Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of February 1;

“. . . Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 27).

“Came to believe!” I gave lip service to my belief when I felt like it or when I thought it would look good. I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t believe He cared for me. I kept trying to change things I couldn’t change. Gradually, in disgust, I began to turn it all over, saying: “You’re so omnipotent, you take care of it.” He did. I began to receive answers to my deepest problems, sometimes at the most unusual times: driving to work, eating lunch, or when I was sound asleep. I realized that I hadn’t thought of those solutions — a Power greater than myself had given them to me. I came to believe.

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2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step two has a couple of bitter pills that I had to swallow when I started working the Steps. The first was the implication that on some level, I was insane, or if I desire to be more gentle with myself, I lacked sanity. The next bit of bad news to ingest was that my solution was wrapped up in recovering a trusting acknowledgement of a Power greater than myself.

My alcoholic insanity is different from the schizophrenic and his hallucinations.  Nevertheless, there is a disconnect from reality that I have constructed in order to keep using alcohol.  It is a necessary skill for me to learn to lie to myself in order to drink pathologically.  Further, I must believe my own self-deception to maintain my fatal attraction to the chemical alteration of my brain.  Then I must manipulate everyone around me to support this life of illusions.  As the consequences pile up the insanity becomes obvious to everyone, except me. I am usually the last to know how crazy my life has become.

For some people, finding and speaking the truth is a pretty good idea. For me, it is the path to sanity and it is easily lost. I have to fight to keep it every day, one day at a time.

The problem is compounded when I am dependent on my warped ego that is bent toward self-deception and so I need help that resides outside of my skull. The Power greater than me creates in me the ability to connect and thus delivers me from my isolating selfishness.  In that connection I can start the work of acquiring and keeping the truth. It is only necessary that I am willing to consider that there is something out there that is immensely and lovingly enveloping. For me, experiences begin to pile up to confirm the presence of something and these experiences have been outside of myself. That something takes a personal interest in my well-being.  The willingness to believe allowed me time to witness the appearance of that persistent presence.

“I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward the consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it-or my observation of it-is temporary?” ~ John Green (Fault in Our Stars)

From the Daily Reflections of January 31;

The unity of Alcoholics Anonymous is the most cherished quality our Society has. . . . We stay whole, or A.A. dies.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 129).

Our Traditions are key elements in the ego deflation process necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. The First Tradition reminds me not to take credit, or authority, for my recovery. Placing our common welfare first reminds me not to become a healer in this program; I am still one of the patients. Self-effacing elders built the ward. Without it, I doubt I would be alive. Without the group, few alcoholics would recover.

The active role in renewed surrender of will enables me to step aside from the need to dominate, the desire for recognition, both of which played so great a part in my active alcoholism. Deferring my personal desires for the greater good of group growth contributes toward A.A. unity that is central to all recovery. It helps me to remember that the whole is greater than the sum of all its parts.

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The necessity for ego deflation in the 12 Step program has been a difficult thing for me to grasp. It sounded like an approach that would enslave me to my depression and it was too similar to the self-castigation of churchianity to trust. The best I was able to give AA was a begrudging compliance.

And yet I know that this process is used in Buddhism, in the military, and in BDSM, which are systems I have some level of respect for. My days sequestered in the monastery of religious fear allowed me to grasp the difference between pride (which God did not like) and confidence (which God sought to inspire). I understand that to reap the benefits of a system, one must surrender. Compliance leads to self-deception. I know and have experienced this.  I know that to build something new and powerful, the present structure must be surrendered to destruction. I must break down and then build back up under the directed vision of my Higher Power.  This is the only way I know that I can achieve an alignment between my inner ego and that outer Ego of Gomu (God of my understanding).

Photo Credit:  Katie H.

From the Daily Reflections of January 30;

We are going to know a new freedom. . . .  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83).

