Endigar 815

From Courage to Change of March 23;

Alcoholism has contributed to many dashed hopes, broken dreams, and considerable pain in my life. I do not wish to dwell on these feelings, but neither do I wish to turn my back on them. Al-Anon is helping me to face even the most unpleasant aspects of my past. By taking hold of the hands of those in the fellowship, I am able to feel the pain and mourn the losses, and to move on.

These feelings are a deep part of me; when they come knocking at the door of my awareness, I wish to open it and let them in. I need to treat myself with the same care and respect that I would an Al-Anon member sharing pain, confusion, and turmoil at a meeting. Only in this way can I become whole and at peace.

Today’s Reminder

They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind me.

“… when we long for life without…difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” ~ Peter Marshall

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt-o-meter is broken. My early childhood and adult trainee adolescence were filled with unreal and shifting expectations. I was a family god soaked in the steady acid drip of an overprotective distrust of “outsiders.” Only my family had it right. Only my family knew how to love one another. I felt guilty when I stepped outside of this unrealistic icon forged in family dysfunction. I knew, absolutely knew, that if my family or anyone got close enough they would discover how pathetic and worthless I was. My family champion mantle protected me from discovery. I feared the exile. The protection I received made plain to me how incapable I was of handling life on my  own. In this way I was cut off from myself and others.

Over time I am attempting to reset my guilt-o-meter to a balance of liberty and responsibility and to abandon martyrdom for the weeping mad goddess of my formative years. It is not natural for me to remain balanced in this fashion. A major part of this depth of recovery is to process some very difficult emotions that have phantom sources. A séance pursuit of childhood ghosts takes time and patience. I had to overcome my distrust of non-family sources to get help from others who were invested in the recovery of my true Self. I attend the meetings and surrender to this program of restored volition. I did not create this delusion on my own. I strongly suspect that I will not undo its damning effects in solitary confinement.



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