Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections (late);

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need to ask also for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will.  Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

END OF QUOTE

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I am grateful to Gomu (God of my understanding) for the freedom from alcoholic domination.  I am grateful that I have a restored and more real relationship with my God.  I am grateful that I have a safe place to recover and grow.  I am so very grateful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.

Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.   (The Language of the Heart, page 238)

Years of dependency on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependency, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

END OF QUOTE

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Ultimate Goal:  Stability of Emotional Sobriety.

Training Goal:  Capability to interact emotionally with my fellows.

1.  Lose faith in isolated self-reliance, isolated self-sufficiency, and isolated self-motivation in a world of unreliable and uncontrollable people. (I am powerless over my emotions and my relationships have become unmanageable).

2.  Examine every disturbance to find root of unhealthy dependency and consequent unhealthy demand.  Prayer radio in for supernatural intervention to counter destructive dependencies and demands.  (Came to believe in God who could restore me to Sanity, which is life based on truth).

3. As Higher Power intervenes, exercise freedom to live and love, twelfth stepping myself and others into emotional sobriety.  (Made a decision that will lead to action; a decision to turn will and emotional lives over to God).

I see that this process implies connection with others who desire this goal of emotional sobriety, a habit of self-examination, and a surrender to prayerful contact with Gomu (God of my understanding).

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 25)

It was painful to give up trying to control my life, even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life’s terms will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God’s care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through these times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

END OF QUOTE

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As a child, I was a sponge that matured by absorbing the resources of my environment.  I was wide open and vulnerable and responded to powerful, irresistible natural forces that increased the realm of my mind, heart, and body.  As I approached physical maturity my growth became more of a matter of choice.  My willingness to experience and endure pain is a primary dynamic of growth in my adult life.  My ability to stay open-minded and vulnerable during these transitional periods convert pain into humility.  This humility allows me to support the healing of  the lethal pain in others.  As a result, I grow into a new spiritual awakening with the power to live as a more powerful version of myself.  Humility is the raw resource of growth through connection.  The mantra often used for physical training is true in the realm of the spirit as well; No pain, no gain.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted.

In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first, and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 71)

Time and again I approached the Seventh Step, only to fall back and regroup. Something was missing and the impact of the Step escaped me. What had I overlooked? A single word: read but ignored, the foundation of all the Steps, indeed the entire Alcoholics Anonymous program – that word is “humbly.”

I understood my shortcomings: I constantly put tasks off; I angered easily; I felt too much self-pity; and I thought, why me? Then I remembered, “Pride goeth before the fall,” and I eliminated pride from my life.

END OF QUOTE

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“I eliminated pride from my life.”  Wow.  Really?  Hmmm.  I can believe that pride has been spotlighted in one’s life as a useless characteristic and has lost credibility as one realizes the social pain and personal weakness it fosters.  It is not the same thing as self-esteem or self-confidence.  It is not the same thing as drawing inspiration from iconic associations, such as a pride in one’s country or children or ancestors.

This pride is the attempt to shine the world’s attention on what I perceive to be my strongest presentation, while hiding my short-comings and failings.  This pride defies the ability to be truthful about myself and my place in this life.  It is this pride that precedes a fall.

The same God that helped put me in a state of neutrality toward alcohol can help me find the roots that feed my pride and make them obsolete.  This is my hope.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

How often do I focus on my problems and frustrations? When I am having a “good day” these same problems shrink in importance and my preoccupation with them dwindles. Wouldn’t it be better if I could find a key to unlock the “magic” of my “good days” for use on the woes of my “bad days?”

I already have the solution! Instead of trying to run away from my pain and wish my problems away, I can pray for humility! Humility will heal the pain. Humility will take me out of myself. Humility, that strength granted to me by that “power greater than myself,” is mine for the asking! Humility will bring balance back into my life. Humility will allow me to accept my humanness joyously.

END OF QUOTE

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It seems that my life and these writings are running in a supernatural parallel.   I have lived too long dominated by fear and it has kept me locked up inside.  What is it like to walk this earth in serenity?   What do I need to do?  I just ask and keep on asking until I find God’s open door unlocked by a key forged in the depths of my heart.  Is this true?

