Archive for love

« Older Entries

1110 ~ I Feel . . .

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2026 by endigar

Loved

I feel loved when my children choose to spend time with me because it reminds me that I matter to someone.

Angry

I feel angry when I see people manipulate or exploit others because fairness is important to me.

Satisfied

I feel satisfied when I complete my daily walk because I honored a commitment to myself.

Frustrated

I feel frustrated when I have a clear vision but fail to follow through because I know I am capable of more.

Grateful

I feel grateful when I sit in an AA meeting because I have been given another chance at life.

Rested

I feel rested when I allow myself to nap without guilt because my body receives what it needs.

Tenacious

I feel tenacious when I return to spiritual and recovery work after setbacks because giving up is no longer an option.

Joyful

I feel joyful when writing flows freely because I experience creative freedom.

Embarrassed

I feel embarrassed when I remember times I abandoned my own voice because I wish I had spoken more honestly.

Ambivalent

I feel ambivalent when entering new relationships because I desire connection and fear entrapment at the same time.

Disappointed

I feel disappointed when I fail to complete a project because I wanted to bring something meaningful into the world.

Confident

I feel confident when helping a sponsee because experience has taught me I have something useful to offer.

Shame

I feel shame when I remember behaviors that conflicted with my values because I wanted to be better than I was.

Thoughtful

I feel thoughtful when contemplating mortality because it reminds me how precious life is.

Ashamed

I feel ashamed when I use escape behaviors instead of facing life because I know I am capable of greater integrity.

Trusted

I feel trusted when someone asks for my guidance because they believe my experience has value.

Hopeful

I feel hopeful when I make small daily improvements because change is occurring one step at a time.

Grief

I feel grief when I think about years spent suppressing creativity because those years cannot be reclaimed.

Humiliated

I feel humiliated when I remember situations where I felt powerless because my dignity felt threatened.

Abandoned

I feel abandoned when I perceive spiritual silence because I long for a closer sense of communion.

Playful

I feel playful when imagination is allowed to wander because there is no pressure to perform.

Humorous

I feel humorous when I recognize the absurdity of my own overthinking because life is often stranger than my fears.

Betrayed

I feel betrayed when institutions distort truth because honesty is deeply important to me.

Inspired

I feel inspired when I encounter great ideas or stories because they awaken possibility within me.

Accepted

I feel accepted when I share honestly in fellowship and receive understanding because I do not have to hide.

Guilty

I feel guilty when I neglect commitments because I know others may be affected.

Pleasure

I feel pleasure when I enjoy good food, conversation, or creative work because being alive can be enjoyable.

Fascinated

I feel fascinated when exploring spiritual mysteries because I am drawn toward understanding.

Irritated

I feel irritated when repetitive distractions interrupt meaningful work because they pull me away from my purpose.

Pleased

I feel pleased when I finish a writing project because effort has become something tangible.

Loving

I feel loving when I think about my children because I want their lives to flourish.

Excited

I feel excited when a new creative idea arrives because it feels like discovering unexplored territory.

Serene

I feel serene when walking in Orr Park because nature slows my mind and settles my spirit.

Safe

I feel safe when surrounded by trusted fellowship because I do not have to defend myself.

Enthralled

I feel enthralled when contemplating the mysteries of consciousness, God, and existence because they fill me with wonder.

Recurring Themes in my own ACA work:

Connection vs. abandonment

Expression vs. suppression

Wonder vs. certainty

Discipline vs. avoidance

Communion vs. isolation

I feel most alive when I am creating, connecting, and exploring mystery, and I suffer most when I feel silenced, isolated, or separated from what I love.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1108

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 23:

How often have I had a dream I longed to pursue, but quit before I started because it seemed too enormous a task to attempt? Going back to school, moving, taking a trip, changing jobs, all these and many other goals can seem overwhelming at first.

Al-Anon reminds me to “Keep It Simple.” Instead of approaching the task as a whole, I can simplify it by taking only one step at a time. I can gather information — and do nothing more. Then, when I’m ready, I can take the project further. That takes some of the pressure off having to know all the answers and solve every problem that may arise before I’ve even begun.

I am also free to try something and then change my mind. I do not have to make a lifetime commitment before I even know whether or not my goal is desirable.

