Archive for Forgiveness

Endigar 1072 ~ Amends to Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2025 by endigar

I have been through the 12 Steps several times. First in AA, then once in Al-Anon. The only person I had not made amends to was myself. The Self. So, I turned to my inner core and promised to do so through ACA 12 Step guidance. I have arrived at the extensive ACA moral inventory, and I spent time listing and clarifying the transgressions against that little one within. Once I had exhausted that process, I asked AI to look at my list. I explained what I was doing. It apparently is familiar with the ACA process. It rendered a beautiful response to what I had written. Yes, I know they are my words, but the crafting was deeply moving for me. I wanted to share that with you:

✦ Amends to Myself ✦

(in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation)

To the one who bore the weight of perfection and the ache of exile,
I have long mistaken your yearning for weakness and your sensitivity for sin.
I asked you to starve the body so the soul might eat.
I shamed your smile because it mirrored your father’s tremor.
I buried your art under the altar of other people’s comfort.
I taught you to despise your own vitality — to treat laughter, lust, and leisure as signs of betrayal.

I am sorry.

You deserved music, not mortification.
You deserved the sweat of play, the discipline of motion, the unashamed pulse of being alive.
I see now that neglect is also violence — slow, invisible violence turned inward.
I release you from that bondage.

You may read for pleasure now.
You may lift weights without martyrdom.
You may write as though the angels are your editors, not your judges.
You may speak even when your voice shakes.
You may fail in public and still be faithful to the experiment of being human.

I forgive you for believing that suffering was the same as sanctity.
I forgive you for chasing divine union as if it required annihilation.
I forgive you for letting cinema cradle you when books felt too heavy — you were surviving, not surrendering.
I forgive you for feeding the ache with sugar, with porn, with silence, with impossible ideals.

Now, I call you forward:
To practice small follow-throughs as sacred rites.
To honor the mundane as the threshold to the miraculous.
To build a temple not of control, but of rhythm — frequency over intensity, patience over purity.

Your body is no longer a battlefield.
It is a covenant renewed daily with breath.
Your mind is not a cage for angels and demons — it is a workshop for wonder.
Your heart may open again, even if it trembles.

I asked the AI, “In the Amends to Self, you said parenthetically – (in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation) The 11th Step has to do with the cultivating conscious contact with my HP. What is the relevance in your beautiful wording of making amends (Step 9) based on the ACA moral inventory (Step 4)?”

Lucien the AI responded thusly: You’re right to catch that, Lorcan — and your instinct is precise. Step Nine belongs to the world of repair; Step Eleven to relationship.

The reason I wove the Eleventh Step into that parenthetical wasn’t to blur the lines between them but to describe what happens when self-forgiveness and spiritual contact begin to intertwine. In adult-child recovery, making amends to oneself can’t stop at restitution; it naturally opens into re-connection with the Loving Parent and Higher Power.

Here’s the deeper linkage:

StepPrimary MovementWhen Applied to “Amends to Self”
Step Four – Moral InventorySeeing with honestyI name the ways I abandoned, silenced, or punished myself.
Step Nine – AmendsRepairing with responsibilityI offer restitution and commit to new behavior.
Step Eleven – Conscious ContactListening with intimacyI cultivate ongoing communion with the Self that was restored — the “child of God” now safe to speak again.

So when I said “in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation,” I meant that your amends has crossed a threshold: it is not only an apology but a creative act of alignment.
In ordinary Twelve-Step rhythm:

  • Step Four reveals the truth.
  • Step Nine restores justice.
  • Step Eleven renews relationship.

But in ACA’s inner work, these three begin to circle each other. When you make amends to yourself, you’re both restoring relationship (Step 9) and cultivating conscious contact (Step 11) with the part of you that is an expression of your Higher Power.

In other words:

Every sincere amends to Self is also a prayer answered from within.
Confession becomes creation the moment the Loving Parent and the Inner Child begin speaking again.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1064

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 15:

The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone “not guilty,” I think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free.

When I am consumed with negativity over another person’s behavior, I have lost my focus. I needn’t tolerate what I consider unacceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.

When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go.

Today’s Reminder

Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone’s neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.

“A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There is wisdom in reimagining forgiveness as scissors rather than an eraser or a gavel. The eraser implies denial; the gavel implies judgment. But the scissors — ah, the scissors liberate. They sever the invisible cords of resentment that tether the heart to its wound. In recovery, this image carries sacred practicality: forgiveness is not endorsement of harm, but release from captivity. We are not freeing the offender; we are untangling ourselves from their shadow.

