Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of October 12;

When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 91)

Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me.

END OF QUOTE

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This contribution reminded me of a book I read when I was a much younger man called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen Covey.  Time has eroded much I gained from that first read, but it has been marked in my mind’s archives as an excellent resource.  Maybe I will return for a second encounter.  One story and the seed idea it relayed has stayed with me and seems quite appropriate with this daily reflection.  I will share it with you now.

BETWEEN STIMULUS AND RESPONSE

Frankl was a determinist raised in the tradition of Freudian psychology, which postulates that whatever happens to you as a child shapes your character and personality and basically governs your whole life. The limits and parameters of your life are set, and, basically, you can’t do much about it.

Frankl was also a psychiatrist and a Jew. He was imprisoned in the death camps of Nazi Germany, where he experienced things that were so repugnant to our sense of decency that we shudder to even repeat them.

His parents, his brother, and his wife died in the camps or were sent to the gas ovens. Except for his sister, his entire family perished. Frankl himself suffered torture and innumerable indignities, never knowing from one moment to the next if his path would lead to the ovens or if he would be among the “saved” who would remove the bodies or shovel out the ashes of those so fated.

One day, naked and alone in a small room, he began to become aware of what he later called “the last of the human freedoms” — the freedom his Nazi captors could not take away. They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body, but Viktor Frankl himself was a self-aware being who could look as an observer at his very involvement. His basic identity was intact.

He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him. Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.

In the midst of his experiences, Frankl would project himself into different circumstances, such as lecturing to his students after his release from the death camps. He would describe himself in the classroom, in his mind’s eye, and give his students the lessons he was learning during his very torture.

Through a series of such disciplines — mental, emotional, and moral, principally using memory and imagination — he exercised his small, embryonic freedom until it grew larger and larger, until he had more freedom than his Nazi captors. They had more liberty, more options to choose from in their environment; but he had more freedom, more internal power to exercise his options. He became an inspiration to those around him, even to some of the guards. He helped others find meaning in their suffering and dignity in their prison existence.

In the midst of the most degrading circumstances imaginable, Frankl used the human endowment of self-awareness to discover a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.

 (Image is of Viktor Frankl)

From the Daily Reflections of October 11;

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 91)

My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting.

I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and to others. I returned to my work station, determined to make the day a productive one, thanking God for the chance to make progress that day.

END OF QUOTE

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This is almost exactly what has happened to me today, except I had no desire to fight back.  I instead was filled with an “all is futility” rumination.  I made the same retreat and came to the same conclusions.  Gomu (God of my understanding) is giving me confirmation of the better path I am able to chose because of my training in AA.  And I am ready to get back to work with a more trusting perspective of this recovery process.  It all works out, if you work at it.

(Unable to locate artist for image – viral on internet with no credit)

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I posted the above comment seven years ago on Halloween of 2014. I went to a meeting today that used this Daily Reflections on Self-Restraint as the topic. Here is what I learned as I quietly attended. Emotional reaction often supercedes intelligent response. I have often recognized that emotions make powerful slaves to our carefully understood intent but horrible masters in guiding one’s life choices. The skill to pause and reflect allows me the valuable opportunity to hold my self accountable internally without having to later make an amends outwardly. It empowers me to attain a higher standard of self-expression. It also provides me with a more flexible world of mercy while I am embracing progress rather than perfection in sobriety. It also helps me to become an active listener to the reality of other’s lives in which I discover it is “not about what it’s about.” I also heard a saying that I shall collect and add to this blog:

From the Daily Reflections of October 10;

If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.

END OF QUOTE

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This is not a call to become a Vulcan (Live Long and Prosper) by purging ourselves of all emotional responses.  Anger is natural and may serve a purpose to warn us of changes that need to take place in our approach to life.  I think what the 12 & 12 is identifying as wrong is a seething, festering anger that corrodes the resistance to impulsive, reactive living.  When anger comes, I need to use the steps to process it.  I must insure that it is an event and not a lifestyle.

