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Endigar 1051

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 2:

It is essential to my recovery to help my Al-Anon group by accepting any of the various responsibilities necessary to keep things running smoothly. Perhaps the principal reason that service is so vital is that it brings me into frequent contact with newcomers. I can get caught up in the trivial problems of everyday life and lose perspective on the many gifts I have received since coming to Al-Anon. Talking with newcomers brings me back to reality. When I set out literature, make coffee, or chair a meeting, I become someone a newcomer might think to approach.

I remember the frustration of struggling with alcoholism by myself. I had no tools, no one to talk to. Al-Anon changed that. Now, no matter how difficult things may seem, I have a fellowship and a way of life that help me to cope. I am no longer alone.

Today I have much for which I am grateful, but I need to remember how far I have come so I don’t get lost in negativity over relatively unimportant matters. Service helps me remember.

Today’s Reminder

The Al-Anon program was there for me when I needed it. I will do what I can to ensure that it continues to thrive. I know that any service I offer will strengthen my own recovery.

“God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. He got me involved in service work. It saved my life, my family, my sanity.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Service redraws my inner map — not as decoration, but as survival. Petty grievances lure me into false terrain, a swamp of complaint and wounded righteousness. Service is not kindness. Service is compass. It is the act of cutting through fog to reclaim True North: gratitude honed into defensive weaponry.

The landmarks on this map are not marble idols or patriotic monuments. They are coffee pots, pamphlet stacks, folded chairs — ordinary altars, invisible to the untrained eye. To me, they are boundary stones, proof that I have walked out of chaos and into containment. They keep me from wandering back into the Lostness.

I place newcomers at the center, not myself — not out of sainthood, but survival. Their desperation is no burden of charity; it is my cure for forgetfulness. When I see their eyes, raw with the chaos I once carried, I remember the distance I have traveled. Their need sharpens my memory more than any sermon ever could.

This is not about saving them. It is about protecting me. Their struggle tethers me to the map. Without them, I drift. With them, I remember. That reciprocity is marrow, not politeness. It is the blood-law of Recovery: I keep what I have by giving it away.

Love’s alchemy works best in overlooked places because there, it cannot be stolen. Although my inner core is quiet, small obediences to the external reality redraw the map of my freedom. This alchemy is not divine charity; it is Social Containment: channeling my chaos into rituals too small to fail.

The framework is sharp and simple, but I carve it deeper:

  • Service anchors gratitude.
  • Gratitude strengthens Recovery.
  • Recovery keeps me alive.

This is not philosophy. Not logic. It is lifeline. Blood-line. Service is not sideline — it is survival. To forget this is to court Enforced Stupidity.

I stretch the Tenth Step into service inventory: Am I still approachable? Still willing? Still giving what was once given to me?

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Endigar 1050

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 1:

Suddenly I am aware of thoughts racing and crashing through my mind at an alarming speed — memories, broken promises, fears about the future, failed expectations of both myself and other people. This is a familiar chaos and one that I can now recognize. It is a signal that my life has, for the time being, become unmanageable.

At such a time, serenity is often just a phone call away. A simple acknowledgment of the chaos immediately diminishes it. I step back, step outside the madness, and all at once it washes away or scatters in all the myriad directions from which it came. The pieces of my chaos return to their proper places, where I can either leave them alone or choose to confront them one at a time.

Today’s Reminder

If problems arise today, I will try to acknowledge them — and then put a little spiritual space between my problems and myself. If I can share about them with another person, I will further diminish their power. Recognizing that my life is unmanageable is the first step toward managing it.

“When we bring things out into the light, they lose their power over us.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I admit my life becomes unmanageable. Sometimes suddenly, like a storm tearing through my skull. Sometimes subtly, like vines choking the Core. Thoughts collide, memories accuse, fears multiply. The storm pretends it is endless. But I know better: unmanageability is not doom. It is a marker on the map. Recognition itself shifts the ground.

The lesson is plain: chaos thrives in secrecy. When I hoard it, the swirl of fear and regret mutates into false identity. But when I name it — even whisper it to myself — “My life is unmanageable now,” I puncture the illusion of control. That naming is smashing the idol of my own secrecy. Chaos scatters back into fragments. Fragments can be faced. Fragments can be conquered.

