Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of February 14;

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98).

Dealing with expectations is a frequent topic at meetings. It isn’t wrong to expect progress of myself, good things from life, or decent treatment from others. Where I get into trouble is when my expectations become demands. I will fall short of what I wish to be and situations will go in ways I do not like, because people will let me down sometimes. The only question is: “What am I going to do about it?” Wallow in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse; or will I trust in God’s power to bring blessings on the messes in which I find myself? Will I ask Him what I should be learning; do I keep on doing the right things I know how to do, no matter what; do I take time to share my faith and blessings with others?

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I am tired of not knowing how my years are going to play out. The fear of the unknown swirling chaos of life tears open my chest and invades me deeply with a great sense of being in exile. I fight back to regain my solid self and take a piece of the planet that responds when I say “mine.” There is no way to escape the echoes of loss or the years of waste. I am here.

The Gomu (God of my understanding) does not seem to be offended or disgusted or panicked by my fearful expectations when we meet and find one another, each day. I relax and take it easy. I have something personal, intimate, and specific to me as an individual because my significance is revealed in this new trust with an infinite Entity some call God.

From the Daily Reflections of February 13;

To the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman, many A.A.’s can say, “Yes, we were like you — far too smart for our own good. . . . Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brain power alone.”  (As Bill Sees It, page 60).

Even the most brilliant mind is no defense against the disease of alcoholism. I can’t think my way sober. I try to remember that intelligence is a Godgiven attribute that I may use, a joy — like having a talent for dancing or drawing or carpentry. It does not make me better than anyone else, and it is not a particularly reliable tool for recovery, for it is a power greater than myself who will restore me to sanity — not a high IQ or a college degree.

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This reflection should be entitled “I Can’t Think My Way Sober.” It is the power of my intellect to separate me from others in recovery that is deadly. It is not intelligence, but lazy skepticism, perpetual argumentation, and terminal uniqueness that empowers my disease to divide and conquer. Intelligence without humility fuels the starving, mangy loan wolf within me. The 12 Steps are never successfully an I process.

I have heard some in the rooms say they had to dumb themselves down to make this program work. I have personally lamented that stupid people seemed to be the happy ones, but I do not believe that AA was designed to make us giggling idiots. In my case, I had to learn to seek the simplicity that comes with serenity. Complexity in my communication was not intelligence as much as it was a distrustful attempt to control my social environment. It seems to me the truly smart people learn to listen, investigate, and connect. I have heard it said in AA that “we stay sober, I get drunk.”

From the Daily Reflections of February 12;

Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62).

How amazing the revelation that the world, and everyone in it, can get along just fine with or without me. What a relief to know that people, places and things will be perfectly okay without my control and direction. And how wordlessly wonderful to come to believe that a power greater than me exists separate and apart from myself. I believe that the feeling of separation I experience between me and God will one day vanish. In the meantime, faith must serve as the pathway to the center of my life.

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“Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62).

The phrase “this selfishness” refers to a particular kind of selfishness described on the previous pages. It refers to isolated self will.

It is important to me that this need to remove isolated selfishness does not also purge away my ability to exercise self-care. Without a strong dose of this good kind of “selfishness,” I will become a martyr to co-dependence. The false image of a powerful self standing alone requires self-deception and a lot of alcohol to replace the blood of humanity pumping through my body. My intrinsic confidence is replaced with fantasy-protecting pride and I grow deaf to the God that will only speak to me with truth.  It is important to me that in my iconoclastic zealotry for humility, I take care not to destroy my good self-care crops while pulling the weeds of addiction up by the roots of my self-centered hermitage. This is a selfish program in that it only works when I care about myself enough to surrender my isolated selfishness. This, to me, is the powerful paradox of AA, and many other spiritual pursuits.

From the Daily Reflections of February 11;

We asked ourselves why we had them [fears]. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 68).

All of my character defects separate me from God’s will. When I ignore my association with Him I face the world and my alcoholism alone and must depend on self-reliance. I have never found security and happiness through self-will and the only result is a life of fear and discontent. God provides the path back to Him and to His gift of serenity and comfort. First, however, I must be willing to acknowledge my fears and understand their source and power over me. I frequently ask God to help me understand how I separate myself from Him.

