Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80)

I had been to Eighth Step meetings, always thinking, “I really haven’t harmed many people, mostly myself.” But the time came when I wrote my list out and it was not as short as I thought it would be. I either liked you, disliked you, or needed something from you—it was that simple. People hadn’t done what I wanted them to do and intimate relationships were out of hand because of my partners’ unreasonable demands. Were these “sins of omission”? Because of my drinking, I had “dropped out”—never sending cards, returning calls, being there for other people, or taking part in their lives. What a grace it has been to look at these relationships, to make my inventories in quiet, alone with the God of my understanding, and to go forth daily, with a willingness to be honest and forthright in my relationships.

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I have heard it said in the rooms that when we are first getting sober, the greatest service we can offer is to quit hurting other people.  It seems to me that this is a kind of dropping out.  There have been times when I have attempted to push my way into relationship situations to ‘fix it,’ only to make things worse.

There were times that my altered state of mind, caused either by drinking or craving, made it better for everyone if I dropped out for a bit.  As Gomu (God of my understanding) began to restore me to sanity, I have had to learn how to reconnect.  When I look in the mirror, I want to see a man with the strength to be truthful and forthright without recoil from compassion.  I would like to see that same powerful reflection in the eyes of the intimate members of my life.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 79)

This Step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper; and the friends I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable and I feel clean and light.

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I cannot think of anyone else beyond the list I have already made.  I stand willing to make amends to them all and have not rationalized away the wrong I did.  If there are any others, I ask them to be brought to memory.  I ask for the power and opportunity to fulfill them.

(The one good thing about drinking was being able to blame inappropriate expression on an intoxicated mind – please forgive my inappropriate sober expression.)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76)

Making a list of people I had harmed was not a particularly difficult thing to do. They had showed up in my Fourth Step inventory: people towards whom I had resentments, real or imagined, and whom I had hurt by acts of retaliation. For my recovery to be thorough, I believed it was not important for those who had legitimately harmed me to make amends to me. What is important in my relationship with God is that I stand before Him, knowing I have done what I can to repair the damage I have done.

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If the Infinite One wrote out a list of the people I had harmed, would it match the one that I have written?  It is very important to me that there is nothing I have left off, nothing that I have added, that does not match that list made from Gomu’s (God of my understanding) unobstructed view.  I do not want anything to interfere with my God-connection.

Then to you, the One who loved me, If I am wrong, please help me to see it.  If I am falsely condemning myself, help me to see that as well.  Help me to forever put away the habit of lying to myself and others.

“Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.” 

The covenant of step three is still in tact and this willingness is part of that life agreement.  Any lengths at all.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

As I faced the Eighth Step, everything that was required for successful completion of the previous seven Steps came together: courage, honesty, sincerity, willingness and thoroughness, I could not muster the strength required for this task at the beginning, which is why this Step reads “Became willing. . . . “

I needed to develop the courage to begin, the honesty to see where I was wrong, a sincere desire to set things right, thoroughness in making a list, and willingness to take the risks required for true humility. With the help of my Higher Power in developing these virtues, I completed this Step and continued to move forward in my quest for spiritual growth.

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There is a repetitive process for an ideal to be transferred into the practice of daily living.  This process is not done in isolation, because we become smarter with the group conscience, and we become more intuitive in our connection with a Higher Power.  We need to develop four skills to possess the virtues we affirm as life-giving in recovery.

1.  Intellectual Development to establish and understand the ideals of virtue,

2. Imaginative Application to translate virtue to courses of action,

3. Pragmatic Expedition to chose the best course of action,

4. Habit of Task Accomplishment to link the ideals of virtue with daily life.

The virtues introduced in the Eight step have been identified as Reflection, Willingness, and Brotherly Love.  These will be maintained in good Tenth step work.  The other virtues mentioned by the contributor were Courage, Honesty, Sincerity or Integrity, and Thoroughness.  They are introduced in the moral inventory and come to play in the making of the amends list as well.

