Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of March 15;

Before Al-Anon, forgiveness meant power to me. I could judge the offender — the person who wasn’t doing what I wanted — and then exercise my power by showing that I could rise above the offense and magnanimously bestow forgiveness. But I would never forget what had been done.

Today I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with power. It does not give me control. Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I’m the one who suffers — I separate myself from my fellow human beings, focus on others, and keep busy with hateful and negative thoughts. By taking this attitude I tell myself that I am a victim, so I remain a victim.  The most forgiving thing I can do is to remember that my job is not to judge others, but to think and behave in a way that lets me feel good.

Today’s Reminder

I don’t know the motives or circumstances that cause another’s behavior. I do know that when I hold onto resentment and blame, I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nurturing way to fill myself up.

“You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him.” ~ Booker T. Washington

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Internal festering resentments lower the quality of my life and threaten me with spiritual bankruptcy. This ultimately manifests in addictive relapse for me. This is the major motivator for me to practice forgiveness. There are noble philosophies that surround the act of morally releasing someone held captive in my mind’s prison, but this one reality anchors me to the practice. It is pragmatic and simple. Trying to wrap it all up into some idea of the equality of mankind, or the rewards of Karma, or the imitation of whatever God embraced is pretty packaging that invites intellectual debates. These debates are fuel for self-destructive justification. That is my reality.

If my mind’s fantastic ability to forget is not filtering out the trespasses of my internal courtroom, I add the practice of praying and seeking the betterment of the other person every time I fall into such soul-sucking rumination. I avoid situations that will open old wounds. These I do because I love my own life and want to give others I care about the permission to do the same.

There are some lyrics from Audioslave’s song, Exploder, that comes to my mind as I think of what happens when I struggle to forgive:

There was a man who had a face
That looked a lot like me
I saw him in the mirror and
I fought him in the street
And when he turned away
I shot him in the head
Then I came to realize
I had killed myself

This will not be me. The release I give my offenders is a mercy granted to myself. Live and let live.

From Courage to Change of March 14;

One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they’re pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down.

Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn’t cause alcoholism. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I’ve spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects.

Today’s Reminder

It’s not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.

“It stands to reason that a change in us will be a force for good that will help the entire family.” ~ How Can I Help My Children?

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I have seen the effects in my family near and extended of alcoholism, and addiction in general. Some of us overcame or at least learned to cope with it. Others wrote in blood a tragic story. It hurts deeply to watch the struggle knowing I have no real power to help until it is sought. I have learned that those of us caught in active addiction need a few gifts in our lives; consequences, demonstrated living, and an intimate, caring spiritual connection.

Consequences act as a braking mechanism that allows the addict moments of sanity and personal reflection. The internal braking mechanisms that healthy people have has been corrupted and overridden by the addiction. External forces are often needed to buy the addict/alcoholic time. It feels like love to save them from their consequences, but in the world of addiction life is turned upside down and inside out. My protection from consequences will aid the disease in consuming its host. I will enable the tragedy against my own will and that is my part of this disease. It is a way in which I become powerless.

Demonstrated living is when I show that I love my own life by taking action to protect, strengthen, and improve the way I interact with the world around me. I remove the addict from the center of my life and find that raw and fearless courage to live. This is good for me and for those who share my intimate world. It gives others “permission” to love their own lives. If the alcoholic/addict is going to overcome their unfolding tragedy, they have to have Step Zero, the self-concerned desire to live. It cannot be gentle self-care. It must be a ferocious appetite to live. This is the one thing that I have seen that separates those who make it, and those who don’t. I had an alcoholic ask me one time, “why do you want to live?” I knew that I could not convey that adequately in speech. That had to be a product of her own discovery. And at the time, I was not living it well myself. Months later, she was dead. And I was glad that she and I had parted ways because I truly did want to live. I do not want to share that fait nor see it inflected on my loved ones. Then I could demonstrate why the recovery program is a “selfish” program. It is not the damning isolated selfishness that kills us, but the fierce self perseveration that gets us into the rooms and gives us the desperation to do the work of recovery.

What gets confusing in recovering is a product of the limitations of language and how that makes seeking a spiritual connection so complex. It is important for me to understand that there is helpful selfishness and there is destructive selfishness. Isolating selfishness that makes me anti-social and creates a need of continuously activated primal pleasure centers is destructive. Chemical dependency becomes the best answer for such a situation. When I develop the skill of silencing this type of selfishness described in the text surrounding page 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can find a solution that works to improve my living of life on life’s terms. The best avenue for me to develop this skill is finding ways to help others who are attempting to help themselves. Thus, I get to keep what I learn to give away.

All three of these gifts are the best that I can offer to those held hostage in their addiction. It is not callous. It is courageous and necessary.

