Endigar 222

I managed to secure my first DUI, my first ever night in jail this last weekend.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  When I was reflecting over the nature of my disease, desperately trying to come to some kind of understanding about the terms of my life, wrestling with this HP that eludes my comprehension – this came to me:

Contributing Factors to the Progression of Disease >
 
Genetic Transference – Fluctuating Genetics – chemical alterations of our DNA
Quantity Ingested and Time Devoted to Intoxication
The ability to support the necessary mental twist through creative intellect
The Delusional Accommodation necessary to pursue this tragic end – why this is often a death blow to the creative individual
Compartmentalized Intellect – what is learned under the influence must be accessed under the influence.
 
Progress of Disease in Phases >
 
Phase 1 > Initial Ingestion / Relief of Emotional and Mental Duress (Still able to hide among regular drinkers) still can quit, but who would want to? – the Paradise moment
 
Phase 2 > Social Ingestion / Connection and Acceptance / Chemical obsession and craving is still weak enough to resist via will power (Can only hide among heavy drinkers)
 
Phase 3 > Chemical Empowerment as a Spiritual Substitute / Obsession and Craving are significantly increased / If you can find empowerment elsewhere, you still have a chance of overcoming through the fulfillment of other human institutions (must isolate to prevent detection and intervention) but a spiritual override will help you gain ground quicker against the disease. 
 
Phase 4 > Development of the Dichotomous Cleavage / Nursing Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Major help is needed – the use of spiritual override in some form is the primary solution.  Consequences are piling up.
 
Phase 5 > Black Hole – Hopeless with only the spiritual override as a solution.   The wake  of destruction is the herald of a tragic end.
Contributing Factors to The Import of Spiritual Override

Reality Mileposts / That which enhances your understanding of reality and life’s terms

I am seriously considering a withdrawal from the Internet.  I need to start over.  I complicate my life to the point of pure frustration.  A psychic change?  A spiritual experience?  The re-creation of my life.

If there is anything you find of value on this site, go ahead and grab it.  I am not sure when I will shut down. 

By the way, this isn’t a surrender to the disease.  I guess.  I have no intention of surrendering to alcohol.  I will do the things in recovery I know to do.  I just need some simplicity.  I complicate everything, and it doesn’t work.  I think that I am in Phase 3, moving into Phase 4.  This has to stop.

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