Endigar 453 ~ “A.A. Regeneration”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.   (A.A. Comes of Age, page 46)

A thousand beatings by John Barleycorn did not encourage me to admit defeat. I believed it was my moral obligation to conquer my “enemy-friend.” At my first A.A. meeting I was blessed with a feeling that it was all right to admit defeat to a disease which had nothing to do with my “moral fiber.” I knew instinctively that I was in the presence of a great love when I entered the doors of A.A. With no effort on my part, I became aware that to love myself was good and right, as God had intended. My feelings set me free, where my thoughts had held me in bondage. I am grateful.

END OF QUOTE

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I can not even begin to describe the sense of futility and the ever present misery of my life when I sought to be free from sin.  This reality existed before my alcoholism was ignited.  It was in this dehumanizing pursuit of purity that my separation from society was enhanced.  I worked to protect myself from the corruption within and without.  I isolated myself to appease a God that seemed to remain aloof.

That was one of my old self-destructive ways that I had to let go of if I was going to survive.

I was given, instead, the realization that my alcoholism is a disease.  After a certain point in the disease’s development, my brain will not override the primal tap of that alcoholic sensation.  My will and intent are eroded and finally collapse in on my infected mind.

Sin justifies death.  Disease embraces a cure.  That is the simple formula for me.  This new paradigm allows me to look into healing mirrors rather than prison reflections to evaluate the worth of my life.  I needed help, not divine jurisprudence.  My fellow humans are not contaminants; they are life saving connections.

My old step program:

1.  I admitted that I am powerless over sin – my life has become pathetically worthless.

2. Came to believe that a pure and holy God could transform me to his perfection.

3. Made a decision to enact self-death rituals to be mystically possessed and replaced by the spirit of His martyred Son.

4.  Rinse and repeat until perfectly holy.

I am no longer stuck in that infinite loop because of the saving heresy of the disease concept.  I am grateful to the God of my understanding and to the 12 step program of AA.  That God desires an intimate connection with me as we walk out progress and discard perfection.

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