Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of February 12;

For me, detachment is relatively easy with casual friends, where I’m not very emotionally involved. I’ve noticed that when I am detached, I can listen to other people being critical or grumpy without being affected. But if members of my family act the same way, I often take on tier negative frame of mind. My own behavior shows me that I have a choice about my response to other people’s moods and attitudes.

What I have learned by comparing these two situations is that detachment involves paying attention to my own mood before I have a chance to take on someone else’s. Then I can simply see and hear negativity or anger, without becoming negative or angry. I don’t have to have a bad day just because someone I love is struggling. This knowledge allows me to let everyone, including myself, feel whatever they feel without interference.

Today’s Reminder

If I pause for a moment before focusing on someone else’s mood, I may find out that I have feelings of my own that deserve attention. I will look for those moments to check in with myself today.

“Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.” ~Detachment

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I have only had to practice this detachment on a small scale. My “qualifiers” for the Al-Anon program have either passed away or they are working their own recovery program. I think what I have a problem with is the implied attachment that detachment is supposed to facilitate. I am supposed to find me and keep me from disappearing into various forms of personal neglect for the sake of others. My integrity, emotions, or aspirations should not fade away in a bid to control what cannot be controlled – someone else’s diseased thinking and actions. So even though I may not need to practice the difficult detachment from a loved one who is still in active addiction, I continue to find myself lapsing into personal neglect and withdrawal. Healthy detachment is only possible for me when I care about my own spiritual, emotional and physical well-being and I am willing to put out the effort in day to day living to demonstrate that positive self interest.

From Courage to Change of February 11;

Tradition Five helps me to set three goals: to work the Steps for myself; to have compassion for the alcoholics; and to have compassion for those who come to Al-Anon. What strikes me is the amount of love to be found in these three goals. First, I love myself enough to try to heal and grow by working the Twelve Steps. Next, I call upon this strength to love those people I once thought were my enemies, recognizing that they too were struggling to cope with this terrible disease. Finally, I draw upon these experiences and extend love on those who are following a similar journey — the families and friends of alcoholics.

I know that I was pulled from despair by the love of strangers who quickly became friends. Now I have enough love and wholeness within myself to share it with others who suffer from the effects of alcoholism.

Today’s Reminder

I need love before I even know what it was. Now that I understand something about it, I need it even more. By loving myself, I not only take care of my own needs, but I lay a foundation for loving others. By loving others, I learn to treat myself well.

“Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort of families of alcoholics.” ~ Tradition Five

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I have heard many things about love over the course of my years. I will quote the random assertions in my brain without citing to facilitate exploration. “God is love.” “Love is not a feeling, it is an act of your will.” “What’s love got to do with it? What’s love but a second-hand emotion?” “I want to know what love is; I want you to show me.” “Love suffers all things – the greatest of these is love.” “Love is connection to yourself and others.” “Love is a chemical reaction.” “Love is a battlefield.” “Love toward God is the greatest commandment, the second greatest is to love your neighbor – if you do not love your brother but say you love God, you are a liar.” “Love conquers all.” “Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and mars any heart not tough nor strong enough to take a lot of pain .” “I feel like making love.”

For me, love always involves some assertion of my personal will for the benefit of myself and others. Love is also a realization that care for myself and others is so intimately intertwined that it is, pragmatically speaking, the same thing. Yet there is a mysterious element to love the transcends human speech and yet demands the attempt. Love is a risky journey but the greatest blessings in my life have come from the boldness to go where no Me has gone before in pursuit of love’s fulfillment. Tradition Five is one way to fuel that journey in my life. I am rewarded for overcoming my fears and investing in myself and others.

From Courage to Change of February 10;

One of the effects of alcoholism is that many of us have denied or devalued our talents, feelings, achievements, and desires. In Al-Anon we learn to know, appreciate, and express our true selves. Creativity is a powerful way to celebrate who we are. It is spiritual energy that nourishes our vitality. It is a way to replace negative thinking with positive action.

Every one of us is brimming with imagination, but it often takes practice to find it and put it to use. Yet anything we do in a new way can be creative — building a bookcase, trying a new seasoning on a vegetable, taking a new approach to handling finances, finger painting, problem-solving, tapping out a rhythm on a tabletop. Creative energy is within us and all around us, whether we are writing a masterpiece or folding the laundry.