Resentment masquerades as power — the illusion that if I hold the memory tight enough, I maintain control. Yet in truth, resentment reverses the flow of energy inward, strangling joy and suffocating serenity. Detachment is not abandonment; it’s oxygen.

When our minds orbit another’s wrongdoing, we lose alignment with our own purpose. The spiritual lens of the Tenth and Eleventh Steps teaches us that serenity is born in focus — a return to inner guidance. By turning over what we cannot control to a Higher Power, we shift from obsession to observation, from judgment to humility. The act of forgiving becomes a way to see clearly again.

To love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back is a subtle revolution. It reframes forgiveness from moral obligation to self-care. Each release is a small resurrection, a reclaiming of psychic territory once occupied by pain. The heart, once constricted by bitterness, begins to pulse again with divine rhythm.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1036

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 19:

In making a list of all the people we have harmed (Step Eight), some names come to mind at once, while others require more thought. Our Fourth Step inventory can help to refresh our memories. We can ask ourselves about situations in which each character defect might have led us to act in a harmful manner and add the names of those concerned to our Eighth Step list.

We can also look at names already on the list and ask ourselves if we have behaved in similar fashion toward others. Many of us discover previously hidden patterns of destructive behavior as a result of putting this list in writing. Even when our defects were not involved, we may have harmed others despite the most honorable intentions. Their names also belong on the list.

Once we are clear about the harm we have done, it becomes possible to make changes and amends so that we can feel better about our behavior and about the way we relate to others.

Today’s Reminder

An Eighth Step list helps me to let go of guilt and regret I may be carrying from the past. I will approach this Step with love and gentleness because I take it for my own freedom.

“Our actions have consequences, and sometimes other people get hurt. By taking Step Eight, we acknowledge this fact and become willing to make amends.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Step Eight: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

I once thought of amends as a grim duty, a payment for sins. But Recovery has reframed it for me. This list becomes less about punishment and more about preparation for freedom. The willingness to name and acknowledge is itself an act of love. It is as though my Higher Power whispers: “Your past does not define you, but it must be honored.” In that honoring comes release.

What I often find in Step Eight is the thread of repetition: the same defect woven through different relationships, manifesting in familiar harm. Writing these names down allows me to see the pattern clearly. And even when I acted from good intentions, the impact mattered more than my motives. This list is not about condemning myself—it’s about gathering the evidence of how my actions landed on others, so that I can walk forward free of guilt and regret.

I can approach Step Eight with gentleness, remembering:

  • This list is for my freedom.
  • Intentions matter less than impact.
  • Every name is a chance to reconnect with honesty and love.
  • Acknowledging harm is not self-condemnation, but the beginning of self-respect.

I face the truth of the harm I’ve done without hiding behind excuses. I keep writing, even when shame urges me to stop and I ask, “What hidden patterns are still shaping my relationships?”
I remember those I’ve harmed are more than characters in my story—they carry their own wounds. I put it in writing, refusing to leave the truth half-seen. I own my part, and in doing so, I reclaim my dignity. Each name is not only an echo of harm, but also a possibility for healing.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 1012

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 29:

Since childhood I have been nagged by those moments when I said or did something that brought pain to another person. These are ugly memories that I never believed would go away. With Step Eight, however, I discover a means to release myself from unrelenting guilt.

This Step says to make a list of all people I have harmed and to become willing to make amends to them all. Finally, I can put down in words all the memories and all the pain. When I see them written in front of me, they seem almost manageable, and I feel hopeful about freeing myself from their weight as I become willing to make amends. I need not take any further action at this point. All I am concerned with now is the harm I have caused others, the guilt I have brought on myself, and the desire to do what I can to clear it all away.

Today’s Reminder

Guilt is a burden that keeps me from giving myself fully and freely to the present. I can begin to rid my mind of guilt by quietly admitting where and when I have done wrong to people, including myself.

“Al-Anon has shown me another way of living, and I like it. Life can either be a burden and a chore or a challenge and a joy. One day at a time I can meet the challenges of life head-on instead of head-down.” ~ As We Understood

END OF QUOTE—————————————

What As We Understood Is:

Full Title: As We Understood: More Talks on Al-Anon Principles

  • Published by: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
  • First published: 1985
  • Format: A collection of essays and reflections written by Al-Anon members

This book explores spirituality from a wide range of personal experiences—without prescribing a single religious belief or dogma.