Growth does not mean erasing chaos. Growth means social containment: forcing chaos into pieces too small to dominate me. The mystical edge is how quickly the storm collapses once named. Serenity is not manufactured. Serenity is revealed. It waits behind the noise, eclipsed but patient. One phone call. One word of honesty. One pause of breath. These are not trivialities. They are sacraments of a very personal spirituality.

To drag shadow into light is to strip it of false authority. That is the beginning of my negotiation with Truth. I trust that the light is stronger than secrecy. Chaos does not need annihilation in one blow. It needs to be disarmed, piece by piece, until it cannot enforce stupidity upon me.

I risk sharing what I would rather hide because secrecy is slavery. Light dissolves its power. When I bring chaos out, I discover it was never infinite. It scatters, weakens, and yields. Serenity is not absence of storm. Serenity is the deliberate spacing between storm and soul.

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Endigar 1049

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 30:

Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been given a lifetime to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail — and in which the failures, as well as the successes, point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation — getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures — I can try a different, more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gift this day can be and make full use of it.

Today’s Reminder

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life — stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I’ll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.

“Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.” ~ Alcoholism, the Family Disease

END OF QUOTE—————————————

What if my life is not a courtroom, chained to judgment, but a laboratory sharpened with fire? Not a place of accusation, but of experiment. I am not on trial — I am the researcher. Shame’s jagged terrain is dissolved into data. Every flaw I uncover — negativity, resistance, avoidance — is not doom. It is raw material. Each error is not a sentence. It is an opportunity to recalibrate the compass that guards My Story.

Change is not spectacle. It is not sweeping gestures for applause. Change is forged in substitutions so small they vanish unless I guard them:

  • The moment I refuse to snap back.
  • The second I rise without rehearsing defeat.
  • The pause before I spit on authority as enemy.

Each act is data. Each data point is Self-Patriotism. Failures do not condemn me. They redirect the inquiry. Success does not crown me. It keeps the lab lights burning. The pattern is relentless: learn, adjust, grow.

Even the smallest changes carry mystical force. To pause in a garden, to hear laughter, to risk a new act — these are not trifles. They are sacraments of Presence. They are not trivial; I know better. They are revelations hidden in the ordinary, liturgies of personal spirituality: God speaking through the simple, through the small.

The framework clarifies: Today is the laboratory. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. Today is My field of trial and error, where each action is tested against the the ideal of Self manifestation. What matters is not perfect conclusions. What matters is participation — the act of trying again.

I extend patience to myself as I would to a child soldiering through the first lessons of survival. Each attempt recorded. Each reaction inventoried. Each adjustment forged into Social Containment. I try new responses even when the crowd watches, even when shame orders me to hide.

My life is not a final exam. It is the ongoing experiment. I admit my patterns, even when they are stubborn and ugly. I allow failure to teach me rather than silence me. I am not waiting for judgment. I am manufacturing freedom. Every day grants me permission to fail, permission to learn, permission to grow. This permission is not weakness. It is assertion — granted not by gods of murder, but by the Higher Power who asks only for my willingness.

This is not court. This is laboratory. This is My Story.

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Endigar 1046

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 27:

“If only I had infinite wisdom,” I secretly think. “If only I could see everything before me, a clear path, the knowledge of how I must spend each moment of life!” But in meeting after meeting in Al-Anon I am reminded that I can only work with what I have today. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. What’s more, I am probably better off not knowing. If I knew what was coming, I suspect that I would spend all my time trying to run from painful experiences instead of living. I would miss out on so much great stuff.

I can trust my Higher Power to lead me through this day so that I will be prepared for the future when it arrives and able to work with whatever it brings. This leaves me time to enjoy the many gifts life has to offer, time that would otherwise be spent worrying.

Today’s Reminder

An old maxim says, “It’ll shine when it shines.” If I am willing to listen, I will receive all the information I need when the time is right. “Just for Today” I will know that I’m in good hands.

“Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.” ~ Just for Today

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I admit that I want control of the future. My mind howls for the full map, the infinite foresight that promises safety. In my prayer, I sometimes treat my Higher Power as a milk cow, trying to squeeze a supernatural blueprint to assuage my fear of the unknown. But I confess: such knowledge would corrupt me, enslave me, strip me of the fierce originality of My Story. If I were given tomorrow in advance, I might become a coward of my own life—running from valleys of pain, missing hidden meadows of joy. The lie of certainty kills the vitality of risk.

