Endigar 218

I don’t know what happened when the sun went down today, but I really don’t like god.   Or maybe just the concept of god.  And now the anxiety returns.  I hate this up and down crap.  I want to bleed tonight.  To hurt until I am out of my mind with the pain.  To cut my flesh and see the red flow, and taste it.  What changed?  I missed one damn meeting and here I am.  Makes no sense.   I want to fight – I don’t care if I win or lose – just fight hard.  I want to be lost in an eternal orgy of mindless fucking.  My heart is racing.  I am going to try and get myself back into bed.  I wish war would consume this hellish peace, this place of day in day out driving in line, saying bless you when some one sneezes, walking freely not because you are safe, but because you are unimportant.  Judged by mindless manipulative drones of a world built on a system of mendacity.  The invisible carrot stick of rewards and punishments pitting us against ourselves and each other. 

I don’t want to be noticed, scrutinized, judged.  I want to be left alone.  Or do I?  I just don’t want to be drawn and quartered by significant but conflicting passions and devotions. 

Finally, a yawn.  good night.  Dammit!  it obviously isn’t a good night.  Why did I say that?  I will say simply ~ end day.

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