Daily Reprieve

This is my paraphrase of the last two paragraphs of Page 62 in the Big Book

– this is what I had to do to truly recieve what it was saying –

hope Bill W. isn’t too pissed about it

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-enthronement run riot over others personal mythologies, though he usually is practiced at hiding from this aspect of his reality.  The number one priority for those of us who have used chemical empowerment is to seek relief on a permanent level from THIS selfishness.  Not all self-focus is to be eliminated, but the selfishness that has been described in the previous paragraphs.  This need for the elimination of selfish disregard and enthronement is our number one priority because it is directly linked to our personal survival.  Doing things to insure our personal survival is a good and helpful kind of selfishness.  We believe that the Higher Power is with us on this, and has made it possible to accomplish this process for permanent and lasting results.  In fact, it seems that if the Higher Power were not involved, we would live a life constantly threatened by the return of self-enthronement.  We have tried it on our own before.  Many of us were burdened with the accumulation of moral and philosophical convictions that forced us to Live Up rather than Live Out. We were always trying to meet some standard of perfection to shield us from criticism and condemnation.  Or we simply withdrew and wished, for that is what our prayers amounted to; we would try in our own power to overcome the destructiveness of self-enthronement and could not.

So lets turn to the process of recovery and see its methods, and the reasons behind them.

FIRST OF ALL: We had to quit playing God, because it doesn’t work. It doesn’t accomplish what we desire of it. Playing God is believing that my personal mythology is superior to yours, and I must assume responsibility for your life.  I step between you and your Higher Power like a soul-draining eclipse.  These practices must be identified and tagged for destruction.

GETTING RID OF SELF

The first thing that comes to mind is suicide, yet a program of recovery seems to stand at odds with this ultimate solution.  Then I travel back to some churchian training about some mystical process of self mortification and rebirth.  The logical conclusion of that practice for me had been the development of self-loathing.  Emotional amplification was the only “rebirth” I can remember experiencing as I attempted to humble myself before god.  I experienced what I would call ecstasies on rare occasions and they seemed to have to do with a greater self-awareness.  Learning to “die daily” never worked for me.  I guess I need to understand what the BB is talking about when it says self.  So I will start with a simple meditation on the definition and see if meditating on it throughout the day, while I go to work to selfishly get money, return home to selfishly fill my belly, selfishly cultivate conversation with my father because I don’t want to be alone and he supports my life, and then selfishly rest so that I can clearly think about selfishness, and then selfishly go to a meeting tonight because I want to live.  Selfish bastard!

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Origin:
bef. 900; ME; OE self, selfa; c. D zelf, G selb-, ON sjalfr, Goth silba

I have often been sensitive to the possible hi-jacking of the spirituality of this program by the poor substitute of religion.  And one area that really sets off alarms is the proclamation of the “Infallibility of the Written Word of God.”  I believe that was intended to squash dissent and control the message and behavior of the faithful.  But I think the enforcement of that doctrine helped put much of the spiritually inclined people into a religiously induced coma.  And we saw many things develop in society because, not only did good people do nothing, but they were actually unable to do anything. 

I do not want to see this repeated with the Big Book. 

Yet I need to have something to inspire sobriety.  My argumentation with churchian corruptions can also cause me to throw the baby out with the  bathwater.  The question then is how to reconcile this tension, so that I can continue to use this material that I have witnessed actually helping others to regain their lives? 

Maybe my answer is in the creative process itself.  I trust that when someone writes, or creates, they learn to open themselves to spirits outside of themselves.  They unite with these forces, or that force, and are taken away by it.  I have experienced this.  Maybe it is like someone once said, that those who are of the Spirit are like the wind, you don’t know where they are coming from or where they are going, but you know it is real because you can feel the effects. 

So maybe there are many documents that are human attempts to capture this wind for just a moment and pass on the experience, this Vital Spiritual Experience.  In this perspective, it is not necessary to claim the religiously arrogant stance that I know where it came from, I know where it is going…I simply stop and feel it, accept it, as being actual.  And maybe my spirit will awaken as a result of taking steps toward a faith that works. 

There is a scene in the movie “Fearless” were Jet Li, as he is working in a rice patty, learns to do like the others around him, and when the breeze comes through, they all stop and just allow themselves to feel it.  I have copied this practice.  It really is a potent reminder of spiritual, creative reality. 