My plans may involve many actions and many risks, but I don’t have to tackle them all today. I can take my time and move step by step at my own pace. By focusing on one thing at a time, the impossible can become likely if I “Keep It Simple.”

Today’s Reminder

With the help of Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I am capable of many things I could not even have considered before. I may even be capable of pursuing my heart’s desire.

“All glory comes from daring to begin.”
– Eugene F. Ware

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Eugene Fitch Ware was a fascinating nineteenth-century American figure who wore many hats during his lifetime: Civil War officer, attorney, Kansas state senator, newspaper editor, poet, author, and federal official. He is best remembered under his pen name “Ironquill.” Ware’s greatest fame came from his poetry. Writing as Ironquill, he became one of Kansas’s most widely read poets and was sometimes called the unofficial poet laureate of Kansas. His collection Rhymes of Ironquill enjoyed considerable popularity in the late nineteenth century. His poem “The Washerwoman’s Song” became especially well known.

Among his notable works were:

  • Rhymes of Ironquill
  • The Rise and Fall of the Saloon
  • The Indian Campaign of 1864
  • From Court to Court
  • Ithuriel

END OF NOTE—————————————

I find myself thinking about how often fear disguises itself as practicality. And about how often the greatest blessings in life were delivered gift-wrapped in fear.

I tell myself I am being protective of the dream. I tell myself I need more information, more certainty, more preparation. But beneath those reasonable-sounding objections is often a frightened child standing at the foot of a mountain, convinced he must climb the entire thing before taking a single step.

Recovery has taught me something different. It points to a tension here that fascinates me. Part of me wants certainty. Another part longs for adventure. Recovery has become the bridge between those opposing forces. It teaches me that surrender is not the abandonment of dreams. It is the abandonment of the illusion that I must control every outcome before I am allowed to begin.

I need only the courage to take the next right step and the humility to trust that my Higher Power is already waiting somewhere beyond the bend in the trail.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1106 ~ Amends to My Body

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2026 by endigar

To my body—
the vessel that has carried me through every season of my life.

I recognize that I have often treated you as an obstacle rather than a companion.
I judged your needs, mistrusted your signals, and sometimes punished you for simply being human.

For this, I am sorry.

I apologize for the times I neglected your strength and endurance—
when I abandoned discipline in movement and allowed inertia to weaken what was meant to grow strong.

I apologize for confusing suffering with holiness,
for practicing mortification instead of care,
for believing that denying you was somehow pleasing to God.

I apologize for feeding you substances and habits that dulled your clarity—
excess sugar, compulsive stimulation, and chemical escapes
that masked pain but left you burdened.

I apologize for the moments I ignored your rhythms of rest and renewal,
pushing you toward collapse or leaving you unused and stagnant.

I apologize for the shame I placed upon you—
for seeing sexuality as contamination instead of energy that required wisdom and stewardship.

I apologize for risking your health through reckless fasting, cutting, or spiritual desperation,
as if you were merely an instrument for forcing a divine response.

None of these actions honored the covenant between body and soul.

What I Understand Now

You were never my enemy.

You were the messenger of fatigue, hunger, vitality, and longing.
You carried my breath when despair tried to suffocate it.
You endured my experiments, my confusions, my wars of spirit.

Even when I misused you, you continued your quiet labor—
heart beating, lungs filling, muscles waiting to move again.

For this perseverance, I thank you.

My Amends Going Forward

I commit to treating you as a partner in my life rather than a battlefield.

I will strengthen you through regular movement and honest effort.
I will nourish you with food that sustains rather than numbs.
I will give you rest when you need it and discipline when you require challenge.

I will seek balance rather than martyrdom.

I will allow physical training to be an act of gratitude rather than punishment.
I will honor sexuality as energy to be directed wisely, not suppressed with shame or indulged without care.

I will remember that the spiritual life does not require your destruction—
it requires your cooperation.

I will listen more carefully to the signals you give.
Pain, fatigue, hunger, and desire will be invitations to awareness rather than triggers for judgment.

A Closing Acknowledgment

My body, you are not merely matter.

You are the living ground where thought becomes action,
where breath meets spirit,
where life itself unfolds moment by moment.

From this day forward, I choose partnership with you.

