Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of March 23;

Alcoholism has contributed to many dashed hopes, broken dreams, and considerable pain in my life. I do not wish to dwell on these feelings, but neither do I wish to turn my back on them. Al-Anon is helping me to face even the most unpleasant aspects of my past. By taking hold of the hands of those in the fellowship, I am able to feel the pain and mourn the losses, and to move on.

These feelings are a deep part of me; when they come knocking at the door of my awareness, I wish to open it and let them in. I need to treat myself with the same care and respect that I would an Al-Anon member sharing pain, confusion, and turmoil at a meeting. Only in this way can I become whole and at peace.

Today’s Reminder

They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind me.

“… when we long for life without…difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” ~ Peter Marshall

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt-o-meter is broken. My early childhood and adult trainee adolescence were filled with unreal and shifting expectations. I was a family god soaked in the steady acid drip of an overprotective distrust of “outsiders.” Only my family had it right. Only my family knew how to love one another. I felt guilty when I stepped outside of this unrealistic icon forged in family dysfunction. I knew, absolutely knew, that if my family or anyone got close enough they would discover how pathetic and worthless I was. My family champion mantle protected me from discovery. I feared the exile. The protection I received made plain to me how incapable I was of handling life on my  own. In this way I was cut off from myself and others.

Over time I am attempting to reset my guilt-o-meter to a balance of liberty and responsibility and to abandon martyrdom for the weeping mad goddess of my formative years. It is not natural for me to remain balanced in this fashion. A major part of this depth of recovery is to process some very difficult emotions that have phantom sources. A séance pursuit of childhood ghosts takes time and patience. I had to overcome my distrust of non-family sources to get help from others who were invested in the recovery of my true Self. I attend the meetings and surrender to this program of restored volition. I did not create this delusion on my own. I strongly suspect that I will not undo its damning effects in solitary confinement.

Click on the eBook Icon

I would be honored if you would read and review my eBook on Amazon Thank-you

From Courage to Change of March 22;

In order to survive in the contradictory and explosive world of alcoholism, many of us learned to ignore our feelings. We lost touch with ourselves without even knowing it.

For example, although I pointed an accusing finger at the alcoholics in my life for deserting me in times of need, I wasn’t a very good friend to myself. In my fear and confusion, I walked away from the little child in me who lived simply, who cried when the cat died and then let it go, who could appreciate a sunset and not want to own it, and who lived one day at a time.

Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again. The lessons I’m learning in Al-Anon are lessons I already know. I just need to remember.

Today’s Reminder

There is an innocence within me that already knows how to trust my Higher Power, to cherish life while holding it lightly, to live fully and simply in the present moment. I will allow that part of myself to come forward and nourish me as I continue on this journey.

“It takes one a long time to become young.” ~ Pablo Picasso

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Reclaiming the inner child and reparenting it can be a confusing prospect. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, thought like a child, reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things…let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (scriptural splice of 1 Corinthians 13:11 and Matthew 19:14 respectively). I cannot remember ever living simply. I have no reference point. My imagination has always been active but that energy has simmered on the back burners of life’s urgencies. I think I am okay today. I am clean and sober, but that inner child feels like something off the Omen. I keep it locked away most times. I suppose this is an area I am still working through.

From Courage to Change of March 21;

A jogger was nearing the end of a run. Sand dunes on the left blocked his view of the beach beyond. Crossing the dunes would require extra effort after a long, tiring workout. Instead, he could opt to remain on the flat road that veered off to the right. Although the scenery was less appealing, the easier route was enticing. Past experience had taught him to avoid pushing himself too hard. Yet he loved the sight of the ocean.

The jogger hesitated. An inner nudge urged him toward the dunes, and he chose to respond to it. As the beach appeared, a spectacular sunset hovered above the crashing waves. Humility overwhelmed the runner when he realized that in hi s moment of hesitation, he had listened to a Power greater than himself, one who could see around blind corners.