So, I stay with today, even when tomorrow screams for attention like a tyrant demanding tribute. Just for Today becomes more than a slogan—it becomes intelligent Self–Patriotism: a battle cry to keep my sovereignty in the present moment. To live this day is not passivity; it is strategy. It spares me from the tyranny of catastrophizing and frees the energy that would otherwise be wasted begging for a prophecy I cannot use.

What might I discover if I stop demanding answers and start listening for timing? I no longer beg. Begging is contamination. I receive the lantern-light of My Higher Power, not a floodlight of false omniscience. God does not bribe Me with full knowledge; He grants just enough illumination for the next indicated step. Silence becomes My Freedom, the Core that is Quiet.

Growth is not in anticipation of every storm but in learning how to walk in the rain without running for cover. My framework is sharpened: I do not need infinite wisdom; I need willingness. I do not need the whole plan; I need the next mile-marker. The horizon is not my inheritance. The present is.

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Endigar 1043

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 24:

An Al-Anon friend says, ”I have a tendency to think of my experience with alcoholism as an epic, technicolor movie, an extravaganza with my name in lights on the marquee, but it’s not really like that. It’s really just home movies.” From time to time I have shared my friend’s exaggerated vision, though of course when I did, the name in lights was my own.

I came to this program with a story to tell that seemed to splash across every inch of a very wide screen. I told it and told it, until one day I noticed that I was sitting in a room with others, showing home movies.

Today I feel happy to be there as part of the show, but my role has changed. I am no longer the martyr, bravely sacrificing myself to the cold, cruel world of melodrama. Realism has taken over. My role is important, but not unique, and I don’t expect to see it in lights.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon has given me an opportunity to share my home movies with others. My situation is neither the best nor the worst. Although I am unique in some ways, I am more like others than I ever suspected. I will appreciate this sense of fellowship today.

“…as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.” ~ Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My life is not a technicolor epic; it is a series of “home movies” stitched into a patchwork of humanity. To inflate myself as the tragic hero is another disguise for fear. This does not mean shrinking into silence or timidity. My refusal to exaggerate is not weakness but strength. The raw voice of my ethos depends on reality, not on melodrama. It is because I am no longer the martyr that I can speak plainly, iconoclastically, with the defiance of one who no longer needs to perform.

I can step out of the spotlight and discover freedom in not being the centerpiece. When I reject the addiction to applause or victimhood, I recover the purest form of rebellion: living my truth without needing a stage. My freedom is not a reaction against others—it is my refusal to live as their puppet. I refuse to be consumed by performance, or by the crowd’s gaze. I stand rooted, blood-bound to truth.

When I stop inflating my problems into epics, they lose their power to dominate me. I see myself as part of a chorus. The chorus is not a diminishment but a revelation. It is a field of voices, a battlefield of mythologies, and my voice enters as one among many, sharpened and unafraid. I claim my individuality not by towering over others, but by standing beside them, fully seen, fully heard.

I do not need to be the martyr or the hero, but neither will I be erased. My freedom is not in the spotlight nor in the shadows—it is in the refusal to live falsely.

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Endigar 1042

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 23:

One of my character defects is to respond in kind to behavior that is directed at me – to react to insults with more insults, to rudeness with rudeness. I never thought to act any other way until I began traveling to work with a long-time member of Al-Anon. Each day, when my friend would stop to buy the morning paper, the person behind the counter was surly and hostile. No matter how rudely she was treated, my friend consistently behaved with courtesy. I was outraged! Doesn’t Al-Anon tell us we don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior? Finally I asked her about it.

She told me that, since this is the only newsstand around, she would rather detach from the behavior than do without her morning paper. She explained that she is powerless over other people’s attitudes, but she doesn’t have to permit them to goad her into lowering her own standards for herself. To the best of her ability, she chooses to treat everyone she meets with courtesy. Other people are free to make whatever choices they prefer.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will “Let It Begin with Me.” I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; I can begin by refusing to accept it from myself. I can choose to behave courteously and with dignity.

My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I admit that revenge never satisfied me—it just poisoned me deeper. I do want to keep showing up to practice a new response, even when the old one whispers loudly. Is it possible to choose courtesy even when it’s misunderstood as weakness? What happens if I don’t retaliate? Can dignity be its own reward? I pause, breathe, and pray before answering building distance between stimulus and response.

The skill of freedom developed in recovery isn’t about fixing rudeness in the world; it’s about unfastening the hook it sets in my heart. My Higher Power invites me to stop mirroring chaos and instead become a mirror of grace. Sometimes that means silence, sometimes courtesy, sometimes walking away—but always grounded in the truth that my reactions do not own me.