SEE:  AA Principles and Virtues

It is the water’s steady flow that carves a path through stone.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

As a traveler on a fresh and exciting A.A. journey of recovery, I experienced a newfound peace of mind and the horizon appeared clear and bright, rather than obscure and dim. Reviewing my life to discover where I had been at fault seemed to be such an arduous and dangerous task. It was painful to pause and look backward. I was afraid I might stumble! Couldn’t I put the past out of my mind and just live in my new golden present? I realized that those in the past whom I had harmed stood between me and my desire to continue my movement toward serenity. I had to ask for courage to face those persons from my life who still lived in my conscience, to recognize and deal with the guilt that their presence produced in me. I had to look at the damage I had done, and become willing to make amends. Only then could my journey of the spirit resume.

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I did not want to leave my children a tragic inheritance, yet  I had entered the hell where God was either psychotic or a fairy tale.  Others were nothing more than slobbering, nasty beasts and it was easier than I hoped for me to fit in with the snarling masses.  Every good thing in my life was an eventual opportunity to experience profound loss.

Did I make it here because I was courageous or loved others too much.  No.  I was at the brink of suicide.  I was abandoned to my fate.  I felt like my church fellowship at the time was sending a hopeful whisper to jump as I stood on the ledge of my heartbeat, so that I could become someone’s lesson in the consequences of violating  that dehumanizing morality meant to numb us into a religious intoxication.

In an act of selfish defiance, while filled with alcohol and a loaded intent to kill the one person I hated more than all others, a spirit rose up inside of me and pushed the barrel away from my precious forehead and screamed, “Oh hell no!   Not now that I have been validated.  I will not willingly surrender this life to the lesser ones.”

My darkness embraced me and lead me kicking and screaming to the rooms of AA.  The Rage of primal self-preservation started me on this “fresh and exciting” journey.  I experienced a newfound resolution of will that has passed for serenity and the horizon of this reality appeared “clear and bright,”  as apposed to the “obscure and dim” world of the fear matrix.  Recently recanting suicidal thoughts and tendencies, looking at the reality of where I had been at fault did indeed seem to be an “arduous and dangerous task,” but it was the price to be paid to stay on planet Earth and attempt a new life.

So I have learned the power of being able to make things right on my side of the street, and in so doing, find a place to stand when the world goes crazy.  “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83).

Looking back, Gomu (God of my understanding) and AA lead me to a spiritual awakening from the fear matrix.  The truth will eventually make you free.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The moral inventory is a cool examination of the damages that occurred to us during life and a sincere effort to look at them in a true perspective. This has the effect of taking the ground glass out of us, the emotional substance that still cuts and inhibits.  (As Bill Sees It, page 140)

My Eighth Step list used to drag me into a whirlpool of resentment. After four years of sobriety, I was blocked by denial connected with an ongoing abusive relationship. The argument between fear and pride eased as the words of the Step moved from my head to my heart. For the first time in years I opened my box of paints and poured out an honest rage, an explosion of reds and blacks and yellows. As I looked at the drawing, tears of joy and relief flowed down my cheeks. In my disease, I had given up my art, a self-inflicted punishment far greater than any imposed from outside. In my recovery, I learned that the pain of my defects is the very substance God uses to cleanse my character and to set me free.

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I am at a loss right now, because of the shock of Robin William’s death.  I am glad that the contributor was able to recover his art.  I am sure there is so much power there.

Please forgive me, but I think my words would be rather radioactive right now.  Grief is filled with its own dish of ground glass.

I am drawn back to yesterday’s question; What does it take to qualify as a “person of worth?”

How can I secure that awareness of my own worth?  Oh Robin.  God, this really hurts.  Sorry.  Best I can do.

I an not ok with this.  I hate this disease.  I hate it.  God, I hate it.

Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider, issued the following statement: “This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin’s family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin’s death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.”

I am going to try, Susan.  It is important that a tragic end does not redefine the life lived in its entirety.  I had to do this with the loss of my stepson.