Freedom for me is both freedom from and freedom to. The first freedom I enjoy is freedom from the slavery of alcohol. What a relief! Then I begin to experience freedom from fear — fear of people, of economic insecurity, of commitment, of failure, of rejection. Then I begin to enjoy freedom to — freedom to choose sobriety for today, freedom to be myself, freedom to express my opinion, to experience peace of mind, to love and be loved, and freedom to grow spiritually. But how can I achieve these freedoms? The Big Book clearly says that before I am halfway through making amends, I will begin to know a “new” freedom; not the old freedom of doing what I pleased, without regard to others, but the new freedom that allows fulfillment of the promises in my life. What a joy to be free!

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Most freedom is not given, it is taken. If it is a gift to you, then someone else’s blood was spilled to secure it. Freedom is not a natural state of existence. The living creatures around us are slaves to the need to feed, reproduce, and seek security. “Freedom from” is something only the top of the food chain becomes aware of and it is taken violently. The positive variate of liberty, “freedom to,” is a highly advanced experience that allows one to go beyond survival and contribute one’s self-actualization to the treasury of our collective consciousness. But it must be built on the negative variate of overcoming that which would consume us.

In AA we who have lived as prey to our Alcoholism have established a mutually beneficial connection with the God of our Understanding (GOMU). In this, God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. My Higher Power’s loving violence in my behalf secures the opportunity for me to experience the most advanced form of liberty. I pray that I make good use of it.

From the Daily Reflections of January 29;

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

To know that each newcomer with whom I share has the opportunity to experience the relief that I have found in this Fellowship fills me with joy and gratitude. I feel that all the things described in A.A. will come to pass for them, as they have for me, if they seize the opportunity and embrace the program fully.

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When I was still involved with churchianity,  the promise book fad became very popular. The logic was that if God had an active hand in writing the scriptures, then any promise inspired and recorded in the Holy Books would have supernatural potential when combined with the believer’s faith. My former wife and I would quote them over our children and home and journeys and any external challenges we would face. I have no way of knowing empirically if this magic worked.

I think it is more important to experience internal changes that warrant external prosperity. When my life takes on a new meaning, it is because I have changed my perspectives. Although people are recovering around me and others are helping one another, unless I change what I focus on I will not see it.  I have to change to become someone others desire to connect with. I have to hold their best interests to my heart and trust my Higher Power as I take social risks. If I promise to foster persistence, patience, and courage, then I become the fulfillment of promises rather than the desperate consumer of them.

From the Daily Reflections of January 28;

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have — the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124).

What a gift it is for me to realize that all those seemingly useless years were not wasted. The most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. In knowing the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with a loving and compassionate hand, and know that the grace of God is available to me.

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I have heard that it is not good to write while depressed.  Under the influence of that dark cloud I have typed some of my most radioactive words.  Yet it is writing that seems to suck the venom from my invisible wounds.  So, if some darkness seeps through today’s post, forgive me.

I have some wasted time in my past that was the result both of my alcoholism and my co-dependence.  My goal is to recycle the pain and failures of experience into . . . what?  A higher, more potent version of myself?  Stronger, more realistic relationships?  Something desirable for my fellow sufferers to emulate?  If I can process refuse into raw material for others to build with, then I have become useful.  That seems like it would be a good way to live and die.

From the Daily Reflections of January 27;

Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word “blame” from our speech and thought.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 47).

When I become willing to accept my own powerlessness, I begin to realize that blaming myself for all the trouble in my life can be an ego trip back into hopelessness. Asking for help and listening deeply to the messages inherent in the Steps and Traditions of the program make it possible to change those attitudes which delay my recovery. Before joining A.A., I had such a desire for approval from people in powerful positions that I was willing to sacrifice myself, and others, to gain a foothold in the world. I invariably came to grief. In the program I find true friends who love, understand, and care to help me learn the truth about myself. With the help of the Twelve Steps, I am able to build a better life, free of guilt and the need for self-justification.

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What happens when my guilt-o-meter is broken? What if I take responsibility for situations I have no control over?   I can see two possible strategies for coping with this self-manufactured burden.   I can try to intervene and fix people’s lives or I can develop a reflexive tendency to blame others to distract from my personal feelings of being inadequate. I will usually do a combination of the two.