Al-Anon gives me practical tools to live this out. Detachment with love. Let It Begin with Me. These aren’t slogans for the wall—they are keys to unshackling my spirit. My independence doesn’t come from confrontation or withdrawal. It comes from the daily practice of aligning my attitudes with recovery, not with resentment. Freedom, I discover, is not rebellion—it is responsibility for my own inner weather. That was new to me: strength defined not by control over others, but by stewardship of my own spirit.

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Endigar 1035

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 18:

When I am troubled about what lies ahead, I look back to see where I’ve been. When I was very new to the program, I would say, “I’m better off now than I was before I came to Al-Anon. I’ll keep coming back.” When I grew frustrated because of all the changes I wanted to make in myself, I said, “At least I’m aware of the problems. Now I know what I’m dealing with.” And recently I found myself saying, “If someone had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I wouldn’t have believed it possible.”

Time offers me evidence that the Al-Anon program works — I can see the growth in my life. The longer I live by these principles, the more evidence I have. This reinforcement provides strong support in times of doubt and helps boost my courage in times of fear.

Today’s Reminder

When I feel unable to move, or when I am filled with fear, I have a wonderful gift to help clear my way – the gift of memory. Too often my memory has given me sadness, bringing back past hurt and shame. But now I can use my memory to see the progress I have made and to know the joy of gratitude. My own experience is teaching me to trust this wonderful recovery process. All I have to do is pay attention.

“God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December.” – James M. Barrie

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Sir James Matthew Barrie (1860–1937) was a Scottish novelist and playwright, best known as the creator of Peter Pan, “the boy who wouldn’t grow up.”

  • Origins: Born in Kirriemuir, Angus, Scotland; studied at the University of Edinburgh; began as a journalist and novelist.
  • Major works: Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up (1904 play), the novel Peter and Wendy (1911), and other popular plays such as The Admirable Crichton (1902), Quality Street (1901), and What Every Woman Knows (1908).
  • Inspiration: Peter Pan grew from Barrie’s close friendship with the Llewelyn Davies boys, whom he later helped raise after their parents died.
  • Honors: Created a baronet (1913) and appointed to the Order of Merit (1922); later served as Chancellor of the University of Edinburgh.
  • Legacy: In 1929 he gifted the copyright of Peter Pan to London’s Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, a bequest uniquely protected in UK law so the hospital benefits in perpetuity.

He died in London on 19 June 1937 and is buried in Kirriemuir.

END OF NOTE—————————————

I had an enemy that dwelt in my memories. I called it the black void. Until recently, it carried an unknown shame and a hunger to be more than what I am. Experiences are not thread together by time, but by memory. This is the library of our partially chewed facts and lurking emotions narrated by imagination. And I see him, the child that was, looking at me, concerned, holding a little golden container, ridged on top, and unopened. When my past self and me learned to trust one another, I take the small golden container and open. A key. It is the ownership of my own life.

Sometimes memories carry the jagged edges of shame, the evidence of failure, the replay of hurts that never seemed to fade. But recovery is teaching me to handle memory differently—not as a whip, but as a lantern. When fear closes in on me about the future, I can turn that lantern backward and see the path I’ve already walked. And there it is—progress, undeniable. Each mile marker testifies: I’ve survived, I’ve grown, I’ve changed.

Early on, progress looked small: simply being better off than before, or becoming aware of my problems rather than lost in them. Later, I found myself astonished at how far I had come. Memory, in this light, becomes a treasury rather than a trap. My experiences shift from burdens to proof that this program works. Even my struggles, once I’ve walked through them, become evidence that courage and healing are possible.

Memory is mystical in this way: it is the same faculty that can torment me or console me, depending on how I hold it. In the hands of fear, it drags me backward. In the hands of gratitude, it pulls me forward. My Higher Power reclaims memory as a sacred tool, turning old sorrow into new courage. This is where the spiritual recovery tool of a gratitude list is a helpful practice. I admit my fear of the future, but I bring memory as evidence against despair. I use my own progress as proof that more is possible. And I wonder how memory itself can be a Higher Power’s gift. My story becomes a light for others when I share it. I intentionally turn memory toward gratitude, not shame and I testify in meetings about how far I’ve come, not only how far I must go.

Memory is not a prison; it is a map of grace unfolding.

