Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

This brought me to the good healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power – that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God.  (As Bill Sees It, page 114)

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually, this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

END OF QUOTE

———————————————

I am not good with acceptance.  Over and over I have discovered this.  It is almost a running joke that I have acceptance issues.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

I used to believe that you could be anything you wanted to be, if you set your mind to it.  The flip side of that is that if I did not achieve ‘whatever,’ then I had a weak mind and cowardly heart.  This helped lay the groundwork for seeing myself either as the potential savior of all or a waste of human flesh.

I know that there are some things I have chosen to pursue that are a waste of time and life energy.  I need to be able to let go and accept the path that the Spirit of the Universe reveals to me.

Someone whose voice I hear deeply challenged my understanding and usage of the word MYTHOLOGY.  In her mind,  it is akin to a fairy tale, a contrived fiction, or a cultural fantasy.  Its denotation does not allow it to be presented as reality or have any real relationship to fact.

The dictionary seems to be in full agreement with her.   Yet when I explore quotes about mythology, there are connotations of something far more significant.  Oliver Taplin, in comparing Freud and Jung, said the following;

Freud was, in effect, trying to take the mystery out of myth. Once it was decoded as a history of the unconscious, all was explain ed. As Anthony Storr put it: “he was only happy when he was reducing things to the lowest common factor; and he did regard the unconscious as primarily the repository of bits of oneself that one couldn’t accept.” A very different way of looking at the psychology of myth was developed by Freud’s one-time friend and colleague Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961). The fundamental difference between the two is immediately apparent in Jung’s dictum that modern man is faced with “the necessity of rediscovering the life of the spirit.” Jung, who was very interested in archaeology and thought of himself as excavating the mind, took myths to represent the inmost thoughts and feelings of the human race, patterns which are the product of inherited brain patterns

It is important to me that I am as clear as possible in my communication, and so I wish for those who read to understand what I am saying.

For me, when I use the word mythology, I am incorporating the following ideas;

1.  Creative Story Writing to capture elusive or paradoxical concepts and express them with the simplest clarity possible.

2.  Spiritual Hypothesis Testing to explore incoming evidence and ongoing experience with life beyond the organic veil.

3.  Establishes a Peace Treaty with the swirling chaos and mystery of our environment.

4.  Pragmatic Inspiration for the living of our individual mortal lives.

Gomu is a God of my understanding.  For me, my working mythology as I have defined it here supports my connection with Gomu.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion — well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.   (As Bill Sees It, page 263)

Fear has caused suffering when I could have had more faith. There are times when fear suddenly tears me apart, just when I’m experiencing feelings of joy, happiness and a lightness of heart. Faith — and a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power — helps me endure tragedy and ecstasy. When I choose to give all of my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————————–

I think it is a mistake to apply an emotional litmus test to the quality of my life.  The fear flag in my gut could be accurately warning me of imminent danger.  It makes no sense to attempt to eliminate a primal emotion that has aided in the survival of my species.  The silencing of emotion to gain control and power in my life is a typical strategy of my psyche when my alcoholism is active.

I seek freedom from fear as a dominating force in my life.  As a servant it has value, but as a master it will ruin me.  I must learn how to process my fears without becoming enslaved by them.

Fear that appears to have no true source or that exaggerates a threat or points to an imaginary one are the most useful to me as a recovering alcoholic.  I believe these fears point out times and issues that separate me from the realm of the Spirit.  When I realized that being separated from my Higher Power is a legitimate threat, then my fear list from the moral inventory becomes a practical guide to ways I can improve my conscious contact with Gomu (God of my understanding).

For me, faith is an intuitive knowing that accumulates evidence after or while performing action.   My goal is not to master my fears as much as it is to feed my faith at the expense of my fears.  In this way fear becomes a great servant leading me to the power of faith.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.  (As Bill Sees It, page 61)

Most of my decisions were based on fear. Alcohol made life easier to face, but the time came when alcohol was no longer an alternative to fear. One of the greatest gifts in A.A. for me has been the courage to take action, which I can do with God’s help. After five years of sobriety I had to deal with a heavy dose of fear. God put the people in my life to help me do that and, through my working the Twelve Steps, I am becoming the whole person I wish to be and, for that, I am deeply grateful.

