Daily Reprieve

What does courage look like?  I have seen fear in my life.  It paralyzes me.  All decision-making becomes unbearable.  I find the need to calculate the exact nature of my Higher Power.  Sleep that brings an end to the day becomes dreaded executioner of my hopes and dreams.  I cling to the day in some fruitless attempt to overpower the limits of time. 

So I invert the colors of fear and see myself moving decisively, and effectively.  I am presented with a choice, and easily chose.  I know what my day is about.  I am comfortable with my Higher Power, with whatever intuitive inspiration comes my way.  I do not fret at the passing of time, for I have been exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to do. 

Courage takes serenity as his own prize, bound and gagged and ready to render pleasure to the Master.  Ooops.  Mind traveling in another direction.  A little Me time needed.

The twelfth step says:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have heard it asked in meetings, what principles exactly are we supposed to be practicing?  I just finished updating the prayers and promises page, and I think the principles are encapsulated in them.  I want to give credit to the following website for helping make this list of prayers more exhaustive.

[http://fellowship12.com/]

I will link them into this site as well.  See Fellowship 12.

Should I add Excellence as a value to possess?  I have been afraid that it would by like flames to the nitro-glycerin of the all or nothing thinking prevalent with the broken mind of an addict / alcoholic.  But my slave wears this value so well, it is truly seductive. 

And now that I think of it, shouldn’t sobriety be some sort of value, at the very top of my list?  Maybe predictability and punctuality would be some good sub-values.  When I was in the Army, there was an acronym – LDRSHIP – that identified army values.  Maybe another source of consideration.  I am listening to an audio course on planning.  Maybe planning should also be a value.

Yesterday, I picked up a new sponsee.  In My own meditations, I asked My Higher Power about another one, and the thought came to me that I needed to begin praying for his welfare prior to actually having contact with him.  And then within a few days, here he is.  It really works out good, since my first sponsee and I were doing a restart on the steps.  Now we are all pretty much in the same arena.

I was going to delete the previous two word post, but decided to keep it.  It is apart of the reality of sobriety for me.  This program talks much of making contact with a Higher Power.  Maybe because I am so good at making contact with the voice of my Lower Powers of personal fear and self-judgments.  The bad thing is that those brain rattling voices masquerade as the Higher Power.  When the serenity prayer speaks of “courage to change the things I can,” one of the things it is speaking of is how I respond to these Lower Powers in my life.

Forget it.

I have written a letter to my congressman in regards to … doesn’t matter.  Something I wish I did not have to deal with.  Boomerangs I guess.  I am struggling with this.  I have given it to my sponsor to look over and help me check my motives – insure that it is not just a matter of self justification or lashing out. 

In my youth, when I was more religious, and sought to appease a god who struggled to stay interested in me, I seriously considered self castration.  No longer concerned with my more base urgings, I could pursue the power of purity.  Such a being would never be ignored again.  Such a sacrifice would surely be honored in the heavenly realm were no phallus may enter.  We will be as the angels who do not marry.  Some have become eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.  If any member of your body offends, cut it off ~ better to be handicapped then to be denied entrance because of not being able to control yourself.  If a man even thinks about sexual activity, it is the same as if he has already done it. 

I thought that I should also seek the possibility of removing my eyes.  A blind eunuch would surely be an inspiration to the heavenly courts.  Such devotion and focus on eternal things, and such a disregard for the nasty temporary things that get shoved in our faces here on earth.

I was as much a theo-crack addict as I ever was an alcoholic.  I know because sometimes, when a drink seems like it might be a good idea, so does the idea of castration and self-inflected blindness.

I think my slave is also a theo-crack addict.  She has to fight it, to white knuckle it away with her own brand of defensive atheism.  But in the end, she has been taught well to hate her body, her creativeness, the expression of herself.  I should not speak for her.  Too simplistic.  Shooting off the top of the head.  I relate to this though.  I succeed at something, and I am depressed.  I create, and want to actively or passively destroy my work.  Sometimes I would just like to die rather than feel what I feel.  Alcohol was my brand of defensive atheism.  Is there recovery from the theo-crack addiction?

I shared at the meeting tonight.  It is disconcerting that I never know what is going to come out of my mouth, or if it is going to make sense to those who hear it.  But I discovered that the Higher Power in charge of the sharing seems to chose certain individuals to have the gold nugget, others to have reinforcing words, and others to ramble in some form of meandering panic.  The importance of the last group is that it allows others in the meeting realize that if that person can share and it be alright, why can’t I?  If everyone who opened their mouth was a practiced orator, it would be too intimidating of an atmosphere for most addicts / alchies to feel free to share.  Anyway, I am not going to risk the loss of sleep.  I am going to accept the limits of my few hours of wakefulness, and actually surrender.  Let’s see how that works.

It is amazing that getting a good night’s sleep changes my attitude so drastically!  Today was so much better.  Has it always had this impact?  I had heard that my past alcohol use could screw up my brains ability to produce serotonin, which has to do with the ability to sleep and our more positive feelings.  Anyway, I just got through eating at a Mexican restaurant, and I think I am ready for a nap.  Maybe I can get some more of that brain drug going.

Recovering from sleep deprivation again.  Cannot believe it has such an impact on me.  Going to bed.