Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It may be possible to find explanations of spiritual experiences such as ours, but I have often tried to explain my own and have succeeded only in giving the story of it.  I know the feeling it gave me and the results it has brought, but I realize I may never fully understand its deeper why and how.   (As Bill Sees It, page 313)

I had a profound spiritual experience during an open A.A. meeting, which led me to blurt out, “I’m an alcoholic!” I have not had a drink since that day. I can tell you the words I heard just prior to my admission, and how those words affected me, but as to why it happened, I do not know. I believe a power greater than myself chose me to recover, yet I do not know why. I try not to worry or wonder about what I do not yet know; instead, I trust that if I continue to work the Steps, practice the A.A. principles in my life, and share my story, I will be guided lovingly toward a deep and mature spirituality in which more will be revealed to me. For the time being, it is a gift for me to trust God, work the Steps and help others.

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I have had five spiritual ecstasies and nine profound spiritual experiences that I can remember at this writing.  One of those experiences related to AA and I am sure there are probably more God moments I could verify if I had an eidetic memory.  None of them were drug induced that I am aware of.  There is the possibility that alcohol continued to have physiological impacts even after I had stopped drinking.  I believe these gifts belong to a group like a vaccination, with the individual being the hypodermic needle.  If you have a burning bush experience, then I believe you have a responsibility to transfer it out of yourself and into the collective consciousness.  In other words, it comes with a responsibility.  Bill Wilson’s spiritual experience belonged to AA and not to Bill.  He benefited in his instant deliverance from alcoholic enslavement, but that was so that the gift deposited within him would one day manifest to us.

(CREDIT FOR THE ARTWORK:  http://xxeclipse-thxx.deviantart.com/art/Syringe-157462572)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group?   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 111-112)

My family members suffer from the effects of my disease.  Loving and accepting them as they are just as I love and accept A.A. members—fosters a return of love, tolerance and harmony to my life. Using common courtesy and respecting others’ personal boundaries are necessary practices for all areas of my life.

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I have entered the social laboratory of A.A. looking to develop in me a successful design for living based on the guidance of Gomu, the principles of the program, and the interaction with the fellowship.  I identify powerful events in the rooms and reproduce them in my intimate environment.  We are spiritual scientists of self-transformative power.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn’t very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 116)

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted my powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real “people addict”; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work A.A.’s Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

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Gomu (God of my understanding) is the God of the Result, the God of the Big Picture.  I am the embryonic God of Task Performance, being trained to turn courage into action, discarding guilt for serenity.  I cannot be a child of the Infinite Father and not have the divine flowing through my veins.  I am not a fully developed deity and will not pretend to be one by demanding control over the results of living life.  The reality of being a godling exists only in my connection to the One that loves me.  In disconnected isolation I am a needy stillborn parasite moving from one hapless host to the next.  It seems to me that all this is the design of Gomu. Today, I accept that.

From Daily Reflections of 21 August;

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.  (The Best of Bill, page 46-47)

As long as I try, with all my heart and soul, to pass along to others what has been passed along to me, and do not demand anything in return, life is good to me. Before entering this program of Alcoholics Anonymous I was never able to give without demanding something in return. Little did I know that, once I began to give freely of myself, I would begin to receive, without ever expecting or demanding anything at all. What I receive today is the gift of “stability,” as Bill did: stability in my A.A. program; within myself; but most of all, in my relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

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If Bill Wilson had not been thinking about his own self interests when he went on that business trip to Akron, a critical moment in A.A.’s history would not have occurred.  When he felt his own sobriety threatened after the failed business venture and available bar room, he was filled with a powerful sense of self-preservation and this motivated him to find someone to help.  It was then that he met Dr. Bob.  The martyr’s religion, which teaches to give to the point of self-death, had failed to keep Dr. Bob sober.  It was the paradoxical mystery of selfishly helping others that Bill shared with Bob saving them both from alcoholic tragedy, and laying the foundation for A.A. meetings that have saved my life.

When we talk about giving in recovery, we are not talking about playing a martyred messiah.  So come down from the cross, we need the wood to build our meeting place.

“This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

From Daily Reflections for 20 Aug;

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80)

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on taking the Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.

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The writing of my eighth step list is a field of investigation with great rewards.  It is the beginning of the end to my isolation from my fellows and God.  Its effectiveness is rooted in awareness that produces a hunger for personal change.  This process is uncomfortable, but it can render serenity where once there was guilt.   I will do what it takes to connect.

