Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. . . . Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 70)

Why do I balk at the word “humility”? I am not humbling myself toward other people, but toward God, as I understand Him. Humility means “to show submissive respect,” and by being humble I realize I am not the center of the universe. When I was drinking, I was consumed by pride and self-centeredness. I felt the entire world revolved around me, that I was master of my destiny. Humility enables me to depend more on God to help me overcome obstacles, to help me with my own imperfections, so that I may grow spiritually. I must solve more difficult problems to increase my proficiency and, as I encounter life’s stumbling blocks, I must learn to overcome them through God’s help. Daily communion with God demonstrates my humility and provides me with the realization that an entity more powerful than I is willing to help me if I cease trying to play God myself.

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For me, humility is something I do within myself that has profound outward expressions.  I hunger for power and control over my world, but my isolated heart produces only powerlessness and a progressively unmanageable life.  God introduces me to truth which is the foundation of sanity.  I make an agreement to let God manage me while he continues to introduce me to my true self.  I embrace the courage necessary to become vulnerable to a small circle of trust.   God weeds the garden of my life so that which is truly me, that my Source planted in the beginning, can come out.

The real delusion for me is that there was ever a choice between humility and powerful lone wolf self expression.  Nothing in nature lives and prospers in isolation.  If I get a job, I humble my will to the expectations of an employer.  When I joined the military, I humbled myself to the fulfillment of mission.  When I camped in the forests, I humbled myself to the requirements of survival in the elements.  When I married, I humbled myself to the needs of intimacy.  The only real choice I have every been given is what I am going to humble myself to.

The inner work of humility produces an outer expression of respect for others and a trust in something that loves us and does magical things with those who chose to humble themselves to the requirements of intimacy with a Higher Power.  Let this humility have its completed work in me, and let it be demonstrated in my own usefulness to others.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than as something we must have.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Either the A.A. way of life becomes one of joy or I return to the darkness and despair of alcoholism. Joy comes to me when my attitude concerning God and humility turns to one of desire rather than of burden. The darkness in my life changes to radiant light when I arrive at the realization that being truthful and honest in dealing with my inventory results in my life being filled with serenity, freedom, and joy. Trust in my Higher Power deepens, and the flush of gratitude spreads through my being. I am convinced that being humble is being truthful and honest in dealing with myself and God. It is then that humility is something I “really want,” rather than being “something I must have.”

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There is a discipline that goes with being humble.  It is hard for me to keep to the protective rituals of the program without a vision of where I want to go.  Abstinence involves work necessary to put distance between me and the first drink.  In the beginning of my journey, humility looked religious and demanding.  Sobriety is the work necessary to make alcohol obsolete in my life.  My alcoholic delusions are replaced with visions of joy, radiant spiritual illumination, and being filled with serenity, freedom, and more joy.  The humility of abstinence is weighted by the burden of leaving my disease.  The humility of sobriety is the labor of love that draws me closer to God.  The tasks are the same; it is me that changes.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . when we have taken a square look at some of these defects, have discussed them with another, and have become willing to have them removed, our thinking about humility commences to have a wider meaning.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

When situations arise which destroy my serenity, pain often motivates me to ask God for clarity in seeing my part in the situation. Admitting my powerlessness, I humbly pray for acceptance. I try to see how my character defects contributed to the situation. Could I have been more patient? Was I intolerant? Did I insist on having my own way? Was I afraid? As my defects are revealed, I put self reliance aside and humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. The situation may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of placing my reliance in a power greater than myself.

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I have had problems with anxiety throughout my life, at least that which memory allows me to review.  It has always been like a continuous ringing in my ears and a meal that resists digestion and sits in my gut.  When I first went to treatment, I was prescribed the following familiar passage from the Big Book (page 417);

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake…I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

The last two times I performed the 4th step moral inventory two different sponsors told me I need to remember Rule 62; “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously,” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 149)

When I do get a feeling of serenity, I find myself trying to figure out what I did right.  Those times are generally marked by periods of trusting Gomu (God of my understanding).  I think my problem lies in the phrase from our Reflections contributor, the practice of exercising humility.