I’ll take this challenge and ask for this humility.  I want to come outside of myself and live.  The song lyrics form Neil Diamond’s JLS music just came to me.  My heart spoke the “Dear Father” and I was answered with the “Be.”  I was so starving, and this is good food.  I pray that you to will be filled in the asking.

DEAR FATHER
Dear Farther
We dream )))
While we may
Who are we to need
We need ))
While we wait ))

BE
Lost
On a painted sky
Where the clouds are hung
For the poet’s eye
You may find him
If you may find him
There
On a distant shore
By the wings of dreams
Through an open door
You may know him
If you may

Be
As a page that aches for a word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the Sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way

And we dance
To a whispered voice
Overheard by the soul
Undertook by the heart
And you may know it
If you may know it

While the sand
Would become the stone
Which begat the spark
Turned to living bone
Holy, holy
Sanctus, sanctus

Be
As a page that aches for a word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the Sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God’s will, was missing.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 72)

When I first came to A.A., I wanted to find some of the elusive quality called humility. I didn’t realize I was looking for humility because I thought it would help me get what I wanted, and that I would do anything for others if I thought God would somehow reward me for it. I try to remember now that the people I meet in the course of my day are as close to God as I am ever going to get while on this earth. I need to pray for knowledge of God’s will today, and see how my experience with hope and pain can help other people; if I can do that, I don’t need to search for humility, it has found me.

END OF QUOTE

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I have read the contribution several times and prayed.  I have been to a meeting and rambled out some words.  I would like to be useful, but I have an abundance of fear and loneliness today.  I feel like that child whistling in the dark.  It is not that I desire a drink.  The reward from God I seek is relief from this anxiety.  I am studying for the Praxis II test for Grad school and having a difficult time focusing.  If I find something better than a belly full of personal issues, I will share that later on.  Thank-you for your patience.

================SIX HOURS LATER===============

I am better now.  Sorry about the emotional lapse.

I hear the contributor saying that when he first came to AA, he valued himself above others.  He had come to realize that his motives were to move God and life to bend in response to his efforts.  The correction to this selfish delusion was to recognize the equal value and place before God and the Universe that other people held.  He now desires to see how he can bend and move to fulfill the will of his God and to help others with his particular experience in both hope and pain.  Our work is a cooperative effort, but the ultimate results such as sobriety and humility are given to us through our connection with Gomu (God of my understanding).

I have also been given a measure of peace that will allow me to get back to studying once I get some sleep.  It is good to see the powerful gifts that come from dependence on my Higher Power.  I am grateful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. . . . Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 70)

Why do I balk at the word “humility”? I am not humbling myself toward other people, but toward God, as I understand Him. Humility means “to show submissive respect,” and by being humble I realize I am not the center of the universe. When I was drinking, I was consumed by pride and self-centeredness. I felt the entire world revolved around me, that I was master of my destiny. Humility enables me to depend more on God to help me overcome obstacles, to help me with my own imperfections, so that I may grow spiritually. I must solve more difficult problems to increase my proficiency and, as I encounter life’s stumbling blocks, I must learn to overcome them through God’s help. Daily communion with God demonstrates my humility and provides me with the realization that an entity more powerful than I is willing to help me if I cease trying to play God myself.

END OF QUOTE

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For me, humility is something I do within myself that has profound outward expressions.  I hunger for power and control over my world, but my isolated heart produces only powerlessness and a progressively unmanageable life.  God introduces me to truth which is the foundation of sanity.  I make an agreement to let God manage me while he continues to introduce me to my true self.  I embrace the courage necessary to become vulnerable to a small circle of trust.   God weeds the garden of my life so that which is truly me, that my Source planted in the beginning, can come out.

The real delusion for me is that there was ever a choice between humility and powerful lone wolf self expression.  Nothing in nature lives and prospers in isolation.  If I get a job, I humble my will to the expectations of an employer.  When I joined the military, I humbled myself to the fulfillment of mission.  When I camped in the forests, I humbled myself to the requirements of survival in the elements.  When I married, I humbled myself to the needs of intimacy.  The only real choice I have every been given is what I am going to humble myself to.

