Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.  (As Bill Sees It, page 283)

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of A.A., alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was, “This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round.” The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: “Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal.” I’m free and I’m grateful!

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Admitting complete defeat.  It is hard for me to stay there long enough to be more than a visitor to this other dimension.  It is my hope to learn from others rather than insisting on dwelling in a slothful skepticism.  I will keep working.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. . . . We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others. . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence.  (As Bill Sees It, page 252)

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life-my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.

It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

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Relapse in recovery is another blow to self-esteem.  When you know what needs to be done and yet succumb to the insanity of the disease once more, that just feels doubly insane.  I can remember the first time I had to pick up a silver chip and felt the fearful disdain of my comrades in the struggle.  Whether real or imagined, I felt like a radioactive leper.  Because of the words of a few and the notorious sensitivities of the alcoholic that I am, I thought that the grace that was present for the newcomer was not there for those of us who have had trouble accruing consistent abstinence.

This is the encouragement that I cling to in my stop and go progress in recovery.  My goal is spiritual sobriety.  Although chemical abstinence is easier to measure, it is not the primary goal.  Sobriety is a surrender to the realities of the unseen world.  It is access to the power of that which is hidden to our organic eyes.  It is the assurance that there is something out there that really loves and cares for me.  When I can hold onto that truth, I began to see and experience the love of others in recovery.  In this way, I learn to love myself in spite of my clumsy march toward sobriety.  Chemical abstinence is a byproduct of spiritual health and growth.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.  (As Bill Sees It, page 285)

In my early years of sobriety I was full of pride, thinking that A.A. was the only source of treatment for a good and happy life. It certainly was the basic ingredient for my sobriety and even today, with over twelve years in the program, I am very involved in meetings, sponsorship and service. During the first four years of my recovery, I found it necessary to seek professional help, since my emotional health was extremely poor. There are those folks too, who have found sobriety and happiness in other organizations. A.A. taught me that I had a choice: to go to any lengths to enhance my sobriety. A.A. may not be a cure-all for everything, but it is the center of my sober living.

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At a multi-service military training post, I remember passing by the Marine barracks.  The had a pull-up bar out front with a sign over head that read “Pain is Temporary, Pride is Forever.”  I really liked the energy behind the words, but it ran contrary to some of my early study of the scriptures, which I valued as a source of authority at the time.  “God resists the proud, but shows favor to the humble.”  I asked myself then, does God resist these Marines who live so very willing to sacrifice themselves in the defense of others?  of our country?

My resolution was that pride is a word among many in the English language that can be spoken and mean very different things.  I think the Pride of the Marines is a confidence, an absolute trust in their training process and the power of their surrender to it.  The Pride that is mutually exclusive to humility and warrants God’s resistance is the wall one builds around oneself to hide weakness and focus attention on what we perceive to be our strength.  There is an inherit self delusion that is required in defending such a wall to maintain this fortress that filters out accountability.  Such a fortress quickly becomes a self-made prison.  The loving Gomu (God of my understanding) wants me to come out into the open and manifest my highest self.  That cannot be achieved when I protect a lower version of me.

I do have confidence in the 12 step process in my own life and will continue supporting it in my own spiritual journey.  If I need other processes to grow, I will not build a pride-prison that will make AA the only way and cut me off from those important developments in my life.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.  (As Bill Sees It, page 173)

I came to A.A. green – a seedling quivering with exposed taproots. It was for survival but it was a beginning. I stretched, developed, twisted, but with the help of others, my spirit eventually burst up from the roots. I was free. I acted, withered, went inside, prayed, acted again, understood anew, as one moment of perception struck. Up from my roots, spirit-arms lengthened into strong, green shoots: high-springing servants stepping skyward.

Here on earth God unconditionally continues the legacy of higher love. My A.A. life put me “on a different footing . . . [my] roots grasped a new soil”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 12)

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This plant growing analogy is much too pretty, graceful, or patient to be applicable to my first days in the rooms.  Roots of reality found depth in the broken soil of grief and great spiritual loss.  If I resist the very real temptation to rip up what has taken root, to allow the young plant to strengthen, I will begin to experience the tasty fruit of the program.  It is the fact that the plant feeds my internal hunger that motivates me to water and tend it.  As an unseen by-product of this silent growth, the soil of my sanity is held in place.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“I don’t think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I don’t believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it. . . . We should practice . . . acquiring the spirit of service. We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isn’t easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today. But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else. . . .”  (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, pages 307-08)

Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.