From Courage to Change of March 13;

I’m apt to think of Step Seven – “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings” – as a Step I take tearfully and on my knees. I’ve had that experience, but I want to entertain the possibility that Step Seven might be  taken with  joy – and even humor.

Sometimes the sign that I have  actually gotten humble enough to ask my Higher Power to remove a shortcoming, is that I can laugh about it. Suddenly a past action or decision of mine seems ludicrous and I can stop taking myself so seriously. When this happens, I realize that my Higher Power has lessened the impact of another shortcoming. Real change often announces itself to me in the form of a belly laugh.

So the next time I want to tear my hair out because I haven’t gotten rid of some nagging shortcoming, I’ll try to lighten up and see how silly my intensity can be. When I’m  willing to step back and see humor even in the areas that fall short of my expectations, I get out of the way and give my Higher Power room to work.

Today’s Reminder

Desperation and pain can certainly lead me to humility, but in Al-Anon I’m cultivating a new and eager willingness to follow my Higher Power’s guidance. Because I am willing, I am freer to learn from all of life’s lessons, not just the ones that hurt.

“Humbly . . . means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.” ~ How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics

 

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Living life enslaved by my emotions is a tragedy a brewing. Feelings make horrible leaders. Their only goal is intensity by way of impulse. That has been my experience. They do make for powerful servants once they have been properly trained. Humor is one strategy to diminish the judgement-corrupting intensity of my emotions.

I often have casual moments of prayer-conversation with the God of my understanding (GOMU) throughout the day and have come to rely on intuitive inspiration, as is discussed on page 87 of the Big Book,  in order to “hear” my GOMU. In one such moment I said to my Higher Power “I suppose you’re right.” And I heard back, “Yes, I probably am.” I stopped, considered, and then just laughed. The anxiety I was feeling took a knee to the good natured back and forth between God and myself.

From Courage to Change of March 12;

What does another person’s mood, tone of voice, or state of inebriation have to do with my course of action. Nothing, unless I decide otherwise.

For example, I have learned that arguing with someone who is intoxicated is like beating my head against a brick wall. Yet, until recently, I would always dive right into the arguments, because that was what the other person seemed to want. In Al-Anon I discovered that I don’t have to react just because I have been provoked, and I don’t have to take harsh words to heart. I can remember that they are coming from someone who may be  in pain , and try to show a little compassion. I certainly don’t have to allow them to provoke me into doing anything I don’t want to do.

Today’s Reminder

Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do, say, or feel to determine my own well-being or to make my decisions. When faced with other people’s destructive attitudes and behavior,  I can  love their best, and never fear their worst.

“. . .  Detachment is not caring less, it’s caring more for my own serenity.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

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The paradigm that has helped me the most with compassionate detachment is to see the one I love in an intimate relationship with their anti-self. The goal of this anti-self is to isolate and destroy the individual it has latched onto. When this anti-self takes front and center to engage me, I pull detachment out of my spiritual toolkit and focus on my own serenity which is the ultimate manifestation of the strength of my faith. When the ones I love regain sanity enough to receive it, I have compassion awaiting. In this way, I honor their free will and my own. Al-Anon provides a network of others who are familiar with this struggle.

From Courage to Change of March 11;

“I’ve chosen my epitaph,” says an Al-Anon friend. “I want it to read, ‘He’s finally minding his own business.'”

We laugh, enjoying some relief in contemplating the lighter side of a serious subject, those defects of character that seem so hard to shake. Laughter makes our frailties seem easier to bear, and we can forgive ourselves for our imperfections. What a change from the days when we hid in shame from our flaws or used them to beat ourselves over the head!

My friend and I resolve that in the future we will try less, accept more, and let go of our impatience, self-criticism, and self-hatred. We take a deep breath and say, “Help me, Higher Power. Help me remember that the purpose of making mistakes is to prepare myself to make more; help me remember that when I’m no longer making mistakes I’ll be out of this world.”

Today’s Reminder

In a way, I will always be a beginner. There will always be some new challenge to face because life is ever-changing and so am I. Because of this constant change, ever tiny little action I take involves some risk of making a mistake. It takes courage to participate in life. Today I can applaud myself for trying. I’m doing a terrific job.

“My Higher Power is the confidence within me that makes me unafraid, even unafraid to make mistakes.” ~ As We Understood . . .

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“Middleton Group #1. Rule #62.” Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”  ~  Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 149.

I hate making mistakes. I feel dirty, ugly, and stupid when my mistakes happen in the public eye. An honest criticism becomes a dismissive judgment of my worth. These feelings I do not want. It hurts and it trips survival alarms in my psyche. My creative, day-dreaming inner child makes me exceptionally vulnerable to error and I have spent a good deal of my life spanking him into the closet, and putting a guard outside the door called Mr. Double-check, from Second-guessing Security. This is an old way of thinking deeply engrained, that I need GOMU’s help changing.

