Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.   (A.A. Comes of Age, page 46)

A thousand beatings by John Barleycorn did not encourage me to admit defeat. I believed it was my moral obligation to conquer my “enemy-friend.” At my first A.A. meeting I was blessed with a feeling that it was all right to admit defeat to a disease which had nothing to do with my “moral fiber.” I knew instinctively that I was in the presence of a great love when I entered the doors of A.A. With no effort on my part, I became aware that to love myself was good and right, as God had intended. My feelings set me free, where my thoughts had held me in bondage. I am grateful.

END OF QUOTE

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I can not even begin to describe the sense of futility and the ever present misery of my life when I sought to be free from sin.  This reality existed before my alcoholism was ignited.  It was in this dehumanizing pursuit of purity that my separation from society was enhanced.  I worked to protect myself from the corruption within and without.  I isolated myself to appease a God that seemed to remain aloof.

That was one of my old self-destructive ways that I had to let go of if I was going to survive.

I was given, instead, the realization that my alcoholism is a disease.  After a certain point in the disease’s development, my brain will not override the primal tap of that alcoholic sensation.  My will and intent are eroded and finally collapse in on my infected mind.

Sin justifies death.  Disease embraces a cure.  That is the simple formula for me.  This new paradigm allows me to look into healing mirrors rather than prison reflections to evaluate the worth of my life.  I needed help, not divine jurisprudence.  My fellow humans are not contaminants; they are life saving connections.

My old step program:

1.  I admitted that I am powerless over sin – my life has become pathetically worthless.

2. Came to believe that a pure and holy God could transform me to his perfection.

3. Made a decision to enact self-death rituals to be mystically possessed and replaced by the spirit of His martyred Son.

4.  Rinse and repeat until perfectly holy.

I am no longer stuck in that infinite loop because of the saving heresy of the disease concept.  I am grateful to the God of my understanding and to the 12 step program of AA.  That God desires an intimate connection with me as we walk out progress and discard perfection.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . if only men were granted absolute liberty, and were compelled to obey no one, they would then voluntarily associate themselves in the common interest.  (As Bill Sees It, page 50)

When I no longer live under the dictates of another or of alcohol, I live in a new freedom. When I release the past and all the excess baggage I have carried for so very long, I come to know freedom. I have been introduced into a life and a fellowship of freedom. The Steps are a “recommended” way of finding a new life, there are no commands or dictates in A.A. I am free to serve from desire rather than decree. There is the understanding that I will benefit from the growth of other members and I take what I learn and bring it back to the group. The “common welfare” finds room to grow in the society of personal freedom.

END OF QUOTE

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The ideals of a benign anarchy have been achieved in A.A. because of the threat of an alcoholic tyranny ready to recapture its former citizens.  There may be no dictates or commands in A.A., but there are plenty of life and death scenarios that keep our wagons circled.  The recommendations are not just good ideas, they are tips for survival.  The paradox of keeping only what I am able to give away is the initial shove to help others.  We are not naturally altruistic.

The magic comes when this community of anarchist refugees connect to a Power greater than themselves and we are transformed.  Individual freedom becomes a channel for connection and personal empowerment.  I then begin to reach out to others because its what I want to do.  My life can then be apart of bringing the Benign to whatever governing structure I find myself in; anarchy, democracy, or tyranny.

The goal is not improved government, but transformation that makes government obsolete.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. . . search diligently within yourself. . . . With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55)

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of A.A. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the A.A. program. By coming to meetings, staying sober, and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness to the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. In this process, I met my God, as I understand Him.

END OF QUOTE

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I carve out a time when I awaken to meet with my Higher Power.  Often I approach with a belly full of anxiety.  I try to milk God for the blueprints of conquest for the day.  I get nothing.  So, I learn to make the carved out time say simply that “I desire to do Your will.”  If  He or She tells me, I am accountable to that word.  If God is silent, I am accountable to what I have last heard.  If that is not available to me, I am accountable to the next right thing spelled out in recovery and the principles of the steps.

I believe that as I make a habit of carving out time for just Gomu (God of my understanding) and I, that space will not remain void.  Eventually, I will approach in trust that both silence or inspiration can be filled with the presence of a loving God.  I am not alone.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

Open-mindedness to concepts of a Higher Power can open doors to the spirit. Often I find the human spirit in various dogmas and faiths. I can be spiritual in the sharing of myself. The sharing of self joins me to the human race and brings me closer to God, as I understand Him.