From the Daily Reflections of October 9;

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

I never truly understood the Tenth Step’s spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors’ disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs will bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person’s spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside,not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.

END OF QUOTE

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It is dangerous to stay in my head when I am disturbed.  Ruminating over my depressive feelings entraps me.  The alcoholic disease wraps around the paralysis of analysis.  I hope that I can let the disturbance signal that action needs to be taken.   I embrace the pragmatic and progressive morality of AA rather than the damning pursuit of perfectionism.  Recognizing that my disturbance is a warning flag for internal issues is a very useful spiritual axiom.

IMAGE FROM: [ http://www.thehorrordome.com/ ]

From the Daily Reflections of October 8;

. . . and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

I was beginning to approach my new life of sobriety with unaccustomed enthusiasm. New friends were cropping up and some of my battered friendships had begun to be repaired. Life was exciting, and I even began to enjoy my work, becoming so bold as to issue a report on the lack of proper care for some of our clients. One day a co-worker informed me that my boss was really sore because a complaint, submitted over his head, had caused him much discomfort at the hands of his superiors. I knew that my report had created the problem, and began to feel responsible for my boss’s difficulty. In discussing the affair, my co-worker tried to reassure me that an apology was not necessary, but I soon became convinced that I had to do something, regardless of how it might turn out. When I approached my boss and owned up to my hand in his difficulties, he was surprised. But unexpected things came out of our encounter, and my boss and I were able to agree to interact more directly and effectively in the future.

END OF QUOTE

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I have some problems with the contributor’s story.  I do not see anything about him talking to others in the recovery network, nor do I read anything about talking to his sponsor, nor anything about prayer and meditation.  It sounds like he made the decision to issue the report and the decision to apologize both in isolation.  If he has a problem with a broken guilt-a-meter from co-dependence or some sort of family abuse, his apology might have been a fear response.  The one person he did talk to, a co-worker, advised him not to apologize.  His boss was taking heat probably because there was some validity to the report.  There was a lack of proper care for some of their clients.  If the boss was part of the problem, going to him to interact directly might not be the best course of action.

I think this points out that we need to talk to Gomu (God of our understanding) and others in the recovery network when we are considering the need for an amends as a result of our daily inventory.  I think to “promptly admit” our confirmed wrong does not mean to impulsively take action without counsel.  It simply means to be proactive in facing the issue.

From the Daily Reflections of October 7;

Continued to take personal inventory. . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

The spiritual axiom referred to in the Tenth Step—”every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us“—also tells me that there are no exceptions to it. No matter how unreasonable others may seem, I am responsible for not reacting negatively. Regardless of what is happening around me I will always have the prerogative, and the responsibility, of choosing what happens within me. I am the creator of my own reality.

When I take my daily inventory, I know that I must stop judging others. If I judge others, I am probably judging myself. Whoever is upsetting me most is my best teacher. I have much to learn from him or her, and in my heart, I should thank that person.

END OF QUOTE

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This may help me establish a more effective 10th step inventory.  If I carry with me a notepad, and write down every time I am disturbed in any way, from inner anxiety to  outward judgement, I can have a memory back-up and begin a specific analysis of my internal struggle and where I need change.  If something goes really well, I can also write that down as something to sustain.  I now have some spiritual meat hooks which is a metaphor for a pragmatic expression of spiritual encouragement.

From the Daily Reflections of October 6;

. . . and Fear says, “You dare not look!”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 49)

How often I avoided a task in my drinking days just because it appeared so large! Is it any wonder, even if I have been sober for some time, that I will act that same way when faced with what appears to be a monumental job, such as a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself? What I discover after I have arrived at the other side—when my inventory is completed—is that the illusion was greater than the reality. The fear of facing myself kept me at a standstill and, until I became willing to put pencil to paper, I was arresting my growth based on an intangible.

