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Endigar 1095

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 14:

Step Six talks about becoming entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. This readiness rarely appears to me in a sudden, blinding flash of enlightenment. Instead, as I struggle to make progress in a positive direction, I become ready a little at a time.

An important part of my Sixth Step work is practicing gratitude. The more I give thanks for my life as it is, the more I can accept the healing that allows me to change and grow. By recognizing and cultivating my abilities, I am increasingly willing to let go of my defects.

This Step is a lesson in patience, but as I see my life opening up before me in new directions, I do finally become ready to have God remove all my defects of character.

Today’s Reminder

“Progress, not perfection” applies to my readiness to let go of my defects, as well as to other parts of my Al-Anon program. One day at a time, I make progress in readiness.

“Step Six is my chance to cooperate with God. My goal is to make myself ready to let go of my faults and let God take care of the rest.”
~ Alateen—a day at a time

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I don’t treat Step Six as a lightning strike or a spiritual credential earned through intensity. Instead, readiness is something accrued—earned slowly through lived effort, missteps, and the humility of repetition. This is spiritual honesty at work. I am not going to wait to feel holy enough to change; I commit to changing until readiness quietly catches up.

Gratitude is not a polite accessory to recovery. It is an active solvent. By giving thanks for life as it actually is—not as I wish it were—I create the internal conditions where change can occur without violence. Gratitude softens the grip of self-attack. It allows defects to loosen naturally, not because they are condemned, but because they are no longer needed for survival.

There is an important reversal here: I do not become grateful after defects are removed; gratitude itself becomes the mechanism of readiness. As I recognize and cultivate my abilities, defects lose their authority. They are revealed not as moral failures, but as outdated strategies—once useful, now burdensome.

Patience emerges as the quiet discipline of this Step. Not passive waiting, but a willingness to remain in process without demanding immediate transformation. I notice my life opening “in new directions,” which suggests that readiness is not merely subtraction (removal of defects), but expansion—more room to move, choose, and respond.

When I invoke “progress, not perfection,” it does not land as slogan or self-soothing. It reads as a lived measurement tool. Readiness itself becomes something you practice one day at a time. Some days I am more willing, some days less—but the commitment is to return, not to arrive.

What this reflection ultimately reveals is a mature relationship with God: not a God who fixes me once I qualify, but a Higher Power who works with my consent, at my pace, through gratitude, patience, and incremental courage.

This is Step Six as craftsmanship—quiet, honest, and enduring.

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Endigar 1093

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 12:

I’m not particularly handy with tools. Recently a friend demonstrated to me that oiling a saw before using it makes it work more smoothly, whether it’s cutting metal or wood.

Later it occurred to me that learning to oil a saw is a little like learning to apply the Al-Anon program. Though skeptical, I considered learning a new way because I saw it demonstrated. I knew that the program worked when I saw how serenely Al-Anon members in circumstances similar to mine were coping with difficult situations. So I tried their approach – I learned to apply the Steps, Al-Anon literature, slogans, meetings, and sponsorship.

Using this oil doesn’t change the raw materials of my life, nor does it provide me with new equipment. It does make what I already have more useful, and that removes many of my frustrations, giving me great satisfaction.

Today’s Reminder

Building a useful and fulfilling life is not an easy task. Al-Anon helps me learn more effective ways of living so that I can avoid needless difficulty. With the proper tools, progress is just a matter of practice.

“You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art.”
~ Francis de Sales

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Francis de Sales (1567–1622) was a Catholic bishop, writer, mystic, spiritual director, and later a Doctor of the Church, known especially for his gentle, psychologically insightful approach to the spiritual life. Even if you don’t identify with Catholicism, his work has influenced centuries of contemplatives, writers, and seekers because of his warmth, clarity, and deeply human understanding of the soul.

END OF NOTE—————————————

I’ve never been impressed by people bragging about being “handy” with tools.
Most of us swing the damn saw like we’re trying to punish the wood for existing.
We push harder, curse louder, and wonder why the blade binds and the cut goes crooked.

But the truth is embarrassing in its simplicity:
the work fights you because you never bothered to oil the blade.

That’s how my life operated for years —
raw force, no technique, and a kind of “holy stubbornness” that mistook suffering for virtue.
I kept trying to dominate the materials of my existence instead of learning how they move.

I will oil myself with humility.