The main quest in AA for me is to know the truth about myself and address my short-comings. I must become honest and accept only what I am responsible for and what guilt is actually my burden. I cannot be responsible for the way someone responds to my transgressions, only the transgressions themselves. Likewise I am responsible for how I respond to the offenses I suffer from others. It is my goal to make guilt and blame events to address and not lifestyle burdens to carry.

Image Source:  Still from 1986 movie, The Mission.

From the Daily Reflections of January 26;

Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 24)

I am an alcoholic. If I drink I will die. My, what power, energy, and emotion this simple statement generates in me! But it’s really all I need to know for today. Am I willing to stay alive today? Am I willing to stay sober today? Am I willing to ask for help and am I willing to be a help to another suffering alcoholic today? Have I discovered the fatal nature of my situation? What must I do, today, to stay sober?

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Alone and caught in introspective darkness, I turn off the hologram of life’s complexities and take a peak at the basic gridwork of my organic life. My time here on planet Earth is a game I play without knowing the rules. I see three default parameters to this game; Self, Sex, and Death. No matter how I play, I am wired to respond to these three basics. The Self parameter explores the internal scribbling of the Universe in me. The more attune I am to the awareness of my true Self, the better I will play this game. The Sex parameter pushes me to connect. It is the essence of all social constructs and all binding relationships, both organic-physical and energy-spiritual. The Death parameter prunes life of the frivolous and reinforces what I see as truly important. When I play the game badly, Self becomes isolating weakness, Sex becomes a destructive predator, and Death becomes a haunting source of fear. Alcoholism is a self-defeating cheat to the game.  As an alcoholic, I have to train myself to play the game better.

There are two other parameters that are not defaults but are responsive to my will. They are Spirit and Work. It is prerequisite to respond to the three default parameters before actualizing these two will parameters. Spirit is the exploration of my eternal state that lives on past my organic structure. Work is my investment into the organic collective of my species. How well I have mastered the three defaults will decide the nature of my impact on the organic collective, this beautiful nest for our eternal community, the invisible cloud surrounding us.

I do not fear the questions of this program. I want to play the game to the best of my ability. The recovery program of AA has given me the opportunity to live without looking for a self-defeating cheat.

From the Daily Reflections of January 25;

. . . A.A. is really saying to every serious drinker, “You are an A.A. member if you say so . . . nobody can keep you out.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 139).

For years, whenever I reflected on Tradition Three (“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking”), I thought it valuable only to newcomers. It was their guarantee that no one could bar them from A.A. Today I feel enduring gratitude for the spiritual development the Tradition has brought me. I don’t seek out people obviously different from myself. Tradition Three, concentrating on the one way I am similar to others, brought me to know and help every kind of alcoholic, just as they have helped me. Charlotte, the atheist, showed me higher standards of ethics and honor; Clay, of another race, taught me patience; Winslow, who is gay, led me by example into true compassion; Young Megan says that seeing me at meetings, sober thirty years, keeps her coming back. Tradition Three insured that we would get what we need — each other.

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I love this contribution to the Daily Reflections.  Tradition three gives me an ideal of spiritual freedom that moves away from the “us and them” dogma of my churchian days.  I too have gained much from individuals who would be damned and discarded by religious fear.  This is heresy to what I used to believe, but it is a saving heresy which has allowed me to connect with others.

From the Daily Reflections of January 24;

There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” . . . To be helpful is our only aim.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 88-89)

I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, “What can I do?” Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I’m involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who’s best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account — yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before.

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My ability to work is the most practical and helpful expression of my faith-filled connection with my Higher Power.  Once connected and guided through prayer and meditation, I see what form my work will take.  After it is offered into the Fellowship, I become aware of an interdependence in my human connection.  Our various forms of work responds to the various needs of the Fellowship.

There is a saying I picked up from my churchian days that I think is applicable here.  You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow.  It seems the trick is to develop a lifestyle of sowing or investing in others if you want to live in an environment that is giving and abundant.