Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal craving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world.  Still a child, he cries for the moon.  And the moon, it seems, won’t have him!”  (The Language of the Heart, page 102)

While drinking I seemed to vacillate between feeling totally invisible and believing I was the center of the universe.  Searching for that elusive balance between the two has become a major part of my recovery.  The moon I constantly cried for is, in sobriety, rarely full;  it shows me instead its many other phases, and there are lessons in them all.  True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery, the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer.

END OF QUOTE

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(feeling of inferiority) childish sensitivity = (craving for self-approval and success in eyes of world) insatiable, abnormal = Immature child cries for the unobtainable and experiences a rejection he has manufactured.

|-invisibility| – |+center of universe| = drinking (0) in response to manufactured rejection

(|-invisibility| + |+center of universe|)/2 = balance in recovery

It appears to me that creating formulas of internal logic to prove to myself that I am significant is a common pathway for manufactured rejection.  I scream out to my surrounding universe, “I am either Everything, or I am Nothing, what is Your answer going to be!”

I hold myself hostage because I desperately want to be number one with something or somebody.  I carry within me a very frightened child.  The recovery program teaches me to turn the situation around, and look to the GOMU (God of my understanding) and ask that question of myself.  I give to the Universe what I desperately want to receive.  My new question then is, when I consider my God, can I give myself to an all-consuming everything relationship?  If I need to receive that, I need to learn how to give it.  I am an alcoholic, and I have approached life with an everything or nothing attitude.  By giving what i desire to have in my primary spiritual relationship, I will discover just how significant my existence is to my God.  Then I can find balance and learn from all phases of the Moon.

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (page 53, Alcoholics Anonymous)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man’s. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.  (As Bill Sees It, page 222)

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people did to me. Once I came to A.A. I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was – humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them – and myself – and those with whom I had the differences; from there, recovery is just a short distance ahead.

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For me, when I made my list of resentments, I primarily resented my own weakness and God’s apathy.  Everyone else played minor roles reflecting this primary inner conflict. Working the 4th step lead me to a personal list of damning expectations that I placed on myself, on God, and on others. I completed the 4th step three times over the course of several years, and on the final round my sponsor wrote in red ink, “Rule 62.” The story of Rule 62 can be found in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions talking about tradition 4, pages 146 – 149. It is simply a call for humility that will save the alcoholic / addict from the tyranny of these damning expectations. Rule 62: “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 44)

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn’t think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this “need” can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, but I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval, that’s fine; but if I don’t, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.

Similarly, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the A.A. program, my aim is to improve my character.

END OF QUOTE

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In the recovery rooms I have often heard my alcoholic disease personified.  King Alcohol.  Lower Power.  It wants to cut me off and kill me.  It desires this, like some living, snarling devil.

In my churchian days, I used to blame a lot on the devil.  It was a good way for me to avoid dealing with difficult issues head-on. I can remember telling my former wife when we argued that this was Satan working to rip us a part. So, we avoided issues that should have been brought out into the open. We had money difficulties and I framed it as our own personal martyrdom in the face of a devil that does not want us to prosper.  I gave to the church in hopes of a magical solution rather than working to change my approach to life.

I believe that the taproot of my addiction is a continuous level of anxiety. If the normal non-threat level of natural anxiety is a 01, I walk around with a 03. A stress producing event that ramps up that level by another 3 points would cause a normal person to be at 04 and would cause me to jump to a panic level of 06. This causes my emotions to have an exaggerated effect on me. Learning to find serenity is not just a good idea for me, it is life and death. I want what everyone else wants, I just want it more and quicker. I have to be able to process life on life’s terms as opposed to life on fear’s terms.

In order to find serenity, I have to know the truth about me. I must learn to process my emotions as servants, not masters. If I do this, the presence of a devil is irrelevant. My addiction is unplugged at the source.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 42)

Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.

To resolve ambivalent feelings, I need to feel a strong and helpful sense of myself. Such an awareness doesn’t happen overnight, and no one’s self-awareness is permanent. Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. When I don’t avoid issues but met them directly, always trying to resolve them, they become fewer and fewer.

END OF QUOTE

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What am I looking for when I am conducting a fearless moral inventory?  The contributor to today’s reflection say that I am seeking out Inner Liabilities, the Warped places in me produced by (Exaggerated) Natural Desires, my Inner Sources of Unhappiness to others and myself, Emotional Deformities, Unresolved Ambivalent Feelings, Personal Issues, and ways to resist the Temporary State of my Self-Awareness.