Today’s Reminder

Logic may dictate a certain course of action while my inner voice urges me in a different direction. I may have an easier time when I follow the dictates of logic, convenience, or past experience, but am I cheating myself out of something much better? Today I will pause at a crossroad and listen for my Higher Power’s voice.

“The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.” ~ Albert Einstein

END OF QUOTE—————————————

What happens when the jogger realizes his routine discipline has him on a journey to encounter a Power greater than himself?

I have found that what I am focused on has an effect on the kind of intuitive voice I hear. Fear can speak to me as well, when I am looking for the next shoe to drop, the inevitable catastrophe, hidden and hungry. If I follow the intuitive voice while mesmerized by dread, I sabotage my life with distrust. I suppose that is why a review of my fears is an important part of my moral inventory. The intuitive voice of fear is more easily identified and ignored.

On the other hand, when my mind is focused on the Mystery of Possibility in life, the intuitive encourages the exploration. There is a scripture in Proverbs chapter 25 that says something along the lines that it is the glory of God to conceal a thing, make a mystery, and it is the glory of kings to search it out.

Notice Me, Follow the trail I leave.

There it is, and shall always be

That place built for just you and Me.

SCZDNVSAMUHFRHPLZIC

From Courage to Change of March 20;

One of the topics in our Fourth Step guide, the Blueprint for Progress, is self-worth. As I worked through this Step, taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, I found that I have always judged my value on the basis of my accomplishments, or on what other people said about me. This meant I had to work all the time, or constantly make myself the center of attention. At best my sense of satisfaction was fleeting.

With Step Four, I realized that part of my self-worth, can be based on my ability to love other people. Saying a kind word, writing a considerate note, or just taking time out from my other thoughts to appreciate another human being, enriches my entire day. I have the power to feel good about myself, regardless of my achievements, whether or not other people validate my worthiness.

Today’s Reminder

Let me look for appropriate opportunities to share my love with people around me. In this way I celebrate one of my most positive traits without expecting anything in return. Paying someone a compliment that comes from the heart, or thanking them sincerely for their kindness, may be the nicest thing I can do for myself today.

“It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Meat hooks; That is what I call the practical fulfillment of some lofty spiritual notion. A statement such as “I must learn to love other people as a way of gaining self-esteem” sounds like someone on a higher path of living. Yet, without meat hooks of pragmatic expression it is a whisper under water. The 12 Step program has a very practical moral development. Do you want to live? Would you like to thrive? My thoughts need to be actions that bring transformation. “I must find a way to serve others like developing the habit of a kind word, relaying my own experience of recovery when sought, expressing gratitude” is the same statement as “I must learn to love other people,” but with meat hooks. Then those exalted ideas are brought down to earth where I can feed my self-esteem with estimable actions.

From Courage to Change of March 19;

I came to Al-Anon with a compulsion to focus on other people. I had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct. When I realized that my own life was being neglected because all my attention was elsewhere, I had to make some major changes.

Today, I will have to be vigilant about minding my own business. I know that when my thoughts begin with “He should” or “She shouldn’t” I am probably in trouble. I don’t have the answers for other people. I don’t make the rules for appropriate behavior, good business conduct, driver courtesy, or common sense. I don’t know what is best for others because I don’t know the lessons their Higher Power is offering them, I only know that if I’m caught up in what they should or should not do, I have lost my humility. I have also ceased to pay attention to myself. Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life.

Today’s Reminder

I grow in my ability to relate to others when I allow them to be exactly as they are. The greatest gift I can give to myself is my own attention.

“Clean your finger before you point at my spots.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Because of my co-dependent indoctrination in my family of origin, my religious experiences were perverted into an “us and them” mentality. My family was haunted by guilt-laden trip wires and justified abdication of seeking professional help when it was needed. I attempted to create a family government when I was a teenager based on the US Constitution, to get my father to sit at the head of the table and he would not, to regulate TV watching which caused my mother to strike out at my intrusion into her parenting, and so on. When I used religion to distance from my uncontrollable family issues, I found more interpersonal dynamics that needed controlling if I was going to feel safe. I labeled other humans as either a threat or an exploitable asset. I can look back and see that now. I could not have seen it then. I was too busy drowning in the currents of my unrealistic social expectations.

