Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of December 9;

When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 106)

In order for me to start working the Twelfth Step, I had to work on sincerity and honesty, and to learn to act with humility. Carrying the message is a gift of myself, no matter how many years of sobriety I may have accumulated. My dreams can become reality. I solidify my sobriety by sharing what I have received freely. As I look back to that time when I began my recovery, there was already a seed of hope that I could help another drunk pull himself out of his alcoholic mire. My wish to help another drunk is the key to my spiritual health. But I never forget that God acts through me. I am only His instrument.

Even if the other person is not ready, there is success, because my effort in his behalf has helped me to remain sober and to become stronger. To act, to never grow weary in my Twelfth Step work, is the key. If I am capable of laughing today, let me not forget those days when I cried. God reminds me that I can feel compassion!

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This reflection brings me to what I count as a personal saving heresy of the AA program.  Prior to recovery and prior to the hopeless state of mind and body from my activated alcoholism, I was a devoted Christian.  I learned that humanity had been given a two choice scenario for their lives; accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit, or reject Christ either by volition or apathy and live out a life destined for eternal damnation, regardless of whatever self-exalting work one achieves in this life time.  I also learned that only a small remnant of humanity would chose and be chosen for heaven and salvation.  The vast majority of my fellows had been created within God’s foreknowledge that they would burn eternally in the Lake of Fire in horrific torture without end.  The logical conclusions I derived from this manner of thinking was to become numb to the unfolding horror or to become motivated by a deep sense of fear and guilt.  If I went off to work to take care of my family without any thought of proselytizing my work associates, what kind of selfish son of bitch am I?  And even if I attempted missionary work in my environment, I knew that I was not going to be overwhelmingly successful.  I had it right and most of the world had it wrong.

Now, here is the difference in the Twelfth Step work.  It is all right for me to be selfish in the sense of having a strong sense of self-preservation.  I will not make it in recovery without it.  Listen to the words in the contribution above . . .”My dreams can become reality . . . I solidify my sobriety . . . the key to my spiritual health . . .it has helped me to remain sober and to become stronger . . .let me not forget those days when I cried.”

For emotional sobriety there is transformation work that I must partake in to root out the self-destructive elements of my psyche.  From the contribution above I see that I have to work on sincerity and honesty, to learn to act with humility when I am carrying the message.  I share what I have received freely.  I help another drunk pull himself out of his alcoholic mire.  I remember that I am only God’s instrument.  I must exert effort in behalf of the other person even if he is not ready and regardless of how many years of sobriety I have accumulated.  I act and never grow wear in my Twelfth Step work.

This is the God part which I am completely dependent on the supernatural intervention of my Gomu (God of my understanding) to see happen.  God turns me into a gift for others.  I receive sobriety freely and become a channel.  When I began my recovery, a seed of hope is planted in me that I can help another drunk.  God acts through me.  I am capable of laughing today.  God reminds me that I can feel compassion.  I finally begin to experience the love that has no price tag.

From the Daily Reflections of December 8;

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. . . . Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

It is through service that the greatest rewards are to be found. But to be in a position of offering true, useful and effective service to others, I must first work on myself. This means that I have to abandon myself to God, admitting my faults and clearing away the wreckage of my past. Work on myself has taught me how to find the necessary peace and serenity to successfully merge inspiration and experience. I have learned how to be, in the truest sense, an open channel of sobriety.

END OF QUOTE

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That selection from page 89 in the Big Book is probably one of the greatest desires I have for my membership in AA.  I truly do not want to miss the experience it describes.  I have had little flashes of this Fellowship Engulfment.  I am a bit of an extrovert cursed with a powerfully inhibiting social anxiety.

A fearless me.  What would that creature look like?  Would I suffocate others with toxic words and turn relationships into hostage situations? That picture of freedom serves no one.  I must have protective rituals in place so that I maintain my own spiritual life in private.  I cannot escape the reality that I will express myself from the depths of my heart.  The heart requires a frequent refill of spiritual life to remain awake and vibrant. It is essential that I am devoted to prayer and meditation so that I may be in union with the flow of the Infinite One, and tenth step inventories to keep my inner life open to Gomu (God of my understanding) for the usefulness to the Fellowship.

