Daily Reprieve

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Somehow, being alone with God doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to God, and myself, about my character defects. But to sit down, face to face, and openly discuss these intimacies with another person was much more difficult. I recognized in the experience, however, a similar relief to the one I had experienced when I first admitted I was an alcoholic. I began to appreciate the spiritual significance of the program and that this Step was just an introduction to what was yet to come in the remaining seven Steps.

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I have done the fifth step several times.  I remember my sponsors yawning toward the end.  Their stories seemed so much more dramatic than mine.  I have never felt a sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders.  I just had to drop the expectations I had of myself and the program and get busy doing the work.

And the work is not over, I am sure.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124)

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark – as some days must be – the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

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This is new to me.  My past is no longer my personal possession.  When I entered this program and demand recovery, hungered for it, the possession of my past was transferred to the very program that prevented the tragic and logic end to that past.  It makes sense.  I had not considered it.  I am considering it now.  Oh Gomu (God of my understanding), help me incorporate this reality.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 55)

Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.

It’s the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.

By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.

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Deception reinforces insanity.  Sanity is strengthened and fed by truth.  Double lives lead to fractured personalities and internal civil wars.  My connections with others must be taken off the deceptive transmission frequencies established in active alcoholism and adjusted to the clearest and most accurate truth about myself that I can uncover.  Connections based on the purest form of reality push me toward healing of heart and mind.

From Today’s Daily Reflections (for April 30th);

These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other. This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.’s all around the globe.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 151)

The great paradox of A.A. is that I know I cannot keep the precious gift of sobriety unless I give it away.

My primary purpose is to stay sober. In A.A. I have no other goal, and the importance of this is a matter of life or death for me. If I veer from this purpose I lose. But A.A. is not only for me; it is for the alcoholic who still suffers. The legions of recovering alcoholics stay sober by sharing with fellow alcoholics. The way to my recovery is to show others in A.A. that when I share with them, we both grow in the grace of the Higher Power, and both of us are on the road to a happy destiny.

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I have grown to trust this kind of helping over all others.  I trust others to help me when their lives depend on it.  I am so glad to be free of the religious high horse that offers patronizing pity as its primary solace.  My help is not given to sell a religious icon.  It is motivated by unapologetic self-preservation.  That is real and honors the individual.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.  (As Bill Sees It, page 271)

To acknowledge and respect the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong shows me the way of humility. To practice the principles of A.A. in all my affairs guides me to be responsible. Honoring these precepts gives credence to Tradition Four-and to all other Traditions of the Fellowship. Alcoholics Anonymous has evolved a philosophy of life full of valid motivations, rich in highly relevant principles and ethical values, a view of life which can be extended beyond the confines of the alcoholic population. To honor these precepts I need only to pray, and care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother.

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The two magnificent standards are humility and responsibility and are the measurable fruit of my spiritual development.

A.A. has evolved a philosophy of life.  What is it I wonder?

This philosophy has valid motivations.  What are they?

It has highly relevant principles and ethical values.  What specifically do we mean when we say practice these principles in all our affairs?  What are they?

A.A. has a view or vision of life that extends beyond the alcoholic population.    What is it?

It seems that the answer to these questions cannot be the result of an academic quest.  They are discovered through prayer and care for my fellow man.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Some may think that we have carried the principle of group autonomy to extremes. For example, in its original “long form,” Tradition Four declares: “Any two or three gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.”* . . . But this ultra- liberty is not so risky as it looks.  (AA Comes of Age, page 104 – 05)

As an active alcoholic, I abused every liberty that life afforded. How could A.A. expect me to respect the “ultra-liberty” bestowed by Tradition Four? Learning respect has become a lifetime job.

A.A. has made me fully accept the necessity of discipline and that, if I do not assert it from within, then I will pay for it. This applies to groups too. Tradition Four points me in a spiritual direction, in spite of my alcoholic inclinations.

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I have been on storm vigil today, here in Alabama.  It seems nothing changes in the South without violence, not even the weather.

Abusing liberty is an alcoholic tendency?  I suppose so.  Freedom is a group thing that implies a personal necessity for individual discipline.  As an alcoholic, I saw freedom as an individual thing that implied group belligerence and social warfare.  Are the spiritual traits that I need to develop to support this group autonomy  humility and trust?  I think so.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.

Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God’s grace.

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I used to think that the phrase “obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got” to be an admonishment to go out and get it so that I will be fit to transmit.  That is what my perfectionism hears.  That is not the Great Fact that this observation leads to.  By myself, isolated, I am powerless.  I simply cannot become more.  I need to connect with a Higher Power.  When I do connect with this loving Source, more is disclosed even though I know only a little by myself.  The order of my house is to seek intimate connection with Gomu.  Joyful discoveries of sobriety are the many “I love yous” whispered and shouted along the way.  We are not alone.  This is the Great Fact for me.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

I don’t think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?  (As Bill Sees It, page 306)

In my search “to be happy,” I changed jobs, married and divorced, took geographical cures, and ran myself into debt-financially, emotionally and spiritually. In A.A., I’m learning to grow up. Instead of demanding that people, places and things make me happy, I can ask God for self-acceptance. When a problem overwhelms me, A.A.’s Twelve Steps will help me grow through the pain. The knowledge I gain can be a gift to others who suffer with the same problem. As Bill said, “When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it.” ( As Bill Sees It, p. 306)

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The process of problem solving is to confront them, learn from them, and then find a willing place to transmit what we learn.  The expectations of happiness obscure this simple and powerful process.  Happiness comes in its own form not sculpted by our hands and is fed by our connections in life.  Our side of the street is working the process, and God’s side of the street is crafting connections that constitute happiness.  In the military there was a philosophy that came from the focus required at the firing range and may be applicable here.  Stay in your lane.  Hit you target, not your neighbor’s.  My lane is designated by the 12 step process of life.  I will stay in my lane.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.  (As Bill Sees It, page 283)

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of A.A., alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was, “This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round.” The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: “Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal.” I’m free and I’m grateful!

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Admitting complete defeat.  It is hard for me to stay there long enough to be more than a visitor to this other dimension.  It is my hope to learn from others rather than insisting on dwelling in a slothful skepticism.  I will keep working.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. . . . We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others. . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence.  (As Bill Sees It, page 252)

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life-my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.

It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

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Relapse in recovery is another blow to self-esteem.  When you know what needs to be done and yet succumb to the insanity of the disease once more, that just feels doubly insane.  I can remember the first time I had to pick up a silver chip and felt the fearful disdain of my comrades in the struggle.  Whether real or imagined, I felt like a radioactive leper.  Because of the words of a few and the notorious sensitivities of the alcoholic that I am, I thought that the grace that was present for the newcomer was not there for those of us who have had trouble accruing consistent abstinence.

This is the encouragement that I cling to in my stop and go progress in recovery.  My goal is spiritual sobriety.  Although chemical abstinence is easier to measure, it is not the primary goal.  Sobriety is a surrender to the realities of the unseen world.  It is access to the power of that which is hidden to our organic eyes.  It is the assurance that there is something out there that really loves and cares for me.  When I can hold onto that truth, I began to see and experience the love of others in recovery.  In this way, I learn to love myself in spite of my clumsy march toward sobriety.  Chemical abstinence is a byproduct of spiritual health and growth.