Endigar 768

From Courage to Change of February 06;

By the time I reached Al-Anon I was desperate to do something about my relationship with an alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to “throw the bum out,” so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al-Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited.

At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: “Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come.” That wasn’t the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a “solution” and walked out.

I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had  I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn’t convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.

Today’s Reminder

When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, I probably won’t get the results I seek. As the saying goes, “When in doubt, don’t.”

“Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers.”    As We Understood…

END OF QUOTE—————————————-

I do not like the waiting. Death does not wait. Life is too short. My immortal Higher Power does not know what it is like to battle for significance and relevance while floating on a speck in the dark, unforgiving infinity of the universe . I do not want to be cut off and alone. I want to be connected and yet, in control. I am afraid of anything less than that.

And  that is why I must wait. No matter what decision I make, I am still me. The hurting, fearful, disconnected me looking to hide and not hurt. In this program of spiritual development and recovery, waiting is not tolerating the intolerable. It is developing spiritual connection with a loving God I can trust. And then learning to exercise that trust. Any decision I make without this transformation is a panic stricken leap of faithlessness.

In the end, it is my own refusal to surrender to the process that causes me to absolutely need to slow down and go into the waiting place.


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