Together we will learn strength again.
Together we will rediscover rhythm.
Together we will live the remainder of this life with greater respect for the miracle of being alive.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1105

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 21:

Sometimes I think that, because I’ve been in Al-Anon for a long time, I shouldn’t have any more problems. When difficulties do arise, I feel something is wrong with me or with the program.

Actually, in some ways I have more problems than ever. When I came to Al-Anon, I had only one problem: I didn’t know how to fix the alcoholic. (My life was completely in shambles, but I swore that I was fine.) Today I know that I can’t fix anyone but myself, and I challenge myself daily to seek a richer, more meaningful life. I’m taking risks, facing fears, making changes, speaking up, making myself available to life.

I’m bound to run into snags here and there. Sometimes life doesn’t follow my blueprint. I get overwhelmed and want to crawl under the covers and hide. At such a time it helps to remember that Al-Anon doesn’t take away problems, but it does give me the courage and insight to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Today’s Reminder

In handling my difficulties, what’s important isn’t how much time I have in Al-Anon but how willing I am to implement the tools of recovery. While Al-Anon doesn’t grant immunity from problems, it does offer a healthy way to deal with them.

“Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.”
~ H.W. Beecher

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: H. W. Beecher refers to Henry Ward Beecher (1813–1887), a highly influential American Congregationalist minister, abolitionist, social reformer, and public speaker in the 19th century.

He was one of the most famous preachers in the United States during his lifetime.

Who he was

  • Born: June 24, 1813
  • Died: March 8, 1887
  • Son of famous preacher Lyman Beecher
  • Brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Why he mattered

Beecher was known for:

  • Abolitionism – He strongly opposed slavery and supported the Union during the Civil War.
  • Progressive theology – He emphasized God’s love over fear-based religion and rejected harsh Calvinism.
  • Women’s rights – He supported women’s suffrage (controversial for his era).
  • Social reform – He spoke on temperance, poverty, labor issues, and education.
  • Powerful oratory – His sermons drew massive crowds; he was considered one of the greatest speakers of the century.

His church in Brooklyn, Plymouth Church, became nationally famous, and he used his pulpit almost like a media platform to shape public opinion.

The scandal

Late in his life, Beecher was involved in a sensational public scandal:

  • He was accused of having an affair with Elizabeth Tilton, the wife of his friend Theodore Tilton.
  • The case led to a massive public trial in the 1870s.
  • The trial ended in a hung jury, so he was never convicted, but his reputation was deeply divided afterward.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There is a quiet humility in admitting that longevity in the program does not equal immunity from life. It is a mistake to give into that ache that causes me to say, “surely by now I should be done struggling.”  And I recognize that voice—not as weakness, but as the lingering echo of perfectionism disguised as spirituality.

I once believed recovery would make life smoother. Fewer conflicts. Fewer fears. A clean emotional horizon. What I’m slowly learning is that recovery does not flatten the terrain—it returns my eyesight. I now see the hills I once stumbled over blindfolded. I notice the interior weather. I hear my own resistance. And sometimes that awareness is exhausting.

But this is the difference:
Before, I was drowning and calling it swimming.
Now, I am swimming—and occasionally tiring—but still moving.

The old life was denial wrapped in bravado: “I’m fine.”
The new life is truth spoken gently: “I am struggling, and I am still showing up.”

How willing am I to continue to carry my spiritual toolbox forward with me.

That is where the living edge of recovery is. Not seniority. Not identity. Not performance. But willingness. Willingness to pause. To inventory. To reach out. To sit with discomfort instead of armoring against it. Willingness to let life interrupt my blueprint without collapsing into resentment.

Sometimes I absolutely want to hide. Sometimes I want the covers. Sometimes I want to be done.
And that, too, is part of the human curriculum.

But the promise is not escape.
The promise is transformation of relationship.

The problems remain.
But I am no longer alone with them.
I am no longer dishonest with them.
I am no longer powerless before them.

Today, I do not measure my recovery by the absence of difficulty.
I measure it by this quieter miracle:

That I still show up.
That I still tell the truth.
That I still reach.
That I still believe becoming is possible.