END OF QUOTE

————————————————–

I believe we humans are hybrid entities much like lichen, which is two separate species intertwined into one life form.  The organic human animal is intertwined with the energy based human spirit.  The human animal primarily feels two emotions in all their various manifestations; Fear and Lust.  The human spirit knows only Love.  It is the interplay between the primal and the spirit that gives us the complexities of our emotional spectrum and awareness of reality.

Fear is strongly linked to the survival of our animal selves and the ultimate solution needed to silence it is death.  So it is necessary for me to learn how to process my fears if I am going to remain alive in my hybrid state, which I count as a gift of the energy-spirit collective and my Gomu (God of my understanding).

Alcohol was a death potion that helped me to silence the animal fear and allowed my spirit to assert a disconnected self reliance.  This is how it made things easier for me.

In A.A., I learned to make human connections both with my fellow animals, and from the cloud of spirit energy source of which Gomu is the Infinite One.  A.A.’s principles and its design for living have helped me in developing my courage.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.   (A.A. Comes of Age, page 46)

A thousand beatings by John Barleycorn did not encourage me to admit defeat. I believed it was my moral obligation to conquer my “enemy-friend.” At my first A.A. meeting I was blessed with a feeling that it was all right to admit defeat to a disease which had nothing to do with my “moral fiber.” I knew instinctively that I was in the presence of a great love when I entered the doors of A.A. With no effort on my part, I became aware that to love myself was good and right, as God had intended. My feelings set me free, where my thoughts had held me in bondage. I am grateful.

END OF QUOTE

———————————————

I can not even begin to describe the sense of futility and the ever present misery of my life when I sought to be free from sin.  This reality existed before my alcoholism was ignited.  It was in this dehumanizing pursuit of purity that my separation from society was enhanced.  I worked to protect myself from the corruption within and without.  I isolated myself to appease a God that seemed to remain aloof.

That was one of my old self-destructive ways that I had to let go of if I was going to survive.

I was given, instead, the realization that my alcoholism is a disease.  After a certain point in the disease’s development, my brain will not override the primal tap of that alcoholic sensation.  My will and intent are eroded and finally collapse in on my infected mind.

Sin justifies death.  Disease embraces a cure.  That is the simple formula for me.  This new paradigm allows me to look into healing mirrors rather than prison reflections to evaluate the worth of my life.  I needed help, not divine jurisprudence.  My fellow humans are not contaminants; they are life saving connections.

My old step program:

1.  I admitted that I am powerless over sin – my life has become pathetically worthless.

2. Came to believe that a pure and holy God could transform me to his perfection.

3. Made a decision to enact self-death rituals to be mystically possessed and replaced by the spirit of His martyred Son.

4.  Rinse and repeat until perfectly holy.

I am no longer stuck in that infinite loop because of the saving heresy of the disease concept.  I am grateful to the God of my understanding and to the 12 step program of AA.  That God desires an intimate connection with me as we walk out progress and discard perfection.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . if only men were granted absolute liberty, and were compelled to obey no one, they would then voluntarily associate themselves in the common interest.  (As Bill Sees It, page 50)

When I no longer live under the dictates of another or of alcohol, I live in a new freedom. When I release the past and all the excess baggage I have carried for so very long, I come to know freedom. I have been introduced into a life and a fellowship of freedom. The Steps are a “recommended” way of finding a new life, there are no commands or dictates in A.A. I am free to serve from desire rather than decree. There is the understanding that I will benefit from the growth of other members and I take what I learn and bring it back to the group. The “common welfare” finds room to grow in the society of personal freedom.

END OF QUOTE

———————————————-

The ideals of a benign anarchy have been achieved in A.A. because of the threat of an alcoholic tyranny ready to recapture its former citizens.  There may be no dictates or commands in A.A., but there are plenty of life and death scenarios that keep our wagons circled.  The recommendations are not just good ideas, they are tips for survival.  The paradox of keeping only what I am able to give away is the initial shove to help others.  We are not naturally altruistic.

The magic comes when this community of anarchist refugees connect to a Power greater than themselves and we are transformed.  Individual freedom becomes a channel for connection and personal empowerment.  I then begin to reach out to others because its what I want to do.  My life can then be apart of bringing the Benign to whatever governing structure I find myself in; anarchy, democracy, or tyranny.

