Endigar 215

“The bondage of self.”  This concept often sounded too religious to swallow for me.  But the burden of my alcoholism, the demands of the craving, and the mental gymnastics necessary to support and justify the obsession, are nothing compared to the bondage of self.  I look back over my military service, and how I diverted time away from necessary disciplines to make myself feel better, to pay tribute to desires that have challenged my health and my ability to be of service to younger soldiers who need me now.  My great possession of a consensual slave has been riddled with neglect so that I could appease this monster in the closet.  Family relationships dry up as I must protect my time and space from their intrusions.  And what is the fruit of this great devotion to myself?  I hate me.  I resent me more than any other human on earth.  But I know the buttons to push to make me do what I demand of me.  An exorcist once faced the futility of his efforts in my behalf and said, “there is no way I can deliver you from yourself.” 

I am fucked if there isn’t a power greater than me.  I cast a shadow over myself, and know there is no escape.  That is the true nature of my powerlessness.  What-ever you are out there, please help me.  I am so tired and exhausted.

Higher Power, what ever you are, I want to drop my guard.  Quit arguing.  I fire myself as my taskmaster and the builder of my life, and I consent to you taking over.  I have been my everything, and it leaves me with nothing inside.  I am powerless over the bondage of self-enthronement.  If your energy does not fill and move me, I will step in and take over, and die in non-consensual slavery to my soul-crushing designs.  I need you, really need you.  I am not going to make this, cannot face this anymore.  I believe that it is your will that I flourish as a person.  Don’t give me the freedom that leaves me alone and wondering and ignored.  Give me the freedom of intimate empowerment.  While you are loving others and working miraculous transformations, please let me be apart of that.  Should any of us die alone or live in tragedy if there is a way of life that is happy and free?  As you are helping me grasp this way of living, please let me also help others grasp it.  I am not just looking to obey you, but to be you in whatever way you chose.  If you are not my everything, you will become my great nothing.  Instead of my own voice dripping with self-judgment and screaming demands that echo in my skull, please let me tune into your will and guidance and take the action necessary to keep me out of my head and in this life.  I am tired, so tired.  Such as I am, I request that you empower and use me.  Whoever you are.

Good night out there.  whoever you are.

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