Endigar 026

My mind is fogged with lust today.  I don’t necessarily consider that a bad thing.  I guess it is what I do with it.  It is funny to me that sexuality is discussed on page 69 of the Big Book.  As I understand it, as long as you are not hurting yourself or others in the process, which would include the violation of your own standards and values, recovery makes no particular statement about the frequency, situation, or method of your sexual satisfaction. 

It is my off day, and I am really going to need to spend some time with my slave.  She is such a beautiful creature.  If I could paint, I would have done her face a thousand times by now.  Her eyes are powerful and piercing, luring.  The nose – mouth complex is so intoxicating.  The rest of my descriptions would trace that wonderful hourglass shape of hers and become quite x-rated.  God, I have got to have her.

Can I come up with something associated with recovery in this state of mind?  Freedom.  Freedom to pursue happiness, and my Higher Power, and not see those pursuits as mutually exclusive.  Unfortunately, I still have the mantle of shame in my closet.  It wants to enslave me once more to a life of appeasement.  It wants to give me a God who only tolerates my existence.  Conditional love relationships.  Impossible expectations.  But they grow dusty as I work this program.  I have a new tailor in the 12 step program.  Ouch, please watch the inseam. 

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