Nathaniel Branden wrote in The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, “A practice implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”

I am powerless to produce this way of behaving and being in my life.  I need a power greater than my fits and starts and crisis responses.  I need Gomu to be the God of my consistency.  I have hope that by recognizing the issue and asking for help, I will again experience the miracle of personal transformation.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 70)

The subject of humility is a difficult one. Humility is not thinking less of myself than I ought to; it is acknowledging that I do certain things well, it is accepting a compliment graciously.

God can only do for me what He can do through me. Humility is the result of knowing that God is the doer, not me. In the light of this awareness, how can I take pride in my accomplishments? I am an instrument and any work I seem to be doing is being done by God through me. I ask God on a daily basis to remove my shortcomings, in order that I may more freely go about my A.A. business of “love and service.”

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I have heard of three different kinds of humility while in the rooms of A.A.; Traumatic Humility, Religious Humility, and Connective Humility.

Traumatic humility is inflicted upon me because my isolating pride prevents me from open-minded considerations that might save or improve my life.

we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 48)

Religious humility is when I realize that my life was a threat not only to myself, but to all those who got too close to me.  I had often heard that sometimes the most spiritual thing I can do is to quit hurting people.  It allows us to see what MUST be done to stop the hurt and lay the groundwork for future transformation.

[ WE MUST…]

The most difficult and desired humility for me is that which develops the ability and habit of connecting to others who need my highest manifestation.  The times I have experienced it, I see the intrinsic value in others, not just their usefulness to my well-being.  Without arrogance, I recognize that I have something of value to contribute to the powerful stream of life which produces self-esteem and confidence and makes the mask of delusional pride unnecessary.  It becomes a natural desire to share what has been given to me when I surrender to the principles of this program and the guidance of my Gomu (God of my understanding).  I desire this as a way of life, not just on occasional event.  I know, progress not perfection.

“Carry this message to other alcoholics!  You can help when no one else can.  You can secure their confidence when others fail.  Remember they are very ill.  Life will take on new meaning.  To watch people recover, to see them help others. to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76)

When I finally asked God to remove those things blocking me from Him and the sunlight of the Spirit, I embarked on a journey more glorious than I ever imagined. I experienced a freedom from those characteristics that had me wrapped up in myself. Because of this humbling Step, I feel clean.

I am especially aware of this Step because I’m now able to be useful to God and to my fellows. I know that He has granted me strength to do His bidding and has prepared me for anyone, and anything, that comes my way today. I am truly in His hands, and I give thanks for the joy that I can be useful today.

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I started in the land of isolated self.  I moved out toward others and toward God, asking my Gomu (God of my understanding) to remove the blockades I had well-entrenched along the way.

My Creator,
I am now willing that You should have all of me,
good and bad.
I pray that You now remove from me
every single defect of character which stands in the way
of my usefulness to You and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here,
to do Your bidding.

Humility road leads through the purgatory of abstinence into the land over there, a place of completed sobriety, actual usefulness, and flooded by the Sunlight of the Spirit.

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you – until then”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76)

Peace is possible for me only when I let go of expectations. When I’m trapped in thoughts about what I want and what should be coming to me, I’m in a state of fear or anxious anticipation and this is not conducive to emotional sobriety. I must surrender – over and over – to the reality of my dependence on God, for then I find peace, gratitude and spiritual security.

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I think it is important to see the difference between experiencing fear and living in a state of fear.

“The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone.”

Under the state of fear I make demands and create overwhelming expectations.  When I experience fear and process it with the inventory, I can make a simple request to Gomu (God of my understanding), to those around me, for help in whatever form that needs to be.  I can connect without crushing or being crushed.

In this process my faith in myself, my Gomu, and my support fellowship grows.  The heart that can release fear can grow in faith, which is the mysterious knowing that invisible forces are working in my behalf.  Something out there gives a damn about us, and that is a good reason to let go.  Good enough for me, anyway.