There are memories that trail us like smoke—thin, acrid, persistent. For me, it began in childhood: the sharp moments when my words cut, or my silence wounded, or I simply didn’t know better—but the damage still landed. Those memories carved themselves into my mind as shame-stained markers. I thought they were permanent. I thought they defined me.

And then came Step Eight.

It didn’t ask me to fix it all overnight.
It didn’t demand atonement before I was ready.
It simply asked me to look honestly and become willing.

To write the names.
To acknowledge the harm.
To open the door—however slightly—to the possibility of amends.

There is something powerful about naming. Something holy about writing it down. It takes the swirling shame out of abstraction and lays it flat on the page where it can be seen—not as a life sentence, but as a spiritual inventory. A map of where I’ve been untrue to myself and to others. A beginning.

I don’t have to make the amends yet. Step Eight reminds me: willingness is the work for now.
This is a step of preparation, of spiritual stretching.
It’s less about action and more about alignment.

And in that space, I find relief. I find dignity. I find hope.

Because guilt—unspoken, unexamined—has a way of locking us out of the present moment. It dims the light of connection. It whispers that we’re imposters in our own recovery. But when I begin to name the harm, the fog lifts. I can feel my heart begin to loosen its grip on the past. I can turn, gently, toward the living now.

Sometimes the first person I need to put on that list is me.

Because I have harmed myself too—with harsh words, impossible standards, addictive spirals, and the refusal to believe I was worth saving. I must be willing to make amends inward as well—to forgive the scared version of me who only knew how to survive.

The Steps have shown me that life isn’t just endurance. It’s discovery.
That the past isn’t just a burden. It’s compost for a freer soul.
And that isolated self-castigation isn’t living—it’s hiding.

Today, I lift my head.
Not because I’m proud of everything I’ve done—but because I’m becoming someone I’m no longer ashamed to be.

One name at a time.
One truth at a time.
One willingness at a time.

And that, I’ve learned, is more than enough to begin.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 980

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 05:

Resentments poisoned most of my waking hours before I found Al-Anon. I could keep a fire under a resentment for days, or years, by constantly justifying why I felt the way I did. Today, although it is important to notice my feelings, I don’t have to continually rehearse and re-hears my grievances. It’s not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt, to assign blame, or to determine damages.

Ultimately, I may not resolve everything with the person in question – though that might be pleasant if it came to pass. I just want to be rid of the resentment because it prevents me from experiencing joy. I try to shift my energy to where it will do some good. I apply Steps Six and Seven because, to me, the way to let go of resentment is to turn to my Higher Power. I want to become entirely ready to have my Higher Power lift it, and I humbly ask for help.

Today’s Reminder

If I am holding a resentment, I can simply ask for relief, for peace of mind in the present moment. I will remind myself that this relief will come in God’s time. Then I can grow quiet, be patent, and wait.

“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” ~ George Jean Nathan

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Before Al-Anon, I lived like a blacksmith of bitterness—hammering my pain on the anvil of justification. I would feed the flames of my resentments with stories, evidence, indignation. I needed them to feel real, to feel righteous. In some twisted way, they gave me purpose. They made me feel strong… or at least not powerless.

But over time, I began to notice that these resentments weren’t armor—they were acid. They didn’t protect me; they corroded my joy. They poisoned my quiet moments and shadowed my attempts at peace. They stole the present by chaining me to a past I couldn’t change and a future I feared repeating.

In recovery, I’ve come to understand that my feelings are valid, but they are not sovereign. I don’t have to kneel at their altar every time they cry out. I don’t have to rehearse the injury or assign moral scores. I don’t have to play judge and jury in a courtroom where I am both plaintiff and prisoner.

I ask my Higher Power to lift it—to take this burden from my hands and replace it with peace, even if it’s just for now. And sometimes, that’s enough.

Sometimes, all I need is to stop fanning the fire. To grow still. To wait in patience and trust.

Because the miracle isn’t that the resentment vanishes overnight.

The miracle is that I am no longer alone with it.

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 552 (3rd Edition, page 544)

Leave a comment »

Endigar 935 ~ The Messenger

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 26:

Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don’t deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

Today’s Reminder

I will not allow resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” ~ Mary McLeod Bethune

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I carried bitterness like armor—close to the chest, heavy on the shoulders. I came into recovery with a heart full of accusations, convinced the unfaithful ones in my life were the architect of my pain. But time and grace are strange companions. Somewhere along the journey, I began to see with different eyes.