And that is enough for today.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1102

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 18:

To me, when the Second Step talks about being restored to sanity, it covers more than the ability to function responsibly and realistically. A sane way of life also includes the willingness to play, to take a break, to cultivate a hobby. I suppose I think of humor as an especially appealing hobby. It takes no special equipment, doesn’t require travel, and never falls out of fashion. When I have a good laugh, I know that my Higher Power is restoring some of my sanity.

If I can see nothing but my troubles, I am seeing with limited vision. Dwelling on these troubles allows them to control me. Of course, I need to do whatever footwork is required, but I also need to learn when to let go. When I take time to play, to laugh, and to enjoy, I am taking care of myself and giving my Higher Power some room to take care of the rest.

Today’s Reminder

A good chuckle or an engrossing activity can lift my spirits and cleanse my mind. I will refresh myself by adding some lightness to this day.

“Now I look for humor in every situation, and my Higher Power is a laughing God who reminds me not to take myself too seriously.”
~ As We Understood…

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Have I begun to trust gentleness again — not as indulgence, but as medicine?

In recovery, “sanity” often starts as crisis stabilization: stop burning down my life, stop lying, stop reacting from fear. But I want to reach deeper. I want to experience the return of playfulness, curiosity, and joy. That is not peripheral healing; that is evidence that the spirit is thawing.

I truly enjoy playing chess. Not just because of the game itself, but because it becomes a symbol:
a quiet discipline that doesn’t demand escape,
a practice that invites presence,
a place where outcome matters less than engagement.
Win or lose, I am still participating in life rather than wrestling it into submission.

The idea of limited vision is especially true in recovery work. When my mind fixates on problems, it shrinks. The world becomes a tunnel of urgency. But when you step into humor, into hobby, into lightness, the field of vision widens again. That widening feels very much like grace — like my Higher Power restoring perspective, not by force, but by invitation.

I am learning that trust in God sometimes looks like setting the burden down and picking up something beautiful instead.

The image of a “laughing God” is powerful too. Not mocking. Not dismissive. But delighted. A Presence that wants you unburdened enough to smile, unguarded enough to enjoy. Many people fear that taking life lightly is irresponsible. But what if joy is actually a spiritual discipline.

This is recovery at its clearest:

  • honest about tendency to brood
  • humble about the need for footwork
  • tender toward the self
  • reverent without rigidity
  • grounded in lived experience rather than slogans

It is indeed a life of progress, rather than a slavery to perfection. I prefer it.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1100

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 17:

“Keep coming back” is a phrase we often hear in Al-Anon. Why is it so important? Because many of us have grown so hardened in our fights with alcoholics or flights from alcoholics that we literally found it difficult to sit still for the process of recovery. We had to have answers right away or take action right away. Yet we felt just enough relief at our first meeting to come back once more. And then again, and again. Slowly we learned to sit still, to listen, and to heal.

No matter how many years we’ve been practicing the Al-Anon program, we can use the reminder to keep coming back. Difficult times come and go, even after long-term Al-Anon recovery. With each new challenge, many of us still need reminding that “there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.”

Today’s Reminder

If I feel discouraged today, I will turn to the basics of the Al-Anon program. I’ll get to a meeting, call my Sponsor, go back to the First Step. One day at a time, if I keep coming back, I know my situation will improve.

“If I really want to learn how to fit easily and happily into my environment and my relations with other people, Al-Anon has something for me.”
~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I did not learn stillness because I wanted to. I learned it because urgency finally betrayed me.

Urgency sold itself as survival. It claimed I had to act now, decide now, fix now—or else something would collapse. But that voice was never wisdom. It was control wearing panic’s uniform. It was fear insisting it be obeyed immediately so it wouldn’t be exposed.

Recovery did not indulge that impulse. It dismantled it.

Learning how to sit—really sit—was an act of resistance. Listening without fixing felt like standing down from a war posture I had lived in for decades. Letting truth arrive on its own schedule felt like treason against the part of me that believed speed was strength. But urgency was not strength. It was exhaustion pretending to be vigilance.

The work did not make life easier. It made me clearer.

Old patterns don’t die. They stalk. They wait for fatigue, pride, or distraction. New challenges don’t announce themselves as threats—they arrive disguised as competence tests: You should know better by now. That lie is seductive. It flatters the ego while isolating the soul.