The goal is not improved government, but transformation that makes government obsolete.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. . . search diligently within yourself. . . . With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55)

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of A.A. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the A.A. program. By coming to meetings, staying sober, and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness to the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. In this process, I met my God, as I understand Him.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————

I carve out a time when I awaken to meet with my Higher Power.  Often I approach with a belly full of anxiety.  I try to milk God for the blueprints of conquest for the day.  I get nothing.  So, I learn to make the carved out time say simply that “I desire to do Your will.”  If  He or She tells me, I am accountable to that word.  If God is silent, I am accountable to what I have last heard.  If that is not available to me, I am accountable to the next right thing spelled out in recovery and the principles of the steps.

I believe that as I make a habit of carving out time for just Gomu (God of my understanding) and I, that space will not remain void.  Eventually, I will approach in trust that both silence or inspiration can be filled with the presence of a loving God.  I am not alone.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

Open-mindedness to concepts of a Higher Power can open doors to the spirit. Often I find the human spirit in various dogmas and faiths. I can be spiritual in the sharing of myself. The sharing of self joins me to the human race and brings me closer to God, as I understand Him.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————————

This is one of the saving heresies of A.A. for me.

“But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is straitened and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it.”  ~ Matthew 7:14, Amplified Version of the Bible.

The above passage from the Big Book and the traditional interpretation of the above Christian scripture seem to be at odds.  It was such a relief to me to drop the “us and them” and the “us against the world” and the “God is going to lovingly and eternally fry most of His objects of love.”

I have witnessed the miraculous transformation of people who violated and continue to violate Churchian dogma in the rooms of AA.  It is as if God didn’t get the memo on exclusion of those who chose differing spiritual paths.

This helped me to know that there was a difference between the God who loves me and my individual expression of humanity and the Churchian deity that I believed was chiseled into existence by those highly invested in social control.

I had to develop the skill to lie to myself in order to continuing drinking when I knew it to be self-destructive.  I wonder if I first practiced that skill in church in a co-dependent attempt to justify and enable a sociopath god bent on  criminalizing humanity.

Just a note to those who have found their spiritual path in centralized religion, who find a beautiful portrayal of a loving God in their church, temple, or mosque;  I am for you.  I do not want you to turn away from that which works for you, but I do want you to desire the same thing for me.  I want you to reciprocate my tolerance and compassion.

This reminds me of the story of The Blind Men and the Elephant;

===================

Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, “Hey, there is an elephant in the village today.”

They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, “Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway.” All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.

“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.

“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.

“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, “What is the matter?” They said, “We cannot agree to what the elephant is like.” Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, “All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said.”

“Oh!” everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.

Primary Source [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“. . .You can . . . make A.A. itself your ‘higher power.’ Here’s a very large group of people who have solved their alcohol problem. . . . many members . . . have crossed the threshold just this way. . . . their faith broadened and deepened. . . . transformed, they came to believe in a Higher Power. . . .”   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 27-28)

No one was greater than I, at least in my eyes, when I was drinking. Nevertheless, I couldn’t smile at myself in the mirror, so I came to A.A. where, with others, I heard talk of a Higher Power. I couldn’t accept the concept of a Higher Power because I believed God was cruel and unloving. In desperation I chose a table, a tree, then my A.A. group, as my Higher Power. Time passed, my life improved, and I began to wonder about this Higher Power. Gradually, with patience, humility and a lot of questions, I came to believe in God. Now my relationship with my Higher Power gives me the strength to live a happy, sober life.

END OF QUOTE

——————————————————

My first experience with God was the God-man Messiah know as Jesus that I learned about from parents and sporadic visits to Church.  I walked the aisle in a Baptist church to the crying song of “Just As I Am” at seven years old, and was baptized all in order to avoid Hell.  I was water baptized again as a teen to be transformed, to spiritually die and be reborn into something God would accept.  I was baptized a third time as a young adult Airman serving in the US Air Force.  This had a bit of prophecy that went with it and a commitment from me to set my life aside to live as whatever minister God so desired.  All attempts to find the ministry failed.  There were indeed magical things that happened along the way, but I never really felt accepted.  Finally I pushed my way into ordination and served as a minister at a small church for a short time.  The chaos storm of 2003 was brewing and would culminate in my renunciation of the ordination and a complete loss of faith in my ability to connect with God.  I found more demons than deity in church.