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How much of my reality is a mirror of my own self-awareness.  My attitude toward God improves with my improved attitude to Myself.  My emotional response to other people are about my emotions toward myself.  My integrity in outward communication is a reflection of my fearless inward communication.  My acceptance of life on life’s terms reflects the level of acceptance I have allowed for my own humanity.  The most powerful thing I can do is face my way of living and seek spiritual progress, and let that reflect into the world around me.

From the Daily Reflections of October 5;

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

I have more than enough to handle today, without dragging along yesterday’s baggage too. I must balance today’s books, if I am to have a chance tomorrow. So I ask myself if I have erred and how I can avoid repeating that particular behavior. Did I hurt anyone, did I help anyone, and why? Some of today is bound to spill over into tomorrow, but most of it need not if I make an honest daily inventory.

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This is straightforward encouragement to establish and maintain the daily moral inventory.  This is a task were Gomu (God of my understanding) stands back, and lets me practicing being a God-embryo.  It will not and cannot be done for me.  Every time I do it, it is recorded within me that my emotional stability and spiritual sobriety are important to me.  When I neglect it, some catalyzing pain is on its way to help me.  If I embrace life as one big ball of futility completely out of my control, I may surrender to alcoholic oblivion.  Finding my part in the ugly things that have happened in my life is a necessary skill for unshackling my life from them.  Finding my part to play in recovery is a necessary skill for building an effective and meaningful life.

From the Daily Reflections of October 4;

. . . we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 94)

I love spending time in my garden feeding and pruning my beautiful flowers. One day, as I was busily snipping away, a neighbor stopped by. She commented, “Oh! Your plants are so beautiful, it seems such a shame to cut them back.” I replied, “I know how you feel, but the excess must be removed so they can grow stronger and healthier.” Later I thought that perhaps my plants feel pain, but God and I know it’s part of the plan and I’ve seen the results. I was quickly reminded of my precious A.A. program and how we all grow through pain. I ask God to prune me when it’s time, so I can grow.

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And we return to the catalyst effect of pain.  I have often thought that once we become adults, we simply do not grow without pain instigating it and being apart of the process.  I suppose that may be why alcoholics tend to be stunted in their maturity.  We have used alcohol to numb the pain.  We achieve without the inner stability and fortitude to steward those achievements and their associated relationships.  Yet I should avoid the deliberate manufacture of pain, for that is often the disease attempting to justify itself as a solution.  Let life schedule the events and God take control of the results.  I focus on working the tasks that are apart of recovery.  When the pain comes, I work through it, or with it?  This seems to be the life of spiritual empowerment.  I am the plant accepting the painful pruning from Gomu(God of my understanding) who really loves this recovery nursery.

From the Daily Reflections of October 3;

Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.’s can agree with him. . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 93-94)

When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I remember that growth is often painful. My evolution in the A.A. program has taught me that I must experience the inner change, however painful, that eventually guides me from selfishness to selflessness. If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress.

END OF QUOTE

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In the given text  from the Twelve and Twelve, I had problems with the phrase, “pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”  I looked up the definition for touchstone and it did not fit in the context it was taken from. Catalyst would have been a better choice.  I talked with someone in tonight’s meeting about this phrase.  He said that a sponsor had explained it to him that when pain comes our way, we will have a choice in the way we respond to it.  We will either drink or seek a spiritual solution.  The way we respond to that painful call for a decision will reveal our spiritual progress.  That makes sense to me.

The contributor defined spiritual progress as an inner change, possibly painful, that leads me from selfishness to selflessness.  For me, it is more accurate to say that it is a move from isolating selfishness to a willingness to sacrifice for a greater good.  The only time a human being is truly selfless is when he is rotting in the grave.  Selfless is defined as “having little or no concern for oneself.”  That just seems dangerous in recovery.  I have to have some desire for self-preservation and some ambition to live a better life and reap its fruits.  To me, selflessness is what you feel when you have made the decision to commit suicide and you are giving everything away.  So I seek to connect, to move beyond isolating selfishness, and in connection with the recovery network and Gomu (God of my understanding), I seek the will of my Higher Power, which will lead me to a common good for which I have grown willing to make sacrifices.

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