From http://silkworth.net/aa/promises.html

From Yesterday’s Reflections (Sorry, I got the 18th and 19th twisted) ;

Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 79-80)

Only through positive action can I remove the remains of guilt and shame brought on by alcohol. Throughout my misadventures when I drank, my friends would say, “Why are you doing this? You’re only hurting yourself.” Little did I know how true were those words. Although I harmed others, some of my behavior caused grave wounds to my soul. Step Eight provides me with a way of forgiving myself. I alleviate much of the hidden damage when I make my list of those I have hurt. In making amends, I free myself of burdens, thus contributing to my healing.

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I understand this contribution to say that it is helpful to remove the baggage of guilt and shame to get at deep rooted, possibly subconscious pain.  This seems to imply that the amends process can be a lay the groundwork for deeper healing.  It may also require professional assistance after the guts of the 12 recovery program have had a chance to dig away the rubble of alcoholic consequences.

From Tomorrow’s Daily Reflections;

Referring to our list [inventory] again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67)

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action fit the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

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Shame and resentment was a constant emotional disturbance with flashing images of faces and situations like rushed news coverage of some calamity.  There was no solid footing to address the horror sagas of my inescapable role as a perpetual victim.  This was my alcoholic theatre of the macabre.

The recovery program took me into that freak show and turned on the lights.   The moral inventory was an audit that revealed how much I had invested in the show’s production, and we developed a plan to reclaim my spiritual, mental, and emotional resources and develop an actual adult interactive life.  I no longer have to invest in the tragic production of misery.

I can identify when I am isolating myself and choose instead to connect to my God and my others.  I have replaced the alcoholic tragic drama with the romantic comedy of sobriety.  It is the role of a lifetime starring in “To Thine Own Self  Be True.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 79)

Have you ever thought that the harm you did a business associate, or perhaps a family member, was so slight that it really didn’t deserve an apology because they probably wouldn’t remember it anyway? If that person, and the wrong done to him, keeps coming to mind, time and again, causing an uneasy or perhaps guilty feeling, then I put that person’s name at the top of my “amends list,” and become willing to make a sincere apology, knowing I will feel calm and relaxed about that person once this very important part of my recovery is accomplished.

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I find this contribution to be helpful and insightful, and seems to go along with learning to listen for the guidance of our Higher Power.  For the first time in the three times I have done the steps, I do not feel that nagging notification of unfinished business.  It is a relief that has grown on me.  If anyone else comes to mind I hope that I will remember this peace at knowing I have done what I was able.  I am willing to do more if the opportunity avails itself.  This image is what I was looking at when I first began to feel the weight removed.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80)

I had been to Eighth Step meetings, always thinking, “I really haven’t harmed many people, mostly myself.” But the time came when I wrote my list out and it was not as short as I thought it would be. I either liked you, disliked you, or needed something from you—it was that simple. People hadn’t done what I wanted them to do and intimate relationships were out of hand because of my partners’ unreasonable demands. Were these “sins of omission”? Because of my drinking, I had “dropped out”—never sending cards, returning calls, being there for other people, or taking part in their lives. What a grace it has been to look at these relationships, to make my inventories in quiet, alone with the God of my understanding, and to go forth daily, with a willingness to be honest and forthright in my relationships.

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I have heard it said in the rooms that when we are first getting sober, the greatest service we can offer is to quit hurting other people.  It seems to me that this is a kind of dropping out.  There have been times when I have attempted to push my way into relationship situations to ‘fix it,’ only to make things worse.

There were times that my altered state of mind, caused either by drinking or craving, made it better for everyone if I dropped out for a bit.  As Gomu (God of my understanding) began to restore me to sanity, I have had to learn how to reconnect.  When I look in the mirror, I want to see a man with the strength to be truthful and forthright without recoil from compassion.  I would like to see that same powerful reflection in the eyes of the intimate members of my life.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 79)

This Step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper; and the friends I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable and I feel clean and light.

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I cannot think of anyone else beyond the list I have already made.  I stand willing to make amends to them all and have not rationalized away the wrong I did.  If there are any others, I ask them to be brought to memory.  I ask for the power and opportunity to fulfill them.

(The one good thing about drinking was being able to blame inappropriate expression on an intoxicated mind – please forgive my inappropriate sober expression.)