What I have discovered through inventory and much patient prayer is that child carries the energy core of my life. All facets of me are empowered by appreciation and connection with that child. My ability to learn, expand, and mature comes from exposing that child to the interactive world. As an adult, I parent me. Whatever my physical parents could not or would not do to strengthen the voice of that inner child becomes my responsibility to face as an adult.

No more internal child abuse. It is safe to come out now. Mistakes never made are lessons never learned. Life is the ultimate school.

From Courage to Change of March 10;

Part of my recovery has involved reversing some old ways of thinking. It had been my habit to avoid painful feelings and situations, to play it safe and keep away from risk. But life involves one risk after another, and some pain is unavoidable. Al-Anon helps me to accept what is.

Instead of running away, I am learning to look at the source of my distress. As a result, I find that pain passes much more quickly, and what I gain is freedom from fear. Al-Anon gives me tools, such as the Fourth Step inventory, with which I can take an honest look at myself and my situation. A supportive Sponsor, my Higher Power, the Serenity Prayer, and my Al-Anon meeting help me to find the courage to deal with fear, pain, and risk.

When I was avoiding taking risks, fear was always with me, just over my shoulder. Now I go through it and come out the other side, often unscathed. I no longer have to keep a constant watch for potential dangers. Instead, I can occupy myself with living.

Today’s Reminder

Wonderful things can happen today because I welcome the thrill of participating in my own life.

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller

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Artwork by Larry Fanning

My Father once told me that the only way to overcome fear is to face whatever is causing it. He encouraged me to become bold. Anxiety was something I know that he dealt with on a regular basis, but his bold actions would not reveal that struggle. The idea in recovery of taking overwhelming actions one day at a time has been quite helpful. I often lock myself into a direction through various commitments because I know that the tendency to quit and retreat into a small darkened den and hide is ever within me. I share my Father’s anxiety genetically I suppose, but the encouragement to be bold regardless of that inner pain has helped me find more moments of serenity after the inner storm has lost its source. The 12 Steps are possible only with small, continual footfalls of courage.

From Courage to Change of March 9;

I often struggle to know what is my will and what is God’s. I feel serenity slipping from me while a war is waged within my mind and loud voices urge me to take one path or another.

Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. I don’t have an instruction book, so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions. I know that when I feel a desperate urge to act, it is usually my will that is pushing, and when I feel a calm certainty, it is usually God’s. But much of the time, I don’t have such a clear indication. What then? Sometimes I wait for clarity or try to listen more closely for guidance; I may share my confusion and ask for the wisdom of others; or I may just make a choice, take an action, and see what happens.  More will be revealed when the time is right, no matter what choice I make. Since I have turned my will and my life over to God, any choice I make can be used to carry out His will.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will remember that uncertainty is not a fault but an opportunity. Everything I do and everything that crosses my path — people, situations, ideas — all have the potential to contribute to my growth and understanding. Just for today, I don’t have to know what that contribution will be.

“There lives  more faith in honest doubt, Believe me, than in half the creeds.” ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

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The unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking is doubt. The unavoidable companion. I like that. That resonates.

For me the purpose of the struggle in segregating my will from that of my God is the realization that the GOMU (God of my understanding) is not looking to create a robotron attitude in me. I believe that the love of my Father wants me to trust, learn, and decide for myself that my truest, deepest Self will is an echo of GOMU’s heart. The testing of this life is to rip away enough isolated self-deception to see how fulfilled I am in caring about others and how much I enjoy experiencing life. My Father does not want to see me lobotomized into blind obedience. GOMU wants me to stop and ask questions and to appreciate the mystery of the Infinite One vying for my attention. It seems to me that God’s will is more of a radiance from Source than a straight line on a map. In practical terms, this means that my Step 3 / Step 11 journey may have many possible lines on that map without any one of them deviating from God’s will for me. My Papa loves and honors my freedom. What a magnificent mystery to live out.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”  / “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” ~ Steps 3 & 11 of Alcoholics Anonymous

The struggle for me comes from the hunger for maps over mystery. But that is not a relationship. That would be mindless slavery. And that is not the heart of my Father.

From Courage to Change of March 8;

One of the wonderful benefits I receive by going to Al-Anon meetings is that I find new ways to work my program. The Chairperson at one of my favorite meetings passed around a basket full of Al-Anon slogans and suggested that we each take one and try to apply it to this day. It was remarkable how many of us seemed to get the perfect slogan!

The very next day I found myself in a stressful situation. I was struggling to solve a tough problem, growing frustrated and upset but no closer to a solution. I asked my Higher Power for help and suddenly remembered that basket. In my mind, I imagined myself reaching once more  into a basket full of slogans. Again I got exactly what I needed: The slip of paper I pictured reminded me that “Easy Does It.” I stopped trying to force a solution and waited until I could approach the problem more gently. I felt much better, my thinking was clearer, and in time a solution appeared.