The inner work of humility produces an outer expression of respect for others and a trust in something that loves us and does magical things with those who chose to humble themselves to the requirements of intimacy with a Higher Power.  Let this humility have its completed work in me, and let it be demonstrated in my own usefulness to others.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than as something we must have.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Either the A.A. way of life becomes one of joy or I return to the darkness and despair of alcoholism. Joy comes to me when my attitude concerning God and humility turns to one of desire rather than of burden. The darkness in my life changes to radiant light when I arrive at the realization that being truthful and honest in dealing with my inventory results in my life being filled with serenity, freedom, and joy. Trust in my Higher Power deepens, and the flush of gratitude spreads through my being. I am convinced that being humble is being truthful and honest in dealing with myself and God. It is then that humility is something I “really want,” rather than being “something I must have.”

END OF QUOTE

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There is a discipline that goes with being humble.  It is hard for me to keep to the protective rituals of the program without a vision of where I want to go.  Abstinence involves work necessary to put distance between me and the first drink.  In the beginning of my journey, humility looked religious and demanding.  Sobriety is the work necessary to make alcohol obsolete in my life.  My alcoholic delusions are replaced with visions of joy, radiant spiritual illumination, and being filled with serenity, freedom, and more joy.  The humility of abstinence is weighted by the burden of leaving my disease.  The humility of sobriety is the labor of love that draws me closer to God.  The tasks are the same; it is me that changes.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . when we have taken a square look at some of these defects, have discussed them with another, and have become willing to have them removed, our thinking about humility commences to have a wider meaning.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

When situations arise which destroy my serenity, pain often motivates me to ask God for clarity in seeing my part in the situation. Admitting my powerlessness, I humbly pray for acceptance. I try to see how my character defects contributed to the situation. Could I have been more patient? Was I intolerant? Did I insist on having my own way? Was I afraid? As my defects are revealed, I put self reliance aside and humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. The situation may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of placing my reliance in a power greater than myself.

END OF QUOTE

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I have had problems with anxiety throughout my life, at least that which memory allows me to review.  It has always been like a continuous ringing in my ears and a meal that resists digestion and sits in my gut.  When I first went to treatment, I was prescribed the following familiar passage from the Big Book (page 417);

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake…I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

The last two times I performed the 4th step moral inventory two different sponsors told me I need to remember Rule 62; “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously,” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 149)

When I do get a feeling of serenity, I find myself trying to figure out what I did right.  Those times are generally marked by periods of trusting Gomu (God of my understanding).  I think my problem lies in the phrase from our Reflections contributor, the practice of exercising humility.

Nathaniel Branden wrote in The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, “A practice implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”

I am powerless to produce this way of behaving and being in my life.  I need a power greater than my fits and starts and crisis responses.  I need Gomu to be the God of my consistency.  I have hope that by recognizing the issue and asking for help, I will again experience the miracle of personal transformation.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 70)

The subject of humility is a difficult one. Humility is not thinking less of myself than I ought to; it is acknowledging that I do certain things well, it is accepting a compliment graciously.

God can only do for me what He can do through me. Humility is the result of knowing that God is the doer, not me. In the light of this awareness, how can I take pride in my accomplishments? I am an instrument and any work I seem to be doing is being done by God through me. I ask God on a daily basis to remove my shortcomings, in order that I may more freely go about my A.A. business of “love and service.”

END OF QUOTE

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I have heard of three different kinds of humility while in the rooms of A.A.; Traumatic Humility, Religious Humility, and Connective Humility.

Traumatic humility is inflicted upon me because my isolating pride prevents me from open-minded considerations that might save or improve my life.

we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 48)

Religious humility is when I realize that my life was a threat not only to myself, but to all those who got too close to me.  I had often heard that sometimes the most spiritual thing I can do is to quit hurting people.  It allows us to see what MUST be done to stop the hurt and lay the groundwork for future transformation.

[ WE MUST…]

The most difficult and desired humility for me is that which develops the ability and habit of connecting to others who need my highest manifestation.  The times I have experienced it, I see the intrinsic value in others, not just their usefulness to my well-being.  Without arrogance, I recognize that I have something of value to contribute to the powerful stream of life which produces self-esteem and confidence and makes the mask of delusional pride unnecessary.  It becomes a natural desire to share what has been given to me when I surrender to the principles of this program and the guidance of my Gomu (God of my understanding).  I desire this as a way of life, not just on occasional event.  I know, progress not perfection.

“Carry this message to other alcoholics!  You can help when no one else can.  You can secure their confidence when others fail.  Remember they are very ill.  Life will take on new meaning.  To watch people recover, to see them help others. to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)