Endigar 475 ~ Toward Peace and Serenity

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . when we have taken a square look at some of these defects, have discussed them with another, and have become willing to have them removed, our thinking about humility commences to have a wider meaning.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

When situations arise which destroy my serenity, pain often motivates me to ask God for clarity in seeing my part in the situation. Admitting my powerlessness, I humbly pray for acceptance. I try to see how my character defects contributed to the situation. Could I have been more patient? Was I intolerant? Did I insist on having my own way? Was I afraid? As my defects are revealed, I put self reliance aside and humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. The situation may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of placing my reliance in a power greater than myself.

END OF QUOTE

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I have had problems with anxiety throughout my life, at least that which memory allows me to review.  It has always been like a continuous ringing in my ears and a meal that resists digestion and sits in my gut.  When I first went to treatment, I was prescribed the following familiar passage from the Big Book (page 417);

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake…I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

The last two times I performed the 4th step moral inventory two different sponsors told me I need to remember Rule 62; “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously,” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 149)

When I do get a feeling of serenity, I find myself trying to figure out what I did right.  Those times are generally marked by periods of trusting Gomu (God of my understanding).  I think my problem lies in the phrase from our Reflections contributor, the practice of exercising humility.

Nathaniel Branden wrote in The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, “A practice implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”

I am powerless to produce this way of behaving and being in my life.  I need a power greater than my fits and starts and crisis responses.  I need Gomu to be the God of my consistency.  I have hope that by recognizing the issue and asking for help, I will again experience the miracle of personal transformation.

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