Daily Reprieve

As I awaken, some thoughts. 

There are levels of consciousness achieved with the holograph of our existence.  Its progression is  not linear, like a ranking, but levels of empowerment to reach out and connect.  That is the nature of empowerment in our universe.

For the ease of discussing the concept, lets say that our current level of consciousness is level zero.  That the collective consciousness of the human species is level one, and the consciousness of our divided life complex, the single cell, is consciousness level negative one.  Now lets just say that the accumulation of all infinity produces consciousness level infinity and we know this as God, the God of order.  Now lets say that the infinite void of all consciousness is level negative infinity, or what we have arithmetically touched on as Zero.  This is also God.  The God of chaos.  This produces balance in nature, and works like opposing muscles in the body.  On an infinite continuum, any point can be the center, and thus every point of existence can be your center.  It only requires that you achieve your self-awareness at that point.  Thus we are given creative flexibility by learning to shift our center. 

Now our level one consciousness, our collective soul, establishes the context for the existence of other beings we commonly identified as gods and demons and the such.  These are not the same as the infinite God of order and chaos.  But we tend to have more interaction with them.  They represent our various cultural ideas, but do take on a life of their own.  Our emotions that tend to be more destructive such as anger, fear, and despair also take on life as a hierarchy of demons in negative level one.  Selling your soul to the devil is a way of connecting to a negative level one entity.  But it must contain the emotion which empowers it to be successful.  It appears to me that the despair of death and judgment finds its personification in the Satan.  A deal with the devil is then a spiritualized suicide pact.  In some way we have given up on ourselves.  And we seek empowerment from negative level one.  This process into the negative consciousness leads to the extermination of body and soul, it dissemination into chaos.

But there is a process of transcending if we can connect with the infinite level.  This pull into the infinite shifts our center toward level one, which then becomes our new level zero.  This transcending shift is not to be confused with the creative shift of our center I mentioned earlier. 

A pact of overcoming with the infinite God draws our center outward into greater connectivity, manifest in greater usefulness. 

Thus the act of making amends increased my connectivity.  It was an act of transcending. 

So if I where to expend my life force to move toward the negative infinite, I could experience power by “selling my soul” to the devil.  That power would be explosive, as I would be moving against the flow of nature, and would go into negative level one, dividing into individual sells and disseminating my life energy into the void to be caught up and re-used for other expressions of life.  Because of the level of self-awareness I have achieved, I would be embraced by the infinite, and on some level I might still be aware of being dumped into the void of God, the great Zero.  That would be hell.

But on the other hand, if I capture the emotions, the passions, that are most useful in connecting with others and create a pact of overcoming, a determination to transcend, my center will be shifted toward level one.  To my fellows, I will become a god.  Not the infinite God.  But a level one god. 

At this point, let me qualify that I will not escape the process of death and aging as long as I remain connected with my species who still gravitate toward negative level one.  In a perfect world, we would all seek to shift outward, to connect with one another, and all other life, we would all overcome together.  I believe that if that ever happens, we will transcend several levels toward the infinite very quickly.  Being gods would become our “normal” existence.

I think that the Infinite One has listened to my rant, seen past my defiance, and given me hope and that this is wisdom drawing me to transcend.  I also know that this effort stands a greater chance of success if you, who are reading, are also given this hope, and that somehow, you are committed to transcending, to the shift of your center toward greater empowerment.

I just got finished watching the movie, “The Box.”  And it only seemed to reinforce everything I said in the previous post.  Some advanced alien race is standing in judgment over mankind, examining us.  These aliens are conducting tests that they are pretty sure we are going to fail to justify mass extermination of our species. 

We are a race that is continually facing death with vivid self-awareness.  There are so many humans around me who are dying and I will not shed one tear for them to honor the significance of their lives, because I do not know who they are.  This system of mass denial is how we cope with the limitations of our mortality.  I have two children who will die.  When I held those little infants in my arms, I did not look at them and think about their upcoming funerals.  No!  I imagined the fullness of their lives, and reveled in my love for them as though they where eternal.  But I have no empirical evidence that is true.  So I push those doubts far from me and embrace the systemic denial of my kind. 

Imagine if we were physically eternal beings with no aging, no sickness, permanently young and strong.  Then give us time to evolve in our awareness.  I think the prospect that we would push the button in the box would become obsolete.  Is it not possible that it is our powerlessness over death that breeds our short-comings and not the other way around.  We are all walking around with a gun to our heads, our lives ticking away.  Time is running out.  A small fortune can speed up our personal pursuits.  Such an opportunity means more to mortals.  The illusion that being good will give us special consideration before some angry, demanding old god or some pridefule alien race is absolutely repugnant. 

Who is more brave, the soldier who sacrifices his life for the well-being of his countrymen, not knowing what or if there is anything afterwards, or a god-man who allows his own execution, knowing that he will rise from the dead, and knows that at any time he could have called a host of angelic warriors to his side.  It is the mortal man who lacks the knowledge and fights on anyway who has the greater courage, in my opinion. 