I suppose it took the marital rape of having my children kidnapped by a wife with untreated PTSD to find my own powerlessness. She was sick and I manipulated a semblance of health while using the devil as a scapegoat for marital issues that we should have addressed professionally. I had a creative way of abdicating responsibility to seek help. I hurt. She hurt. It went nova and the family suffered.

That is my mess. So what is the message? As they say in recovery, “focus on the message and not the mess.”

I, the individual me, needs my attention. And the Universe, this matrix built to foster free will, may send a chaos storm my way when I have thoroughly enslaved myself to internal misery. I can make that chaos storm unnecessary through fearless moral inventories, involvement with others who support the manifestation of the Self over the self, and a recognition that there is something, someone out there that cares about me and my mortal fellows. When I find moments of sanity in the rooms and recognize the need for professional help, I will not abdicate that responsibility.  I naturally give to others what I am able to give to myself. If I am not helpful to me, I can only offer manipulation to others. When I make myself a priority, I naturally value others. That is the message I needed to hear. If it is helpful to you, don’t waste too much time in fear. Make the chaos storms unnecessary.

From Courage to Change of March 18;

Our Eighth Tradition suggest that our Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional. This means that as Al-Anon members, our own experience, strength and hope is all we need to help one another recover from the devastating impact of alcoholism. If our program were run by professionals, I would not have been free to carry the Al-Anon message to so many others.

This Tradition encourages me to help those who really want help. I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to help those who didn’t want it, that the opportunity to make a welcome contribution to someone else’s wellbeing is precious to me. Today, because of my experience with alcoholism, I am better able to understand and empathize with other people. I’m grateful that something positive has come from the more difficult times in my life.

I am learning to give and receive without guilt. I need not feel a debt to those members who have helped me, except to pass along to others what has served me so well. And as I give, I receive.

Today’s Reminder

I find that sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others, as an equal, is one of Al-Anon’s greatest gifts.

“The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.” ~ Albert Schweizer

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I find myself stuck when I consider service to others in the programs of AA and Al-Anon. I am not stuck in an intellectual mire but in a pounding-heart paralysis that comes from being qualified to help. My degree is from the school of getting knocked down seven times and getting back up eight. I have lived out the consequences of a grandfather who died from alcoholism and a mother whose trust issues would never allow her to seek help in recovering from that trauma. Untreated alcohol corruption in her heart spread to all of her children. Then I triggered the dormant alcoholic disease within me after my own trauma from marital betrayal. I survived a relapse rodeo and rebuilt my life through the power of this program. So why am I not overflowing with enough gratitude to give back what has truly saved my life?

I fear being qualified to help will lock me into a pathological responsibility of martyrdom.

Here are some of the ideas in recovery that give me hope of being useful without suffering the futility of co-dependent crucifixion:

1.  I am not the God of whoever I help. Their help will come from their Higher Power. Results belong to deity; work belongs to mortals.
2.  This program is for those who both need and desire it. Those who need it but deny that reality gain no benefit in the outstretched hand of the Twelve Step program. They will suck the opportunity of my attention away from those who desire recovery and I am thus justified in developing filters to let go of those who have not embraced the powerlessness and unmanageability of their lives. The filters or boundaries I build protect my recovery and help me remain available to those who are ready to do whatever it takes to live again.
3.  For someone caught in the consequences of addiction, a window of months or even days is a divine seed of hope. If I help someone let go of their pathology long enough to step out of the matrix and see the insanity of what has become normal for them, that is a gift. If they go back out or return to their co-dependent pathology they will not be able to unknow that flash of truth. The consequences they accrue coupled with that memory may bring them back to try again. My expectation should not be locked into helping someone gain a life of recovery with no setbacks. That is an egocentric fantasy common for those of us who struggle with co-dependence.
4. The goal of helping others is to help myself. This is the positive selfishness of the 12 Step program and is not to be confused with the selfishness that isolates me from help. On page 62 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous it states, “Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.” Notice that it does not say we must be rid of all selfishness, but of THIS selfishness. We must be rid of the kind of selfishness described in the preceding pages that involve domination, manipulation, and unrealistic expectations of control. This is the isolating selfishness that active addicts and their negative supporters must relinquish. The positive selfishness of wanting to survive and thrive is what got me to walk into the rooms and to keep coming back. It is what will motivate me to give away what I have gained. It is the surest way of retaining my sobriety.
5.  Learning, growing, and transformation are uncomfortable processes. Stagnation feels comfortable. Happiness is an eruption of invited change. Serenity is not emulating a corpse. It is the trust that develops in the process, the people, and the Higher Power as a result of doing something that is tested in the fires of service.