My sponsor directed me to read page 62.  And I have some arguments with the way it is written, the religion that drips from its words.  But if I believe that a loving and concerned Spirit inspired people to catch the wind, for just a moment in time, then my goal is not intellectual dissection of its words nor religious proclamations of its concepts.  I must find a way to rest, and feel it.  And allow it to create something new in me. 

If I face the Big Book with the thought that it is either dangerous or dead, it will be of no value to me.  And to deny that a collective of anguished human souls who came together following an intuitive lead from an unknown Spirit, a truly loving Deity…is not that great of a leap for me.  Now, I am going to see if this helps me read that page 62.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!  I ACCIDENTLY DELETED 188!  I can’t believe how much that hurts…I’m just sick.

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I want to thank the Higher Power, and Google cache, for restoring the writing to me.  And I want to thank my Higher Power for the inspiration of Shondigara to just lay my head down and hope it to be true that …”He gives blessings to His beloved in sleep.”  It is.  Angels speak in dreams and the Giving God imparts wisdom while we snore.

 STEP THREE and PAGE 62

What does step three mean when it says turn our will and life over to Gomu? How do we do that?

1. Any life run on self-will can hardly be a success (which broadens the application of statement as speaking to a human condition and not just alcoholic/addictive disease) .

A. What is meant by self-will? Most people try to live by self-propulsion. It is like the actor who is trying to run the WHOLE show. He tries to make the world adapt to his will. It usually does not work, at least not as well as he expects. These delusions develop as a result:

a. He is a victim of others, becoming angry, indignant, and self-pitying

b. He can pull satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he manages well

B. What is the definition of success as used here? Success is empowerment through connection with others, through using character traits that inspire altruistic support of one another. It is understanding that you have impact and inspiration either to isolation or to socialization.

C. As we run on isolated self-will, in the interactive reality, we end up being in collision with something or somebody, even when our motives are good. Even in the best of moments, we are a producer of confusion rather than harmony. We inspire selfishness in others, who, in turn, attempt to get what they can out of the show.

D. Any character trait that cannot be practiced universally among all people is a vice. It requires isolation and fruitless thoughts of individual empowerment that ultimately do the opposite of what we seek in the first place. Examples are the complaining business man, the lamenting preacher, controlling politicians and reformers, `poor punished outlaw, and the destitute and institutionalized alcoholic / addict.

2. The problem is then revealed to be isolated self-will, self-enthronement with a delusional disregard for others. Thus, whatever power we have we are using against ourselves. The strength of our troubles finds it birthplace in our strategies of protective isolation and practiced disregard of others. These strategies usually take the following forms

A. Building a wall with many bricks of fear to protect the sacred victim within us.

B. Strategies of self-delusion or self-imposed blindness so that we may prevent our internal reality from being disturbed or modified by our interactive reality.

C. Looking to our internal reality as the primary expectation and definition of our lives, a strategy of some form of self-seeking leading to an inflexible and disappointing life.

D. Strategy of self-pity as a form of social manipulation to persuade others to take up our lost cause.

3. Decisions based on pushing the agenda of our isolated beings have put us in a position to be hurt. We are protecting ourselves from others when we are really the source of our trouble. If we awaken ourselves, and look truthfully, we see that those instances of attack from the outside that inspire us to seek isolation, we had some part to play, some contribution of our own power that set others to retaliate.

4. The alcoholic / addict is an extreme example of Self-Will run Riot because chemical dependency overcomes inhibitions and allows our internal reality to run naked in the streets with an increased disregard for others. Our social and mental capacities are warped by this process. And if we do not get rid of this isolated self-enthronement, it will kill us. Removing it from our lives is our most important accomplishment. And one that we cannot achieve alone.

5. The solution is revealed to be a connection with our Higher Power. Gomu makes it possible to be rid of isolated self-will.

A. Our moral and philosophical convictions have proven inadequate (does this include the principles of this program?)

B. The exercise of our strong desire or will power also failed us

Damn – this one statement has me stuck…”no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid.”  Isn’t that insulting to the Creator of the universe?  He created my self and now I seek His aid to eliminate it?  And I came into this program to save my self, not to destroy it.  In context, self could mean the isolated self enthronement.  Something is not right.  No inspiration and too much struggling with words.  I’m going to bed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bsXOcK9_Cw