Finally, I was barely hanging on to a life in which there simply was no god.  This was my spiritual bottom.  I was already there when I found alcohol.

I determined to make my own rules and I was going to use alcohol and anything else I could find to make it happen.  Then, like my churchian god, alcohol turned out to be an abusive deity.  In this state of angry despair, I found and was found by A.A.

In the recovery fellowship I found enough protective heresies to keep my spirituality from being hijacked by centralized religion.  I found enough friendship to build a basic trust in humanity and thus I could trust their personal evidence of something out there that cares.   It was the God of AA that I finally connected to in a very real way.  I like to call him Gomu (God of my understanding).  It frees the Higher Power concept from connotations of doctrinal hoops that stand between God and I.

The group connection was a flesh and blood embrace by something that cares and something that was powerful.  From that spiritual reboot, I have a faith based on intuitive knowing and a pragmatic morality that leads to spiritual freedom.  Here are the names I have called my Gomu;

The Godfather, He makes an offer I cannot refuse.  Alcohol was His Guido to beat me into a state of reasonableness.  I had some respect for the mafia lore, so this sorta worked for a bit.

The Great Whatever.  An intimate female borrowed this from the author Robert Fulghum, and I borrowed it from her.

John.  Simple and associated with a small gospel given to me when I was hospitalized from alcoholic melt-down.  I needed something simple.  I needed a friend.  I began to see that my Higher Power was not trying to trap me, but talk me in off the ledge.

Spirit-Lover.  When I began to see the third step prayer as something similar to a marriage covenant.  I desired something more intimate and binding.

GOMU (God of my understanding).  I developed this out of a sense of great gratitude to Ebby Thatcher for introducing Bill Wilson to the liberating and powerful concept of choosing a God of your own understanding.  It allows and encourages me to take responsibility for my own spiritual path.  Every time I use it now, it is with gratitude to my God.

There are many other names that cropped up along the way.  If I get too complicated in my approach, I strip it down to God or Gomu.

It all started when I began to trust AA with my spiritual development.

I found the wooden token design at the following site [ http://www.woodenurecover.com/Circle-and-Triangle-Welcome-Medallion_p_118708.html ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It is a design for living that works in rough going.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 15)

When I came to A.A., I realized that A.A. worked wonderfully to help keep me sober. But could it work on real life problems, not concerned with drinking? I had my doubts. After being sober for more than two years I got my answer. I lost my job, developed physical problems, my diabetic father lost a leg, and someone I loved left me for another — and all of this happened during a two-week period. Reality crashed in, yet A.A. was there to support, comfort, and strengthen me. The principles I had learned during my early days of sobriety became a mainstay of my life, for not only did I come through, but I never stopped being able to help newcomers. A.A. taught me not to be overwhelmed, but rather to accept and understand my life as it unfolded.

END OF QUOTE

————————————————

I have never really asked if the recovery program would help in non-alcohol related issues.  It seems like a legitimate question. I spend a lot of time in negative rumination trying to evade the paralyzing effects of depression.   It is my reaction to the day-to-day faucet dripping routine of life that I am learning to overcome right now.  I have used the program to try and keep my alcoholism out of the mix.

I experienced the post-marital apocalypse of 2003 prior to seeking and embracing the 12 step recovery program for my alcoholic enslavement.  So I have not had a major non-alcoholic related issue that I have applied the program to.  I suppose the time is coming  life doing what life does.

The contributor defines the success of his sobriety in dealing with the harsh blows of his life in the following ways;

He was able to receive help from A.A. in the form support, strength, and comfort.

(FELLOWSHIP PROVIDING SUPPORT NETWORK)

The principles he had learned in A.A. became a mainstay in his life, helping him not only to survive the tragic but to remain useful and able to help others.

(STEPWORK LEADING TO SPONSORSHIP AND SERVICE)

Ultimately A.A. taught him not to be overwhelmed but accept and understand his life as it unfolded.

(IMPROVED CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH HIGHER POWER LEADING TO SERENITY)

This is encouraging and a good measure for success in facing the chaos storms of life.  I hope to build my connection with the fellowship, Gomu (God of my understanding), and the principles of AA for the times of testing.