I understand that you admire the writings of John Paul Sartre. Perhaps these words will comfort you. “There are two ways to enter the final chamber, free or not free. The choice is ours.” – Arlington Steward, The Box

Martin Teague: Sir? If you don’t mind my asking… why a box?
Arlington Steward: Your home is a box. Your car is a box on wheels. You drive to work in it. You drive home in it. You sit in your home, staring into a box. It erodes your soul, while the box that is your body inevitably withers… then dies. Where upon it is placed in the ultimate box, to slowly decompose.
Martin Teague: It’s quite depressing, if you think of it that way.
Arlington Steward: Don’t think of it that way… think of it as a temporary state of being.

I prefer this message from William Wallace’s dead father in Braveheart:

Malcolm Wallace: Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.

And screw those advanced patronizing aliens who expend their fantastic technology and warped morality to justify their cosmic sadism.

Change Me or kill Me.  But do not ignore Me. 

I am in this program to gain power, to be empowered.  I will finish the amends.  I will do this.  Me.  I will sponsor on a 4 x 3 or 3 x 4 matrix.  I will do this.  Me.   And then I am finished.

If I am behaving stupidly, teach Me. 

I am tired of cringing from judgment, afraid of who I will disappoint next.  Give me a faith that is faithful to Me!  I am either everything to You, or I am nothing.  Don’t love Me because that is what is in your nature to do.  That is insulting.  Love Me because You have something unique and special going on with Me.  I would rather that you be totally turned on by Me, or hunt Me down in hatred.  But if you are simply disinterested in Me, I will spew you out of My mouth like vinegar given to a dying man.

I want superhuman, supernatural, universe rippling power. 

I don’t think I or any mortal who seeks the same is asking too much.  We are tired of being the scapegoat for Your “issues.”

Why do you hide in the dark, oh God.  Come out into the open so that your deeds can be seen and rightly appraised.  Have a real relationship with us.  Or get it over with and blot out our existence.

My sponsor has asked me to give Him His seven-year token this afternoon.  I will do this.  Me.  Because I value Him and the special place He holds in My life. 

I have already walked the path of religion.  For Me, it is the way of socially re-enforced denial. 

If you come to My door and knock, I will ask You in.  If you come in the back window and lurk in the shadows like a thief in the night, I will seek to expel you as an intruder.  Can you blame Me?  Truly, can You?

Oh god, it’s already after 5pm.  Traffic.  Next meeting at 6 and a run after that.  I must get prepared for drill this weekend.  Camping out and using the night vision goggles.  My nephew gets married next week, so I will head south for that event.  A birthday celebration as apart of my amends.  I sure hope there is some validity to the tortoise and the hare story.

The amends went well.  I experienced magic along the journey, and the one event I dreaded the most turned out to be a very good reconnection.  My anger, resentment, hatred all melted away.  I know that I should be on a high after this has been accomplished.  I found myself initially very emotional with something that passes for happiness.  But underneath was a surreal world in which elements of the steadfast, a pillar of my existence, had been disintegrated.  Some of the furniture of my world has been carved out of the reality of this resentment.  With it gone, what is there to fill its place.  In a meeting this week, I said that void is what I am dependant on the Higher Power to fill. 

Anxiety builds as I move to accomplish the other 20 amends.  I find myself growing impatient.  I am wanting to argue again.  Slight altercation in the Bruno’s parking lot.  Obsessing over disagreements, hoping for confrontation.  I don’t want to scare the civilians, but…I don’t tend to trust love, or what gets tendered as such.  I find that I am in need for my connections in the lifestyle.  But I don’t want to lose this opportunity to get these amends behind me.  Self-control is so important for someone with my predispositions.  Suppression only increases the prospect of a future explosion.  I need a community where I can be me.  And the recovery community only partially answers that need.  It seems to be a yin-yang type of connection.  I can feel the internal clock ticking.  I have some time. 

“I have ceased fighting anything or anyone…”  Relax. Breath. Move forward.

I have 22 amends left from my trip through the steps.  I performed my last amends in January 2009.  July 2009 I was in jail for DUI.  I have since made a re-run on the steps and am left with these same 22 amends.  I am going to make a trip down to Florida this weekend and hope to set some things right, and to get my most horrendous amends completed.  My expectations are low for one in particular.  I grew up with him.  I have seen my hopes for his life replaced with the horror of what he has become.  My own love for him fuels a seething anger and hatred that I feel for few others on the face of this small planet.  If I could die and he would be saved, I would consider it.  It won’t happen.  I simply do not believe that he will ever change.  So all I can do is concentrate on my side of the street.  And there is plenty of my own dirt to deal with there.  This may be the last time I look on his face, if he even gives me that chance.  I will make the effort and leave the rest to the Higher Power to sort out.