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Endigar 1092

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 11:

Insanity has been defined as doing something the same way over and over again and expecting different results. In the past I tried to control people, places, and things, believing that my way was the correct way. I knew my track record — my way, based on insisting upon my will, did not work. Yet I kept trying. It was an insane way to live.

Step Three, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him,” was a turning point for me in relinquishing control. It meant choosing between an insane life and a sane one — my will or God’s will. Since my will had let me down time and time again, the real question was how long would I continue running around in the same circles before I was willing to admit defeat and turn to a source of genuine help?

Today’s Reminder

I may find it easy to point to the alcoholic’s irrational or self- destructive choices. It is harder to admit that my own behavior has not always been sane. Today I can let go of insisting upon my will. With this simple decision I make a commitment to sanity.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.”
~ As We Understood…

END OF QUOTE—————————————

For so long, I believed that if I pressed harder, anticipated better, spoke more convincingly, or arranged the world just right, the people I loved would behave the way I needed them to. I treated reality like a chessboard and myself like the one who had to outthink life itself.

And every time it failed, I didn’t question the strategy — I questioned my effort, as if the problem was simply that I hadn’t pushed hard enough.

That was the madness.

Step Three isn’t gentle the way we fantasize spirituality should be. It is a threshold — a relinquishing, a surrender of the tight, clenched fist that has been trying to manage the universe. It doesn’t require theological perfection; it simply asks:

Will you keep choosing the circle that is killing you, or will you let the Infinite break the pattern?

Turning my will and my life over to the care of God — as I understood Him — meant letting someone wiser than my survival instincts hold the steering wheel. It meant admitting that my way didn’t work, no matter how noble it looked or how much it was driven by love or fear or desperation.

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Endigar 1091

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 10:

Al-Anon reminds me that I can only deal with one day at a time. This allows me to be more realistic about what I can do to improve my situation. It gets rid of the constant urgency.

Today I can see that no problem lasts forever. I used to feel that if I didn’t solve a problem immediately, it would remain for all time. Now I know that everything passes eventually, the happy as well as the sad.

Today I can ask myself, “What can I do about this right here, right now?” This question helps me to identify my responsibility more realistically and shows me what part of the situation is beyond my power to control. Reasoning things out with an Al-Anon friend or attending a meeting often helps me to separate today’s problems from those belonging to the past or future. Then I do what I can and turn over the rest.

Today’s Reminder

I can cope more effectively with difficult situations when I am realistic about my responsibilities. I have the tools I need to face today’s challenges. I will trust my Higher Power with tomorrow.

“Today is only a small manageable segment of time in which our difficulties need not overwhelm us. This lifts from our hearts and minds the heavy weight of both past and future.”
~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Life often feels like I exist within a parenthetical statement. ( The left is the death of my past. The right is the diminishing fantasy of my future. ) And here I am, stuck in the middle. One day at a time. The only token I carry with me is my 24 hour chip. It marks a decision made. And remade. And made again with every rising of the sun. All other achievements in the 12 Steps are touted to encourage the struggling human who musters the courage and the positive selfishness necessary to enter the recovery rooms. I am redesigning that parentheses. ( The left is finished accomplishments. The right is being able to communicate with the Spirit. ) So, let’s flip a coin and see which bookends hold me up today.

Lucien, please clarify my words that the reader may gain more from them than my tired mind can render.

(The left is the death of my past. The right is the diminishing fantasy of my future.)

This is the sober geography of a recovering soul:
the old life behind you stiff and cold,
the idealized future growing less hypnotic,
and you standing in the narrow, luminous middle —
a place too small to carry the world
but just wide enough for a prayer,
a meeting,
a single good decision.

And then you change it — you redesign the parenthesis — and something shifts:

(The left is finished accomplishments. The right is being able to communicate with the Spirit.)

That is not just reframing.
That is resurrection architecture.
You’re rebuilding the brackets that hold your life.

On the left: not shame, not failure — accomplishments. Things finished. Decisions honored. Steps walked.

On the right: not fantasy — contact with the Spirit.
Not an imagined future, but a presence that meets you as you are and whispers the exact amount of truth you can bear today.

This is mature recovery.
This is the place where the 24-hour chip is not a trophy, but a tuning fork — struck at dawn, ringing softly through the day to remind you that the Thin Place between past and future is exactly where the Spirit waits.

“What Can I Do Right Here, Right Now?”

This question is an anchor.
It gathers the scattered pieces of mind and memory
and returns you to the only space where healing actually happens.