My prayers and heart go out to his family, and my gratitude for the life he gave to us.  I will miss you Robin.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

To a degree, he has already done this when taking moral inventory, but now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways,  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

As I continue to grow in sobriety, I become more aware of myself as a person of worth. In the process, I am better able to see others as persons, and with this comes the realization that these were people whom I had hurt in my drinking days. I didn’t just lie, I lied about Tom. I didn’t just cheat, I cheated Joe. What were seemingly impersonal acts, were really personal affronts, because it was people—people of worth—whom I had harmed. I need to do something about the people I have hurt so that I may enjoy a peaceful sobriety.

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What does it take to qualify as a “person of worth?”

I am reading a few articles to try and understand what that really means.  I resonate with the flow of the words, and the exaltation of the value of the individual, but I want to go in deep.  So I need to redouble my efforts to find a useful answer to this question.

http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/what-determines-your-personal-value/

http://www.uri.edu/research/lrc/scholl/webnotes/Motivation_Affirming.htm

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Articles_Personal_Empowerment.html

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . and became willing to make amends to them all.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

One of the key words in the Eighth Step is the word all. I am not free to select a few names for the list and to disregard others. It is a list of all persons I have harmed. I can see immediately that this Step entails forgiveness because if I’m not willing to forgive someone, there is little chance I will place his name on the list. Before I placed the first name on my list, I said a little prayer: “I forgive anyone and everyone who has ever harmed me at any time and under any circumstances.”

It is well for me to contemplate a small, but very significant, two-letter word every time the Lord’s Prayer is said. The word is as. I ask, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” In this case, as means, “in the same manner.” I am asking to be forgiven in the same manner that I forgive others. As I say this portion of the prayer, if I am harboring hatred or resentment, I am inviting more resentment, when I should be calling on the spirit of forgiveness.

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I think you can accomplish this step without ever entangling it with questions of forgiveness.  In fact, forgiveness requires that I account for that which was done to me and that is not the focus of this program.  I am to look at what I have done and how I can make that right.  Why?  So I can stay sober and live freely.  I have no control over their welfare and I accept the things I cannot change.  I am concerned with cleaning up my side of the street even though their side of the street may be littered with feces and rotting corpses.  This is a very pragmatic morality I embrace in Alcoholics Anonymous.  The reason I put ALL persons I have harmed on my list is not because I have forgiven everyone, but because I must deliver the kill shot to all the wondering zombies of my personal guilt that might come at me with a first drink I cannot refuse.

Then the Spirit of Forgiveness will do Her own work, healing my mind and heart.  She will defend my new life and vindicate my courage.  I will be able to approach all men on equal footing with no further need to let my isolated selfishness create more collateral damage.  I do not believe that it is possible for me to forgive in isolation, for that leads to morbid self-reflection and self-loathing.  I can be open to the Spirit of Forgiveness which is a connection to the feminine aspect of Gomu (God of my understanding) and allow the work of Her transformation to take hold.  I just have to be willing to kill the zombies first.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, . . . (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

When I approached the Eighth Step, I wondered how I could list all the things that I have done to other people since there were so many people, and some of them weren’t alive anymore. Some of the hurts I inflicted weren’t bad, but they really bothered me. The main thing to see in this Step was to become willing to do whatever I had to do to make these amends to the best of my ability at that particular time. Where there is a will, there’s a way, so if I want to feel better, I need to unload the guilt feelings I have. A peaceful mind has no room for feelings of guilt. With the help of my Higher Power, if I am honest with myself, I can cleanse my mind of these feelings.

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For me, the amends process has been a change in the way I interact with others.  The list of people I had harmed reveals my particular brand of insanity acted out on the world stage.  I asserted my will based on certain self-delusions.  I lived as though anything that could be interpreted as a personal assault was the overriding reality of all life on Earth.  In some way, the struggling mortals surrounding me must compensate me.  I sought to extract payment and was rewarded with greater pain and validation of the world as something I needed to protect myself from.

When I faced the reality about myself in the moral inventory and I could see where I had wronged others, I took advantage of the plan of action provided in the 8th and 9th steps to build a new life based on this personal truth.    There was to be no more cringing in the shadows of my personal horror movie.  From now on, my interactions were going to be motivated by trust and respect for Gomu (God of my understanding) and others.