I suspect that this will be enough to get me started. I hope that these thoughts might be helpful to you, as well.

From Courage to Change of March 17;

No problem lasts forever. No matter how permanently fixed in the center of our lives it may seem, whatever we experience in this ever-changing life is sure to pass. Even pain.

Difficult situations often bring out qualities in us that otherwise might not have risen to the surface, such as courage, faith, and our need for one another. All of our experiences can help us to grow.

But we may need patience. Some wounds cannot be healed quickly. They must be given time. In the meantime, we can appreciate the new capabilities we are developing, such as the capacity to mourn and the willingness to accept. Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage.

Today’s Reminder

Remembering that this too shall pass can make it easier to get through a difficult day. I will be very gentle with myself during this time. Some extra loving care and attention to myself can make everything a little easier.

“. . . I am equal to what life presents.’ when I use the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the slogans, literature, sponsorship, conventions, and most importantly, meetings.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Even This Shall Pass Away

Once in Persia reigned a king,
Who upon his signet ring
Graved a maxim true and wise,
Which, if held before his eyes,
Gave him counsel at a glance
Fit for every change and chance.
Solemn words, and these are they;
“Even this shall pass away.”

Trains of camels through the sand
Brought him gems from Samarcand;
Fleets of galleys through the seas
Brought him pearls to match with these;
But he counted not his gain
Treasures of the mine or main;
“What is wealth?” the king would say;
“Even this shall pass away.”

‘Mid the revels of his court,
At the zenith of his sport,
When the palms of all his guests
Burned with clapping at his jests,
He, amid his figs and wine,
Cried, “O loving friends of mine;
Pleasures come, but do not stay;
‘Even this shall pass away.’”

Lady, fairest ever seen,
Was the bride he crowned the queen.
Pillowed on his marriage bed,
Softly to his soul he said:
“Though no bridegroom ever pressed
Fairer bosom to his breast,
Mortal flesh must come to clay –
Even this shall pass away.”

Fighting on a furious field,
Once a javelin pierced his shield;
Soldiers, with a loud lament,
Bore him bleeding to his tent.
Groaning from his tortured side,
“Pain is hard to bear,” he cried;
“But with patience, day by day,
Even this shall pass away.”

Towering in the public square,
Twenty cubits in the air,
Rose his statue, carved in stone.
Then the king, disguised, unknown,
Stood before his sculptured name,
Musing meekly: “What is fame?
Fame is but a slow decay;
Even this shall pass away.”

Struck with palsy, sore and old,
Waiting at the Gates of Gold,
Said he with his dying breath,
“Life is done, but what is Death?”
Then, in answer to the king,
Fell a sunbeam on his ring,
Showing by a heavenly ray,
“Even this shall pass away.”

–Theodore Tilton

The man on the left is a photo of Theodore Tilton and the man on the right is Judah Benjamin. Mr. Tilton was an abolitionist who was betrayed by his wife and the man he was assisting, Henry Ward Beecher. When his suit against Mr. Beecher for adultery failed, he left for Paris. Mr. Benjamin was a slaving-owning Confederate official who was also the first Jew to be elected to the US Senate. He fled to the UK and became a successful lawyer after the Civil War. Tilton and Benjamin played chess until Benjamin died in 1884.