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I rarely find inward growth to be as steady as the well tended garden.  For me, it is like the advancing ocean tide. Wave pushes in and then recede, but overall the tide advances forward.  It is hard to detect the mighty changes taking place while wrestling with the rise of and fall of my emotional intensity.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself.

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Self-pity, dishonesty, and isolated self-seeking motives are particular manifestations of my disease.  They help to cut me off from vital connections.  When I am cut-off, the disease moves in for the kill.  I do disagree with the contributor in that I do not believe being of service to others is helping them do what they want to do.  Serving others is doing whatever it takes to help them manifest their highest self.  We do not honor the self-pity, dishonesty and isolated self-seeking motives in their lives any more than we do in our own.  It takes the guidance of Gomu (God of my understanding) and the council of the Sober Ones to develop an understanding of how I am to serve.  For me, to serve is to recognize the dormant powers created in me, and then I contribute that energy to the common good, the human collective.  The AA program provides me the best opportunity for such pursuits.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them.  (As Bill Sees It, page 167)

The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritual-almost incomprehensible. But it is there. I “feel” it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me.

It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do this-or how to try. I never even cared. The Fellowship of A.A., and God, are teaching me how to care about others.

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Today I am fighting a bit of depression.  I watched a film called “Machine Gun Preacher,” and later, I watched Mel Gibson’s “The Passion.”  There are some standards of caring about others that seem way out of my reach.  My social anxiety keeps me from connecting.  The Fellowship of AA has provided me with the opportunity to connect and care.  I am not sure how or if I will ever overcome this fear.  I desire to.  I suppose it is time for a meeting.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 49)

“Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there.” I don’t know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.

I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn’t know that one of the definitions of “courage” is “the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear.” Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.

During the times I didn’t have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

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I am better with recognizing the illusions that are fear produced. Something in my gut still gurgles up raw anxiety and I have to remove the autopilot of fulfilling tasks and remind myself that this is not real or that it is being exaggerated. Maybe I will develop an automatic response over time that will cause me to process all fear more quickly. At times, it competes to become my Higher Power. Thanks to this program, that void is already filled, and fear no longer has an easy time of it when confronting me.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 66)

“Dubious luxury.” How often have I remembered those words. It’s not just anger that’s best left to nonalcoholics; I built a list including justifiable resentment, self-pity, judgmentalism, self-righteousness, false pride and false humility. I’m always surprised to read the actual quote. So well have the principles of the program been drummed into me that I keep thinking all of these defects are listed too. Thank God I can’t afford them or I surely would indulge in them.

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The assertion that the aggressive anger that pushes forth my isolated self-will is a luxury for all humans is something I have to consider.  It often seems to me that in order to get things accomplished, there has to be a fierce, angry approach to life.  This is a social delusion that most of us indulge in one form or another.  The Hollywood icon of the lone wolf justifies antisocial behavior by adorning it with accomplishments dripping with the blood of all who dare to resist the isolated will.

It is an illusion of strength.  When the alcoholic entertains it, then that first drink makes a lot of sense.  The tragic demoralization and death of addiction becomes the collateral damage that will be endured.

The moral inventory begins to reveal the true substance of strength.  It is found in the cooperative will that gets one up every day to do the little things.  It is found in realizing that we are all in this together.  My drive to work is not a competitive sport.  My daily schedule is not a hit list.  The strong man or woman that we all look to is the person that emulates the qualities of Gomu (the God of my understanding).  They give a damn about others. They seek to empower the individuals serving the common good.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. (As Bill Sees It, page 5)

It has been said, “Anger is a luxury I cannot afford.” Does this suggest I ignore this human emotion?  I believe not. Before I learned of the A.A. program, I was a slave to the behavior patterns of alcoholism.  I was chained to negativity, with no hope of cutting loose.

The Steps offered me an alternative. Step Four was the beginning of the end of my bondage. The process of “letting go” started with an inventory. I needed not be frightened, for the previous Steps assured me I was not alone. My Higher Power led me to this door and gave me the gift of choice. Today I can choose to open the door to freedom and rejoice in the sunlight of the Steps, as they cleanse the spirit within me.

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I experienced a great deal of emotional constipation in active alcoholism.  Actually, I experienced impacted anxiety feces in my emotional bowel tract long before alcohol grew into a full fledged demon.  I simply did not know of a good way to process intense emotions.  I either suppressed or exploded.  The moral inventory has given me a way to process perfectly legitimate emotions in perfectly appropriate ways.  Once my emotional digestive system has been cleaned out with fourth step work, I can work to maintain regularity with tenth step work (after working steps five through nine).