END OF QUOTE

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This is one of the saving heresies of A.A. for me.

“But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is straitened and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it.”  ~ Matthew 7:14, Amplified Version of the Bible.

The above passage from the Big Book and the traditional interpretation of the above Christian scripture seem to be at odds.  It was such a relief to me to drop the “us and them” and the “us against the world” and the “God is going to lovingly and eternally fry most of His objects of love.”

I have witnessed the miraculous transformation of people who violated and continue to violate Churchian dogma in the rooms of AA.  It is as if God didn’t get the memo on exclusion of those who chose differing spiritual paths.

This helped me to know that there was a difference between the God who loves me and my individual expression of humanity and the Churchian deity that I believed was chiseled into existence by those highly invested in social control.

I had to develop the skill to lie to myself in order to continuing drinking when I knew it to be self-destructive.  I wonder if I first practiced that skill in church in a co-dependent attempt to justify and enable a sociopath god bent on  criminalizing humanity.

Just a note to those who have found their spiritual path in centralized religion, who find a beautiful portrayal of a loving God in their church, temple, or mosque;  I am for you.  I do not want you to turn away from that which works for you, but I do want you to desire the same thing for me.  I want you to reciprocate my tolerance and compassion.

This reminds me of the story of The Blind Men and the Elephant;

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Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, “Hey, there is an elephant in the village today.”

They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, “Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway.” All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.

“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.

“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.

“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, “What is the matter?” They said, “We cannot agree to what the elephant is like.” Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, “All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said.”

“Oh!” everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.

Primary Source [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“. . .You can . . . make A.A. itself your ‘higher power.’ Here’s a very large group of people who have solved their alcohol problem. . . . many members . . . have crossed the threshold just this way. . . . their faith broadened and deepened. . . . transformed, they came to believe in a Higher Power. . . .”   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 27-28)

No one was greater than I, at least in my eyes, when I was drinking. Nevertheless, I couldn’t smile at myself in the mirror, so I came to A.A. where, with others, I heard talk of a Higher Power. I couldn’t accept the concept of a Higher Power because I believed God was cruel and unloving. In desperation I chose a table, a tree, then my A.A. group, as my Higher Power. Time passed, my life improved, and I began to wonder about this Higher Power. Gradually, with patience, humility and a lot of questions, I came to believe in God. Now my relationship with my Higher Power gives me the strength to live a happy, sober life.

END OF QUOTE

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My first experience with God was the God-man Messiah know as Jesus that I learned about from parents and sporadic visits to Church.  I walked the aisle in a Baptist church to the crying song of “Just As I Am” at seven years old, and was baptized all in order to avoid Hell.  I was water baptized again as a teen to be transformed, to spiritually die and be reborn into something God would accept.  I was baptized a third time as a young adult Airman serving in the US Air Force.  This had a bit of prophecy that went with it and a commitment from me to set my life aside to live as whatever minister God so desired.  All attempts to find the ministry failed.  There were indeed magical things that happened along the way, but I never really felt accepted.  Finally I pushed my way into ordination and served as a minister at a small church for a short time.  The chaos storm of 2003 was brewing and would culminate in my renunciation of the ordination and a complete loss of faith in my ability to connect with God.  I found more demons than deity in church.

Finally, I was barely hanging on to a life in which there simply was no god.  This was my spiritual bottom.  I was already there when I found alcohol.

I determined to make my own rules and I was going to use alcohol and anything else I could find to make it happen.  Then, like my churchian god, alcohol turned out to be an abusive deity.  In this state of angry despair, I found and was found by A.A.

In the recovery fellowship I found enough protective heresies to keep my spirituality from being hijacked by centralized religion.  I found enough friendship to build a basic trust in humanity and thus I could trust their personal evidence of something out there that cares.   It was the God of AA that I finally connected to in a very real way.  I like to call him Gomu (God of my understanding).  It frees the Higher Power concept from connotations of doctrinal hoops that stand between God and I.

The group connection was a flesh and blood embrace by something that cares and something that was powerful.  From that spiritual reboot, I have a faith based on intuitive knowing and a pragmatic morality that leads to spiritual freedom.  Here are the names I have called my Gomu;

The Godfather, He makes an offer I cannot refuse.  Alcohol was His Guido to beat me into a state of reasonableness.  I had some respect for the mafia lore, so this sorta worked for a bit.

