Daily Reprieve

I was going to delete the previous two word post, but decided to keep it.  It is apart of the reality of sobriety for me.  This program talks much of making contact with a Higher Power.  Maybe because I am so good at making contact with the voice of my Lower Powers of personal fear and self-judgments.  The bad thing is that those brain rattling voices masquerade as the Higher Power.  When the serenity prayer speaks of “courage to change the things I can,” one of the things it is speaking of is how I respond to these Lower Powers in my life.

Forget it.

I have written a letter to my congressman in regards to … doesn’t matter.  Something I wish I did not have to deal with.  Boomerangs I guess.  I am struggling with this.  I have given it to my sponsor to look over and help me check my motives – insure that it is not just a matter of self justification or lashing out. 

In my youth, when I was more religious, and sought to appease a god who struggled to stay interested in me, I seriously considered self castration.  No longer concerned with my more base urgings, I could pursue the power of purity.  Such a being would never be ignored again.  Such a sacrifice would surely be honored in the heavenly realm were no phallus may enter.  We will be as the angels who do not marry.  Some have become eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.  If any member of your body offends, cut it off ~ better to be handicapped then to be denied entrance because of not being able to control yourself.  If a man even thinks about sexual activity, it is the same as if he has already done it. 

I thought that I should also seek the possibility of removing my eyes.  A blind eunuch would surely be an inspiration to the heavenly courts.  Such devotion and focus on eternal things, and such a disregard for the nasty temporary things that get shoved in our faces here on earth.

I was as much a theo-crack addict as I ever was an alcoholic.  I know because sometimes, when a drink seems like it might be a good idea, so does the idea of castration and self-inflected blindness.

I think my slave is also a theo-crack addict.  She has to fight it, to white knuckle it away with her own brand of defensive atheism.  But in the end, she has been taught well to hate her body, her creativeness, the expression of herself.  I should not speak for her.  Too simplistic.  Shooting off the top of the head.  I relate to this though.  I succeed at something, and I am depressed.  I create, and want to actively or passively destroy my work.  Sometimes I would just like to die rather than feel what I feel.  Alcohol was my brand of defensive atheism.  Is there recovery from the theo-crack addiction?

I shared at the meeting tonight.  It is disconcerting that I never know what is going to come out of my mouth, or if it is going to make sense to those who hear it.  But I discovered that the Higher Power in charge of the sharing seems to chose certain individuals to have the gold nugget, others to have reinforcing words, and others to ramble in some form of meandering panic.  The importance of the last group is that it allows others in the meeting realize that if that person can share and it be alright, why can’t I?  If everyone who opened their mouth was a practiced orator, it would be too intimidating of an atmosphere for most addicts / alchies to feel free to share.  Anyway, I am not going to risk the loss of sleep.  I am going to accept the limits of my few hours of wakefulness, and actually surrender.  Let’s see how that works.

It is amazing that getting a good night’s sleep changes my attitude so drastically!  Today was so much better.  Has it always had this impact?  I had heard that my past alcohol use could screw up my brains ability to produce serotonin, which has to do with the ability to sleep and our more positive feelings.  Anyway, I just got through eating at a Mexican restaurant, and I think I am ready for a nap.  Maybe I can get some more of that brain drug going.

Recovering from sleep deprivation again.  Cannot believe it has such an impact on me.  Going to bed.

My mind is fogged with lust today.  I don’t necessarily consider that a bad thing.  I guess it is what I do with it.  It is funny to me that sexuality is discussed on page 69 of the Big Book.  As I understand it, as long as you are not hurting yourself or others in the process, which would include the violation of your own standards and values, recovery makes no particular statement about the frequency, situation, or method of your sexual satisfaction. 

It is my off day, and I am really going to need to spend some time with my slave.  She is such a beautiful creature.  If I could paint, I would have done her face a thousand times by now.  Her eyes are powerful and piercing, luring.  The nose – mouth complex is so intoxicating.  The rest of my descriptions would trace that wonderful hourglass shape of hers and become quite x-rated.  God, I have got to have her.

Can I come up with something associated with recovery in this state of mind?  Freedom.  Freedom to pursue happiness, and my Higher Power, and not see those pursuits as mutually exclusive.  Unfortunately, I still have the mantle of shame in my closet.  It wants to enslave me once more to a life of appeasement.  It wants to give me a God who only tolerates my existence.  Conditional love relationships.  Impossible expectations.  But they grow dusty as I work this program.  I have a new tailor in the 12 step program.  Ouch, please watch the inseam. 

I am tired – but I spent some time talking with my two young ones last night.  I enjoyed it.  I have been working to understand what my personal values are, what I want to be in me no matter what.  I came up with this list, while talking with them:

1.  Gront – the value of the collective power of human beings, the ability to unite, the realization that we are all in this together.  It involves tolerance but goes beyond that.  It goes beyond social empathy.  It is using the hidden connections we have to mutually empower one another.

2.  Integrity – I want to always be true to my word, a man of honor.  I want others to be able to trust and depend on me based on my track record.

3.  Creative Inspiration – I have a saying taped up in my kitchen from Albert Einstein; “The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious.  It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of art and science.  He who knows it not, or can no longer wonder, no longer feel amazement, is as good as dead, a snuffed-out candle.”  I want to truly live until I die, and I think this is essential to achieve that.  It is what provides faith and intensity to life.

4.  Courage – I have heard this described as the ability to put oneself into the zone of uncertainty, and does so on a regular basis.  It is the habit of overcoming our personal fears.  It paves the way for purposefulness and adaption in life.  It is what allows me to ride the winds of chaos.