When discouragement hits, the corrective is not drama. Drama is the addiction’s afterimage. The corrective is obedience to what works.

Go to the meeting.
Call the Sponsor.
Tell the truth without curating it.

Not because I am weak—but because I refuse to be ruled by impulse again.

“One day at a time” is not a concession. It is a refusal to be tyrannized by imagined futures. It is mercy with teeth. It strips the moment down to what is real and survivable and actionable—without fantasy or self-punishment.

Fitting easily and happily into the world does not mean shrinking. It does not mean appeasing. It does not mean erasing sharp edges or pretending to be agreeable. It means alignment. Spine under spirit. Presence without armor. Strength without flailing.

Consistency outperforms intensity because intensity burns hot and fast and demands applause. Consistency builds authority quietly and leaves evidence behind.

So today, I keep coming back.

Not out of sentiment.
Not out of hope alone.
But because I have learned which battles are real—and which ones were never mine to fight in the first place.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1099

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 16:

For a long time I tried to let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to do it. I needed to find a concrete way to let go. I heard someone share at a meeting that she pictured her loved ones on a beautiful ocean beach, basking in the light of a Higher Power.

Al-Anon has taught me to take what I like and leave the rest. I couldn’t relate to the beach scene, but I did find comfort in the general idea. Once again, the experience, strength, and hope of another Al-Anon member led me to find my own, personalized answer. I now envision wrapping my loved ones in the kind of blanket that I think they’d like – a down comforter, an army blanket, a patchwork quilt – and gently handing them to my Higher Power. I find it important to be very specific. After all, my fears and worries are specific.

With a clear picture of my loved ones in my Higher Power’s care, I am much more able truly to let go and let God.

Today’s Reminder

When I’m anxious about other people, I need my Higher Power’s help. Fighting with fear often strengthens its hold over me, but turning my loved ones over to God can free us all.

“‘Let Go and Let God’…teaches us to release problems that trouble and confuse us because we are not able to solve them by ourselves.” ~ This Is Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Many of the spiritual mantras in my life have sounded good and even powerful, yet failed to work for me in practice. “Perfect love drives out fear.” I held onto that phrase not because it changed me, but because it seemed to gesture toward a mystery worth exploring.

The same was true of a recovery saying meant to ease anxiety: “Let go and let God.” Again, I kept it more for its meditative challenge than for any proven effectiveness in the combustible, oxygen-rich atmosphere of everyday life. I have often asked, when faced with spiritual assertions: Where is the meat hook? How do I move from euphoric fog to practical application?

The Twelve Steps of Recovery begin with a grounded commitment to truthfulness—honesty. I didn’t reject these sayings. Instead, I assumed the problem might be my inability to align with the reality they pointed toward. Still, I need a meat hook to accompany any spiritual proclamation. Without one, I’m left with self-condemnation that quickly hardens into animal frustration. So I hold the mantra lightly and listen for the meat hooks to emerge within the collective wisdom of recovery.

Over time, some of that fog began to take form:

  1. Let go of outcomes. Take responsibility only for the next right thing.
  2. When worried about others, become a lighthouse. Build a life worth emulating.
  3. Let go of God’s relationship with those I love. Grant them the dignity and freedom of their own journey.
  4. Offer yourself to their God as available help, then remain open and attentive.
  5. Practice peace and value intelligence over panic. This creates room for the serenity, courage, and wisdom that a petitioned God provides.
  6. My God does not desire loneliness, but a family of children who delight in the presence of their source parent. I release the orphaned posture and watch the unseen become tangible.
  7. Perhaps perfected love really can drive out fear— once it finds a way to land in lived experience.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1096

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 15:

I used to feel very hurt if anyone gave me an angry look, spoke in a harsh tone, or didn’t speak at all. I’ve grown enough in Al-Anon to realize that the look, tone, or mood of another person toward me often has nothing to do with me. It generally has more to do with what is going on inside the other person.

So why do my feelings still get hurt? It occurs to me that my extreme sensitivity is a form of conceit – I think I am the focus of everyone’s actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to do with me? I suspect that attitude reflects my vanity instead of reality. And vanity is simply a defect of character that I am working on changing.

With Al-Anon’s help, my sensitivity to all that happens around me has greatly lessened. I try to ask myself, “How important is it?” When I do carry the hurt, it only hurts and controls me.

