Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of April 06;

Just as the common cold has symptoms such as a runny nose and sneezing, alcoholism also has symptoms such as blackouts and mood changes. I have to accept that I, too, display symptoms similar to those of the alcoholic, among them obsession, anxiety, anger, denial, and feelings of guilt. These reactions to alcoholism affect my relationships and the quality of my life, but as I learn to recognize them and to accept that I have been affected by a disease, I begin to heal. In time, I discover feelings of self-worth, love, and spiritual connectedness that help me to counteract the old responses. No matter how severely I have been affected, Al-Anon can help restore me to sanity.

Alcoholism is stronger than good intentions or genuine desires. I didn’t choose this family disease; neither did the alcoholic. So I try to behave with compassion for us both.

Today’s Reminder

My acceptance of this family disease allows me to stop wasting energy fighting a hopeless battle, and to run instead to sources of genuine help and hope –Al-Anon and my Higher Power.

“By accepting the idea that alcoholism is an illness from which problem drinkers and those who care about them can find release, you will have no reason to be ashamed of alcoholism — no reason to fear it.” ~ So You Love an Alcoholic

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The disease concept of alcoholism did battle for me in the face of my past religious understanding of the drunkard. The destiny of those who fail to find sobriety  and maintain it was an eternal hell; especially if one had access to the transformative power of the Holy Spirit. The profound sense of failure and shame did not help me find freedom from the direct and indirect effects of alcoholism. it was not until I approached the assault on my willpower and sanity as a disease of the body and mind that I could find the detachment necessary to implement a plan of action. I have also been able to connect to God through the 12 Step programs in a way that I never did in church gatherings.

I am grateful that I learned to put a disease in remission rather than perform a suicidal exorcism.

From Courage to Change of April 05;

As wonderful as it is to see a loved one find sobriety, it often presents a whole new set of challenges. After all the years of waiting, many of us are dismayed when sobriety does not bring the happily-ever-after ending we’ve awaited. We once knew exactly what to expect, and now everything suddenly seems different. The homebody is never home; the life of the party is always sleeping; communication, intimacy, sex, responsibilities, and decision-making all change. At the same time, problems that we always attributed to drinking may persist even though the drinking has stopped. This stirs up some very strong feelings with many of us.

Even longtime Al-Anon member may find it more important than ever to go back to the basics of our program and learn once more to focus on ourselves. It’s all right to feel disappointed, skeptical, resentful, joyous, excited, or confused about our changing circumstances. By accepting whatever we feel and sharing about it with other Al-Anon members, we are better able to take care of ourselves.

Today’s Reminder

I will allow myself the dignity to discover exactly how I feel about the changes that are happening today, and I will share those feelings with an Al-Anon friend.

“Al-Anon gave me the awareness that what I felt did matter.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

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There are three words I did not associate with emotions: dignity, self-control, and empowerment. Expressed emotions made me vulnerable to attack. Feelings shared without measured consideration enslaved me to libelous labeling, and worse, social disregard. “I just want you to be honest with me” was a veiled threat. It meant instead, “I just want to gather enough evidence from your mindless self-testimony to justify my assault against you. ”

In such a world view, sharing genuine thoughts and feelings was no small task. It is not a natural state of affairs for me, or for those like me. Yet it was necessary to prevent my fortress of isolation from becoming my prison of analytical paralysis.

The recovery rooms revealed that there are others like me. I do not have to die from terminal uniqueness. Clumsy and afraid, I can learn how to reach out and share for the purpose of turning emotions from violent masters to supportive servants. Fear will never leave me. That is not the goal. It has its place. A much smaller place than the one it was used to occupying in my head, but its existence is legitimate. The goal for me is to develop a new array of internal residents such as growing trust, unrepentant love, and the breath-taking awe of life. This process started and was nurtured in the 12 Step program. I am beyond grateful.

From Courage to Change of April 04;

I used to love the stillness of early morning, but over years of living with an alcoholic, I stopped noticing it. Instead, I woke up the same way I went to sleep –frantic. Before I was out of bed I already had a long list of crises that needed my attention. So no matter how early I got up, I was already late. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t get up at all.

My life has changed. I heard someone in Al-Anon say that when they open their eyes in the morning, they also open their ears. Now as I awaken, I listen for the birds. I choose not to review my plans for the day until I’ve had my breakfast. I prefer to take time to appreciate my favorite part of the day.

Al-Anon is helping me to clear my mind of my burdens so that I am able to enjoy the wonder of the moment. I am beginning to enjoy a childlike awe about the splendor of nature, to see the beauty all around me, to let my face break into a smile spontaneously, to laugh, to love, to live again. Today I can say, “Good morning, God,” instead of “Good God, it’s morning.”

Today’s Reminder

Today I’ll be keenly aware of my senses. I will think about what I am experiencing at this moment. I won’t let the beauty of this day slip by unnoticed.

“Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present.” ~ Albert Camus

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I am hungry for something of the Great Beyond to find me. Every day. Each day. Our day.

There is nothing to compare with this moment. It presents the awe of mystery over the fear of uncertainty.

