Endigar 801
From Courage to Change of March 9;
I often struggle to know what is my will and what is God’s. I feel serenity slipping from me while a war is waged within my mind and loud voices urge me to take one path or another.
Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. I don’t have an instruction book, so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions. I know that when I feel a desperate urge to act, it is usually my will that is pushing, and when I feel a calm certainty, it is usually God’s. But much of the time, I don’t have such a clear indication. What then? Sometimes I wait for clarity or try to listen more closely for guidance; I may share my confusion and ask for the wisdom of others; or I may just make a choice, take an action, and see what happens. More will be revealed when the time is right, no matter what choice I make. Since I have turned my will and my life over to God, any choice I make can be used to carry out His will.
Today’s Reminder
Today I will remember that uncertainty is not a fault but an opportunity. Everything I do and everything that crosses my path — people, situations, ideas — all have the potential to contribute to my growth and understanding. Just for today, I don’t have to know what that contribution will be.
“There lives more faith in honest doubt, Believe me, than in half the creeds.” ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson
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The unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking is doubt. The unavoidable companion. I like that. That resonates.
For me the purpose of the struggle in segregating my will from that of my God is the realization that the GOMU (God of my understanding) is not looking to create a robotron attitude in me. I believe that the love of my Father wants me to trust, learn, and decide for myself that my truest, deepest Self will is an echo of GOMU’s heart. The testing of this life is to rip away enough isolated self-deception to see how fulfilled I am in caring about others and how much I enjoy experiencing life. My Father does not want to see me lobotomized into blind obedience. GOMU wants me to stop and ask questions and to appreciate the mystery of the Infinite One vying for my attention. It seems to me that God’s will is more of a radiance from Source than a straight line on a map. In practical terms, this means that my Step 3 / Step 11 journey may have many possible lines on that map without any one of them deviating from God’s will for me. My Papa loves and honors my freedom. What a magnificent mystery to live out.
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” / “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” ~ Steps 3 & 11 of Alcoholics Anonymous
The struggle for me comes from the hunger for maps over mystery. But that is not a relationship. That would be mindless slavery. And that is not the heart of my Father.
Daily Reprieve 
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