The Great Whatever.  An intimate female borrowed this from the author Robert Fulghum, and I borrowed it from her.

John.  Simple and associated with a small gospel given to me when I was hospitalized from alcoholic melt-down.  I needed something simple.  I needed a friend.  I began to see that my Higher Power was not trying to trap me, but talk me in off the ledge.

Spirit-Lover.  When I began to see the third step prayer as something similar to a marriage covenant.  I desired something more intimate and binding.

GOMU (God of my understanding).  I developed this out of a sense of great gratitude to Ebby Thatcher for introducing Bill Wilson to the liberating and powerful concept of choosing a God of your own understanding.  It allows and encourages me to take responsibility for my own spiritual path.  Every time I use it now, it is with gratitude to my God.

There are many other names that cropped up along the way.  If I get too complicated in my approach, I strip it down to God or Gomu.

It all started when I began to trust AA with my spiritual development.

I found the wooden token design at the following site [ http://www.woodenurecover.com/Circle-and-Triangle-Welcome-Medallion_p_118708.html ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It is a design for living that works in rough going.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 15)

When I came to A.A., I realized that A.A. worked wonderfully to help keep me sober. But could it work on real life problems, not concerned with drinking? I had my doubts. After being sober for more than two years I got my answer. I lost my job, developed physical problems, my diabetic father lost a leg, and someone I loved left me for another — and all of this happened during a two-week period. Reality crashed in, yet A.A. was there to support, comfort, and strengthen me. The principles I had learned during my early days of sobriety became a mainstay of my life, for not only did I come through, but I never stopped being able to help newcomers. A.A. taught me not to be overwhelmed, but rather to accept and understand my life as it unfolded.

END OF QUOTE

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I have never really asked if the recovery program would help in non-alcohol related issues.  It seems like a legitimate question. I spend a lot of time in negative rumination trying to evade the paralyzing effects of depression.   It is my reaction to the day-to-day faucet dripping routine of life that I am learning to overcome right now.  I have used the program to try and keep my alcoholism out of the mix.

I experienced the post-marital apocalypse of 2003 prior to seeking and embracing the 12 step recovery program for my alcoholic enslavement.  So I have not had a major non-alcoholic related issue that I have applied the program to.  I suppose the time is coming  life doing what life does.

The contributor defines the success of his sobriety in dealing with the harsh blows of his life in the following ways;

He was able to receive help from A.A. in the form support, strength, and comfort.

(FELLOWSHIP PROVIDING SUPPORT NETWORK)

The principles he had learned in A.A. became a mainstay in his life, helping him not only to survive the tragic but to remain useful and able to help others.

(STEPWORK LEADING TO SPONSORSHIP AND SERVICE)

Ultimately A.A. taught him not to be overwhelmed but accept and understand his life as it unfolded.

(IMPROVED CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH HIGHER POWER LEADING TO SERENITY)

This is encouraging and a good measure for success in facing the chaos storms of life.  I hope to build my connection with the fellowship, Gomu (God of my understanding), and the principles of AA for the times of testing.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 122)

It is important for me to realize that, as an alcoholic, I not only hurt myself, but also those around me. Making amends to my family, and to the families of alcoholics still suffering, will always be important. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to repair the destruction, will be a lifelong endeavor. The example of my sobriety may give others hope, and faith to help themselves.

END OF QUOTE

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Quote from the Batman character in The Dark Knight;   “Because sometimes… the truth isn’t good enough.  Sometimes people deserve more.  Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

That quote has often resonated deeply for me.  That entire ending sends shivers down my spine.

Family should build and pass on myths.  Myths are not fairy tales.  They are useful stories constructed to point its members toward core values and encourage strength and growth.  Alcoholism takes a crap on family myths and thus causes trust, faith, and inspiration to evaporate in the storm of futility and disappointment.

An amends is not just about facing the truth and taking responsibility.  In families, it is about rewriting some powerful myths with our lives.  It is about rewarding the faith of those who still love us, or are willing to try.  A recovered alcoholic is a miraculous event.  It is a great living legacy to pass on to our family.

