 15:5 (Words of the Christ)

I have struggled with the idea of letting go in many areas of my life. The only times I have successfully “let go” is when I realized it was so that I could grasp something more valuable and beneficial. I release to gain.

Recently I have returned to an old practice of my younger years with a new determination. I meditate on God with pen and paper before me and write the words that come to me that are different than my own thoughts. I have learned to sever the voice of fear from this time, since that has been the primary God-imposter in my head. My own thoughts are familiar to me, the paths they take, the caverns of my mind it has me wander. No, this is a practice I take with me throughout the day that helps me move forward.

It has improved as I have matured. I am not so much looking for detailed guidance as I am trying to understand and become friends with this entity that has loved me, has intervened in my behalf, and that encourages me with simple words that have impact because of this Source I believe to be outside of myself:

“There is no need to fear. I will show Myself strong in your life. I want you to lay your head down in peace. Trust me with this life, day by day.”

From Courage to Change of February 26;

We all make mistakes. But hopefully, as we apply the Al-Anon program and continue to grow in self-awareness, we will learn from those mistakes. Amends can be made for any harm we’ve done, and we can change our behavior and attitudes so that we won’t repeat the same errors. thus, even painful past experiences can help us learn to create a better future.

The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn’t do in the past.  There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes.

If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with an Al-Anon friend, I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view. With  a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing  moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgment.

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.” ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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[Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, where she first discussed her theory of the five stages of grief discussed in detail in the Kübler-Ross model article.]

I have recently finished reading a book by a friend I met in the 12 Step recovery rooms in my area. He survived a suicide attempt and as a result, had a near death experience (NDE). I have read of several NDEs and the experience has some common threads of leaving or separating from the body but still aware of the surrounding environment of the body, the translation to a spiritual plane such as a tunnel, a light, a passage and then finally there is the encounter with some form of enlightenment that conforms to the spiritual inspiration of the Earthly experience.

All such revelation from across the veil is in antithesis to shame. Guilt and taking responsibility for cleaning up my side of the street have nothing to do with suicide and shame. Guilt can lead to action, but shame crushes the heart needed for self-improvement and recovery. I would like to read the works of Kübler-Ross. The book I finished reading was entitled I Saw Love by Tim Holmes. It has much to say about addiction and recovery. I recommend you take a peak as well. I found it on Amazon.

From Courage to Change of February 25;

Alcoholism in a family tends to promote neglect of self. Consequently, I never learned how to take care of myself when I didn’t feel well. Even with a high fever, I went about my business just as I would any other day. Anything else seemed self-indulgent and weak.

In Al-Anon I’ve had a chance to discover a different way to take care  of myself. I see others giving themselves extra attention when they are sick. They rest when they feel tired. They sometimes take the day off. They eat balanced diets. They see doctors when it seems  appropriate.

By following the examples of other Al-Anon members, I am learning to accept that I can’t  always feel on top of the world and to respond more lovingly. It’s just one  more area where I am letting go of my unrealistic expectations. Maybe illness is something my Higher Power uses to  tell me to  be good to myself.

Today’s Reminder

I am not a robot. Sometimes I get sick, or tired, or preoccupied. I will make an effort to learn what I can do to help myself feel better.

“. . . It is crucial to be diligent about taking care of ourselves, especially during stressful periods.”  . . .In All Our Affairs

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I have a friend in the program who described an overdose he experienced on a substance he got over the Internet to help deal with his anxiety. He had no history of mental illness except for the addictive nature and depression resulting from his perpetual gut-wrenching fear that lay suppressed in his daily living. He ended up in the emergency room experiencing paranoia inspired hallucinations and delusions. The worst of these was a continuous chorus of peepers who mocked him from outside the room. He would see them walk by or peek in. After he recovered, he realized that the things they said to him were voices he had heard all his life. “They all hate you. It is only a matter of time before they discover how pathetic you are. Such a pretender. There is nothing of substance or value in you. Step out onto the stage of life and they will strip you naked, expose your impotence to the world.”

On a much more toned down level, I have also had to fight these soul-jeers to move forward in life and risk performing. It is hard to accept life on life’s terms when the demonic chorus sings. Any sign of weakness must be tucked away. Self-care must never be made a matter of public record. I must do what must be done no matter how deeply it hurts.

I suspect these voices come from indoctrination in early childhood, growing up with a mother who remained wounded from life as an adult child of an active alcoholic, witnessing the tragic end of the Father she loved and adored.  The horror ripples through generations. For me, self-care becomes an act of exorcism. The voices are not real. Facts are my friends. Failing while performing is the path all must take to success. Humility is strength. I am creating a new choir in my head that values my life, my compassion, and fears not the effort to move forward. The new singers play epic soundtracks exalting the daily acts of courage.