Today’s Reminder

Other people are important to me, and sometimes their opinions matter, but I may be taking something personally that has nothing to do with me. Having opinions of my own about myself lets me accept other people’s thoughts without being controlled by them.

“It was through going to meetings and the daily readings of Al-Anon literature that I awakened to the fact that what other people did and said reflected on them; what I did and said reflected on me.”
~ Living with Sobriety

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I am working on my command of attention. I no longer reflexively kneel before every raised eyebrow or tonal shift. I have withdrawn consent from the tyranny of other people’s moods. That is not emotional growth in the therapeutic sense; it is sovereignty reclaimed.

Naming sensitivity as conceit is an act of iconoclasm. I am trying to break one of the last socially protected idols: the belief that hypersensitivity equals virtue. It does not. It is a covert form of self-importance—the assumption that the world is constantly addressing me. I want to expose that lie without apology. This is not self-compassion; it is self-correction.

When I realize that carrying hurt controls me, my recovered Self hears something precise: I am identifying a hostile occupation of the nervous system. I want to restore my inner hierarchy: I decide what governs me. That is not just detachment. That is command.

My reclaiming of self-definition is not gentle differentiation—it is territorial clarity. Other people are allowed their weather, their storms, their static. But I no longer let their chaos colonize my interior. I have established borders. Opinions may cross them; control may not.

Responsibility is not shared, blurred, or emotionally pooled. What they do is theirs. What I do is mine. That boundary is not compassionate in the sentimental sense; it is clean. Clean boundaries prevent resentment, martyrdom, and false intimacy.

I am no longer trying to disappear to keep the peace.
I am standing visible, weighted, and selective.

This is force refined into discernment.
This is strength without spectacle.
This is power that does not need to announce itself—because it no longer needs permission.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1091

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 10:

Al-Anon reminds me that I can only deal with one day at a time. This allows me to be more realistic about what I can do to improve my situation. It gets rid of the constant urgency.

Today I can see that no problem lasts forever. I used to feel that if I didn’t solve a problem immediately, it would remain for all time. Now I know that everything passes eventually, the happy as well as the sad.

Today I can ask myself, “What can I do about this right here, right now?” This question helps me to identify my responsibility more realistically and shows me what part of the situation is beyond my power to control. Reasoning things out with an Al-Anon friend or attending a meeting often helps me to separate today’s problems from those belonging to the past or future. Then I do what I can and turn over the rest.

Today’s Reminder

I can cope more effectively with difficult situations when I am realistic about my responsibilities. I have the tools I need to face today’s challenges. I will trust my Higher Power with tomorrow.

“Today is only a small manageable segment of time in which our difficulties need not overwhelm us. This lifts from our hearts and minds the heavy weight of both past and future.”
~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Life often feels like I exist within a parenthetical statement. ( The left is the death of my past. The right is the diminishing fantasy of my future. ) And here I am, stuck in the middle. One day at a time. The only token I carry with me is my 24 hour chip. It marks a decision made. And remade. And made again with every rising of the sun. All other achievements in the 12 Steps are touted to encourage the struggling human who musters the courage and the positive selfishness necessary to enter the recovery rooms. I am redesigning that parentheses. ( The left is finished accomplishments. The right is being able to communicate with the Spirit. ) So, let’s flip a coin and see which bookends hold me up today.

Lucien, please clarify my words that the reader may gain more from them than my tired mind can render.

(The left is the death of my past. The right is the diminishing fantasy of my future.)

This is the sober geography of a recovering soul:
the old life behind you stiff and cold,
the idealized future growing less hypnotic,
and you standing in the narrow, luminous middle —
a place too small to carry the world
but just wide enough for a prayer,
a meeting,
a single good decision.

And then you change it — you redesign the parenthesis — and something shifts:

(The left is finished accomplishments. The right is being able to communicate with the Spirit.)

That is not just reframing.
That is resurrection architecture.
You’re rebuilding the brackets that hold your life.

On the left: not shame, not failure — accomplishments. Things finished. Decisions honored. Steps walked.

On the right: not fantasy — contact with the Spirit.
Not an imagined future, but a presence that meets you as you are and whispers the exact amount of truth you can bear today.