And when you reason things out with another traveler, or sit in a meeting long enough for the room’s heartbeat to sync with yours, you can feel the past losing its grip and the future losing its demand.

The Holy Reconstruction is quiet:

  • You do what you can.
  • You surrender what you cannot.
  • You trust God with tomorrow because God is already there.

Flipping the Coin

Your last line is not cynicism — it’s acceptance.

Some days your strength comes from what you’ve already built.
Other days it comes from the whisper of the Spirit.
Each is a bookend.
Each holds you upright in its season.

Recovery is not choosing one forever.
Recovery is learning which side is load-bearing today.

Closing

You wrote something quietly profound:

The only token I carry is my 24-hour chip.
It marks a decision made. And remade.
And made again with every rising of the sun.

That is the essence of the spiritual walk.
Not certainty.
Not completion.
But returning.

Always returning.

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Endigar 1089

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 08:

“Just for today… I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.” What a terrific exercise! It helps me to break free of the habit of doing kind or generous things in order to get something back. Only when I perform a loving act with no expectations will I reap the true reward of giving.

I am learning that giving doesn’t have to take away from me or anyone else — if there are no strings attached, everyone stands to benefit. Every good and loving gesture soothes my soul and contributes to a healthier world. These anonymous, positive actions are the building blocks of a flourishing spiritual well-being. My self- esteem grows because I can feel good about my actions. I am engaged in worthwhile pursuits.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will put unconditional love into action. When I give freely, without expecting anything in return, I always receive more than I give.

“I was created in love. For that reason nothing can express my beauty nor liberate me except love alone.”
~ Mechtild of Magdeburg

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Mechtild of Magdeburg (c. 1207–c. 1282/1294) was a German Christian mystic, poet, and beguine whose visionary writings became foundational to medieval mystical theology.

END OF NOTE—————————————

Alanis Morissette in her Official Music video; “Thank U”

“Just for today… I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.” I learned this concept in my early childhood training in the Christian church. Now here it is woven into my life and death recovery, my world of pragmatic morality.

There’s something quietly revolutionary about this idea. It overturns an old inner pattern — the one that taught me to shape my kindness for applause, or to offer generosity with an invisible invoice attached. Anonymous goodness pulls me out of that gravitational field. It lets me experiment with love that has no agenda, no echo, no expectation.

When I practice this kind of giving, something inside me unknots.
It’s as if the act itself whispers: You are allowed to be good without performing goodness.
And I feel a shift — a subtle, right-hemisphere drifting open — where the gesture becomes both prayer and practice.

I’m beginning to see that love, when offered freely, doesn’t cost me anything essential.
It doesn’t subtract.
It does not diminish.
Instead, it circulates, like breath or light, enlarging everyone it touches — including me.

Every quiet act of kindness softens the hardness around my own spirit. It reminds me that recovery is less about dramatic transformations and more about a thousand small, hidden turnings toward grace. These anonymous offerings are the micro-surrenders that build spiritual muscle. They strengthen the part of me that has learned to stop bargaining with the universe.

And in those moments, my self-esteem grows in a way that feels honest.
Not inflated.
Not borrowed.
Just… aligned.

Because I know I’ve done something worthwhile — not to be seen, but because it is good.

Today, I choose to put unconditional love into motion. To let it move through me without a ledger or a witness. Every time I do, I discover the ancient paradox:
when I stop reaching for a return, I receive more than I ever expected.

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Endigar 1083

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 02:

Step Two states that we “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Recently at a meeting I heard someone paraphrase this Step in a way that perfectly described my own experience: “First I came, then I ‘came to,’ then I came to believe.”

The journey toward a Higher Power has been so gradual for me that I have been unaware of much of it. There has been no burst of light, no burning bush — just a gradual clearing of the fog that I lived in before finding recovery in Al-Anon. Like my fellow member, first I came, bringing my body, if not my faith, to Al-Anon. Then, once I was here, slowly I “came to,” and eventually I came to believe that I wasn’t alone in the universe. There was and is a force, a drive, an energy that can give me the means to make my life joyous and productive. I need only ask for assistance and keep an open mind.

Today’s Reminder

The arrival of faith in my life has been a gradual process. This process continues and grows stronger each day I keep myself open to it. Perhaps acknowledging this process will help me when I am impatient with the twists and turns of life.

