Endigar 478 ~ Humility is a Gift

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God’s will, was missing.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 72)

When I first came to A.A., I wanted to find some of the elusive quality called humility. I didn’t realize I was looking for humility because I thought it would help me get what I wanted, and that I would do anything for others if I thought God would somehow reward me for it. I try to remember now that the people I meet in the course of my day are as close to God as I am ever going to get while on this earth. I need to pray for knowledge of God’s will today, and see how my experience with hope and pain can help other people; if I can do that, I don’t need to search for humility, it has found me.

END OF QUOTE

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I have read the contribution several times and prayed.  I have been to a meeting and rambled out some words.  I would like to be useful, but I have an abundance of fear and loneliness today.  I feel like that child whistling in the dark.  It is not that I desire a drink.  The reward from God I seek is relief from this anxiety.  I am studying for the Praxis II test for Grad school and having a difficult time focusing.  If I find something better than a belly full of personal issues, I will share that later on.  Thank-you for your patience.

================SIX HOURS LATER===============

I am better now.  Sorry about the emotional lapse.

I hear the contributor saying that when he first came to AA, he valued himself above others.  He had come to realize that his motives were to move God and life to bend in response to his efforts.  The correction to this selfish delusion was to recognize the equal value and place before God and the Universe that other people held.  He now desires to see how he can bend and move to fulfill the will of his God and to help others with his particular experience in both hope and pain.  Our work is a cooperative effort, but the ultimate results such as sobriety and humility are given to us through our connection with Gomu (God of my understanding).

I have also been given a measure of peace that will allow me to get back to studying once I get some sleep.  It is good to see the powerful gifts that come from dependence on my Higher Power.  I am grateful.

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