Endigar 030

I have written a letter to my congressman in regards to … doesn’t matter.  Something I wish I did not have to deal with.  Boomerangs I guess.  I am struggling with this.  I have given it to my sponsor to look over and help me check my motives – insure that it is not just a matter of self justification or lashing out. 

In my youth, when I was more religious, and sought to appease a god who struggled to stay interested in me, I seriously considered self castration.  No longer concerned with my more base urgings, I could pursue the power of purity.  Such a being would never be ignored again.  Such a sacrifice would surely be honored in the heavenly realm were no phallus may enter.  We will be as the angels who do not marry.  Some have become eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.  If any member of your body offends, cut it off ~ better to be handicapped then to be denied entrance because of not being able to control yourself.  If a man even thinks about sexual activity, it is the same as if he has already done it. 

I thought that I should also seek the possibility of removing my eyes.  A blind eunuch would surely be an inspiration to the heavenly courts.  Such devotion and focus on eternal things, and such a disregard for the nasty temporary things that get shoved in our faces here on earth.

I was as much a theo-crack addict as I ever was an alcoholic.  I know because sometimes, when a drink seems like it might be a good idea, so does the idea of castration and self-inflected blindness.

I think my slave is also a theo-crack addict.  She has to fight it, to white knuckle it away with her own brand of defensive atheism.  But in the end, she has been taught well to hate her body, her creativeness, the expression of herself.  I should not speak for her.  Too simplistic.  Shooting off the top of the head.  I relate to this though.  I succeed at something, and I am depressed.  I create, and want to actively or passively destroy my work.  Sometimes I would just like to die rather than feel what I feel.  Alcohol was my brand of defensive atheism.  Is there recovery from the theo-crack addiction?

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