I hunger for it, and my seeking gives me a way to make a connection. The 12 Step program answers my desire. The rooms give me a place to develop this daily skill. There are times when we learn to accept silence as listening moments. The awkwardness gives way to opportunity.

I hate when I allow a rush to rob me of this moment. And over time, without this “beyond connection,” I am overwhelmed.

I love this developed relationship with one day at a time.

From Courage to Change of April 03;

Many of us resisted coming to Al-Anon because we didn’t want anyone to know about our problems. We feared that our boss or our friends would find out, or that it would get back to the alcoholic.

These fears accompanied me to my first Al-Anon meeting. To my horror, just as I sat down one of my neighbors walked into the room and sat down across from me. What could I do now? Run?

In the midst of my panic, I noticed a sign on the table that said, “Whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.” And on the wall I saw a banner with the Traditions, one of which said that anonymity is Al-Anon’s spiritual foundation! I stayed for the meeting, but I still worried.

My neighbor never said a word to anyone. In time I began to trust that it was safe to get the help I so desperately needed, because the only one who would ever mention my membership in Al-Anon was me. To this day, I am confident that my anonymity was and always will be proacted, and my gratitude is beyond measure.

Today’s Reminder

Unless I protect the anonymity of all members, Al-Anon will not be a safe place for any of us.

“Our free expression–so important to our recovery–rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence.” ~ Al-Anon Spoken Here

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Protective anonymity allowed me to enter the rooms of 12 Step recovery free from the ignorant judgment of “normal” people. How do I explain addiction with its direct and indirect impact to the non-afflicted, when I am struggling to understand it myself? Protective anonymity bought me time to expand my small windows of sanity into a productive embrace of life.

Then that protection turned into a foundation of personal transformation. This was the development of spiritual anonymity. For me, the spiritual skill of stepping away from the obsessive need to control the world around me and to trust others to the work of their own Higher Power has been the foundation of confidence through serenity.

It is an ongoing process.

From Courage to Change of April 02;

I have heard that the time to be especially gentle with myself is not when I’m doing well, but when I’m doing poorly. I may be able to push myself hard when things are going my way, but I invite trouble if I try this when I’m already struggling to manage the basic activities of my life. I used to worry that if I didn’t push myself all the time, I would turn into a slug and nothing would get done. But my Fourth Step inventory showed me that the opposite is true. I tend to be very hard on myself, so hard at times that I make my own life unmanageable. As a result, I often accomplish less than I would if I took a more gentle approach. For me, the best antidote is the slogan, “Easy Does It.”

When I notice that I’m having trouble with my day, I try to slow down. And instead of automatically assuming I am wrong, I try to consider the possibility that I might be right on schedule.

Today’s Reminder

“Easy Does It” suggests not only that I learn to slow down, but also that I lean to lighten up. Today I will strove to take a more accepting attitude toward myself and to enjoy the day, regardless of what I achieve.

“Improving our own attitudes, and our own state of mind, takes time. Haste and impatience can only defeat our purposes.” ~ This Is Al-Anon

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There is a distinct difference in the aggressive positive selfishness needed to overcome addiction and the gentle self care necessary to navigate life with humans.

The first reality I have to embrace is that I am not God. I cannot mastermind the perfections of my fellow human beings according to the enlightenment of my personal experience. There is only one human being I am capable and thus responsible for perfecting through the actions of my free will and that is me. This is Self-to-self recitation.

The next thing I have had to grasp is that there is something or someone out there that seems to give a damn about humanity. This entity cares greatly about helping without overriding free will. Many use the variable term God to refer to this invisible and apparently intelligent force. It has both the power and desire to nurture the very best that we can be. I am not that being. And I can give up trying to be God because that position is already taken.

If I ever want to find this God/Goddess being, I involve myself in helping others, because that is where it really likes to hang out. I don’t help others to become their God, but to get to know and develop a relationship with the One who gives a damn about humans and life and freedom.

These realities help me to surrender to my own need for self-care, for Self-to-self recitation and nurturing.

From Courage to Change of April 01;

I’ve heard acceptance mentioned at meetings as one part of the “Three A’s” — Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. However, I am inclined to try to jump from awareness to action without even pausing for acceptance. My thinking goes like this: “Something’s wrong! Quick, let me fix it before I have to feel any discomfort.”

The problem is that until I accept the situation , defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences. The action doesn’t work or it makes things worse, and I feel helpless and hopeless. Even if it does work, I am usually too full of self-doubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to go back, sit still, feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance. It helps to be reminded that my Higher Power already accepts me and my situation–and loves me on the bad days as well as the good.

Today’s Reminder

Moving from awareness to acceptance to action takes time, but the benefits are worth the wait. As I learn to accept my defects, circumstances, and feelings, I learn that I am a worthwhile human being just as I am. With that kind of self-acceptance, I begin to see my options, and slowly I can begin to take action, to change.

“. . . Someone suggested I stop concentrating on changing myself and think first about accepting myself. That gave me the boost I needed.” ~ Alateen–a day at a time

 

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During my first rehab, I was “prescribed” to read the section in the book, Alcoholics  Anonymous, that talked about acceptance being the solution to all my problems. I was to read it daily. I had issues I found unacceptable. Acceptance holds a central part in the Serenity Prayer as well.