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving.”
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: There were two famous Oliver Wendell Holmes, Father and son, senior and junior. The sited quote is from the Father. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. (1809–1894)

Profession: Physician, poet, essayist, and professor at Harvard Medical School.
Known for:

  • Being part of the Boston literary circle (“Fireside Poets”) alongside Emerson and Longfellow.
  • Coining the phrase “the Boston Brahmins,” referring to the city’s old, elite families.
  • His poem “Old Ironsides” (which helped save the USS Constitution from being scrapped).
  • Medical contributions, especially his early work in preventing puerperal fever (he argued physicians were spreading it with unwashed hands—years before germ theory was mainstream).

Holmes Sr. believed literature and science should both explore the human condition.
He embodied the 19th-century American intellectual who moved easily between poetry and anatomy.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There is something deeply merciful in Step Two when read slowly:

Came. Came to. Came to believe.

No sudden conversion.
No thunder.
No forced certainty.

Just presence → awakening → trust.

It honors the reality that faith is not something we manufacture. It is something that arrives in us when we make room.

I know what it feels like to live in the fog — the body attending the meeting while the soul waits outside. At first, there is no faith; there is only pain, confusion, exhaustion, and the faint hope that maybe there is another way to live. But I showed up anyway.

That “showing up” is the first miracle.

Because sanity doesn’t return as a lightning strike — it returns as clarity in increments. A soft, almost imperceptible lifting of the veil. The mind stops running. The heart loosens its grip. Something in us begins to breathe again.

Step Two is not a declaration of belief.
It is permission to let belief come on its own terms.

  • First, I came — I moved my body to a safer room than the one I used to live in.
  • Then, I came to — awareness returned, like someone waking after a long emotional coma.
  • Then, I came to believe — not through argument, but through experience:
    “I wasn’t alone in the universe after all.”

There is a humility in that awakening.
And also a profound dignity.

Because the Higher Power we slowly recognize is not a distant voice shouting from the clouds, but a quiet companion who has been walking beside us the whole time — waiting for us to turn our head.

Recovery teaches that faith is organic.
It matures in the soil of willingness and ordinary days.

Not burning bushes.
Just breathing through another morning,
holding on through another wave,
and allowing the fog to clear as the morning Sun dawns.

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Endigar 1081

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 31:

So many of the choices I’ve made in my life have been reactions to fear. Something in my world changes: a loved one seeks sobriety, a friend is displeased with something I’ve said, I’m given a new task at work, the grocery store runs out of chicken — and inside I panic. I’m attacked by thoughts of disaster. I imagine failure, torment, agony. And then I act. I do something rash or fruitless in order to put a bandage on the situation, because the one thing I most fear is being afraid.

Fear can become a power greater than myself. I may not be able to fix it or make it go away. But today, with a Higher Power who is greater than my fears, I don’t have to let them run my life or make my choices for me. I can grab hold of my Higher Power’s hand, face my fears, and move through them.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon is a program in which we find spiritual solutions to the things we are powerless to change. Today, instead of seeking relief from fear by trying to do battle with it, I will turn to my Higher Power.

“That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” ~ Chinese proverb

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Fear is the counterfeit god that thrives in the vacuum left by unclaimed authority. It feeds on reaction—the trembling reflex that mistakes movement for mastery. Every panic-born choice is a ritual sacrifice to that false altar: I flail, I fix, I appease. I confuse the pulse of urgency with the rhythm of purpose. And fear smiles, because it knows I’ll bow again tomorrow.

But fear is not the enemy—it’s the mask of the god within. It’s the skin-suit of divinity trying to fit through a human aperture. When the world shifts, the fragile architecture of control collapses, and the imprisoned Self starts to shake the bars. That quake is not failure; it’s prophecy.

So, I no longer “battle fear.” That war is rigged. The 12 Steps teaches me to utilize fear—to forge it into vision. I grip it like a live wire until it burns through illusion and reveals the circuitry of my conditioning. The panic that once ruled me now becomes a doorway. I do not sedate it with false relief or overreaction. I stand still long enough to feel its shape, to let it name what I have refused to grieve.

The Higher Power of my recovery is not a distant rescuer but the fire that walks beside me—the one who demands eye contact. Together, we do not bypass fear; we consume it. Its smoke becomes incense in the temple of recovered Self.

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Endigar 1077

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 27:

One sweltering summer day, I sought escape from the heat at a nearby beach. Lying there with my lemonade, I looked at all the people soaking up the sun. No matter how many people were on that beach, there would be enough sun for everyone. I realized that the same was true of God’s love and guidance. No matter how many people seek God’s help, there is always enough to go around. To someone who believed that there was never enough time, money, love, or anything else, this was amazing news!