Quote from Hub McCann in Secondhand Lions;   “Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love, true love, never dies… No matter if they’re true or not, a man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 53)

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

END OF QUOTE

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“The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being… Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.” (Twelve Step and Twelve Traditions, page 53)

I remember coming into AA with an absolute hatred of the word “honesty.”  I tried to go through my Big Book and replace every occurrence with “truthfulness.”  It had been my experience in family and intimate relationships that when someone said to me that they just wanted me to be HONEST, it actually meant they wanted to gather enough evidence for an inevitable prosecution  and condemnation of my failures.  Every example of a partnership I had witnessed demanded a price I was no longer willing to pay.  Emasculation.  Acceptance that I would be wrong in every argument.  Embracing love would invite parasitic personalities and I would be bound by an unending parade of leaches.  A continuous invasion of privacy.  Defiance of these conditions meant absolute abandonment.  So I have ended up with a strong desire for intimate distance.

I have found something that works for me in a power dynamic relationship, but it is not for everyone.  Of brotherhood, I must look to the rooms of AA to practice the possibility of being one among many.

I found a decent article on this topic that suggested the following as components of a truly healthy partnership:

1.  Feeling safe to express yourself without judgment.

2.  Feeling heard.

3.  Being more concerned with truthfulness than with not hurting each other’s feelings.

4.  Respecting each other’s boundaries.

5.  Having an equal balance of power.

6.  Being an avenue for continued growth rather than a distraction from it.

I will include the article on this site as a page.  The original article can be found here;

[ http://www.bravenewkitty.com/2011/05/healthy-relationships-what-is-a-true-partnership/ ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . a spiritual life which does not include. . . family obligations may not be so perfect after all.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 129)

I can be doing great in the program — applying it at meetings, at work, and in service activities — and find that things have gone to pieces at home. I expect my loved ones to understand, but they cannot. I expect them to see and value my progress, but they don’t — unless I show them. Do I neglect their needs and desires for my attention and concern? When I’m around them, am I irritable or boring? Are my “amends” a mumbled “Sorry,” or do they take the form of patience and tolerance? Do I preach to them, trying to reform or “fix” them? Have I ever really cleaned house with them? “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83).

END OF QUOTE

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The quote from page 129 in the Big Book put into context is actually encouraging the family to be tolerate of the alcoholic’s lopsided focus on helping other alcoholics.   The authors suggest that the alcoholic’s spirituality will naturally balance as he matures with the family’s tolerate support.  They encourage the family to accept his spiritual intoxication because it will fend off his chemical one.  They say that it is more dangerous if he puts financial concerns ahead of the spiritual.

“For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 129)

“Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation then the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development.  He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 129 – 130)

I have heard it said that the family that has stayed with the alcoholic and endured the horrors of his disease will be sickened in their own right.  How could they not be?  So their expectations may be based on their role in hell, and they may be suspicious and uncomfortable with invitations to paradise.  They would do well to turn their attention to their own spiritual development in such programs as Al-Anon.

Alcoholics Anonymous gives me a new life and new family.  I must find my place and power within the AA family.  Once this is happening, all my other relationships have a better chance of sharing in the power of my sobriety rather than the curse of my alcoholism.

So I look at my relationship with my AA family and ask,  “Do I neglect their needs and desires for my attention and concern?”

If I can develop a spiritual life within the rooms of AA, it will echo on the outside in my family and work, as I seek to practice these principles in all my affairs.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people.  (As Bill Sees It, page 111)

Impatience with other people is one of my principal failings. Following a slow car in a no-passing lane, or waiting in a restaurant for the check, drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode, and that’s what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God’s point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me — bug-eyed and red of face — who had no time schedule to meet anyway. I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God’s angle of vision can be very relaxing.

END OF QUOTE

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In the rooms, the impatient and angry response to traffic is a common theme.  It could probably be another story of alcoholic insanity in the Big Book, like the jay-walker.  The speed of driving and the risk of collision rob us of the ability to pause and think.  My exaggerated instincts pump up the fear which is quickly transformed into anger.  The insanity is that I trust my road rage instincts to rocket me into the forced dimension of power.  Unless I am retrained to respond differently, I will faced life like a cornered animal.

The contributor changed his perspective by seeing himself levitate to gain God’s view of  his rushed surroundings.  I have used a personal mantra, “This is not a race; we are all in this together,” to find serenity at seventy mile per hour.   These things work in the intense environment of negotiating the traffic of metal encased egos, because I have spent time alone with Gomu (God of my understanding) and rehearsed the troubled areas of my life.  I am learning to take advantage of the gift of quiet solitude to develop a more useful perspective on the living of my life in a civilized jungle.