When I feel paralyzed, I can pause and ask:

  • What progress have I already made?
  • What evidence does my own story give me that I can trust this process?
  • How can gratitude transform what memory is showing me today?

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Endigar 1028

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 13:

Each moment of this day is precious, and I will make it count. I will use this time to enrich my life and to improve my relationship with my Higher Power, other people, and myself. Each of the Twelve Steps can help me to pursue this goal regardless of my circumstances. Meetings, Al-Anon telephone calls, and Al-Anon literature all help me to apply the Steps to what is happening in my life here and now. In this moment, I can make a positive change.

Perhaps I will think of time as a special kind of checking account. I have twenty-four hours to spend. By putting Al-Anon’s principles to work in my life today, I am choosing to use these hours to grow, enjoy, and improve. I even have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes, since a brand new twenty-four hours can begin at any moment.

Today’s Reminder

This day offers me a chance to make a new start at living. How can I make the best use of it?

“We start with gifts. Merit comes from what we make of them.”
– Jean Toomer

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Note: Jean Toomer (1894–1967) was an American writer, poet, and thinker best known for his 1923 book Cane, a groundbreaking work of modernist literature that blends poetry, prose, and drama.

Background

  • He was born in Washington, D.C., into a mixed-race family and grew up moving between Negro and Caucasian communities, which deeply shaped his outlook on identity.
  • Toomer resisted being categorized strictly by race. Though associated with the Harlem Renaissance, he did not fully embrace the label of “Negro writer,” instead seeing himself as an American author exploring universal human themes.

Cane (1923)

  • Cane is his most famous work, often considered one of the masterpieces of the Harlem Renaissance.
  • It weaves together vignettes, poems, and sketches of Negro life in both the rural South and the urban North, portraying themes of identity, sexuality, spirituality, and the Great Migration.
  • Its experimental style—mixing lyricism, folklore, and modernist fragmentation—made it unique for its time.

Later Life

  • After Cane, Toomer never published another major literary work, though he wrote essays, plays, and unpublished manuscripts.
  • He became involved with spiritual movements, particularly the teachings of the mystic George Gurdjieff, which influenced his later writings and personal philosophy.
  • He married Margery Latimer, a white writer, in 1931, which was controversial in the U.S. due to anti-miscegenation attitudes and laws.
  • Much of his later life was devoted to spiritual seeking and private writing rather than public literary activity.

Legacy

He is remembered as a bridge figure between different identities, artistic movements, and cultural currents of early 20th-century America.

Though he distanced himself from being labeled a “Black writer,” his desire was ignored and now his work—especially Cane—is recognized as central to African American literature and modernist experimentation. It is more the work of American individualism than racial Darwinist competition.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There are roughly 37 trillion cells in my body. Within just one of those cells resides a molecule: L43NxB500325Ydπ. And within that molecule, housed deep inside a neutron, lies the Quantum Infinity Vault. Its emblem is the macro/micro infinity ouroboros — the eternal cycle of vast and small, endlessly entwined.

The code to open this vault is 23(3), which summons 24. When opened, the vault releases an inexhaustible supply of positive selfishness (ps). A pulsating dose of ps moves through my body each day. If I fail to use it within the 24-hour span of Earth’s rotation, it decays into the maggot-filled manna of fearful isolation. But if I spend it freely — if I feed the hungry Sun — it transforms into connection, filling my day with living tools of recovery.

For when I have enough ps to proclaim, “I want to live” or “I want to recreate my life”, then I also find:

  • the courage to connect,
  • the humility to listen to other versions of success, and
  • the deep, restoring respiration of serenity.

Long live molecule L43NxB500325Ydπ!

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Endigar 1024

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 09:

Sometimes I sit in a meeting and I don’t know how to ask for help. I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don’t move, it will go away. So I don’t ask, I don’t talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm? Don’t be fooled. I’m just afraid to let you see the truth. You might think I’m foolish or weak. You might reject me. So I don’t talk, and the pain remains.

But I listen. And through other people, my Higher Power does for me what I can’t do for myself. Someone in the meeting shares and expresses the very feelings I am afraid to describe. My world suddenly widens, and I feel a little safer. I am no longer alone.

Today’s Reminder

One of the miracles I have found in Al-Anon is that help often comes when I most need it. When I can’t bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me. When I don’t know what to say, I am given the words I require. And when I share what is in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own. Today I have a Higher Power who knows my needs.