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I am sometimes afraid of relinquishing self-reliance even though it does not work to enforce my isolated will on a connected Universe. My limitations and rebuffs and struggles to stand alone are familiar failures. The constant dose of fear is so normal it is an invisible affliction, until I slow down and take an inventory.

So what now? Can I trust the God of my understanding? In my moral circumspection I see that I have a place in the Universe. In this connection with my Higher Power, I suspect that the will of God fulfills the desires of my heart. They are not mutually exclusive when I discover where the true me exists and the anti-me resists. For me, this is the process of being restored to sanity. I am willing to believe there is a God of my understanding that will allow me to relinquish the illusion of control.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75).

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need to ask also for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will. Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

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I had difficulty with the concept of humility. My mind would envision someone with head bowed and spirit beaten down into mindless servitude. This reminded me of the humiliation of alcoholism. Such a view of humility was not helpful to my recovery.

So I looked at its opposite. An antonym for humility is arrogance. In my own mind I would often stand high above all others and imagine myself in a fantasy of isolated superiority. I regularly became guilty of contempt prior to investigation and rejected any challenge to my delusion. Now I can see that humility is not demeaning myself, but lifting up others in my own estimate. My personal perspective is to be considered on an equal field with those of my fellows. Because I have been accustomed to withdrawing to the fantasy world where I alone reign supreme, humility will involve some ego deflation.

I have discovered that my needs and desires can never really find fulfillment in the isolated fantasy of addiction. I have to enter the interactive reality of the human family through the gateway of humility.  I can never settle for the life of the lazy skeptic. It has been a long road getting from there to here, but I am grateful to those who have stayed with me throughout this process to include the loving God of my understanding.

From the Daily Reflections of February 10;

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 53).

Today my choice is God. He is everything. For this I am truly grateful. When I think I am running the show I am blocking God from my life. I pray I can remember this when I allow myself to get caught up into self. The most important thing is that today I am willing to grow along spiritual lines, and that God is everything. When I was trying to quit drinking on my own, it never worked; with God and A.A., it is working. This seems to be a simple thought for a complicated alcoholic

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If there is an area that I decide I cannot trust my God to provide power and guidance, that one area will become a source of isolated self-will for me. This particular brand of selfishness will make that area more important than all others. The isolated self-will of my addiction will gain control once it gains my attention. I know that for me, my devotions have to be all or nothing in the face of this disease that is so prone to chronic recurrence. If I progressively entrust more and more to the God of my understanding, I will grow in serenity, power, and wisdom.

From the Daily Reflections of February 9;

How often do we sit in AA meetings and hear the speaker declare, “But I haven’t yet got the spiritual angle.” Prior to this statement, he had described a miracle of transformation which had occurred in him — not only his release from alcohol, but a complete change in his whole attitude toward life and the living of it. It is apparent to nearly everyone else present that he has received a great gift; “. . . except that he doesn’t seem to know it yet!” We well know that this questioning individual will tell us six months or a year hence that he has found faith in God.  (Language of the Heart, page 275)

A spiritual experience can be the realization that a life which once seemed empty and devoid of meaning is now joyous and full. In my life today, daily prayer and meditation, coupled with living the Twelve Steps, has brought about an inner peace and feeling of belonging which was missing when I was drinking.

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The miracle of transformation is truly something to behold. Coming into the rooms I got to see people that seemed lost who stayed and transformed before my eyes. The interesting thing is that the denial that hides the reality of my alcoholism from me, can also blind me to the spiritual experience unfolding in my own life. It is an inevitability that my continued connection with a Power greater than myself and the Fellowship of those who are invested in my growth will cause me to transcend the bondage of self. So I just keep coming back.