The man in the center is my late Father in his younger days, who would often quote the maxim from Tilton’s poem. “But with patience, day by day, even this shall pass away.” He died on the 8^th of August, 2017, after living with me for the last decade of his life. We both outlived our marriages, he through death and me through divorce. He taught me to play chess when I was a child. One thing I remembered from my study of the game was that as you suffer loss, you can gain an advantageous position. It required the patience to look at the entire board before moving. I remember him saying, “are you sure you want to make that move?” The development of my mind and the strength of my heart is an echo of my Father’s perseverance in the face of very difficult times. I miss him.

His love and support helped provide a protective umbrella as I struggled forward with recovery, the completion of my degree, and retirement from the military. The Twelve Steps and Traditions put me back in the game of life on life’s terms and introduced me to a Higher Power that had my Father’s voice asking me to look at the whole board and to accept the changes that come my way.

From Courage to Change of March 16;

Progress can be hard to recognize, especially if our expectations are unrealistically high. If we expect our negative attitudes or unhealthy behavior to change quickly and completely, we are likely to be disappointed — progress is hard to see when we measure ourselves against idealized standards. Perhaps it would be better to compare our present circumstances only to where we had been in the past.

For example, a Fourth Step inventory led me to realize that I hold grudges and that they hurt me. I try to let go of resentments and I despair when these attitudes persist. Fortunately, Al-Anon has taught me to focus on progress, not perfection. Although sometimes I still hold on to resentments, I know I’m making progress because I don’t do it as often as I used to or for as long a time.

Today I am no longer seeking perfection; the only thing that matters is the direction in which I’m moving.

Today’s Reminder

As a result of hard work in Al-Anon and a willingness to change, I am moving in a positive direction. I will celebrate my progress today. I know that the process of recovery will continue to help me grow toward a better way of living.

“Keep adding little by little and you will soon have a big hoard.” ~ Latin Proverb

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I tend to procrastinate. I have difficulty completing projects. I am highly distractible. My attempts to confront these short-comings lead to internal proclamations; “From this day forth, I shall be efficient and focused!” When this resolve expired within the coming days, I would build great resentments against myself. The image of what I wasn’t grew stronger. The tyrant of the “perfect me” gave birth to an anarchist rebellion within. Responsibilities were to be evaded and minimized. Withdrawal from public observation was paramount. Introspection gave way to morbid rumination. The overall direction of my life drew me to a lack of confidence inspired by self-hatred.

My alcoholism forced me to fail in monumental fashion. The recovery I sought forced my life into the spotlight of a moral inventory. There were others around me who had overcome bit by bit while continuing to fall along the way. I was accepted by these “non-saints” who moved toward a life worth sharing. The “perfect me” tyrant was revealed to be an icon I forged to stand above all criticism. There was nothing truly perfect about it. Establishing a standard of perfection while in a very imperfect state is an exercise in futility. The Infinite One has a grasp on what perfection truly looks like, and still created me. Perfection then, is progress in this relationship with the ultimate loving Father. This is now my reality, and it works well for me.

From Courage to Change of March 15;

Before Al-Anon, forgiveness meant power to me. I could judge the offender — the person who wasn’t doing what I wanted — and then exercise my power by showing that I could rise above the offense and magnanimously bestow forgiveness. But I would never forget what had been done.

Today I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with power. It does not give me control. Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I’m the one who suffers — I separate myself from my fellow human beings, focus on others, and keep busy with hateful and negative thoughts. By taking this attitude I tell myself that I am a victim, so I remain a victim.  The most forgiving thing I can do is to remember that my job is not to judge others, but to think and behave in a way that lets me feel good.

Today’s Reminder

I don’t know the motives or circumstances that cause another’s behavior. I do know that when I hold onto resentment and blame, I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nurturing way to fill myself up.