“As I walk, As I walk, The universe is walking with me.” – from the Navajo rain dance ceremony

END OF QUOTE—————————————

To withdraw or not to withdraw—that is the question. Life among humans can feel unbearably taxing, threatening, and disappointing. There’s no escaping that imagined spotlight fixed on my weaknesses, and no connection that fully satisfies my longing for something more.

I suspect others feel much the same. I also suspect that much of life is pretense—a kind of protective ritual. Whenever I encounter genuine connection in a safe space, it feels like a godsend. But inevitably, humanity finds a way to wound the inner child. And in the game of life, the safest place often seems to be the sidelines.

I know that silence can feel like safety. In my darker seasons, I’ve sat in meetings with my insides in knots and my face arranged in calm, thinking the stillness might somehow hide my storm. I’ve feared that if I spoke, I would be exposed—my weakness on full display, my worth put on trial. I’ve told myself, Just keep quiet. It will pass.

It rarely passes on its own. Pain that is swallowed whole only seems to grow heavier. But even when I can’t make my voice work, recovery has a way of finding me. I’ve sat frozen, and then someone across the circle shares a story that sounds like my story. Their words become the key I didn’t know I was holding. In that moment, the tight walls of my solitude widen, and light seeps in.

This is one of the miracles of our rooms: I don’t have to be the one speaking to be reached. My Higher Power uses the voices of others when I’ve lost my own. And when I finally dare to share my truth—halting, messy, imperfect—I sometimes see the same relief in someone else’s eyes.

Today, I am trying not to measure my recovery by how much I speak, but by how willing I am to be present—whether I’m the one carrying the message or the one being carried by it. I trust that the God of my understanding knows my needs, even when my mouth is closed and my hands are clenched.

When I cannot ask for help, I can still sit in the circle. Sometimes that’s enough for help to find me.

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Endigar 1020

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 06:

A writer for a local newspaper recently maintained that most people spend more time planning vacations than they do thinking about what is really important in their lives. Of course a vacation has a certain importance, but as our slogan asks, “How Important Is It?”

In my case, the main focus of my mental activity usually is whatever problem, grievance, or irritation I am entertaining at the moment. “Now,” I tell myself, “I’m concentrating on what’s really important!” But, how important is it? When I look back on this two years from now, or next month, will it matter?

Al-Anon helps me to address the larger concerns in my life. For example, how can I make better contact with my Higher Power? Am I taking time to enjoy the present moment? Am I becoming the person I want to be? What can I give thanks for today?

Today’s Reminder

Are my priorities in order? Am I so busy with smaller, less meaningful concerns that I run out of time for the really important considerations? Today I will make room to think about what really matters.

“Today I’ll use the slogan, ‘How Important Is It?’ It will help me think things through before I act and it will give me a better picture of just what is important in my life.” – Alateen—a day at a time

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE TO SELF THAT YOU MIGHT BENEFIT FROM: Reread Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

One of the things I learned when I was first learning to use a firearm was that human beings have a natural instinct to flinch into retreat or freeze in place at the sound of the sudden loud noise or something moving very quickly toward the face. The sound of the shot and the push of the recoil tend to activate this reaction. It takes frequent, consistent exposure to overwrite this natural survival instinct and use the weapon with confidence.

Life has a way of filtering the frivolous by continuously challenging a chosen activity with easy escapism. This is yet another fear response to help survive the demands of my environment. Life asks “How important is your choice. Do you really want it?” If I answer yes, life laughs in my face. If I answer no, it haunts me with the truth. “I don’t believe you.” I must answer “Hell yeah!” to the important things of my life. Then the spiritual atmosphere seems to reinforce my choice.

And here’s the hard-won truth: not everything deserves my “Hell yeah.”

This program taught me the cost of my yes is measured in attention, time, surrender, and service. That makes my no sacred, too. It’s not selfish to say no—it’s spiritual clarity. Because if I say yes to every loud thing, I miss the still, small voice.

So today, I ask:

– What am I flinching from?
– What have I been whispering “maybe” to when my soul already knows the answer?
– Where is my “Hell yeah” waiting, buried under fear?

I don’t have to bulldoze over my survival instincts, but I can retrain them. I can honor the inner reflex, even as I outgrow it. And when I choose what truly matters—when I stay with it—I become someone life starts to believe in too.

Because the universe, like recovery, respects commitment. And a heart that says Hell yeah with humility and clarity is a heart that moves mountains.

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