Today’s Reminder

It is not always easy to know which Al-Anon tool to apply, especially in the middle of a crisis. I am grateful for a Higher Power who knows my needs, and for meetings that help me to find new ways to put these tools to work in my life.

“As we learn to depend upon our Higher Power through applying the Al-Anon program to our lives, fear and uncertainty are replaced by faith and confidence.” ~ One Day at a Time om Al-Anon

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Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fan of Star Trek. When I look at Captain Picard and Locutus of the Borg, I see the battle between Me as the Captain of my Soul, and Soju of Alcoholism as a major personification of the Anti-Me. This entity that lives within my psyche has a dehumanizing support network much like the Borg. And like the Borg, a weapon is only successful if it can quickly change frequencies because the soul-sucking collective adapts quickly. In the program, there is not just one way to approach the disease of my mind. Variation prevents the Anti-Me collective from weakening and overcoming the gift of neutrality that my Higher Power provides. I switch up between prayer, meetings, study of literature, counseling, friends, service, visiting new meetings, seeing where religion is right, rule 62, pulling back for reflective solitude (not isolation), and so on. I refuse to let my enemy find me predictable. To do this successfully my thinking has had to become more and more on the “plane of inspiration.” As it says on page 87 of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have come to rely upon it.

From Courage to Change of March 7;

In Al-Anon I discovered that I needed to make changes in myself. After a lifetime of living with a disease of attitudes — alcoholism — I didn’t think very highly of myself, so I didn’t have much faith that anything good could come out of my efforts.

I learned better by watching my son’s silkworms. Silkworms are fat and greedy creatures, but out of their own substance, they create something beautiful. They have no choice in the matter. They were born to express this beauty.

I, too, can transform something negative into something positive; by changing my self-defeating attitudes, I become a more beautiful human being. I was born with this beauty inside me, and if I will only allow myself, I can express it freely. Al-Anon helps me learn to put love first in my life. And gratitude, a cornerstone of my Al-Anon recovery, brings hidden loveliness clearly into view.

Today’s Reminder

Today I can spin a little silk and let it grace everything I touch. I don’t have to look back to past ugliness except to learn from it, to enhance the present, and to release whatever beauty  is trapped behind old secrets and self-defeating attitudes. One day at a time I can delight in the splendid person I am becoming.

“Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness . . .  until it flowers again from within . . . ” ~ Galway Kinnell

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Saint Francis and the Sow

From Courage to Change of March 6;

Al-Anon has helped me realize that no one readily knows what is in my heart, mind, and soul. I can’t expect my needs to be met unless I first explain what those needs are. Nor can I expect any one person to meet all those needs, even if I make them clear. If the first person I ask for help is unable to provide it, I can ask someone else. This takes the pressure off all of us.

Before I began my Al-Anon recovery, I expected those closest to me to know what I was feeling without my telling them. When I was angry and wanted to argue, I silently fumed. When I was hurt and wanted comfort, I pouted. When I wanted attention, I talked non-stop. I couldn’t understand why I rarely got the responses I expected!

I no longer expect anyone to read my mind. I also accept that I can’t read the mind of a loved one. Today I treat the people in my life with more respect because I am learning to ask for what I need and to encourage others to do the same.

Today’s Reminder

Help, comfort, and support are available to me. I am willing to reach out for what I need today.

“. . . I cannot expect anyone to help me unless I am willing to share that I need help.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

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Needs. Air, Food, Water, and Shelter. These are the basic, common, and critical needs of all animals – the human included. Any quick appraisal of another’s living condition will reveal the deficit of one or more of these needs. It is not as simple when I explore the inner life of the individual. If my body is in need of energy, my genetic memory may send me on a search for true sugars. Yet I live in the post modern world where processed sugars abound and is interpreted by my body as a potential energy source. My genetic memory does not filter out the accumulative toxicity of this relatively new source of energy. The ancient mind is primal and simple.

I am sapient and have moved beyond the primal simplicity of my ancestors. My internal needs have become as critical as the basic ones, and yet far more difficult for me to clearly define. The array of options to answer all my needs overwhelms my genetic memory. The impulse of the beast is just as likely to produce road kill as it is to render victory. It thus becomes imperative to know myself, from animal to spirit, and this takes time and self-reflection. How can I present to others my needs when I have taken little or no time to know what they truly are? This is my first sapient need: To know myself. Socrates is quoted as saying “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” And in recovery we are fond of quoting from Shakespeare when we say “To Thine Own Self be True.” The rest of that quote is “…”And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst then not be false to any man.” Honesty is the fruit of knowing myself. It is the true sugar my soul needs to feed upon to empower the search to fulfill my actual needs.