Sculpture Credit: Cédric Le Borgne

From the Daily Reflections of February 8;

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That’s the place so many of us A.A. oldsters have come to. And it’s a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious — from which so many of our fears, compulsions, and phony aspirations still stream — be brought into line with what we actually believe, know, and want! How to convince our dumb, raging, and hidden “Mr. Hyde” becomes our main task.  (The Language of the Heart, page 237)

Regular attendance at meetings, serving and helping others is the recipe that many have tried and found to be successful. Whenever I stray from these basic principles, my old habits resurface and my old self also comes back with all its fears and defects. The ultimate goal of each A.A. member is permanent sobriety, achieved One Day at a Time.

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The Word of the God of my understanding (GOMU) comes to me by three primary paths. One path is the written word, because these are words that stay and stand for future review. I can reference them again and again. Every centralized religion has captured such words from the God of their understanding. The AA Fellowship has the Big Book, “Alcoholics Anonymous.” There are other collections of written words that also act to inspire me to live and connect.

Another path for this Word of Gomu to come to me is the spoken word of Intuitive Guidance. There are many methods in many spiritual pursuits that offer guidance in connecting with this most intimate form of Word. I make use of several different approaches with varying success.

“…we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87)

Finally, the Word of Gomu is written in me. My birth was an expression of my Higher Power and the only way I gain access to this communication from the Universe is to truly know myself. To thine own self be true. When I use the tools of recovery for sanity-restoration, I can discover what my true heart’s desires are. This knowledge grows in connection with Gomu. These heart desires are the most relevant scripture in recreating my life.

“Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 45)

This dilemma of powerlessness predated my active alcoholism. I began my life here dependent on greater powers to fulfill my basic desires, and as I grew into a man, the God-inscribed desires in my heart became a source of frustration when I was unable to fulfill them. My strategy was to eliminate whatever I viewed as weakness in me, to commit suicide on the installment plan. This process of exterminating my weakness is my Mr. Hyde. His domination of my life was greatly assisted in my alcoholism. Once Jekyll drinks the potion, there is no negotiating with Mr. Hyde.

The only way that I can convince Mr. Hyde to relent, to prevent him from coming back with miserable persistence until he wins the day, is to demonstrate that I have found a Power greater than myself that will help me give birth to the Word of God written within me. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has been pointing the way for me, and that is a big reason why I keep coming back to the rooms.

From the Daily Reflections of February 7;

True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 33).

My last drunk had landed me in the hospital, totally broken. It was then that I was able to see my past float in front of me. I realized that, through drinking, I had lived every nightmare I had ever had. My own self-will and obsession to drink had driven me into a dark pit of hallucinations, blackouts and despair. Finally beaten, I asked for God’s help. His presence told me to believe. My obsession for alcohol was taken away and my paranoia has since been lifted. I am no longer afraid. I know my life is healthy and sane.

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I have faced the reality that faith in alcohol or other mind altering substances will not answer the vast need in my being for a connection and place in this Universe. It cannot be answered with human relationships or stimulation. I need to find my Higher Power and it can only be done in my own personal path of courage. No one can manufacture a life-saving faith for me. It begins with a willingness to believe and a commitment to personal integrity and truth. It ends with an overwhelming surrender of this life to the God of my understanding.

From the Daily Reflections of February 6;

Therefore, Step Two is the rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this Step.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 33).

I feel that A.A. is a God-inspired program and that God is at every A.A. meeting. I see, believe, and have come to know that A.A. works, because I have stayed sober today. I am turning my life over to A.A. and to God by going to an A.A. meeting. If God is in my heart and everyone else’s, then I am a small part of a whole and I am not unique. If God is in my heart and He speaks to me through other people, then I must be a channel of God to other people. I should seek to do His will by living spiritual principles and my reward will be sanity and emotional sobriety.

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How drab it is to hear something like, “I am not unique.” I know that I need to connect and I need to find the ways that I am similar to those in the Fellowship rather than the ways that I am different. It is a difficult process when you have always felt odd and at odds with those around you, no matter what group you are in. I struggle with connecting and staying connected. And that problem does not seem to be unique to me as an alcoholic. Thus, maybe it is my problem and my solution that I share in common. That is where I work to connect in AA.