Every original act asserts our commitment to living. Our program encourages us to acknowledge our achievements and to live each day fully. When we create, we plant ourselves firmly in the moment and teach ourselves that what we do matters.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will make use of the precious gift of imagination. Thus I will turn away from negativity, self-doubt, and fear, and celebrate life instead.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree that there is release to be gained in creative expression. That is one of the major reasons I started writing this blog. Yet, I do not think it is because it helps me turn away from the more negative emotions. I believe it to be another tool I use to process these emotions without getting lost in morbid self-reflection. My life in recovery is not about positive thinking but healthy processing of the entire spectrum of my emotions.

I painted this during a time when I was having great difficulty processing the pain of my post-marital apocalypse. It captures both the destructive and surprising force of the dismantling of our home, as well as my own unjustified exile. I felt that I was betrayed and experienced a family man’s form of rape; to become a disposable, visiting father. Although the wound is still there, I process it differently in recovery. The event hurt every member of my family and we all processed it uniquely. Although my former wife and I are not as close, I count here as a friend. My children are young adults now and I am proud of them. I would much rather live in a world of love and forgiveness than to be chained in an eternal state of fearful vigilance.  My life in recovery is about processing difficult emotions and to chose to celebrate life one day at a time. I do not shut the door on my past but hopefully turn it into something useful and ultimately beautiful.

From Courage to Change of February 09;

There was nothing simple about my life before I came to Al-Anon. My work was highly stressful, my time was always short, and my attention was intensely focused on the alcoholic, but I didn’t realize I was under a strain. During the early days in Al-Anon, I shifted my intense focus to the program. As my denial broke, I became aware that I was exhausted all the time. The topic at an Al-Anon meeting, “Keep it Simple,” was just what I needed to hear!

I decided that the top priority for my unmanageable life was to recover from the effects of alcoholism. I had responsibilities and couldn’t eliminate all the stress from my life, but I tried to simplify it wherever possible. In my case, this meant letting go of some social activities temporarily switching to a lower paying but less stressful job, and leaving some household chores undone. It wasn’t a permanent change, just a way to give myself the time I needed for my emotional and spiritual health.

It was such a relief! By the time I returned to my normal schedule, I had a better grasp on keeping I simple, so I was able to handle it more serenely.

Today’s Reminder

If I am overwhelmed, I may be trying to do too much. Today I will try to keep it simple.

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” ~ Hans Hofmann

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“The Gate” by Hans Hofmann

Hofmann believed that abstract art was a way to get at the “important reality.” I remember reading about the important versus urgent demands of life in Steve Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It is known as the Eisenhower Decision Principal in time management. Tasks are prioritized into quadrants based on important/not important and urgent/not urgent. I have in my memory the phrase “do not let the urgent eat up the important.” I would attribute it to Covey, but I cannot confirm its origin. The urgent will override the important when we live responsively rather than proactively. Identifying the truly important tasks in my life can only be accomplished when I know myself and, as William Shakespeare said through his character Polonius in the play Hamlet, “To thy own self be true.” Either my connection with my Higher Power is the artistic genius of my life or I become a wall covered in the graffiti of anxious futility.

From Courage to Change of February 08;

I like people, and at one time I wanted everyone to be my friend. With the best of intentions, I tried to encourage friendships with certain individuals, although my attempts were repeatedly, discreetly rebuffed.

I was comforted by the words I heard at the close of each Al-Anon meeting: “. . . though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way — the same way we already love you.” It was an important lesson that, while I can’t have everyone’s friendship, I can offer and receive respect, support, and understanding. Patience and humility soothed my wounded pride.

Today’s Reminder

It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation, I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can’t change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another’s response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~ Oscar Wilde

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I remember when I was quite the small one sitting in a church. I sat painfully still and heard a preacher say that human beings are naturally selfish at the expense of others. That was part of our fallen nature. He mocked the self-help movements of the time that sought to restore hearts by teaching them to love themselves. For the religion locked in my memory this was heading in the wrong direction. Selfless service and piety forged from self-castigation was the tried, proven path of the holy ones. Religion was always good to point out the primary three enemies of the soul: the Flesh, the World, and Satan. My friends in the fight of faith were identified as the opposing trinity of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It was a simple time of learned irrelevance.

I find a lot of useful truth in the fissures between the warring factions of humanity.