What happens when I know these things about myself?  What am I seeking to do about it?  The contributor says that I am seeking Correction, Sobriety, and Contentment. I am looking to build a Strong and Helpful Sense of Myself knowing that it will be a Long Term and Repetitive Process requiring willingness and persistent effort. I am seeking an Honest, Truthful Encounter with Reality to Foster Growth and Self-Awareness. I am to meet my personal Issues Directly and Attempt to Resolve them.

The moral inventory is a solitary intelligence gathering process. The sponsor is there to help keep me from being bogged down in morbid self-reflection or to give up in an old habit of denial. The power of the corrective action I take with my sponsor’s help will be proportional to the determined accuracy of my intelligence gathering mission.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

On the A.A. calendar it was Year Two . . . A new-comer appeared at one of these groups . . . He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well. . . . [He said], “Since I am the victim of another addiction even worse stigmatized than alcoholism, you may not want me among you.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 141-42)

I came to you – a wife, mother, woman who had walked out on her husband, children, family. I was a drunk, a pill-head, a nothing. Yet no one denied me love, caring, a sense of belonging. Today, by God’s grace and the love of a good sponsor and a home group, I can say that – through you in Alcoholics Anonymous – I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a woman. Sober. Free of pills. Responsible.

Without a Higher Power I found in the Fellowship, my life would be meaningless. I am full of gratitude to be a member of good standing in Alcoholics Anonymous.

END OF QUOTE

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I carry a bit of anxiety with me most of the time. It is taking longer than I would like to work on it and make serenity a way of life rather than of series a events. That anxiety often manifests most strongly in social situations. It is hard for me to connect. I imagine that is not an uncommon situation for the alcoholic / addict. I discovered that certain social rituals are meant to encourage members to risk opening up. “My name is Whoever and I am an alcoholic.” The group responds, “Hello Whoever.” We hold hands to establish our physical link to establish our circle of mutual protection during the prayer. In service and sponsorship we make connections and gain courage to share our reality and to taste the message of recovery. The 12 Step Fellowship has given me some of the closest friends I have ever had. I am hopeful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“. . . sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.” (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 101)

I think these words apply to every area of A.A.’s Three Legacies:  Recovery, Unity, and Service!  I want them etched in my mind and life as I “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164).  These words, often spoken by co-founder Bill W., were appropriately said to him as the result of the group’s conscience.  It brought home to Bill W. the essence of our Second Tradition:  “Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”

Just as Bill W. was originally urged to remember, I think that in our group discussions we should never settle for the “good,” but always strive to attain the “best.”  These common strivings are yet another example of a loving God, as we understand Him, expressing Himself through the group conscience.  Experiences such as these help me to stay on the proper path of recovery.  I learn to combine initiative with humility, responsibility with thankfulness, and thus relish the joys of living my twenty-four hour program.

END OF QUOTE

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The human mind and heart can detect the good.  Sometimes we discover the better, but can anyone really see the best?  This sounds to me like another form of perfectionism.  In keeping with the spirit of  seeking progress rather than perfection, I reword the quote to say that sometimes the good solution perceived by the solitary mind is the enemy of the better solution revealed in the group conscience.  The best solution is something I suspect is visible only to the Infinite One, and often comes to me disguised as the better solution of the group conscience.  Is that because the best solution is wrapped up in being able to connect with each other and God?

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

They are servants. Theirs is the sometimes thankless privilege of doing the group’s chores. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 134)

In Zorba the Greek, Nikos Kazantzakis describes an encounter between his principal character and an old man busily at work planting a tree. “What is it you are doing?” Zorba asks. The old man replies: “You can see very well what I’m doing, my son, I’m planting a tree.” But why plant a tree,” Zorba asks, “if you won’t be able to see it bear fruit?” and the old man answers: “I, my son, live as though I were never going to die.” The response brings a faint smile to Zorba’s lips and as he walks away, he exclaims with a note of irony:  “How strange – I live as though I were going to die tomorrow!”

As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have found that the Third Legacy is a fertile soil in which to plant the tree of my sobriety. The fruits I harvest are wonderful: peace, security, understanding and twenty-four hours of eternal fulfillment; and with the soundness of mind to listen to the voice of my conscience when, in silence, it gently speaks to me, saying: You must let go in service. There are others who must plant and harvest.

END OF QUOTE

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What is the Third Legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous?  I had to go ask the Google Guru that question after reading today’s contribution to the Daily Reflections.  I found the following site:

[ http://www.silkworth.net/aahistory/billw2/3legacy.html ]

Basically, the First Legacy is the Twelve Steps designed to secure recovery for the individual members of AA. The Second Legacy is the Twelve Traditions designed to foster unity in the AA Fellowship. Finally, the Third Legacy is the General Service Conference in order to preserve and expand the functionality of AA service. In the 12th annual General Service Conference, the 12 Concepts for World Service were adopted.