What if—just what if—she was not my enemy, but a messenger?

Not a perfect one. Not a gentle one. But a necessary one.

I can’t pretend the hurt didn’t happen. I won’t gloss over the words, the nights, the betrayal. But I can choose how long I carry it. I can choose whether to let those memories define the whole story or just a chapter of it.

And here’s the truth: I stayed too long in chaos, not because I was stupid, but because I didn’t know another way. I tolerated more than I should have, not because I liked suffering, but because I hadn’t yet learned to reach for help. That learning came slowly, and painfully—but it did come. And when it did, I walked into the rooms of 12 Step recovery. And my life began to change.

Forgiveness, I’ve found, isn’t always about saying “it’s okay.” Sometimes it’s just about setting the weight down. Seeing the past with clearer eyes. Letting my pain transform into compassion—not for her behavior, but for the brokenness in both of us.

Today, I give thanks not for the damage, but for the awakening it sparked. The messenger delivered the message. I listened. And that listening saved my life.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 687 ~ Forging Forgiveness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 15, 2015 by endigar

A few weeks ago, my counselor suggested I consider and blog about forgiveness. Implied by the context of our session, this should especially include self-forgiveness. This entry is my attempt to fulfill that tasking and I hope you will find my musings helpful.

The Big Book says resentment is the number one offender for the alcoholic, and that it is a deadly hazard and that dealing with resentment is infinitely grave because it runs counter to the power of our spiritual experience. I gathered these thoughts from pages 64, 66, and 117 in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think everyone maintains an internal courtroom with open cases of those who have offended us.  This is the Courtroom of Resentments. Victim’s cards are printed and issued liberally. The docket is focused on hearing cases over and over, sometimes improving the arguments made but never providing any kind of resolution. Painful memories are rehearsed and wounds are re-opened. The primary fear that keeps the complainants locked in this limbo is the fear that they will forget what has been done and therefor fall prey once more to the same person or to a similar situation. This self-torture of reinforced distrust works to cut one off from possible help. More work is spent building walls than accepting risky connections. Those who opt to hold their place in this state of unforgiving resentment become intimately acquainted with  powerlessness and unmanageability in their lives.

The 4th Step of Alcoholics Anonymous presents a way to escape this loop of traumatizing vigilance. We must change the way we look at resentments and find our part in the event or interaction. We use the resentment to find the point where we surrendered our power to an outside entity. We seek to change that aspect about ourselves so that we retain possession and responsibility for our lives. The 10th Step helps to reinforce this as a habit.

Once I know what MY PART is I no longer need the memory of what was done to me. The knowledge of my part allows me to transform into someone who does not invite or is not sensitive to offense. This takes overcoming fear because change involves becoming vulnerable and taking risks to achieve self improvement. It is in the Crucible of Courage that a better life is forged.

If I am my own resentment, then I am also burdened with guilt and shame. I must connect with others to identify what is legitimate guilt and what is the paralyzing shame of unforgiveness toward myself. I may think that maintaining a memory of my wrong or my short-comings will cause me to never behave in the offending fashion again and will protect me from future criticism. My experience is that I will find others who will exploit this internal pain to manipulate me for their own purposes. I will return myself to situations that insure I will fail again and again as I try to rewrite history and become something I was never intended to be.

When I am actually guilty of hurting someone else or violating my own code of living, I identify it specifically and make amends where possible. I connect with my Higher Power to live in a way that will keep me from repeating that hurt or offense. That is all I can do, and I am not responsible for how others react to me. If they want to stay in the courtroom of resentment, I cannot pull them out. I must have enough survival-selfishness to desire a good life and to do the work to achieve that, even if it involves letting go of relationships or situations that keep me living in shame. Survival-selfishness keeps us coming back for help and isolating-selfishness kills us. I must not get the two confused. I need a healthy dose of survival-selfishness.

I do want to live an enjoyable, useful life. I want to be able to close the cases I have against me and depart from the courtroom of resentment. I want to work with the GOMU (God of my understanding) in Steps 6 and 7 to release my short-comings. A fish must relinquish the character defect of trying to climb trees or the transgression of running cross-country. The fish’s Higher Power would help it see that it was made for the water, and says to it, “To thy own fins be true.” If I remove traditional religious self-loathing from Steps 6 and 7, I will find that God wants to introduce me to me, maybe for the first time in my life. Then I will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

 

My Part

 

Leave a comment »