1. Communication is a fragile thing. English has bundle words (single words stuffed full of potential meaning, sometimes conflicting ideas) that make it difficult to discuss the abstractions of spiritual ideas in my native tongue.
2. Paradox, analogy and specific examples help dismantle the misleading simplicity of bundle words.
3. Self and selfish are bundle words.

There is a beneficial, necessary Selfishness and there is a destructive, isolating selfishness and it is this latter form that is spoken of on page 62 of the Big Book when it says, “…we must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!” It does not say we must be rid of selfishness. It says we must be rid of THIS selfishness. What kind of selfishness? The kind that was dismantled from the English bundle with specific analogies on the previous pages. The isolating, manipulative, controlling selfishness that is the manifestation of a lifetime of fear. This will kill me.

In Al-Anon, there is a shifted focus to the good kind of Selfishness. It was present in my AA program as well, causing me to seek and accept help because I wanted to live. It kept me coming back in spite of my wounded pride. I wanted to be free to love again. For me. For the higher version of Me. My counselor says this is better termed as self-care, but in these rooms of recovery it is an aggressive form of self-care. Self-care dances through the tulips. My form of self-care wears leather and armor and tramples pretty for powerful. It has the bite of selfishness but in the direction of raging life and aggressive love. It is the Selfishness of the program that I need to walk through the door and stay until I see the transformative magic of the rooms. For me, this is indeed a Selfish program and it is not a selfish program.

If I do not love Me until I get the validation of others, my attempts at friendship will become manipulative and boomerang against Me. I will not only expect but need everyone to like me. I want everyone’s permission to love my life. It then becomes inevitable that I will fall into the trap of unrealistic expectations. My relationship with GOMU (God of my understanding) and my relationship with myself are intimately intertwined. The development in one requires the development in the other.

This is the way it is for me. I hope something shared here is useful for those who read.

From Courage to Change of February 07;

Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself. I don’t expect to dramatically alter my life. My goal is simply to move in a positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps.

Perhaps I will ask someone to become my Sponsor, reach out to a newcomer, or try a different Al-Anon meeting. I might get some exercise, make an appointment for a check-up, listen to music, or clean a closet. I could write a letter to a friend I’ve neglected or spend some time alone enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet. Perhaps I’ll do something I’m afraid to do, just for the exercise. I might pick up groceries for a sick friend, fix a wobbling table, read a book to stimulate my mind. Maybe I’ll meditate on one of the Twelve Steps or share my experience, strength, and hope with someone who wants to hear it.

Today’s Reminder

There are so many ways in which I can improve the quality of my life. Instead of fretting about what I can’t do, I’ll take action to create something positive in my life today.

“To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life.” ~ Samuel Johnson

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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” ~ Lao Tzu
( “but you must keep stepping” ~ Brian W.)

I believe that before I can surrender to the small things, I must have a directed and focused vision for what I would like to see changed in my life. With the moral inventory of the 12 Steps I date myself and truly get to know who I am. The daily inventory of the 10th Step is the small habit based on the in depth and fearlessly honest appraisal of the 4th Step.  Doing small things to help me feel better about myself may be rituals to reinforce personal delusions if I do not truly know myself. Part of my Al-Anon related sickness is that I lose me trying to control and prevent the self-destructive behaviors of others. It is important not to lose myself to whatever version of this disease assails me.

I have graduated. I now have a Masters in Education. I have broadened my network. I have been clean and sober for several years and I have seen my precious daughter working a strong program.  The VA has helped me set up regular counseling sessions for some deeper issues. I retired from the military in 2014. I care for my elderly father who is suffering some diminished health issues, recovering from pneumonia. I am looking forward to cleaning up my surroundings and getting back to this blog. I want to be useful, fruitful, and to rage against the dying of the light.

From Courage to Change of February 06;

By the time I reached Al-Anon I was desperate to do something about my relationship with an alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to “throw the bum out,” so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al-Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited.

At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: “Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come.” That wasn’t the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a “solution” and walked out.

I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had  I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn’t convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.

Today’s Reminder

When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, I probably won’t get the results I seek. As the saying goes, “When in doubt, don’t.”

“Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers.”    As We Understood…

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I do not like the waiting. Death does not wait. Life is too short. My immortal Higher Power does not know what it is like to battle for significance and relevance while floating on a speck in the dark, unforgiving infinity of the universe . I do not want to be cut off and alone. I want to be connected and yet, in control. I am afraid of anything less than that.