To be honest, I do not recall ever hearing or reading about the three As of Al-Anon. It does not surprise me that acceptance is included. I think it is important that it is couple with awareness to prevent acceptance from fermenting into apathy. And I like the fact that it is linked with a destiny of some constructive action. It not a call to perpetual navel gazing nor a ticket to the isolated cell of morbid self-reflection. It is another manner in which we get to know ourselves, value our existence, and then to seek out a way to fulfill the mantra, “to thine own self be true.”

The developed skill of acceptance is a foundation for the capacity of tolerance necessary to help others. What I do to me, I will do to others. That is the reality this program has revealed to me. And I am grateful.

The laughter provided me today was my daughter’s attempt to surprise me with a visit, securing herself in the darkness of my kitchen. It was a fun laughter mixed with deep gratitude for the moment.

Tonight, the auto-correct function transformed “Poe’s influence” that I was talk-to-text writing into “hoes in Florence.”

I laughed. As did God and Poe.

From Courage to Change of March 31;

Al-Anon is where many of us who have lived with alcoholism begin to grow up for the first time. We learn to face the world as it really is and to take responsibility for our actions. We deal with our feeling and share honestly about our experiences. We learn about ourselves and nurture our spiritual growth and our physical and mental well-being. We become responsible adults.

An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun–to take a tri, fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles. Light-heartedness cn put troublesome situations into perspective. It reminds us that there is more to life than the problem at hand.

Taking ourselves too seriously won’t solve a problem any quicker. In fact, taking a break may help more than continuing to struggle–even Jello must be left alone in order to form as it should. A good laugh may be the best tool available to help us let go, and we’ll come back to our task refreshed.

Today’s Reminder

A well-developed sense of humor helps me detach from my personal struggles and triumphs. I will avoid taking myself too seriously today.

“One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span, because to laugh is proper to the man” ~ François Rabelais

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This is one of those times when the provided reading is right on target and is something I needed to hear, but not something I wanted.

Life in America lends itself toward some intensely dark seriousness. At least it does for me. And giggling seems like irresponsibility and social abdication.

I suppose humor, gratitude and satisfaction are the product of being able to trust my Higher Power. I really want to have that embedded within. Right now, I will chose to trust and to remain open for God’s laughter to manifest.

From Courage to Change of March 30;

When I heard that Al-Anon was a program in which we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, I wondered what others would think of me if I acted on that principle? Surely they would think me inconsiderate, thoughtless, and uncaring. Those were my complaints about the alcoholics in my life! I didn’t want to be that way. Instead, I tried to do things for others that seemed loving and generous, even when I didn’t want to do them. I couldn’t understand why I so often grew resentful after such actions.

My efforts to be selfless by trying to please everyone but myself weren’t working. The focus was on their response rather than on what seemed right for me to do. There was nothing unconditional about this kind of giving. My Sponser helped me to see that if I paid more attention to myself and to doing what I thought was best, I would be free to give without strings attached. Then I could truly be generous.

Today’s Reminder

The Al-Anon program works when I keep the focus on myself, attend lots of Al-Anon meetings, and make recovery my top priority. As I become more fully myself, I am better able to treat others with love and respect.

“We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions

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There is a paradox of selfishness in the 12 Step programs of AA and Al-Anon. I was introduced to it by the statements “This is a selfish program, not for those who need it, but for those who want it,” followed by “selfishness – self-centeredness! This is the root of our troubles. We must be rid of this selfishness or it kills us. Active addiction is fueled by self-will run riot.” Only a paradoxical solution allows both to be true. This was the beginning of something I desperately needed in my life. If the English language was more specific, we would have two separate words to resolve this apparent contradiction of our perspective on selfishness. As far as I know, we do not.

The “bad” selfishness is isolating and resistant to accountability. It attempts to control the world around it, distrusting all that interferes with that agenda. It prevents those who suffer from getting help. It prevents those who care from being useful. It is deadly.

The “good” selfishness is the fall down seven get up eight resilience that causes an individual to overcome personal fear and leave the familiar behind for a potential solution. It is the desire to truly live even if that requires entering a room full of strangers who have what I want.

This good selfishness is more than self-care. It is a highly aggressive “hell yeah” to a fulfilling life. The fruit of this selfishness is inspiration and social utility. I become useful to others who want to live by tightly embracing the value of my own life. My example gives permission to others to do the same. My world becomes a better place when they do.

From Courage to Change of March 29;

It’s time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!

Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.

Today’s Reminder

Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.

“We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.” ~ How Can I Help My Children?

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I often hear a chorus of voices that fire off in my brain – that hate me and make no bones about it. I think this is one of the reasons why I get along with everyone. My most potent venom is directed inward.

My mother was an adult child of an alcoholic and that unresolved pain rippled to her children.

The demoralization of active addiction takes generations to overcome, and those of us who desire to extinguish the flames of a family curse have to break all the mirrors in the cranial cavern except for those that are invested, truly invested, in our well-being. The 12 Step program produces some of these empowering reflectors. I am grateful to have something to compete with that chorus of condemnation.