Endigar 511 ~ A Look Backward

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

As a traveler on a fresh and exciting A.A. journey of recovery, I experienced a newfound peace of mind and the horizon appeared clear and bright, rather than obscure and dim. Reviewing my life to discover where I had been at fault seemed to be such an arduous and dangerous task. It was painful to pause and look backward. I was afraid I might stumble! Couldn’t I put the past out of my mind and just live in my new golden present? I realized that those in the past whom I had harmed stood between me and my desire to continue my movement toward serenity. I had to ask for courage to face those persons from my life who still lived in my conscience, to recognize and deal with the guilt that their presence produced in me. I had to look at the damage I had done, and become willing to make amends. Only then could my journey of the spirit resume.

END OF QUOTE

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I did not want to leave my children a tragic inheritance, yet  I had entered the hell where God was either psychotic or a fairy tale.  Others were nothing more than slobbering, nasty beasts and it was easier than I hoped for me to fit in with the snarling masses.  Every good thing in my life was an eventual opportunity to experience profound loss.

Did I make it here because I was courageous or loved others too much.  No.  I was at the brink of suicide.  I was abandoned to my fate.  I felt like my church fellowship at the time was sending a hopeful whisper to jump as I stood on the ledge of my heartbeat, so that I could become someone’s lesson in the consequences of violating  that dehumanizing morality meant to numb us into a religious intoxication.

In an act of selfish defiance, while filled with alcohol and a loaded intent to kill the one person I hated more than all others, a spirit rose up inside of me and pushed the barrel away from my precious forehead and screamed, “Oh hell no!   Not now that I have been validated.  I will not willingly surrender this life to the lesser ones.”

My darkness embraced me and lead me kicking and screaming to the rooms of AA.  The Rage of primal self-preservation started me on this “fresh and exciting” journey.  I experienced a newfound resolution of will that has passed for serenity and the horizon of this reality appeared “clear and bright,”  as apposed to the “obscure and dim” world of the fear matrix.  Recently recanting suicidal thoughts and tendencies, looking at the reality of where I had been at fault did indeed seem to be an “arduous and dangerous task,” but it was the price to be paid to stay on planet Earth and attempt a new life.

So I have learned the power of being able to make things right on my side of the street, and in so doing, find a place to stand when the world goes crazy.  “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83).

Looking back, Gomu (God of my understanding) and AA lead me to a spiritual awakening from the fear matrix.  The truth will eventually make you free.

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