First Legacy – 12 Steps – Individual Recovery

Second Legacy – 12 Traditions – Fellowship Unity

Third Legacy – 12 Concepts – World Service

The Zorba the Greek reference reminds me of a quote of Mahatma Gandhi; “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety my call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 563)

Prior to A.A., I often felt that I didn’t “fit in” with the people around me.  Usually “they” had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn’t jibe with “theirs.”  The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining A.A., I found the way of life I had been searching for. In A.A. no member is better than any other member; we’re just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

END OF QUOTE

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For me, there is no more “us and them.” I am not a part of a religious group that is sent forth to convert those in need of rescue. I am available to those who chose to quit drinking and wish to utilize the 12-step program. I do not preach dogmatic demands to filter and control those seeking help. I want to stay alive while still resident on Earth and that survival is wrapped up in being available to others who desire to live while they are alive.

It is such a relief to be freed of the burden of guilt that was my life as a churchian. “Why aren’t you getting out there and knocking on doors? Why aren’t you selling the exclusive path of salvation to those who might die tonight and burn in an everlasting torment because you wanted to watch TV? If you are ashamed and embarrassed to publicly proclaim Him, He will be ashamed and embarrassed of you when you get to Heaven. Be perfect and holy as your Father in Heaven is perfect and holy, because this is the only way you will have a relationship with Him, and the only way the world will be kept from hell fires. You are the only Bible some people will ever read.” I am not the threatening voice of the chosen One, that you must heed to escape a God with a really big grudge against and a psychopathic embrace of his creation.

We are in this together, as alcoholics and as fellow humans. I had a problem when I first entered the rooms and everyone held hands and recited the Lord’s Prayer. I overcame that by keeping my eyes open, and looking around at all of my fellows holding on to each other. We create our own infinity in that circle and our prayer is not based on dogma. It is based on the simple equality of working out this life together, evading the religious hijack of our spirituality through our own vision of Gomu (God of my understanding).

“To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.  It is open, we believe, to all men.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We trust that we already know what our several freedoms truly are;  that no future generation of AAs will ever feel compelled to limit them. Our AA freedoms create the soil in which genuine love can grow . . .  (The Language of the Heart, page 303)

I craved freedom. First, freedom to drink; later freedom from drink. The A.A. program of recovery rests on a foundation of free choice.  There are no mandates, laws or commandments. A.A.’s spiritual program, as outlined in the Twelve Steps, and by which I am offered even greater freedoms, is only suggested. I can take it or leave it. Sponsorship is offered, not forced, and I come and go as I will. It is these and other freedoms that allow me to recapture the dignity that was crushed by the burden of drink, and which is so dearly needed to support an enduring sobriety.

END OF QUOTE

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What if freedom is an out-of-body experience? What if the human species is a hybrid of energy and organic structure? What if the energy manifestation of our existence establishes our self-awareness and our hunger for this true freedom? The best dreams I have experienced are when I am flying. I never have wings, just a strong awareness of something within.

It seems to me that all of our technology is designed to tweek the wheelchair that escorts our organic structure, so that we might experience a reality akin to flying free.

The only time these dreams of flying become a nightmare is when I consider the possibility of falling. I remember my organic structure and its vulnerabilities. I fear, and I begin to descend.

There is a story I remember of a Messiah walking on water. From the pack of fearful disciples, one calls out  “If it is you, call to me so that I may come to you on the water.”

The classroom of the Universe gets quiet as he responds, “Come.”

A human mind became aware of the reality of its energy manifestation, its spirit, and stepped out on the water. Then he remembered his organic structure and its vulnerabilities. He feared.

The Messiah was wrought with disappointment as he rescued his student from sinking. Almost.  Humanity almost woke up to the reality of their powerful spirits.

The freedoms of AA are protective in nature.  It protects our opportunity for sobriety.  I look at sobriety as a spiritual freedom along a path of transformation. I wonder how many “almost” moments AA has given the Universe.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit you faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  May God bless yo and keep you – until then.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

These words put a lump in my throat each time I read them.  In the beginning it was because I felt, “Oh no!  The Teaching is over.  Now I’m on my own.  It will never be this new again.”  Today I feel deep affection for our A.A. pioneers when I read the passage, realizing that it sums up all of what I believe in, and strive for, and that  – with God’s blessing – the teaching is never over, I’m never on my own, and every day is brand new.

END OF QUOTE

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I harvest the following magical ideas from this reflection:

The Fellowship of the Spirit in which I am never on my own,

The Road of Happy Destiny in which the teaching never ends,

And every day is made new by Gomu (God of my understanding),

one day at a time.