And  that is why I must wait. No matter what decision I make, I am still me. The hurting, fearful, disconnected me looking to hide and not hurt. In this program of spiritual development and recovery, waiting is not tolerating the intolerable. It is developing spiritual connection with a loving God I can trust. And then learning to exercise that trust. Any decision I make without this transformation is a panic stricken leap of faithlessness.

In the end, it is my own refusal to surrender to the process that causes me to absolutely need to slow down and go into the waiting place.

From Courage to Change of February 05;

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears,” says the Zen Buddhists. Or, as an Al-Anon speaker put it, “We each get here right on time.” To me, this is an important reason to have a public relations policy based on attraction rather than promotion, as the Eleventh Tradition suggests.

My own arrival in Al-Anon was right on schedule. I first heard about the program when I was a teenager; I attended my first meeting twenty years later. I don’t regret that lapse of time because I don’t think I would have been ready to come to Al-Anon any sooner — I spent those twenty years resenting any implication from well-meaning family members that I had been affected by alcoholism. Only after many years of living with the effects of the disease did I really become ready to get help. No amount of nagging would have hurried me along any faster.

Today’s Reminder

There is no magic wand that can make others ready for Al-Anon. And it is presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do. Let me help those who want help. When my life improves as a result of working the program myself, I do more to carry the message than I ever could be forcing it on others.

“Let me not dilute the effectiveness of the help I can give by letting it take the form of giving advice. I know I will never have enough insight into another’s life to tell that person what is best to do.” – The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

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The wind blows and we know neither where it comes from nor where it is destined to arrive. It is the same for all those who practice a life surrendering to the flow of the guiding Spirit. There is neither rushing nor hindering the timing of my Gomu by the thrashing of fearful impatience. I breathe, exhaling purposeful activity and inhaling the invisible flow of a loving God.

Living in the World of the Spirit has taken much practice. The demand of relationships has given me my greatest opportunity to live in fear or faith and in the process I gather evidence for which is most effective. My goal is to breathe, surrender, and move in tandem with the irresistible Spirit of Liberty I have been introduced to in this program.

From Courage to Change of February 04;

Sometimes when I’m unhappy with my situation, I feel that God is punishing me. Once again I’ve lost my image of a loving God and need to recover it.

It helps to call my Sponsor, who reminds me that God is not a terrorist. I read Al-Anon literature and go to extra meetings. Mostly I walk beside the river and talk with God about how afraid I am. I watch the water and thank God for the good things in my life: Al-Anon recovery, the gift of the Twelve Steps, creativity and the joy I have in expressing it, my loving Al-Anon family. After I’ve talked it through, I sit and wait until I feel God’s healing touch reassuring me, drying my tears.

The funny thing is that, after I’m through those hard times, I never truly remember the pain. What I remember is the sunshine on the water, the peace of the moment, the love of my Higher Power wrapping around me as tangibly as the sunshine. The pain is gone, but the increased trust in my Higher Power remains.

Today’s Reminder

When faced with difficult or painful situations, I can remember that a loving God is always there for me, always available as a source of comfort, guidance, and peace.

“No one is alone if they’ve come to believe in a Power greater than themselves.” — Sponsorship – What It’s All About

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What is God, really? So invisible and so all pervasive; seducing us to search, to grapple, to hunger for more. God is the ultimate “not enough” of my life. For one so afflicted with addiction within and without, I image that is a statement of worship. Gomu, I want more, always more. It sometimes feels like my spiritual neediness drives the Infinite One away to get some I AM time.

Where are you? An Entity cloaked in plausible deniability. Our relationship is vulnerable to the vultures of lazy skepticism in my mind. How is that possible? I want to know and be known and You are the only one who can answer that need in its most absolute terms. Is it any wonder that the greatest hope in human intimacy is to discover You hiding in glistening eyes, excited to be found out, and disappointed when we struggling mortals are only ourselves?

If I surrender, will I have You? Every moment your presence has flashed or fluttered into my speculative interaction, I value. I remember and cling. I do not really know how to love you. The closest thing I can render is hunger and manipulation. For you see, I am human. Teach me to be the something more I desire from you. Something beyond the flesh that you are able to embrace.

Make U/us real.