“You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him.” ~ Booker T. Washington

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Internal festering resentments lower the quality of my life and threaten me with spiritual bankruptcy. This ultimately manifests in addictive relapse for me. This is the major motivator for me to practice forgiveness. There are noble philosophies that surround the act of morally releasing someone held captive in my mind’s prison, but this one reality anchors me to the practice. It is pragmatic and simple. Trying to wrap it all up into some idea of the equality of mankind, or the rewards of Karma, or the imitation of whatever God embraced is pretty packaging that invites intellectual debates. These debates are fuel for self-destructive justification. That is my reality.

If my mind’s fantastic ability to forget is not filtering out the trespasses of my internal courtroom, I add the practice of praying and seeking the betterment of the other person every time I fall into such soul-sucking rumination. I avoid situations that will open old wounds. These I do because I love my own life and want to give others I care about the permission to do the same.

There are some lyrics from Audioslave’s song, Exploder, that comes to my mind as I think of what happens when I struggle to forgive:

There was a man who had a face
That looked a lot like me
I saw him in the mirror and
I fought him in the street
And when he turned away
I shot him in the head
Then I came to realize
I had killed myself

This will not be me. The release I give my offenders is a mercy granted to myself. Live and let live.

From Courage to Change of March 14;

One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they’re pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down.

Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn’t cause alcoholism. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I’ve spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects.

Today’s Reminder

It’s not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.

“It stands to reason that a change in us will be a force for good that will help the entire family.” ~ How Can I Help My Children?

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have seen the effects in my family near and extended of alcoholism, and addiction in general. Some of us overcame or at least learned to cope with it. Others wrote in blood a tragic story. It hurts deeply to watch the struggle knowing I have no real power to help until it is sought. I have learned that those of us caught in active addiction need a few gifts in our lives; consequences, demonstrated living, and an intimate, caring spiritual connection.

Consequences act as a braking mechanism that allows the addict moments of sanity and personal reflection. The internal braking mechanisms that healthy people have has been corrupted and overridden by the addiction. External forces are often needed to buy the addict/alcoholic time. It feels like love to save them from their consequences, but in the world of addiction life is turned upside down and inside out. My protection from consequences will aid the disease in consuming its host. I will enable the tragedy against my own will and that is my part of this disease. It is a way in which I become powerless.

Demonstrated living is when I show that I love my own life by taking action to protect, strengthen, and improve the way I interact with the world around me. I remove the addict from the center of my life and find that raw and fearless courage to live. This is good for me and for those who share my intimate world. It gives others “permission” to love their own lives. If the alcoholic/addict is going to overcome their unfolding tragedy, they have to have Step Zero, the self-concerned desire to live. It cannot be gentle self-care. It must be a ferocious appetite to live. This is the one thing that I have seen that separates those who make it, and those who don’t. I had an alcoholic ask me one time, “why do you want to live?” I knew that I could not convey that adequately in speech. That had to be a product of her own discovery. And at the time, I was not living it well myself. Months later, she was dead. And I was glad that she and I had parted ways because I truly did want to live. I do not want to share that fait nor see it inflected on my loved ones. Then I could demonstrate why the recovery program is a “selfish” program. It is not the damning isolated selfishness that kills us, but the fierce self perseveration that gets us into the rooms and gives us the desperation to do the work of recovery.

What gets confusing in recovering is a product of the limitations of language and how that makes seeking a spiritual connection so complex. It is important for me to understand that there is helpful selfishness and there is destructive selfishness. Isolating selfishness that makes me anti-social and creates a need of continuously activated primal pleasure centers is destructive. Chemical dependency becomes the best answer for such a situation. When I develop the skill of silencing this type of selfishness described in the text surrounding page 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can find a solution that works to improve my living of life on life’s terms. The best avenue for me to develop this skill is finding ways to help others who are attempting to help themselves. Thus, I get to keep what I learn to give away.

All three of these gifts are the best that I can offer to those held hostage in their addiction. It is not callous. It is courageous and necessary.