Endigar 191


The first thing that comes to mind is suicide, yet a program of recovery seems to stand at odds with this ultimate solution.  Then I travel back to some churchian training about some mystical process of self mortification and rebirth.  The logical conclusion of that practice for me had been the development of self-loathing.  Emotional amplification was the only “rebirth” I can remember experiencing as I attempted to humble myself before god.  I experienced what I would call ecstasies on rare occasions and they seemed to have to do with a greater self-awareness.  Learning to “die daily” never worked for me.  I guess I need to understand what the BB is talking about when it says self.  So I will start with a simple meditation on the definition and see if meditating on it throughout the day, while I go to work to selfishly get money, return home to selfishly fill my belly, selfishly cultivate conversation with my father because I don’t want to be alone and he supports my life, and then selfishly rest so that I can clearly think about selfishness, and then selfishly go to a meeting tonight because I want to live.  Selfish bastard!


1. a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality: one’s own self.
2. a person’s nature, character, etc.: his better self.
3. personal interest.
4. Philosophy.

a. the ego; that which knows, remembers, desires, suffers, etc., as contrasted with that known, remembered, etc.
b. the uniting principle, as a soul, underlying all subjective experience.
5. being the same throughout, as a color; uniform.
6. being of one piece with or the same material as the rest: drapes with a self lining.
7. Immunology. the natural constituents of the body, which are normally not subject to attack by components of the immune system (contrasted with nonself ).
8. Obsolete. same.
9. myself, himself, herself, etc.: to make a check payable to self.
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
10. to self-pollinate.

bef. 900; ME; OE self, selfa; c. D zelf, G selb-, ON sjalfr, Goth silba

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