5. Clarity – When I seek to understand, I am seeking clarity in pursuit.  When I seek to be understood, I seek clarity in presentation.

6.  Persistent Endurance – Christ said to knock, and keep on knocking, and the door shall be opened to you.  Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  So who’s right?  Maybe they are both saying the same thing and I just haven’t caught the paradoxical truth yet.  Maybe you have to really want something, willing to express the quiet desparate insanity of continuing on …I like what Rocky Balboa said to his son; “Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.”  This is life on life’s terms to me.  The quiet burning insanity of continuing to seek even when you haven’t been able to make it happen the 100 times before.  I want to be that crazy man in the ring who just want lay down and die.

7. Power – this one was a hard one to nail down, and I attempted to find another term to express it.  Power as a value is what provides for things such as self-respect, the ability to defend what you believe in, and to dwell in a position of strength.  I value power in all its forms.  I desire to be personally powerful.  This is a paradoxical value when mixed with the need for powerlessness in the program of recovery.    Dirty Harry once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”  Truly knowing yourself seems to me to be essential to obtaining power from the web of the universe. 

Anyway, enough of that for now.  Talk later.

I suffered a bit of a crash after the elation pf picking up my 9 month tag with my home group.  I usually do – any success seems to send me into a tailspin, and depending on the level of achievement, may activate a time of dark, oppressive depression.  I don’t understand this, but since I am going to die in a few decades, I don’t really care to spend much energy on introspection if I can find ways of outlasting it.  Which I think I have done. 

I go to an AA meeting at lunchtime today to pick up my AA 9 month chip.  My sponsee is struggling, riding sobriety like a rodeo horse, getting thrown a couple of times here, but not giving up.  I have come to the conclusion that success or failure is something that is out of our control.  The only question that I am hit with, the only one important to me as a mortal is, “Are you giving up yet?”  That one question and my answer to it seems to decide the strength of my living.  I give the gift of persistence into the web of the universe.  When I take on a particular focus, life asks me a second question, very similar to the first.  “Are you really sure that you want to do that?”  This allows me to throw a determined focus into the web.  My activities are filtered to those things that I really, really desire.  The cute cuddly little dreams that dance in my mind, that threaten to trouble me like tribbles (Star Trek fans will understand my reference) are ground up into hamburger meat to feed my more robust goals.  And ultimately my impact is felt throughout the universe.  I am no victim.  I have a choice.

As for success and failure, they are really the same thing, flip sides of the same card.  Success gives me some breathing space, a chance to stretch out to the warmth of the sun and become a useful part of my environment.  I am meant to be here at this time and place.  Failure forces my roots to grow deeper, to see and accept change.  It is like the death card in the tarot, it is not intrinsictly a bad one to flip up.  Unless you fear change.  Such inflexibility to life’s terms creates a living rigor mortis.

Also, realizing that success is a gift, an anointing from the energy or spirit of the universe keeps me from arrogance.  The resulting humility allows me to say, we are all in this together.  I remember a military officer who seemed to have it all.  He achieved many of the things I desire to.  He owned a black jeep, a motorcycle, and his basement is filled with an armory.  He also has a son and daughter like I do, and has been able to train them in martial arts, marksmanship, scuba diving, and hang gliding.  He ruthlessly disciplines them and pushes them to excel in academics.  As a Colonel, he has plenty of money.  He is also a lawyer.  Something to fall back on.  He is careful about what he eats, and his body is very muscular, he is very strong.  He is a black belt in many forms of martial arts, including one that deals with sword play and weapons usage.  He is unstoppable.  And so is his arrogance.  He judges others harshly, quickly.  He is secretly despised by his peers, by the great masses that struggle through life around him.  He is a social obstacle.  Only those who entertain that their association with him will somehow rub off on them accept his friendship.  I was one of those.  What I thought was camaraderie and mutual respect from him was actually a kind of pity for me.  He saw my service and devotion to this country as a method of keeping me fed.  I was a stray cat in his collection of human pets.  He took that which was sacred to me, and pissed on it.  He is so very sick, and has almost no hope of finding a cure.  His pride is both a fortress wall and a self-made prison.  He would laugh at any message of warning.  He once told me, “Always be able to walk away.”  I think this is a line from the movie Heat.  In my mind, I modified his advice:  “Always be able to walk away, but remember you can never walk away from yourself.”  He is what I would gladly have become if life continually dealt me the success I craved.  I never would have found this way of life that I am so very grateful for.   I was not his victim, I had a choice.

From the Big Book, page 417:  “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at his moment…unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

So here I am.  Answering life.  No I am not ready to tuck my tail and run.  I want to live until I die, to truly live.  I am not giving up today.   I am not life’s victim.  I have a choice.

Yesterday, I secured 9 months sobriety.  I picked up my CA tag tonight.  I am absolutely amazed.  I am at a loss for words tonight, maybe because I have plunged into the excesses of gluttony at IHOP with that wonderful Colorado Omelet.  Maybe it is because I know I have to get back up in a few hours for work.  Regardless of the steady drumbeat of life’s marching orders, I feel a sense of reverence and awe, a moment of quiet intensity that moves beyond reflection.  I have truly experienced something greater than myself, that is working for me.  Prior to this day, I have experienced many greater powers that have worked against me, stood in line to rape me, exploiting my devotion.  Now I am aware of a Higher Power that seems to give a damn about what I give a damn about.  Thank-you Jon.  Good Night.