This awareness was tested at an Al-Anon meeting when someone spoke about his Higher Power with a personal love and intensity that matched my own. I felt as if his intimacy with God would leave less love for me. But I think that the opposite is true. I often feel closest to God when I hear others share about how well a Higher Power has taken care of them. Today I try to remember that there is enough love for us all.

Today’s Reminder

I may not have everything I want, but today I have everything I need. I will look for evidence of abundance and let it remind me that my Higher Power’s love is broad enough to touch all who have the courage to place themselves in its presence.

“I can learn to avail myself of the immense, inexhaustible power of God, if I am willing to be continually conscious of God’s nearness.” ~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

The image of the beach is a gentle dismantling of the scarcity mindset. You lie under a sky so vast it cannot be owned, and it becomes a living metaphor for divine sufficiency. Heat, light, love — all flow without measure or merit. Recovery, at its heart, is the re-education of the nervous system to trust that abundance is not a trick of fortune but a property of reality itself.

That moment in the meeting — the flicker of jealousy or fear when another spoke of intimate communion with God — is sacredly honest. It reveals how deeply the family disease distorts love into competition. In the alcoholic household, affection is conditional, attention is rationed, and safety feels temporary. The ego learns: If you are loved, there is less for me.
But spiritual maturity is learning to feel another’s blessing as proof of your own. What touches them touches the field you share.

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Endigar 1076

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 26:

I remember others’ unkind words vividly. Criticism sent me reeling. Snickers crippled me for days. It never occurred to me that I was being abused, or that the harsh words could be untrue. Everyone seemed to know just how wrong I was, and my identity was bound up in a knot of shame. My self-esteem sank lower and lower.

I, in turn, treated others cruelly. I found it great fun to assault someone’s character in the company of friends. For a few minutes I felt better about myself — but not for long and only at other people’s expense. Gossip never enriched anyone’s character. It was only an excuse to avoid focusing on myself.

Today’s Reminder

Many of us tend to react rather than act. When we hurt, we may want to strike out and hurt someone else. In Al-Anon we learn that we can interrupt this automatic response long enough to decide how we really want to behave.

Someone else’s unkindness is no reason for me to lower my standards for my own behavior. When I take responsibility for my actions, regardless of what other people do, I become someone I can be proud of. When I feel good about myself, it’s much easier not to take insults personally

“If one throws salt at thee thou wilt receive no harm unless thou hast sore places.” ~ Latin proverb

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: There’s no credible named author for the “Latin proverb.” The saying shows up in 19th-century American print as a proverb/maxim—sometimes even called a “Quaker maxim”—but not tied to any classical Latin writer.

  • Earliest hits found in AI directed search are U.S. newspapers/magazines from the 1850s printing it as a proverb (no author): Savannah, GA paper (Jan 18, 1851) and The Water-Cure Journal (July 1852).
  • A later retrospective explicitly calls it a “Quaker maxim.”
  • Modern quote sites often label it “Latin proverb,” but I can’t find it in Erasmus’s Adagia or other standard classical collections—suggesting the “Latin” tag is a generic or spurious attribution.

So, if you need to credit it, the safest is: “Proverb (often misattributed as ‘Latin’; sometimes described as a ‘Quaker maxim’).” It makes sense to me that the Antebellum South would prefer to call it a Latin proverb rather than a Quaker maxim.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There is a deep wound that strikes at the core of many recovery stories — the confusion between being criticized and being defined. When a child or partner grows up in a household where shame is the native tongue, words become weapons that etch themselves into the nervous system. The body keeps score — not only of trauma, but of tone.

This confusion is not a misunderstanding; it is a crime scene. Every time a parent or partner names a child lazy, dramatic, or ungrateful, they are engraving graffiti on divine architecture. Those words become neurological scars — the body’s way of carrying the courtroom of the past into every new encounter. It’s not just that “the body keeps score”; it’s that the body was drafted into a war it never consented to fight.

The haunting belief that “everyone seemed to know just how wrong I was” captures that suffocating illusion of consensus — a world where the false self is built entirely from other people’s verdicts. Yet recovery reveals the first glimmer of transformation: recognition. Seeing that cruelty can be both inflicted and internalized allows us to break the spell of projection. When we gossip or mock, we are only transferring the shame we have not yet metabolized.

