Daily Reprieve

Wow, talk about morbid reflection!  I came home and devoted some time to sleep.  How many times do I have to learn this lesson?  Fatigue equals crappy attitude.  Extreme fatigue equals a free ticket to the straight jacket of projected fear and opportunistic depression.  Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.  I have to learn to let go.  Step Six; Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.  Step Seven; Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.  The magic of these two steps is the awareness of self-destructive behavior that has become as natural as breathing or blinking.  Then, a desired trait is introduced in the intuitive life of meditation.  It is just like the drinking or using.  When the focus was to abstain, I could not.  But when the focus became a lifestyle of sobriety, I no longer had to fight the obsessively destructive behavior.  Confidence infused with serene acceptance is what I desire.  The ability to let go of the day, and trust that I am in the right place at the right time. 

Quiet.  I am tired, but I look back over the day.  I am absolutely amazed at some legal and financial releases that my sponsee received, as though in response to his demonstrated willingness to work this program.  Yet I need some kind of release in my own heart.  What is it that is lodged there.  I shared in a new-comers meeting.  I think my interpretation of the program is becoming clear to me.  But there is something else that needs to happen.  I feel it.  But there is no time for meditation.  I must get some sleep before going into work in a few hours.  I really don’t want to lose my Father, but I do not want to cling to him if it is his time.  I don’t want to lose him.  But I will.  Good Night.

It was a 12 & 12 meeting tonight.  We just happened to be reading on step 6, right were my sponsee has just gotten to.  Steps 6 and 7 make me queasy.  It seems that this is the most likely place for religion to hijack spirituality.  The behaviour control philosophies of centralized religion can eat away at the foundation of powerlessness that set us free from our alcoholism / addiction.  The sin and disease concepts are very different.  Yet similar enough to be like a date rape drug in an otherwise nurturing drink of fellowship.  How do I reconcile this?  Prayer and time and rest needed.  Good night.

My sponsee has finished his 5th step, and that is a significant milestone for both of us.  I know that it might not be wise, but I really want to just lay back.  I also hope that I will be able to do him justice as we progress.  I have paraphrased my own stepwork up to the 4th.  That paraphrasing really helps.  But I would also like to completely read the Big Book at least once.  And I am pushing through the stories right now.  There is a lot of work to be done yet.  I hate the feeling of not meeting goals.  But that kind of internal struggle has gotten me in trouble before.  So I have to know when to let it go.

Just a note, I have added another question and answer to the FAQ’s. 

It was a somber meeting tonight.  A lot of people knew an individual who is currently in ICU because of this disease.  It is one of those meetings where we reflect on the persistent peril of relapse.  What can we do to strengthen our recovery?  There are basic tools, but really, there just isn’t any guarantees.  The program must be taken seriously, but is fearful diligence … I don’t know.  I guess this dose of reality is necessary.  I am more afraid of goals that never get accomplished, dreams that get filed under the fantasy section of life, and a nomadic purposelessness that seems to blow in from time to time.  I would rather life end then for it to remain impotent.  God, here I go.  morbid reflection.  I guess it is time for bed. 

The term “5000lb phone” is recovery slang for the difficulty that alcoholics and addicts have in reaching out, particularly when the mental obsession to drink or use takes hold.  That is why we collect numbers and practice calling others in the program prior to that critical point.  The more normal it feels to call each other, the more likely this can be apart of relapse prevention.  I created a document of individuals I wanted to make a habit of contacting in addition to my sponsor.  So I guess you understand why I would have to password protect it.  Maybe I should just make it private.

Anyway, I am exhausted.  And I really don’t have much else to say tonight.  Good night.

I spent a lot of time with my Father today.  We ate at Pickadilli’s (good cafeteria style food!) and went to the magic shop downtown.  Then he told me that the building that he once worked at is across the street from a place where I go to AA meetings regularly.  We walked down to 5 points and looked around at his old stomping grounds.  We really wore the tread out on those hills.  He is an amazing man, just over 80 and still taking on the hills.  I would like to thank my Higher Power for another day of sobriety, a day I can remember and experience completely.  And the opportunity of having my Dad with me today.  I love and admire him as a great father and as a  faithful friend.  By the way, he is a wizard with circular discipline.  I hope some of it rubs off on me.

I own a consensual slave, and it has been my concern that the requirements of my recovery would eat at my ability to rule over her.  I am attempting to reconcile recovery with my creative sexuality.  It has been quite a challenge.  But I am determined to have the best of both worlds.  I will fight to keep both my slave and my sobriety.  I know recovery must come first, but what good is sobriety without a slave to kiss my feet. 

I am better today, but it took some doing.  My sponsee and I spent some time together this afternoon.  We watched the first part of the movie Fearless with Jet Li.  There are so many elements of the program that are played out there.  Self will run riot.  The jumping off point.  Taking a FEARLESS moral inventory and cleaning house (of death waivers).  It even has the partial amends being taken at his family’s graveside.  His time in the rice paddy is like learning how to live life.  Feeling the breeze is learning to be able to stop and recognize the presence of a Higher Power.  Anyway, I have got to let go of the day and get some sleep.  I do not want a repeat of that roller coaster ride.  Good night.

I hate the emotional roller coaster.  Now a days, it is usually the result of missing sleep.  I hated being at work today, and my confidence level has dropped.  Fighting depression.  I don’t know whether to attempt to make sense out of it or just accept the fact that I can’t figure anything out in this state of mind.  I stayed up late and got up early.  I am exhausted, and I have something that I wanted to do tonight.  It makes me angry.  And unfortunately, there is the desire to drink or use.  something, anything to keep me from being poisoned by the opiate of the masses.  I am so tired.  And I don’t like this life right now.