Artwork: Don Marquez

From the Daily Reflections of December 7;

True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 124-125)

During my drinking years, my one and only concern was to have my fellow man think highly of me. My ambition in everything I did was to have the power to be at the top. My inner self kept telling me something else but I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t even allow myself to realize that I wore a mask continually. Finally, when the mask came off and I cried out to the only God I could conceive, the Fellowship of A.A., my group and the Twelve Steps were there. I learned how to change resentments into acceptance, fear into hope and anger into love. I have learned also, through loving without undue expectations, through sharing my concerns and caring for my fellow man, that each day can be joyous and fruitful. I begin and end my day with thanks to God, who has so generously shed His grace on me.

END OF QUOTE

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I know these thoughts of humility and usefulness are spiritually empowering and that is the paradox of the Realm of the Spirit that is difficult for me to hold on to.  There was a movie that came out just before the turn of the century called “The Man in the Iron Mask.”  Royal twins who were mirror images of one another, inverse duplicates, that caused one brother to be tucked away in a dungeon locked in an iron mask to hide his face so the other brother could seize his ambitions to rule without challenge.  This resonated with me. In order for the life lust of the more dominate elemental of my personality to have its way within me, I had to tuck another part of myself away and obscure his identity.  The mask was my deep pain and the dungeon was his betrayal for being so giving and open.

Unlike the movie, I believe in a third option and that the tendency to think in terms of evil and good is the primary sickness of humanity. My power in life is intrinsically limited, but can become progressively expansive by connecting with others and Gomu (God of my understanding).  Humility is the connective tissue in the building of spiritual muscle.  Usefulness to the whole is the circulation of power exchange.  Polar thinking where the Universe is divided between evil and good is naturally divisive and weakens my personal expression.  I chose the third door beyond polarized thinking.

From the Daily Reflections of December 6;

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn’t very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 116).

It has been my experience that, when all human resources appear to have failed, there is always One who will never desert me. Moreover, He is always there to share my joy, to steer me down the right path, and to confide in when no one else will do. While my well-being and happiness can be added to, or diminished, by human efforts, only God can provide the loving nourishment upon which I depend for my daily spiritual health.

END OF QUOTE

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I have experienced what I felt was the abandonment of God.  It was only members of my family of origin that stood by me in those horrific times. Later a young woman came into my life who had also experienced religious abuse and was forging a path that would have been counted evil by the church I had grown up to know as God’s children.  These people behaved better than the God I had once trusted.

The churchians took a torch and pitchfork approach to my family’s suffering.  I am grateful, because they demonstrated to me what I never want to embrace again. And maybe my religious indoctrination was so deep that only betrayal and a brutal witch-hunt could separate me from the exclusive “us and them” mentality.

In AA I found a God that cared nothing about doctrines.  I know this because I see that caring God help people who ignore and even trample doctrines I thought were essential to connect with Him.  I found a God that came in many forms of loving and empowerment responding to the best path for each individual.  I have no clue as to the nature and make-up of Gomu (God of my understanding) and I am better off then when I had answers galore.  I just know that I have an intimate relationship with this Infinite Source.  I have discovered the joy of …”the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46).

From the Daily Reflections of November 30;

At the personal level, anonymity provides protection for all members from identification as alcoholics, a safeguard often of special importance to newcomers. At the level of press, radio, TV, and films, anonymity stresses the equality in the Fellowship of all members by putting the brake on those who might otherwise exploit their A.A. affiliation to achieve recognition, power, or personal gain.   (“Understanding Anonymity, page 5)

Attraction is the main force in the Fellowship of A.A. The miracle of continuous sobriety of alcoholics within A.A. confirms this fact every day. It would be harmful if the Fellowship promoted itself by publicizing, through the media of radio and TV, the sobriety of well-known public personalities who became members of A.A. If these personalities happened to have slips, outsiders would think our movement is not strong and they might question the veracity of the miracle of the century. Alcoholics Anonymous is not anonymous, but its members should be.

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When I saw anonymity as a benefit to me, a cover for my refuge as I struggled for recovery, I could not imagine ever wanting to break it.  As I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body and do not feel the fear of being discovered, I desire to speak openly.  I equate self-revelation with truthfulness.  Is it an act of honesty or isolating pride? I welcome being hidden away when I am struggling, and then desire more recognition when I am doing well.  I might rob newcomers of their own refuge as I out them by association and thus would be demonstrating selfish disregard.  I need to keep a safe place intact even if I am not personally feeling threatened.  The wolf den is for the protection of the entire pack.