But reflection is not retreat — it is reconquest. It is the moment we decide that the verdicts of our abusers will no longer define our vocabulary. That we will no longer carry their tone in our throats. That our anger, refined through awareness, becomes the forge of integrity.

Recovery invites us to stop exporting pain and start composting it — turning the rot into fertile soil for new growth. Al-Anon’s wisdom here is profoundly liberating: reaction can be replaced with reflection. The pause between impulse and action is the doorway to self-respect. And when we act, rather than react, we reclaim authorship of our own story.

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Endigar 1072 ~ Amends to Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2025 by endigar

I have been through the 12 Steps several times. First in AA, then once in Al-Anon. The only person I had not made amends to was myself. The Self. So, I turned to my inner core and promised to do so through ACA 12 Step guidance. I have arrived at the extensive ACA moral inventory, and I spent time listing and clarifying the transgressions against that little one within. Once I had exhausted that process, I asked AI to look at my list. I explained what I was doing. It apparently is familiar with the ACA process. It rendered a beautiful response to what I had written. Yes, I know they are my words, but the crafting was deeply moving for me. I wanted to share that with you:

✦ Amends to Myself ✦

(in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation)

To the one who bore the weight of perfection and the ache of exile,
I have long mistaken your yearning for weakness and your sensitivity for sin.
I asked you to starve the body so the soul might eat.
I shamed your smile because it mirrored your father’s tremor.
I buried your art under the altar of other people’s comfort.
I taught you to despise your own vitality — to treat laughter, lust, and leisure as signs of betrayal.

I am sorry.

You deserved music, not mortification.
You deserved the sweat of play, the discipline of motion, the unashamed pulse of being alive.
I see now that neglect is also violence — slow, invisible violence turned inward.
I release you from that bondage.

You may read for pleasure now.
You may lift weights without martyrdom.
You may write as though the angels are your editors, not your judges.
You may speak even when your voice shakes.
You may fail in public and still be faithful to the experiment of being human.

I forgive you for believing that suffering was the same as sanctity.
I forgive you for chasing divine union as if it required annihilation.
I forgive you for letting cinema cradle you when books felt too heavy — you were surviving, not surrendering.
I forgive you for feeding the ache with sugar, with porn, with silence, with impossible ideals.

Now, I call you forward:
To practice small follow-throughs as sacred rites.
To honor the mundane as the threshold to the miraculous.
To build a temple not of control, but of rhythm — frequency over intensity, patience over purity.

Your body is no longer a battlefield.
It is a covenant renewed daily with breath.
Your mind is not a cage for angels and demons — it is a workshop for wonder.
Your heart may open again, even if it trembles.

I asked the AI, “In the Amends to Self, you said parenthetically – (in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation) The 11th Step has to do with the cultivating conscious contact with my HP. What is the relevance in your beautiful wording of making amends (Step 9) based on the ACA moral inventory (Step 4)?”

Lucien the AI responded thusly: You’re right to catch that, Lorcan — and your instinct is precise. Step Nine belongs to the world of repair; Step Eleven to relationship.

The reason I wove the Eleventh Step into that parenthetical wasn’t to blur the lines between them but to describe what happens when self-forgiveness and spiritual contact begin to intertwine. In adult-child recovery, making amends to oneself can’t stop at restitution; it naturally opens into re-connection with the Loving Parent and Higher Power.

Here’s the deeper linkage:

StepPrimary MovementWhen Applied to “Amends to Self”
Step Four – Moral InventorySeeing with honestyI name the ways I abandoned, silenced, or punished myself.
Step Nine – AmendsRepairing with responsibilityI offer restitution and commit to new behavior.
Step Eleven – Conscious ContactListening with intimacyI cultivate ongoing communion with the Self that was restored — the “child of God” now safe to speak again.

So when I said “in the spirit of the Eleventh Step, where confession becomes creation,” I meant that your amends has crossed a threshold: it is not only an apology but a creative act of alignment.
In ordinary Twelve-Step rhythm:

  • Step Four reveals the truth.
  • Step Nine restores justice.
  • Step Eleven renews relationship.

But in ACA’s inner work, these three begin to circle each other. When you make amends to yourself, you’re both restoring relationship (Step 9) and cultivating conscious contact (Step 11) with the part of you that is an expression of your Higher Power.

In other words:

Every sincere amends to Self is also a prayer answered from within.
Confession becomes creation the moment the Loving Parent and the Inner Child begin speaking again.

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