We are in this together.  Be prospered in your path.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. . . .   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76)

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear. This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I see the self-centered, isolated fear as a vacuum sucking for power and finding little or none to meet life on life’s terms.  Those terms involve the inability to keep control of my environment.  It is the natural reaction to the realization that in many areas, I am powerless.  I am being retrained to look for a spiritual rather than a chemical remedy.

Fear can also be an opportunity to get to know my Higher Power.  It is a way that I get to know more about Gomu (God of my understanding) and the nature of our relationship.  Eventually, my fear list becomes a very specific faith list.  Fear of public performance introduces me to the God of public courage.  Fear of being misunderstood introduces me to the God of clear and accurate communication.

I believe that it is a spiritual maxim that I will become like that which a consistently focus on.  Obsessing over my fear gives me more reason to fear.  Meditating on the particulars of my simple faith causes me to naturally emulate my Higher Power.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. . . . Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all our activities.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 45, 85)

I hear talk of the “weak-willed” alcoholic, but I am one of the strongest-willed people on earth! I now know that my incredible strength of will is not enough to save my life. My problem is not one of “weakness,” but rather of direction. When I, without falsely diminishing myself, accept my honest limitations and turn to God’s guidance, my worst faults become my greatest assets. My strong will, rightly directed, keeps me working until the promises of the program become my daily reality.

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I have a particular interest in the Power to Will and the Power to Submit or Surrender.  I think they are opposite sides of the same coin.  An overwhelming law of balance in nature “suggests” that one power cannot increase without creating a corresponding hunger on the other side of that coin of human dynamics.  I suspect that if I desire to exercise my willpower in this universe, I will awaken an equally powerful desire to submit my will to something.   As an alcoholic, the exercise of my isolated willpower reinforced a hunger to bow to the tyranny of the bottle.   Now I use a willpower forged in human connection, and this creates a hunger to submit to a Higher Power that has my best interests at heart.  I willingly place the invisible collar around my neck and bend the knee, pursuing what I understand to be the will of Gomu (God of my understanding), because in this dynamic, my willpower in all other areas can become quite formidable without destroying me or others.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . deep down in every man, woman and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55)

I have seen the workings of the unseen God in A.A. rooms around the country. Miracles of recovery are everywhere in evidence. I now believe that God is in these rooms and in my heart. Today faith is as natural to me, a former agnostic, as breathing, eating and sleeping. The Twelve Steps have helped to change my life in many ways, but none is more effective than the acquisition of a Higher Power.

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An Inversion of today’s contribution from the Big Book;

. . . deep down in every aspect of God / Goddess is the fundamental idea of Humanity.  It may be obscured by the primal violence of exaggerated survival instincts, but in some form or other it is there.  For faith in a united human Power embraced within and a part of Myself, and the miraculous delegation of My power in human lives, are facts as old as God Myself.

There is an interplay between Gomu (God of my understanding) and myself that is so intimate I come to doubt that we are separate, and yet I see the workings of transformation aided by external interventions that help me to know, absolutely know, that the reality of the God concept is not my isolated possession.  The way in which Gomu finds a peculiar expression in every individual says that the Higher Power wants to draw close for an intimate interaction.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87)

Some say that experience is the best teacher, but I believe that experience is the only teacher. I have been able to learn of God’s love for me only by the experience of my dependence on that love. At first I could not be sure of His direction in my life, but now I see that if I am to be bold enough to ask for His guidance, I must act as if He has provided it. I frequently ask God to help me remember that He has a path for me.

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It is possible, I believe, to learn from the experience of others.  It takes empathy, humility, and getting tired of the painfully slow process of learning in isolation.

“Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 32)

“We, who are familiar with the symptoms, see large numbers of potential alcoholics among young people everywhere.  But try to get them to see it!”  [Footnote; True when this book was first published.  But a 2003 U.S. / Canada membership survey showed about one-twelfth of A.A.’s were thirty and under.]”

The high bottom phenomenon has developed in abstinence and can develop to produce the simple faith necessary to find the spirituality that makes us happily sober.

I do not want to have to test every aspect of this process if it is not necessary.  Many of us have suffered and fallen, and hopefully we can secure their experience for the group, and for ourselves.