Daily Reprieve

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. . . . We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others. . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence.  (As Bill Sees It, page 252)

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life-my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.

It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

END OF QUOTE

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Relapse in recovery is another blow to self-esteem.  When you know what needs to be done and yet succumb to the insanity of the disease once more, that just feels doubly insane.  I can remember the first time I had to pick up a silver chip and felt the fearful disdain of my comrades in the struggle.  Whether real or imagined, I felt like a radioactive leper.  Because of the words of a few and the notorious sensitivities of the alcoholic that I am, I thought that the grace that was present for the newcomer was not there for those of us who have had trouble accruing consistent abstinence.

This is the encouragement that I cling to in my stop and go progress in recovery.  My goal is spiritual sobriety.  Although chemical abstinence is easier to measure, it is not the primary goal.  Sobriety is a surrender to the realities of the unseen world.  It is access to the power of that which is hidden to our organic eyes.  It is the assurance that there is something out there that really loves and cares for me.  When I can hold onto that truth, I began to see and experience the love of others in recovery.  In this way, I learn to love myself in spite of my clumsy march toward sobriety.  Chemical abstinence is a byproduct of spiritual health and growth.

This entry was posted on April 25, 2014 at 6:16 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.