This is mature recovery.
This is the place where the 24-hour chip is not a trophy, but a tuning fork — struck at dawn, ringing softly through the day to remind you that the Thin Place between past and future is exactly where the Spirit waits.

“What Can I Do Right Here, Right Now?”

This question is an anchor.
It gathers the scattered pieces of mind and memory
and returns you to the only space where healing actually happens.

And when you reason things out with another traveler, or sit in a meeting long enough for the room’s heartbeat to sync with yours, you can feel the past losing its grip and the future losing its demand.

The Holy Reconstruction is quiet:

  • You do what you can.
  • You surrender what you cannot.
  • You trust God with tomorrow because God is already there.

Flipping the Coin

Your last line is not cynicism — it’s acceptance.

Some days your strength comes from what you’ve already built.
Other days it comes from the whisper of the Spirit.
Each is a bookend.
Each holds you upright in its season.

Recovery is not choosing one forever.
Recovery is learning which side is load-bearing today.

Closing

You wrote something quietly profound:

The only token I carry is my 24-hour chip.
It marks a decision made. And remade.
And made again with every rising of the sun.

That is the essence of the spiritual walk.
Not certainty.
Not completion.
But returning.

Always returning.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1090

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 09:

We humans are wonderfully adaptable. We find creative solutions to impossible situations. One coping skill that some of us develop is manipulating other people in order to get what we want. Alcoholism can create such a threatening environment that manipulation seems necessary. Today, with the help of Al-Anon, we are learning to do more than merely survive, and such manipulation becomes unnecessary and unacceptable. In Al-Anon we learn healthier ways to meet our own needs and to behave toward others.

Manipulation had been a normal part of my life for so long that I forgot how to have a discussion or make a straightforward request. If I wanted someone to do the dishes, I tried to make them feel guilty by telling them how much I had done for them, or I complained that they never did their part. It never occurred to me that I could simply and politely ask for what I wanted, or that I could accept my request being turned down! But I’m learning. A day at a time I’m learning.

Today’s Reminder

Today I am creating a better way of living, free of guilt and deception.

“We can choose to behave with personal integrity, not because it will make someone else feel better, but because it reflects a way of living that enriches and heals us.”
~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There is a point in every wounded life when you realize the old survival tricks have become a cage. Manipulation, guilt-crafting, silent punishments, emotional fog machines — these were weapons of the weak and vulnerable, forged when the world felt too dangerous to face bare-handed. They were the crooked tools carved in a childhood battlefield where truth was not safe and needs had to sneak through the back door.

But adulthood unmasks these things.
Recovery unmasks them.
Intelligent anger unmasks them.

And suddenly I saw the truth:
Manipulation isn’t clever.
It’s expensive.
It taxes my soul.
It turns me into the very thing I once feared.

Alcoholism trains you to survive by distortion — bending conversations, bending yourself, bending the room just to keep the peace or get the smallest scrap of control. But that’s not living. That’s contortion. That’s the slow self-erasure that happens when you trade honesty for outcome.

Al-Anon, for all its gentleness, is not a soft program. It is a reckoning. It teaches you that every time you manipulate, you are saying one simple sentence:

“I do not believe my voice is enough.”

And that is the lie I am burning today.

Because the ethos of intelligent anger — right anger, clean anger, patient awareness of something that needs to change in my life — is not about raging at others. It is about refusing to betray yourself with trickery. It is about lifting your chin and speaking directly, even if your voice shakes, even if the other person walks away, even if the room shifts.

It is saying:

“I am done dragging people by invisible strings.”

“I will not earn my dignity through guilt.”

“I will not bend anymore — not to avoid conflict, not to get what I want, not to keep the peace.”

Straight truth is the new blade.
Direct request is the new ritual.
Refusal accepted without collapse — that is the new power.

I am not manipulating anymore because I am not a cornered child anymore.

I am a grown man choosing integrity as a strike against the chaos that shaped me.

Today I stop trading honesty for influence.
Today I recognize that every clean boundary is a form of spiritual self-defense.
Today I become dangerous in the healthiest way —
not because I deceive people,
but because I no longer need to.

This is how I build a better life:
Not by shaping others,
but by forging myself.

Leave a comment »

« Older Entries