Daily Reprieve

I managed to secure my first DUI, my first ever night in jail this last weekend.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  When I was reflecting over the nature of my disease, desperately trying to come to some kind of understanding about the terms of my life, wrestling with this HP that eludes my comprehension – this came to me:

Reality Mileposts / That which enhances your understanding of reality and life’s terms

I am seriously considering a withdrawal from the Internet.  I need to start over.  I complicate my life to the point of pure frustration.  A psychic change?  A spiritual experience?  The re-creation of my life.

If there is anything you find of value on this site, go ahead and grab it.  I am not sure when I will shut down. 

By the way, this isn’t a surrender to the disease.  I guess.  I have no intention of surrendering to alcohol.  I will do the things in recovery I know to do.  I just need some simplicity.  I complicate everything, and it doesn’t work.  I think that I am in Phase 3, moving into Phase 4.  This has to stop.

I want to apologize to those out there who might qualify as my audience.  I truly did not mean to vomit my insanity all over you.  I talked to my sponsor today, and he suggested a novel idea.  I should pray the 4th step prayer for resentments against myself.  I am a  sick man, how can I be of benefit to me.  Interesting.  I am better.  He also said act as if my Higher Power has this situation in control.  I will try.

I think I understand, after some talking with John about this whole deal.  I have been equipped with an anti-religion virus protection within, so that I will not suffer the body snatching phenomenon of the religious hi-jack.  I desire true clear substance in my spiritual walk.  I must make it to work now.

My dreams where gothic, but not disturbing.  My neck is sore.  I am tired.  And I still don’t know what happened last night.  I watched NCIS and Criminal Minds with my Father.  But I have done that plenty of times before.  Criminal Minds turned me on to Tennessee Williams quotes.  It was as if something in me was looking for an escape – this disease?  I don’t know.

I don’t know what happened when the sun went down today, but I really don’t like god.   Or maybe just the concept of god.  And now the anxiety returns.  I hate this up and down crap.  I want to bleed tonight.  To hurt until I am out of my mind with the pain.  To cut my flesh and see the red flow, and taste it.  What changed?  I missed one damn meeting and here I am.  Makes no sense.   I want to fight – I don’t care if I win or lose – just fight hard.  I want to be lost in an eternal orgy of mindless fucking.  My heart is racing.  I am going to try and get myself back into bed.  I wish war would consume this hellish peace, this place of day in day out driving in line, saying bless you when some one sneezes, walking freely not because you are safe, but because you are unimportant.  Judged by mindless manipulative drones of a world built on a system of mendacity.  The invisible carrot stick of rewards and punishments pitting us against ourselves and each other. 

I don’t want to be noticed, scrutinized, judged.  I want to be left alone.  Or do I?  I just don’t want to be drawn and quartered by significant but conflicting passions and devotions. 

Finally, a yawn.  good night.  Dammit!  it obviously isn’t a good night.  Why did I say that?  I will say simply ~ end day.

Life is an unanswered question, but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.
Tennessee Williams

It is 6:40 am Central time and I am now 45.6% complete on the 4th column of resentments for the 4th step.  I ended up adding 2 resentments.

It is 7:02 am and I am now at 46.4% complete.  I added another resentment.

It is time to get started for work.

“The bondage of self.”  This concept often sounded too religious to swallow for me.  But the burden of my alcoholism, the demands of the craving, and the mental gymnastics necessary to support and justify the obsession, are nothing compared to the bondage of self.  I look back over my military service, and how I diverted time away from necessary disciplines to make myself feel better, to pay tribute to desires that have challenged my health and my ability to be of service to younger soldiers who need me now.  My great possession of a consensual slave has been riddled with neglect so that I could appease this monster in the closet.  Family relationships dry up as I must protect my time and space from their intrusions.  And what is the fruit of this great devotion to myself?  I hate me.  I resent me more than any other human on earth.  But I know the buttons to push to make me do what I demand of me.  An exorcist once faced the futility of his efforts in my behalf and said, “there is no way I can deliver you from yourself.” 

I am fucked if there isn’t a power greater than me.  I cast a shadow over myself, and know there is no escape.  That is the true nature of my powerlessness.  What-ever you are out there, please help me.  I am so tired and exhausted.

Higher Power, what ever you are, I want to drop my guard.  Quit arguing.  I fire myself as my taskmaster and the builder of my life, and I consent to you taking over.  I have been my everything, and it leaves me with nothing inside.  I am powerless over the bondage of self-enthronement.  If your energy does not fill and move me, I will step in and take over, and die in non-consensual slavery to my soul-crushing designs.  I need you, really need you.  I am not going to make this, cannot face this anymore.  I believe that it is your will that I flourish as a person.  Don’t give me the freedom that leaves me alone and wondering and ignored.  Give me the freedom of intimate empowerment.  While you are loving others and working miraculous transformations, please let me be apart of that.  Should any of us die alone or live in tragedy if there is a way of life that is happy and free?  As you are helping me grasp this way of living, please let me also help others grasp it.  I am not just looking to obey you, but to be you in whatever way you chose.  If you are not my everything, you will become my great nothing.  Instead of my own voice dripping with self-judgment and screaming demands that echo in my skull, please let me tune into your will and guidance and take the action necessary to keep me out of my head and in this life.  I am tired, so tired.  Such as I am, I request that you empower and use me.  Whoever you are.

Good night out there.  whoever you are.

I really want to complete this 4th step.  I am in pain tonight.  shit.

It is 9:26 pm central time and I am now at 42.4% complete on the 4th column of my resentments.

It is 9:41 pm and I am now at 43.9%.

It is 9:58 pm and I am at 45.5%.

I’m exhausted…got to go to bed.

My new sobriety date remains 16th June 2009.  I am still alive.  I have been doing well, got to spend some wonderful time with both my slave and my daughter.  I am tired.  I made a meeting to escape the sudden appearance of the obsession.  I am trying to move forward with the 4th step.  I will load my progress here.  Remember that I am 100% complete on the first 3 columns, and am trying to finish the 4th column on the Resentments.  I have not touched Fear or Sexual Sanity yet.

I was at 28.8% complete on that 4th column.

It is 10:21 pm central and I am not at 30.3%.

It is 10:35 pm and I am at 31.8%.

It is 10:56 pm and I am at 33.3%.

It is 11:32 pm and I am at 34.8%.

It is 11:45 pm and I am at 36.4%.

It is 12:03 am, 22nd of June, and I am at 37.9%.

It is 12:42 am and I am at 39.4%.

It is 12:57 am and I am at 40.9%.

I have finished those resentments associated with God.  I think I am going to go to bed.