I am entering the dark, harsh magic of the 4th step once again, for a sponsee, and to insure a thourough housecleaning for myself.  And this time, I’m not sure that it can be a FEARLESS inventory:

http://www.imeem.com/punkedude/video/NeND8Krv/linkin_park_linkin_park_from_the_inside_music_video/

http://www.imeem.com/punkedude/video/yhC7F2j-/linkin_park_crawling_music_video/

http://www.imeem.com/mcbdlm/video/PXzna_4g/linkin_park_papercut_music_video/

 
http://www.imeem.com/xdonaxgorex/video/llfzBmva/linkin_park_linkin_parkbreaking_the_habit_music_video/

http://www.imeem.com/punkedude/video/TXQpBlYA/linin_park_somewhere_i_belong_music_video/

What is happening, my Higher Power?  You really are a better person than I am.  What is going on here?  Who are you?  Why do you care?  My mind was going in bad places, a merry-go-round of futility.  I asked for Your help, and You knocked me the fuck out.  Although I am OK with not knowing, I really would like to understand what and who I am dealing with here.  Step eleven can sound so sterile when we read it every meeting, and have it safely labeled, even given it its proper number and place.  “Spiritual Maintenance?”  Yeah.  sure.  You maintain an erection long enough, and you ejaculate.  What sort of spiritual release are you bringing me to, my Higher Power? 

11. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of our Higher Power’s will for us and the power to carry that out.”

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I have witnessed those who relapse in recovery often return to some old, familiar judgements~ familiar to me because I have also seen and heard it in the stone cathedrals of an angry god. 

“You have learned the answer, and so you can no longer say that your surrender to this disease is the result of powerlessness.  If you have found the source of power, and voluntarily relinquished it – shame on you!  It is all on your head now! ” Wow.  Ouch. 

Is this solid dose of shame given to the relapser to help them recover?  Or is it picking up the church’s bad habits of trying to control behavior, do social damage control, and filter out any deviant concept to “our way” of thinking?  Let’s go back to the beginning:

I often hear that self-knowledge will not save us, when speaking to the new-comer.  But the relapser may be told that you missed something the first time around, and we need to go back through the steps.  There are members who promote the Big Book as being the infallible Word of the Higher Power, and that being “properly armed with the facts” will preserve you.  Maybe the reality is that recovery as a new mental obsession mearly builds a landing strip for the Vital Spiritual Experience.  The VSE was the solution in the beginning, and it is still the solution for those who have suffered the humiliation and demoralization of a relapse.  Self-knowledge was not the answer in the beginning, and I do not believe that it is now the answer after relapse.

Here we see that in the beginning, religious convictions were not the answer.  It was necessary to have the VITAL SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.  They are not the same.  And yet this changes somewhat for the relapser.  Learn the principles of the program.  Gain strength of character.  The implied message is the conditional love and acceptance of your Higher Power, and the fellowship, and that the VSE is a one shot deal. 

In this passage the alcoholic / addict is simply asking do you have a better substitute for my drug of choice than a religious labotomy?  And the answer is a very confident yes.  Surrounded by a fellowship of friends and the presence of your Higher Power, you will find release from being isolated and soley responsible  for you own care, so there goes the life of being stupid.  You will find release from detached apathy as your imagination is fired.  So there goes the religious life of safe boredom.  Your life will mean something at last, so there goes depression of pretending to have value.  It is a promise that as you cultivate the Vital Spiritual Experience you first gained in the program, the most satisfactory years of life are ahead of you.  You will  not look with vicarious pleasure backwards to the adventures of your insanity.  They will be nothing compared to the adventures ahead of you. 

In balance, the process requires the confronting and clearing away of our short-comings.  But this is testimony to the fact that the VSE changes us in a very natural way, in conjunction with our free will, in order to make us more useful, and thus more connected, and finally more powerful. 

In the first six months of Bill Wilson’s sobriety he preached to alcoholics as the Oxford movement had taught him, and everyone of them were lost to relapse.  Then the Higher Power got him a job assignment that pulled him away from the Oxford movement, and I suspect, the church mindset of his wife (I suspect this because of the tone of the chapter he wrote called “To Wives”)  and was left alone with his VSE.  He listened to intuitive guidance which led to the connection with Dr Bob, against all odds.  And Bill quit preaching.  He shared from his experience.  One alcoholic to another, confronting the human condition of powerlessness, as it specifically relates to this disease. 

We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense?

As time passes (in this process), our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely upon it.

So it appears to me that the initial goal of this process is to gain a Vital Spiritual Experience or a “Spiritual Awakening”.  And I must continue to seek after, cultivate, and enlarge it – or I slowly return to isolated stupidity and, ultimately, drug-using insanity.  The process is perfect for that one that first walks in the door, and for that one that comes back in the door from field research.  Welcome home. 

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